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A HISTORY OF NEW YORK, FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE WORLD TO THE END OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. CONTAINING Among many Surprising and Curious Matters, the Unutterable Ponderings of Walter the Doubter, the Disastrous Projects of William the Testy, and the Chivalric Achievments of Peter the Headstrong, the three Dutch Governors of New Amsterdam; being the only Authentic History of the Times that ever hath been, or ever will be Published. BY DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER.
De waarheid die in duiffer lag, Die komt met klaarheid aan den dag.
TO THE NEW YORK HISTORICAL SOCIETY This Work is respectfully Dedicated, as a humble and unworthy Tes- timony of the profound veneration and ex- alted esteem of the Society's Sincere Well wisher and Devoted Servant DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER.
It was sometime, if I recollect right, in the early part of the Fall of 1808, that a stranger applied for lodgings at the Independent Columbian Hotel in Mulberry Street, of which I am landlord. He was a small brisk looking old gentleman, dressed in a rusty black coat, a pair of olive velvet breeches, and a small cocked hat. He had a few grey hairs plaited and clubbed behind, and his beard seemed to be of some four and twenty hours growth. The only piece of finery which he bore about him, was a bright pair of square silver shoe buckles, and all his baggage was contained in a pair of saddle bags which he carried under his arm. His whole ap- pearance was something out of the common run, and my wife, who is a very shrewd body, at once set him down for some eminent country school- master.
As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very small house, I was a little puzzled at first where to put him; but my wife, who seemed taken with his looks, would needs put him in her best cham- ber, which is genteely set off with the profiles of the whole family, done in black, by those two great painters Jarvis and Wood; and commands a very pleasant view of the new grounds on the Collect, together with the rear of the Poor house and Bride- well and the full front of the Hospital, so that it is the cheerfullest room in the whole house.
During the whole time that he stayed with us, we found him a very worthy good sort of an old gentleman, though a little queer in his ways. He would keep in his room for days together, and if any of the children cried or made a noise about his door, he would bounce out in a great passion, with his hands full of papers, and say something about "deranging his ideas," which made my wife be- lieve sometimes that he was not altogether compos. Indeed there was more than one reason to make her think so, for his room was always covered with scraps of paper and old mouldy books, laying about at sixes and sevens, which he would never let any body touch; for he said he had laid them all away in their proper places, so that he might know where to find them; though for that matter, he was half his time worrying about the house in seach of some book or writing which he had carefully put out of the way. I shall never forget what a pother he once made, because my wife cleaned out his room when his back was turned, and put every thing to rights; for he swore he should never be able to get his papers in order again in a twelvemonth -- Upon this my wife ventured to ask him what he did with so many books and papers, and he told her that he was "seeking for immortality," which made her think more than ever, that the poor old gentleman's head was a little cracked.
He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his room was continually poking about town, hearing all the news and prying into every thing that was going on; this was particularly the case about election time, when he did nothing but bustle about from poll to poll, attending all ward meetings and committee rooms; though I could never find that he took part with either side of the question. On the contrary he would come home and rail at both parties with great wrath -- and plainly proved one day, to the satisfaction of my wife and three old ladies who were drinking tea with her, one of whom was as deaf as a post, that the two parties were like two rogues, each tugging at a skirt of the nation, and that in the end they would tear the very coat off of its back and expose its nakedness. Indeed he was an oracle among the neighbours, who would collect around him to hear him talk of an afternoon, as he smoaked his pipe on the bench before the door; and I really believe he would have brought over the whole neighbourhood to his own side of the question, if they could ever have found out what it was.
He was very much given to argue, or as he called it philosophize, about the most trifling matter, and to do him justice, I never knew any body that was a match for him, except it was a grave looking gentleman who called now and then to see him, and often posed him in an argument. But this is nothing surprising, as I have since found out this stranger is the city librarian, and of course must be a man of great learning; and I have my doubts, if he had not some hand in the following history.
As our lodger had heen a long time with us, and we had never received any pay, my wife began to be somewhat uneasy, and curious to find out who, and what he was. She accordingly made bold to put the question to his friend, the librarian, who re- plied in his dry way, that he was one of the Literati; which she supposed to mean some new party in politics. I scorn to push a lodger for his pay, so I let day after day pass on without dunning the old gentleman for a farthing; but my wife, who always takes these matters on herself, and is as I said a shrewd kind of a woman, at last got out of patience, and hinted, that she thought it high time "some people should have a sight of some people's money." To which the old gentleman replied, in a mighty touchy manner, that she need not make herself un- easy, for that he had a treasure there (pointing to his saddle-bags) worth her whole house put to- gether. This was the only answer we could ever get from him; and as my wife, by some of those odd ways in which women find out every thing, learnt that he was of very great connexions, being related to the Knickerbockers of Scaghtikoke, and cousin-german to the Congress-man of that name, she did not like to treat him uncivilly. What is more, she even offered, merely by way of making things easy, to let him live scot-free, if he would teach the children their letters; and to try her best and get the neighbours to send their children also; but the old gentleman took it in such dudgeon, and seemed so affronted at being taken for a school- master, that she never dared speak on the subject again.
About two month's ago, he went out of a morn- ing, with a bundle in his hand -- and has never been heard of since. All kinds of inquiries were made after him, but in vain. I wrote to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for answer, that he had not been there since the year before last, when he had a great dispute with the Congress-man about politics, and left the place in a huff, and they had neither heard nor seen any thing of him from that time to this. I must own I felt very much worried about the poor old gentleman, for I thought some- thing bad must have happened to him, that he should be missing so long, and never return to pay his bill. I therefore advertised him in the news- papers, and though my melancholy advertisement was published by several humane printers, yet I have never been able to learn any thing satisfactory about him.
My wife now said it was high time to take care of ourselves, and see if he had left any thing behind in his room, that would pay us for his board and lodging. We found nothing however, but some old books and musty writings, and his pair of saddle bags, which being opened in presence of the libra- rian, contained only a few articles of worn out clothes, and a large bundle of blotted paper. On looking over this, the librarian told us, he had no doubt it was the treasure which the old gentleman had spoken about; as it proved to be a most excel- lent and faithful HISTORY OF NEW YORK, which he advised us by all means to publish: assuring us that it would be so eagerly bought up by a discerning public, that he had no doubt it would be enough to pay our arrears ten times over. Upon this we got a very learned school-master, who teaches our children, to prepare it for the press, which he ac- cordingly has done, and has moreover, added to it a number of notes of his own; and an engraving of the city, as it was, at the time Mr. Knickerbocker writes about.
This, therefore, is a true statement of my rea- sons for having this work printed, without waiting for the consent of the author: and I here declare, that if he ever returns (though I much fear some unhappy accident has befallen him) I stand ready to account with him, like a true and honest man. Which is all at present --
From the public's humble servant, Seth Handaside. Independent Columbian Hotel, New York.TO THE PUBLIC.
"TO rescue from oblivion the memory of former incidents, and to render a just tribute of "renown to the many great and wonderful transactions of our Dutch progenitors, Diedrich Knickerbocker, native of the city of New York, "produces this historical essay."1 Like the great Father of History whose words I have just quoted, I treat of times long past, over which the twilight of uncertainty had already thrown its sha- dows, and the night of forgetfulness was about to descend forever. With great solicitude had I long beheld the early history of this venerable and an- cient city, gradually slipping from our grasp, trem- bling on the lips of narrative old age, and day by day dropping piece meal into the tomb. In a lit- tle while, thought I, and those venerable dutch burghers, who serve as the tottering monuments of good old times, will be gathered to their fathers; their children engrossed by the empty pleasures or insignificant transactions of the present age, will ne- glect to treasure up the recollections of the past, and posterity shall search in vain, for memorials of the days of the Patriarchs. The origin of our city will be buried in eternal oblivion, and even the names and atchievements of Wouter Van Twiller, William Kieft, and Peter Stuyvesant, be enveloped in doubt and fiction, like those of Romulus and Rhemus, of Charlemagne, King Arthur, Rinaldo, and Godfrey of Bologne.
Determined therefore, to avert if possible this threatening misfortune, I industriously sat myself to work, to gather together all the fragments of our infant history which still existed, and like my re- vered prototype Herodotus, where no written re- cords could be found, I have endeavoured to con- tinue the chain of history by well authenticated tra- ditions.
In this arduous undertaking, which has been the whole business of a long and solitary life, it is incredible the number of learned authors I have consulted; and all to but little purpose. Strange as it may seem, though such multitudes of excellent works have been written about this country, there are none extant which give any full and satisfactory account of the early history of New York, or of its three first Dutch governors. I have, however, gained much valuable and curious matter from an elaborate manuscript written in exceeding pure and classic low dutch, excepting a few errors in ortho- graphy, which was found in the archieves of the Stuyvesant family. Many legends, letters and other documents have I likewise gleaned, in my researches among the family chests and lumber garrets of our respectable dutch citizens, and I have gathered a host of well authenticated tradi- tions from divers excellent old ladies of my ac- quaintance, who requested that their names might not be mentioned. Nor must I neglect to acknow- ledge, how greatly I have been assisted by that ad- mirable and praiseworthy institution, the New York Historical Society, to which I here publicly return my sincere acknowledgements.
In the conduct of this inestimable work I have adopted no individual model, but on the con- trary have simply contented myself with combining and concentrating the excellencies of the most ap- proved ancient historians. Like Xenophon I have maintained the utmost impartiality, and the strictest adherence to truth throughout my history. I have enriched it after the manner of Sallust, with various characters of ancient worthies, drawn at full length, and faithfully coloured. I have seasoned it with profound political speculations like Thucydides, sweetened it with the graces of sentiment like Ta- citus, and infused into the whole the dignity, the grandeur and magnificence of Livy.
I am aware that I shall incur the censure of nu- merous very learned and judicious critics, for in- dulging too frequently in the bold excursive manner of my favourite Herodotus. And to be candid, I have found it impossible always to resist the allure- ments of those pleasing episodes, which like flowery banks and fragrant bowers, beset the dusty road of the historian, and entice him to turn aside, and refresh himself from his wayfaring. But I trust it will be found, that I have always resumed my staff, and addressed myself to my weary journey with re- novated spirits, so that both my readers and myself, have been benefited by the relaxation.
Indeed, though it has been my constant wish and uniform endeavour, to rival Polybius himself, in observing the requisite unity of History, yet the loose and unconnected manner in which many of the facts herein recorded have come to hand, ren- dered such an attempt extremely difficult. This difficulty was likewise increased, by one of the grand objects contemplated in my work, which was to trace the rise of sundry customs and institutions in this best of cities, and to compare them when in the germ of infancy, with what they are in the present old age of knowledge and improvement.
But the chief merit upon which I value myself, and found my hopes for future regard, is that faith- ful veracity with which I have compiled this in- valuable little work; carefully winnowing away all the chaff of hypothesis, and discarding the tares of fable, which are too apt to spring up and choke the seeds of truth and wholesome knowledge -- Had I been anxious to captivate the superficial throng, who skim like swallows over the surface of litera- ture; or had I been anxious to commend my writ- ings to the pampered palates of literary voluptuaries, I might have availed myself of the obscurity that hangs about the infant years of our city, to intro- duce a thousand pleasing fictions. But I have scru- pulously discarded many a pithy tale and marvel- lous adventure, whereby the drowsy ear of summer indolence might be enthralled; jealously maintain- ing that fidelity, gravity and dignity, which should ever distinguish the historian. "For a writer of this class," observes an elegant critic, "must sus- tain the character of a wise man, writing for the instruction of posterity; one who has studied to in- form himself well, who has pondered his subject with care, and addresses himself to our judgment, rather than to our imagination."
Thrice happy therefore, is this our renowned city, in having incidents worthy of swelling the theme of history; and doubly thrice happy is it in having such an historian as myself, to relate them. For after all, gentle reader, cities of themselves, and in fact empires of themselves, are nothing without an historian. It is the patient narrator who cheer- fully records their prosperity as they rise -- who blazons forth the splendour of their noontide me- ridian -- who props their feeble memorials as they totter to decay -- who gathers together their scatter- ed fragments as they rot -- and who piously at length collects their ashes into the mausoleum of his work, and rears a triumphal monument, to transmit their renown to all succeeding time.
"What," (in the language of Diodorus Siculus) "What has become of Babylon, of Nineveh, of Palmyra, of Persepolis, of Byzantium, of Agri- gentum, of Cyzicum and Mytilene?" They have disappeared from the face of the earth -- they have perished for want of an historian! The philan- thropist may weep over their desolation -- the poet may wander amid their mouldering arches and broken columns, and indulge the visionary flights of his fancy -- but alas! alas! the modern historian, whose faithful pen, like my own, is doomed irrevo- cably to confine itself to dull matter of fact, seeks in vain among their oblivious remains, for some memorial that may tell the instructive tale, of their glory and their ruin.
"Wars, conflagrations, deluges (says Aristotle) destroy nations, and with them all their monuments, their discoveries and their vanities -- The torch of science has more than once been extinguished and rekindled -- a few individuals who have escaped by accident, reunite the thread of generations." Thus then the historian is the patron of man- kind, the guardian priest, who keeps the perpetual lamp of ages unextinguished -- Nor is he without his reward. Every thing in a manner is tributary to his renown -- Like the great projector of inland lock navigation, who asserted that rivers, lakes and oceans were only formed to feed canals; so I affirm that cities, empires, plots, conspiracies, wars, ha- vock and desolation, are ordained by providence only as food for the historian. They form but the pedestal on which he intrepidly mounts to the view of surrounding generations, and claims to himself, from ages as they rise, until the latest sigh of old time himself, the meed of immortality -- The world -- the world, is nothing without the historian!
The same sad misfortune which has happened to so many ancient cities, will happen again, and from the same sad cause, to nine-tenths of those cities which now flourish on the face of the globe. With most of them the time for recording their history is gone by; their origin, their very founda- tion, together with the early stages of their settle- ment, are forever buried in the rubbish of years; and the same would have been the case with this fair portion of the earth, the history of which I have here given, if I had not snatched it from ob- scurity, in the very nick of time, at the moment that those matters herein recorded, were about en- tering into the wide-spread, insatiable maw of ob- livion -- if I had not dragged them out, in a manner, by the very locks, just as the monster's adamantine fangs, were closing upon them forever! And here have I, as before observed, carefully collected, col- lated and arranged them; scrip and scrap, "punt en punt, gat en gat," and commenced in this little work, a history which may serve as a foundation, on which a host of worthies shall hereafter raise a noble superstructure, swelling in process of time, until Knickerbocker's New York shall be equally vo- luminous, with Gibbon's Rome, or Hume and Smol- let's England!
And now indulge me for a moment, while I lay down my pen, skip to some little eminence at the distance of two or three hundred years a head; and casting back a birds eye glance, over the waste of years that is to roll between; discover myself -- little I -- at this moment the progenitor, prototype and precursor of them all, posted at the head of this host of literary worthies, with my book under my arm, and New York on my back, pressing forward like a gallant commander, to honour and immortality.
Here then I cut my bark adrift, and launch it forth to float upon the waters. And oh! ye mighty Whales, ye Grampuses and Sharks of criticism, who delight in shipwrecking unfortunate adven- turers upon the sea of letters, have mercy upon this my crazy vessel. Ye may toss it about in your sport; or spout your dirty water upon it in showers; but do not, for the sake of the unlucky mariner within -- do not stave it with your tails and send it to the bottom. And you, oh ye great little fish! ye tadpoles, ye sprats, ye minnows, ye chubbs, ye grubs, ye barnacles, and all you small fry of litera- ture, be cautious how you insult my new launched vessel, or swim within my view; lest in a moment of mingled sportiveness and scorn, I sweep you up in a scoop net, and roast half a hundred of you for my breakfast.
[1] Belce's Herodotus.
In which the Author ventures a Description of the World, from the best Authorities.
THE world in which we dwell is a huge, opake, reflecting, inanimate mass, floating in the vast ethe- rial ocean of infinite space. It has the form of an orange, being an oblate spheroid, curiously flattened at opposite parts, for the insertion of two imaginary poles, which are supposed to penetrate and unite at the centre; thus forming an axis on which the migh- ty orange turns with a regular diurnal revolution.
The transitions of light and darkness, whence proceed the alternations of day and night, are pro- duced by this diurnal revolution, successively pre- senting the different parts of the earth to the rays of the sun. The latter is, according to the best, that is to say, the latest, accounts, a luminous or fiery body, of a prodigious magnitude, from which this world is driven by a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which it is drawn by a centripetal or attrac- tive force; otherwise termed the attraction of gra- vitation; the combination, or rather the counterac- tion of these two opposing impulses producing a cir- cular and annual revolution. Hence result the vicis- situdes of the seasons, viz. spring, summer, autumn, and winter.
I am fully aware, that I expose myself to the cavillings of sundry dead philosophers, by adopting the above theory. Some will entrench themselves behind the ancient opinion, that the earth is an ex- tended plain, supported by vast pillars; others, that it rests on the head of a snake, or the back of a huge tortoise; and others, that it is an immense flat pan- cake, and rests upon whatever it pleases God -- for- merly a pious Catholic opinion, and sanctioned by a formidable bull, dispatched from the vatican by a most holy and infallible pontiff. Others will attack my whole theory, by declaring with the Brahmins, that the heavens rest upon the earth, and that the sun and moon swim therein like fishes in the water, moving from east to west by day, and gliding back along the edge of the horizon to their original sta tions during the night time.2 While others will maintain, with the Pauranicas of India, that is a vast plain, encircled by seven oceans of milk, nectar and other delicious liquids; that it is studded with seven mountains, and ornamented in the centre by a moun- tainous rock of burnished gold; and that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, which accounts for the phenomena of lunar eclipses.
I am confident also, I shall meet with equal op- position to my account of the sun; certain ancient philosophers having affirmed that it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire,‡ others that it is merely a mirror or sphere of transparent chrystal; and a third class, at the head of whom stands Anaxagoras, having maintained, that it is nothing but a huge ignited rock or stone, an opinion which the good people of Athens have kindly saved me the trouble of con- futing, by turning the philosopher neck and heels out of their city. Another set of philosophers, who delight in variety, declare, that certain fiery particles exhale constantly from the earth, which concentrat- ing in a single point of the firmament by day, con stitute the sun, but being scattered, and rambling about in the dark at night, collect in various points and form stars. These are regularly burnt out and extinguished, like the lamps in our streets, and re- quire a fresh supply of exhalations for the next oc- casion.3
It is even recorded that at certain remote and ob- scure periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel, (probably during a severe winter) the sun has been completely burnt out, and not rekindled for a whole month. A most melancholy occurrence, the very idea of which gave vast concern to Heraclitus, the celebrated weeping Philosopher, who was a great stickler for this doctrine. Beside these pro- found speculations, others may expect me to advo- cate the opinion of Herschel, that the sun is a most magnificent, habitable abode; the light it fur- nishes, arising from certain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric clouds, swimming in its transparent at- mosphere. But to save dispute and altercation with my readers -- who I already perceive, are a cap- tious, discontented crew, and likely to give me a world of trouble -- I now, once for all, wash my hands of all and every of these theories, declining entirely and unequivocally, any investigation of their merits. The subject of the present chapter is merely the Island, on which is built the goodly city of New York, -- a very honest and substantial Is- land, which I do not expect to find in the sun, or moon; as I am no land speculator, but a plain mat- ter of fact historian. I therefore renounce all luna- tic, or solaric excursions, and confine myself to the limits of this terrene or earthly globe; somewhere on the surface of which I pledge my credit as a his- torian -- (which heaven and my landlord know is all the credit I possess) to detect and demonstrate the existence of this illustrious island to the conviction of all reasonable people.
Proceeding on this discreet and considerate plan, I rest satisfied with having advanced the most approved and fashionable opinion on the form of this earth and its movements; and I freely submit it to the cavilling of any Philo, dead or alive, who may choose to dispute its correctness. I must here in- treat my unlearned readers (in which class I hum- bly presume to include nine tenths of those who shall pore over these instructive pages) not to be discouraged when they encounter a passage above their comprehension; for as I shall admit nothing into my work that is not pertinent and absolutely es- sential to its well being, so likewise I shall advance no theory or hypothesis, that shall not be elucidat- ed to the comprehension of the dullest intellect. I am not one of those churlish authors, who do so enwrap their works in the mystic fogs of scientific jargon, that a man must be as wise as themselves to understand their writings; on the contrary, my pages, though abounding with sound wisdom and profound erudition, shall be written with such plea- sant and urbane perspicuity, that there shall not even be found a country justice, an outward alder- man, or a member of congress, provided he can read with tolerable fluency, but shall both understand and profit by my labours. I shall therefore, proceed forthwith to illustrate by experiment, the com- plexity of motion just ascribed to this our rotatory planet.
Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead as the name may be rendered into English) was long celebrated in the college of New York, for most profound gravity of deportment, and his talent at going to sleep in the midst of examinations; to the infinite relief of his hopeful students, who thereby worked their way through college with great ease and little study. In the course of one of his lec- tures, the learned professor, seizing a bucket of water swung it round his head at arms length; the impulse with which he threw the vessel from him, being a centrifugal force, the retention of his arm operating as a centripetal power, and the bucket, which was a substitute for the earth, describing a circular orbit round about the globular head and ruby visage of Professor Von Poddingcoft, which formed no bad representation of the sun. All of these particulars were duly explained to the class of gaping students around him. He apprised them moreover, that the same principle of gravitation, which retained the water in the bucket, restrains the ocean from flying from the earth in its rapid revo- lutions; and he further informed them that should the motion of the earth be suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall into the sun, through the centripetal force of gravitation; a most ruinous event to this planet, and one which would also ob- scure, though it most probably would not extinguish the solar luminary. An unlucky stripling, one of those vagrant geniuses, who seem sent into the world merely to annoy worthy men of the pudding- head order, desirous of ascertaining the correctness of the experiment, suddenly arrested the arm of the professor, just at the moment that the bucket was in its zenith, which immediately descended with astonishing precision, upon the philosophic head of the instructor of youth. A hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss attended the contact, but the theory was in the amplest manner illustrated, for the un- fortunate bucket perished in the conflict, but the blazing countenance of Professor Von Poddingcoft, emerged from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer than ever with unutterable indignation -- whereby the students were marvellously edified, and departed considerably wiser than before.
It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly perplexes many a pains taking philosopher, that nature often refuses to second his most profound and elaborate efforts; so that often after having in- vented one of the most ingenious and natural theories imaginable, she will have the perverseness to act directly in the teeth of his system, and flatly con- tradict his most favourite positions. This is a manifest and unmerited grievance, since it throws the censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the philosopher; whereas the fault is not to be ascribed to his theory, which is unquestionably correct, but to the waywardness of dame nature, who with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is con- tinually indulging in coquetries and caprices, and seems really to take pleasure in violating all philo- sophic rules, and jilting the most learned and inde- fatigable of her adorers. Thus it happened with respect to the foregoing satisfactory explanation of the motion of our planet; it appears that the cen- trifugal force has long since ceased to operate, while its antagonist remains in undiminished potency: the world therefore, according to the theory as it originally stood, ought in strict propriety to tumble into the sun -- Philosophers were convinced that it would do so, and awaited in anxious impatience, the fulfilment of their prognostications. But the untoward planet, pertinaciously continued her course, notwithstanding that she had reason, phi- losophy, and a whole university of learned professors opposed to her conduct. The philo's were all at a non plus, and it is apprehended they would never have fairly recovered from the slight and affront which they conceived offered to them by the world, had not a good natured professor kindly officiated as mediator between the parties, and effected a re- conciliation.
Finding the world would not accomodate itself to the theory, he wisely determined to ac- comodate the theory to the world: he therefore informed his brother philosophers, that the circular motion of the earth round the sun was no sooner engendered by the conflicting impulses above des- cribed, than it became a regular revolution, inde- pendent of the causes which gave it origin -- in short, that madam earth having once taken it into her head to whirl round, like a young lady of spirit in a high dutch waltz, the duivel himself could not stop her. The whole board of professors of the university of Leyden joined in the opinion, being heartily glad of any explanation that would decently extricate them from their embarrassment -- and im- mediately decreed the penalty of expulsion against all who should presume to question its correctness: the philosophers of all other nations gave an un- qualified assent, and ever since that memorable era the world has been left to take her own course, and to revolve around the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper.
[2] Faria y Souza. Mick. Lus. Note B, 7.
‡ Plut. de Plac. Philos. lib. ii, cap.20.
Achill. Tat. Isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii, p. 81. Stob. Eclog. Phys. lib. i, p. 56. Plut. de plac. p. p.
Diog. Laert. in Anaxag. I. ii, sec. 8. Plat. Apol. t i, p. 26. Plut. de Superst. t. ii, p. 269. Xenoph. Mem. l. iv, p. 815.
[3] Aristot. Meteor. l. ii, c. 2. Idem. Probl. sec. 15. Stob. Ecl. Phys. l. i, p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil. t. i, p. 1154, et alii.
Philos. Journ. 1. p. 13.
Cosmogony or Creation of the World. With a mul- titude of excellent Theories, by which the Crea- tion of a World is shewn to be no such difficult Matter as common Folks would imagine.
Having thus briefly introduced my reader to the world, and given him some idea of its form and si- tuation, he will naturally be curious to know from whence it came, and how it was created. And in- deed these are points absolutely essential to be cleared up, in as much as if this world had not been formed, it is more than probable, nay I may venture to assume it as a maxim or postulate at least, that this renowned island on which is situated the city of New York, would never have had an existence. The regular course of my history there- fore, requires that I should proceed to notice the cosmogony or formation of this our globe.
And now I give my readers fair warning, that I am about to plunge for a chapter or two, into as complete a labyrinth as ever historian was perplex- ed withal; therefore I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts, and keep close at my heels, ven- turing neither to the right hand nor to the left, least they get bemired in a slough of unintelligible learning, or have their brains knocked out, by some of those hard Greek names which will be flying about in all directions. But should any of them be too indolent or chicken-hearted to accompany me in this perilous undertaking, they had better take a short cut round, and wait for me at the be- ginning of some smoother chapter.
Of the creation of the world, we have a thou- sand contradictory accounts; and though a very satisfactory one is furnished us by divine revelation, yet every philosopher feels himself in honour bound, to furnish us with a better. As an impartial his- torian, I consider it my duty to notice their several theories, by which mankind have been so exceed- ingly edified and instructed.
Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that the earth and the whole system of the universe, was the deity himself;4 a doctrine most strenuous- ly maintained by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by Strato and the sect of peri- patetic or vagabondizing philosophers. Pythagoras likewise inculcated the famous numerical system of the monad, dyad and triad, and by means of his sacred quaternary elucidated the formation of the world, the arcana of nature and the principles both of music and morals. Other sages adhered to the mathematical system of squares and triangles; the cube, the pyramid and the sphere; the tetrahe- dron, the octahedron, the icosahedron and the do- decahedron.5 While others advocated the great elementary theory, which refers the construction of our globe and all that it contains, to the combina- tions of four material elements, air, earth, fire and water; with the assistance of a fifth, an immate- rial and vivifying principle; by which I presume the worthy theorist meant to allude to that vivifying spirit contained in gin, brandy, and other potent li- quors, and which has such miraculous effects, not only on the ordinary operations of nature, but like- wise on the creative brains of certain philosophers.
Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic system taught by old Moschus before the siege of Troy; revived by Democritus of laughing memory; improved by Epicurus that king of good fellows, and modernised by the fanciful Descartes. But I decline enquiring, whether the atoms, of which the earth is said to be composed, are eternal or recent; whether they are animate or inanimate; whether, agreeably to the opinion of the Atheists, they were fortuitously aggregated, or as the Theists maintain, were arranged by a supreme intelligence. Whe- ther in fact the earth is an insensate clod, or whe ther it is animated by a soul;6 which opinion was strenuously maintained by a host of philosophers, at the head of whom stands the great Plato, that temperate sage, who threw the cold water of philo- sophy on the form of sexual intercourse, and in- culcated the doctrine of Platonic affection, or the art of making love without making children. -- An exquisitely refined intercourse, but much better adapted to the ideal inhabitants of his imaginary island of Atlantis, than to the sturdy race, composed of rebellious flesh and blood, who populate the lit- tle matter of fact island which we inhabit.
Besides these systems, we have moreover the poetical theogeny of old Hesiod, who generated the whole Universe in the regular mode of procreation, and the plausible opinion of others, that the earth was hatched from the great egg of night, which floated in chaos, and was cracked by the horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last doctrine, Bishop Burnet in his Theory of the Earth, has favoured us with an accurate drawing and descrip- tion, both of the form and texture of this mundane egg; which is found to bear a miraculous resem- blance to that of a goose! Such of my readers as take a proper interest in the origin of this our planet, will be pleased to learn, that the most profound sages of antiquity, among the Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks and Latins, have alternately as- sisted at the hatching of this strange bird, and that their cacklings have been caught, and continued in different tones and inflections, from philosopher to philosopher, unto the present day.
But while briefly noticing long celebrated sys- tems of ancient sages, let me not pass over with neglect, those of other philosophers; which though less universal and renowned, have equal claims to attention, and equal chance for correctness. Thus it is recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages of their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo trans- forming himself into a great boar, plunged into the watery abyss, and brought up the earth on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty tortoise, and a mighty snake; and Bistnoo placed the snake erect upon the back of the tortoise, and he placed the earth upon the head of the snake.7
The negro philosophers of Congo affirm, that the world was made by the hands of angels, ex- cepting their own country, which the Supreme Be- ing constructed himself, that it might be supremely excellent. And he took great pains with the inha- bitants, and made them very black, and beautiful: and when he had finished the first man, he was well pleased with him, and smoothed him over the face, and hence his nose and the nose of all his descend- ants became flat.
The Mohawk Philosophers tell us that a preg- nant woman fell down from heaven, and that a tor- toise took her upon its back, because every place was covered with water; and that the woman sit- ting upon the tortoise paddled with her hands in the water, and raked up the earth, whence it finally happened that the earth became higher than the water.8
Beside these and many other equally sage opi- nions, we have likewise the profound conjectures of Aboul-Hassan-Aly, son of Al Khan, son of Aly, son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah, son of Ma- soud-el-Hadheli, who is commonly called Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbeddin, but who takes the hum- ble title of Laheb-ar-rasoul, which means the com- panion of the ambassador of God. He has written an universal history entitled "Mouroudge-ed-dhah- rab, or the golden meadows and the mines of preci- ous stones." In this valuable work he has related the history of the world, from the creation down to the moment of writing; which was, under the Kha- liphat of Mothi Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el- aoual of the 336th year of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Medina constituting the head, Persia and India the right wing, the land of Gog the left wing, and Africa the tail. He informs us moreover, than an earth has existed before the pre- sent, (which he considers as a mere chicken of 7000 years) that it has undergone divers deluges, and that, according to the opinion of some well inform- ed Brahmins of his acquaintance, it will be renova- ted every seventy thousandth hazarouam; each hazarouam consisting of 12,000 years.
But I forbear to quote a host more of these an- cient and outlandish philosophers, whose deplorable ignorance, in despite of all their erudition, compelled them to write in languages which but few of my readers can understand; and I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more intelligible and fashionable theories of their modern successors.
And first I shall mention the great Buffon, who conjectures that this globe was originally a globe of liquid fire, scintillated from the body of the sun, by the percussion of a comet, as a spark is generat- ed by the collision of flint and steel. That at first it was surrounded by gross vapours, which cooling and condensing in process of time, constituted, ac- cording to their densities, earth, water and air; which gradually arranged themselves, according to their respective gravities, round the burning or vitri- fied mass, that formed their centre,
Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at first were universally paramount; and he terri- fies himself with the idea that the earth must be eventually washed away, by the force of rain, rivers and mountain torrents, untill it is confounded with the ocean, or in other words, absolutely dissolves into itself. -- Sublime idea! far surpassing that of the tender-hearted damsel of antiquity who wept her- self into a fountain; or the good dame of Narbonne in France, who for a volubility of tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed to peel five hundred thou- sand and thirty-nine ropes of onions, and actually ran out at her eyes, before half the hideous task was accomplished.
Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled Ditton in his researches after the longitude, (for which the mischief-loving Swift discharged on their heads a stanza as fragrant as an Edinburgh nosegay) has distinguished himself by a very ad- mirable theory respecting the earth. He conjec- tures that it was originally a chaotic comet, which being selected for the abode of man, was removed from its excentric orbit, and whirled round the sun in its present regular motion; by which change of direction, order succeeded to confusion in the ar- rangement of its component parts. The philoso- pher adds, that the deluge was produced by an un courteous salute from the watery tail of another comet; doubtless through sheer envy of its improved condition; thus furnishing a melancholy proof that jealousy may prevail, even among the heavenly bodies, and discord interrupt that celestial harmony of the spheres, so melodiously sung by the poets.
But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among which are those of Burnet, and Woodward, and Whitehurst; regretting extremely that my time will not suffer me to give them the notice they de- serve -- And shall conclude with that of the re- nowed Dr. Darwin, which I have reserved to the last for the sake of going off with a report. This learned Theban, who is as much distinguished for rhyme as reason, and for good natured credulity as serious research, and who has recommended himself wonderfully to the good graces of the ladies, by letting them into all the gallantries, amours, de- baucheries, and other topics of scandal of the court of Flora; has fallen upon a theory worthy of his combustible imagination. According to his opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sudden occasion to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and in that act exploded the sun -- which in its flight by a similar ex- plosion expelled the earth -- which in like guise ex- ploded the moon -- and thus by a concatenation of explosions, the whole solar system was produced, and set most systematically in motion!9
By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every one of which, if thoroughly examined, will be found surprisingly consistent in all its parts; my unlearned readers will perhaps be led to conclude, that the creation of a world is not so difficult a task as they at first imagined. I have shewn at least a score of ingenious methods in which a world could be constructed; and I have no doubt, that had any of the Philo's above quoted, the use of a good manageable comet, and the philosophical ware-house chaos at his command, he would engage, by the aid of philosophy to manufacture a planet as good, or if you would take his word for it, better than this we inhabit.
And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Providence, in creating comets for the great re- lief of bewildered philosophers. By their assistance more sudden evolutions and transitions are affected in the system of nature, than are wrought in a pan- tomimic exhibition, by the wonder-working sword of Harlequin. Should one of our modern sages, in his theoretical flights among the stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds, and in danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and absurdity, he has but to seize a comet by the beard, mount astride of its tail, and away he gallops in triumph, like an enchan- ter on his hyppogriff, or a Connecticut witch on her broomstick, "to sweep the cobwebs out of the sky."
It is an old and vulgar saying, about a "beggar on horse back," which I would not for the world have applied to our most reverend philosophers; but I must confess, that some of them, when they are mounted on one of these fiery steeds, are as wild in their curvettings as was Phæton of yore, when he aspired to manage the chariot of Phoebus. One drives his comet at full speed against the sun, and knocks the world out of him with the mighty concussion; another more moderate, makes his comet a kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a regular supply of food and faggots -- a third, of more combustible disposition, threatens to throw his comet, like a bombshell into the world, and blow it up like a powder magazine; while a fourth, with no great delicacy to this respectable planet, and its inhabitants, insinuates that some day or other, his comet -- my modest pen blushes while I write it -- shall absolutely turn tail upon our world and deluge it with water! -- Surely as I have already observed, comets were bountifully provided by Providence for the benefit of philosophers, to assist them in manufacturing theories.
When a man once doffs the straight waistcoat of common sense, and trusts merely to his imagin- ation, it is astonishing how rapidly he gets forward. Plodding souls, like myself, who jog along on the two legs nature has given them, are sadly put to it to clamber over the rocks and hills, to toil through the mud and mire, and to remove the continual ob- structions, that abound in the path of science. But your adventurous philosopher launches his theory like a balloon, and having inflated it with the smoke and vapours of his own heated imagination, mounts it in triumph, and soars away to his congenial re- gions in the moon. Every age has furnished its quota of these adventurers in the realms of fancy, who voyage among the clouds for a season and are stared at and admired, until some envious rival as- sails their air blown pageant, shatters its crazy texture, lets out the smoke, and tumbles the adven- turer and his theory into the mud. Thus one race of philosophers demolish the works of their predecessors, and elevate more splendid fantasies in their stead, which in their turn are demolished and replaced by the air castles of a succeeding generation. Such are the grave eccentricities of genius, and the mighty soap bubbles, with which the grown up children of science amuse themselves -- while the honest vulgar, stand gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these fantastic vagaries with the name of wisdom! -- surely old Socrates was right in his opinion that philosophers are but a soberer sort of madmen, busying themselves in things which are totally incomprehensible, or which, if they could be comprehended, would be found not worth the trouble of discovery.
And now, having adduced several of the most important theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my readers at full liberty to choose among them. They are all the serious speculations of learned men -- all differ essentially from each other -- and all have the same title to belief. For my part, (as I hate an embarrassment of choice) until the learned have come to an agreement among themselves, I shall content myself with the account handed us down by the good old Moses; in which I do but follow the example of our ingenious neigh- bours of Connecticut; who at their first settlement proclaimed, that the colony should be governed by the laws of God -- until they had time to make bet- ter.
One thing however appears certain -- from the unanimous authority of the before quoted philoso- phers, supported by the evidence of our own sen- ses, (which, though very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously admitted as additional testimony) it ap- pears I say, and I make the assertion deliberately, without fear of contradiction, that this globe really was created, and that it is composed of land and water. It further appears that it is curiously divided and parcelled out into continents and islands, among which I boldly declare the renowned Island of New York, will be found, by any one who seeks for it in its proper place.
Thus it will be perceived, that like an experien- ced historian I confine myself to such points as are absolutely essential to my subject -- building up my work, after the manner of the able architect who erected our theatre; beginning with the foundation, then the body, then the roof, and at last perching our snug little island like the little cupola on the top. Having dropt upon this simile by chance I shall make a moment's further use of it, to illustrate the correctness of my plan. Had not the founda- tion, the body, and the roof of the theatre first been built, the cupola could not have had existence as a cupola -- it might have been a centry-box -- or a watchman's box -- or it might have been placed in the rear of the Manager's house and have formed -- a temple; -- but it could never have been considered a cupola. As therefore the building of the theatre was necessary to the existence of the cupola, as a cupola -- so the formation of the globe and its inter- nal construction, were first necessary to the existence of this island, as an island -- and thus the necessity and importance of this part of my history, which in a manner is no part of my history, is logically proved.
[4] Aristot. ap. Cic. lib. i, cap. 3.
mem. sur musique ancien. p. 39. Plutarch de plac. Philos. lib. i. cap. 3. et. alii.
[5] Tim. Locr. ap. Plato. t. 3. p. 90.
cap. 3. Cic de. Nat. deor. lib. i. cap. 10. Justin. Mart. orat. ad gent. p. 20.
[6] Mosheim in Cudw. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim. de anim. mund. ap. Plat. lib. 3. Mem. de l'acad. des Belles Lettr. t. 32. p. 19. et alii.
[7] Holwell. Gent. Philosophy.
[8] Johannes Megapolensis, jun. Account of Maquaas or Mo- hawk Indians. 1644.
[9] Darw. Bot. Garden. Part I, Cant. i, l. 105.
How that famous navigator, Admiral Noah, was shamefully nick-named; and how he committed an unpardonable oversight in not having four sons. With the great trouble of philosophers caused thereby, and the discovery of America.
Noah, who is the first sea-faring man we read of, begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Au- thors it is true, are not wanting, who affirm that the patriarch had a number of other children. Thus Berosus makes him father of the gigantic Titans, Methodius gives him a son called Jonithus, or Joni- cus, (who was the first inventor of Johnny cakes,) and others have mentioned a son, named Thuiscon, from whom descended the Teutons or Teutonic, or in other words, the Dutch nation.
I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of my readers, by investigating minutely the history of the great Noah. Indeed such an undertaking would be attended with more trouble than many people would imagine; for the good old patriarch seems to have been a great traveller in his day, and to have passed under a different name in every country that he visited. The Chaldeans for instance give us his story, merely altering his name into Xisuthrus -- a trivial alteration, which to an historian skilled in etymologies, will appear wholly unimpor- tant. It appears likewise, that he had exchanged his tarpawlin and quadrant among the Chaldeans, for the gorgeous insignia of royalty, and appears as a monarch in their annals. The Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osiris; the Indians as Menu; the Greek and Roman writers confound him with Ogyges, and the Theban with Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, who deservedly rank among the most extensive and authentic historians, inasmuch as they have known the world ever since some millions of years before it was created, declare that Noah was no other than Fohi, a worthy gen- tleman, descended from an ancient and respectable family of Hong merchants, that flourished in the middle ages of the empire. What gives this asser- tion some air of credibility is, that it is a fact, ad- mitted by the most enlightened literati, that Noah travelled into China, at the time of the building of the Tower of Babel (probably to improve himself in the study of languages) and the learned Dr. Shackford gives us the additional information, that the ark rested upon a mountain on the frontiers of China.
From this mass of rational conjectures and sage hypotheses, many satisfactory deductions might be drawn; but I shall content myself with the unques- tionable fact stated in the Bible, that Noah begat three sons -- Shem, Ham, and Japhet.
It may be asked by some inquisitive readers, not much conversant with the art of history writing, what have Noah and his sons to do with the subject of this work? Now though, in strict justice, I am not bound to satisfy such querulous spirits, yet as I have determined to accommodate my book to every capacity, so that it shall not only delight the learned, but likewise instruct the simple, and edify the vulgar; I shall never hesitate for a moment to explain any matter that may appear obscure.
Noah we are told by sundry very credible his- torians, becoming sole surviving heir and proprietor of the earth, in fee simple, after the deluge, like a good father portioned out his estate among his children. To Shem he gave Asia, to Ham, Africa, and to Japhet, Europe. Now it is a thousand times to be lamented that he had but three sons, for had there been a fourth, he would doubtless have inhe- rited America; which of course would have been dragged forth from its obscurity on the occasion; and thus many a hard working historian and philo- sopher, would have been spared a prodigious mass of weary conjecture, respecting the first discovery and population of this country. Noah, however, having provided for his three sons, looked in all pro- bability, upon our country as mere wild unsettled land, and said nothing about it, and to this unpar- donable taciturnity of the patriarch may we ascribe the misfortune, that America did not come into the world, as early as the other quarters of the globe.
It is true some writers have vindicated him from this misconduct towards posterity, and assert- ed that he really did discover America. Thus it was the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a French writer possessed of that ponderosity of thought, and profoundness of reflection, so peculiar to his nation, that the immediate descendants of Noah peopled this quarter of the globe, and that the old patriarch himself, who still retained a passion for the sea- faring life, superintended the transmigration. The pious and enlightened father Charlevoix, a French Jesuit, remarkable for his veracity and an aversion to the marvellous, common to all great travellers, is conclusively of the same opinion; nay, he goes still further, and decides upon the manner in which the discovery was effected, which was by sea, and under the immediate direction of the great Noah. "I have already observed, exclaims the good fa- ther in a tone of becoming indignation, that it is an arbitrary supposition that the grand children of Noah were not able to penetrate into the new world, or that they never thought of it. In effect, I can see no reason that can justify such a notion. Who can seriously believe, that Noah and his immediate descendants knew less than we do, and that the builder and pilot of the greatest ship that ever was, a ship which was formed to traverse an unbounded ocean, and had so many shoals and quicksands to guard against, should be ignorant of, or should not have communicated to his descendants the art of sailing on the ocean?" Therefore they did sail on the ocean -- therefore they sailed to America -- there- fore America was discovered by Noah!
Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so strikingly characteristic of the good father, being addressed to the faith, rather than the un- derstanding, is flatly opposed by Hans De Laet, who declares it a real and most ridiculous paradox, to suppose that Noah ever entertained the thought of discovering America; and as Hans is a Dutch writer, I am inclined to believe he must have been much better acquainted with the worthy crew of the ark than his competitors, and of course possess- ed of more accurate sources of information. It is astonishing how intimate historians daily become with the patriarchs and other great men of antiquity. As intimacy improves with time, and as the learned are particularly inquisitive and familiar in their acquaintance with the ancients, I should not be surprised, if some future writers should gravely give us a picture of men and manners as they ex- isted before the flood, far more copious and accurate than the Bible; and that, in the course of another century, the log book of old Noah should be as current among historians, as the voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned history of Robinson Crusoe.
I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge mass of additional suppositions, conjectures and probabilities respecting the first discovery of this country, with which unhappy historians over- load themselves, in their endeavours to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous world. It is painful to see these laborious wights panting and toiling, and sweating under an enormous burthen, at the very outset of their works, which on being opened, turns out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of straw. As, however, by unwearied assiduity, they seem to have established the fact, to the satisfaction of all the world, that this country has been discovered, I shall avail myself of their useful labours to be extremely brief upon this point.
I shall not therefore stop to enquire, whether America was first discovered by a wandering ves- sel of that celebrated Phoenecian fleet, which, ac- cording to Herodotus, circumnavigated Africa; or by that Carthagenian expedition, which Pliny, the naturalist, informs us, discovered the Canary Isl- ands; or whether it was settled by a temporary colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and Sene- ca. I shall neither enquire whether it was first discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius with great shrewdness advances, nor by the Norwegians in 1002, under Biorn; nor by Behem, the German navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavoured to prove to the Sçavans of the learned city of Philadelphia.
Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince Madoc in the eleventh century, who having never returned, it has since been wisely concluded that he must have gone to America, and that for a plain reason -- if he did not go there, where else could he have gone? -- a question which most Socratically shuts out all further dispute.
Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures above mentioned, with a multitude of others, equal- ly satisfactory, I shall take for granted, the vulgar opinion that America was discovered on the 12th of October, 1492, by Christovallo Colon, a Geno- ese, who has been clumsily nick-named Columbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the voy- ages and adventures of this Colon, I shall say no- thing, seeing that they are already sufficiently known. Nor shall I undertake to prove that this country should have been called Colonia, after his name, that being notoriously self evident.
Having thus happily got my readers on this side of the Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all impa- tience to enter upon the enjoyment of the land of promise, and in full expectation that I will imme- diately deliver it into their possession. But if I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of a regular bred historian. No -- no -- most curious and thrice learned readers, (for thrice learned ye are if ye have read all that goes before, and nine times learned shall ye be, if ye read all that comes after) we have yet a world of work before us. Think you the first discoverers of this fair quarter of the globe, had nothing to do but go on shore and find a country ready laid out and cultivated like a gar- den, wherein they might revel at their ease? No such thing -- they had forests to cut down, under- wood to grub up, marshes to drain, and savages to exterminate.
In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes to ex- plain, before I permit you to range at random; but these difficulties, once overcome, we shall be enabled to jog on right merrily through the rest of our history. Thus my work shall, in a manner, echo the nature of the subject, in the same manner as the sound of poetry has been found by certain shrewd critics, to echo the sense -- this being an improvement in history, which I claim the merit of having invented.
Shewing the great toil and contention which Philo- sophers have had in peopling America. -- And how the Aborigines came to be begotten by acci- dent -- to the great satisfaction and relief of the author.
Bless us! -- what a hard life we historians have of it, who undertake to satisfy the doubts of the world! -- Here have I been toiling and moiling through three pestiferous chapters, and my readers toiling and moiling at my heels; up early and to bed late, poring over worm-eaten, obsolete, good- for-nothing books, and cultivating the acquaintance of a thousand learned authors, both ancient and modern, who, to tell the honest truth, are the stu- pidest companions in the world -- and after all, what have we got by it? -- Truly the mighty valua- ble conclusion, that this country does actually ex- ist, and has been discovered; a self-evident fact not worth a hap'worth of gingerbread. And what is worse, we seem just as far off from the city of New York now, as we were at first. Now for my- self, I would not care the value of a brass button, being used to this dull and learned company; but I feel for my unhappy readers, who seem most woefully jaded and fatigued.
Still, however, we have formidable difficulties to encounter, since it yet remains, if possible, to shew how this country was originally peopled -- a point fruitful of incredible embarrassment, to us scrupulous historians, but absolutely indispensable to our works. For unless we prove that the Abo- rigines did absolutely come from some where, it will be immediately asserted in this age of scepti- cism, that they did not come at all; and if they did not come at all, then was this country never popu- lated -- a conclusion perfectly agreeable to the rules of logic, but wholly irreconcilable to every feeling of humanity, inasmuch as it must syllogistically prove fatal to the innumerable Aborigines of this populous region.
To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from logical annihilation so many millions of fellow crea- tures, how many wings of geese have been plun- dered! what oceans of ink have been benevolently drained! and how many capacious heads of learn- ed historians have been addled and forever con- founded! I pause with reverential awe, when I contemplate the ponderous tomes in different lan- guages, with which they have endeavoured to solve this question, so important to the happiness of so- ciety, but so involved in clouds of impenetrable obscurity. Historian after historian has engaged in the endless circle of hypothetical argument, and after leading us a weary chace through octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us out at the end of his work, just as wise as we were at the beginning. It was doubtless some philosophical wild goose chace of the kind, that made the old poet Macro- bius rail in such a passion at curiosity, which he anathematizes most heartily, as "an irksome ago- nizing care, a superstitious industry about unprofit- able things, an itching humour to see what is not to be seen, and to be doing what signifies nothing when it is done."
But come my lusty readers, let us address our- selves to our task and fall vigorously to work upon the remaining rubbish that lies in our way; but I warrant, had master Hercules, in addition to his seven labours, been given as an eighth to write a genuine American history, he would have been fain to abandon the undertaking, before he got over the threshold of his work.
Of the claims of the children of Noah to the original population of this country I shall say nothing, as they have already been touched upon in my last chapter. The claimants next in cele- brity, are the decendants of Abraham. Thus Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus) when he first discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola immediately concluded, with a shrewdness that would have done honour to a philosopher, that he had found the ancient Ophir, from whence Solo- mon procured the gold for embellishing the tem- ple at Jerusalem; nay Colon even imagined that he saw the remains of furnaces of veritable Hebraic construction, employed in refining the precious ore.
So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fas- cinating extravagance, was too tempting not to be immediately snapped at by the gudgeons of learn- ing, and accordingly, there were a host of profound writers, ready to swear to its correctness, and to bring in their usual load of authorities, and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vetablus and Robertus Stephens declared nothing could be more clear -- Arius Montanus without the least hesita- tion asserts that Mexico was the true Ophir, and the Jews the early settlers of the country. While Possevin, Becan, and a host of other sagacious writers, lug in a supposed prophecy of the fourth book of Esdras, which being inserted in the mighty hypothesis, like the key stone of an arch, gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability.
Scarce however, have they completed their goodly superstructure, than in trudges a phalanx of opposite authors, with Hans de Laet the great Dutchman at their head, and at one blow, tumbles the whole fabric about their ears. Hans in fact, contradicts outright all the Israelitish claims to the first settlement of this country, attributing all those equivocal symptoms, and traces of Christianity and Judaism, which have been said to be found in di- vers provinces of the new world, to the Devil, who has always affected to counterfeit the worship of the true Deity. "A remark," says the knowing old Padre d'Acosta, "made by all good authors who have spoken of the religion of nations newly discovered, and founded besides on the authority of the fathers of the church."
Some writers again, among whom it is with great regret I am compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara, and Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Ca- naanites, being driven from the land of promise by the Jews, were seized with such a panic, that they fled without looking behind them, until stopping to take breath they found themselves safe in Ame- rica. As they brought neither their national lan- guage, manners nor features, with them, it is sup- posed they left them behind in the hurry of their flight -- I cannot give my faith to this opinion.
I pass over the supposition of the learned Gro- tius, who being both an ambassador and a Dutch- man to boot, is entitled to great respect; that North America, was peopled by a strolling com- pany of Norwegians, and that Peru was founded by a colonyfrom China -- Manco or Mungo Capac, the first Incas, being himself a Chinese. Nor shall I more than barely mention that father Kircher, ascribes the settlement of America to the Egypti- ans, Budbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to the Gauls, Juffredus Petri to a skaiting party from Friesland, Milius to the Celtæ, Marinocus the Si- cilian to the Romans, Le Compte to the Phoenici- ans, Postel to the Moors, Martyn d'Angleria to the Abyssinians, together with the sage surmise of De Laet, that England, Ireland and the Orcades may contend for that honour.
Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit to the idea that America is the fairy region of Zi- pangri, described by that dreaming traveller Marco Polo the Venetian; or that it comprizes the vision- ary island of Atlantis, described by Plato. Neither will I stop to investigate the heathenish assertion of Paracelsus, that each hemisphere of the globe was originally furnished with an Adam and Eve. Or the more flattering opinion of Dr. Romayne sup- ported by many nameless authorities, that Adam was of the Indian race -- or the startling conjecture of Buffon, Helvetius, and Darwin, so highly ho- nourable to mankind, and peculiarly complimentary to the French nation, that the whole human species are accidentally descended from a remarkable fami- ly of monkies!
This last conjecture, I must own, came upon me very suddenly and very ungraciously. I have often beheld the clown in a pantomime, while gaz- ing in stupid wonder at the extravagant gambols of a harlequin, all at once electrified by a sudden stroke of the wooden sword across his shoulders. Little did I think at such times, that it would ever fall to my lot to be treated with equal discourtesy, and that while I was quietly beholding these grave philosophers, emulating the excentric transforma- tions of the parti-coloured hero of pantomime, they would on a sudden turn upon me and my readers, and with one flourish of their conjectural wand, metamorphose us into beasts! I determined from that moment not to burn my fingers with any more of their theories, but content myself with detailing the different methods by which they transported the descendants of these ancient and respectable mon- keys, to this great field of theoretical warfare.
This was done either by migrations by land or transmigrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph D' Acosta enumerates three passages by land, first by the north of Europe, secondly by the north of Asia and thirdly by regions southward of the straits of Ma- gellan. The learned Grotius marches his Norwe- gians by a pleasant route across frozen rivers and arms of the sea, through Iceland, Greenland, Es- totiland and Naremberga. And various writers, among whom are Angleria, De Hornn and Buffon, anxious for the acommodation of these travellers, have fastened the two continents together by a strong chain of deductions -- by which means they could pass over dry shod. But should even this fail, Pinkerton, that industrious old gentleman, who compiles books and manufactures Geographies, and who erst flung away his wig and cane, frolicked like a naughty boy, and committed a thousand etourderies, among the petites filles of Paris10 -- he I say, has constructed a natural bridge of ice, from continent to continent, at the distance of four or five miles from Behring's straits -- for which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all the wander- ing aborigines who ever did, or ever will pass over it.
It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of the worthy writers above quoted, could ever com- mence his work, without immediately declaring hos- tilities against every writer who had treated of the same subject. In this particular, authors may be compared to a certain sagacious bird, which in build- ing its nest, is sure to pull to pieces the nests of all the birds in its neighbourhood. This unhappy pro- pensity tends grievously to impede the progress of sound knowledge. Theories are at best but brittle productions, and when once committed to the stream, they should take care that like the notable pots which were fellow voyagers, they do not crack each other. But this literary animosity is almost uncon- querable. Even I, who am of all men the most candid and liberal, when I sat down to write this authentic history, did all at once conceive an abso- lute, bitter and unutterable contempt, a strange and unimaginable disbelief, a wondrous and most ineffa- ble scoffing of the spirit, for the theories of the nu- merous literati, who have treated before me, of this country. I called them jolter heads, numsculls, dunderpates, dom cops, bottericks, domme jordans, and a thousand other equally indignant appellations. But when I came to consider the matter coolly and dispassionately, my opinion was altogether changed. When I beheld these sages gravely accounting for unaccountable things, and discoursing thus wisely about matters forever hidden from their eyes, like a blind man describing the glories of light, and the beauty and harmony of colours, I fell back in asto- nishment at the amazing extent of human ingenuity.
If -- cried I to myself, these learned men can weave whole systems out of nothing, what would be their productions were they furnished with substantial materials -- if they can argue and dispute thus in- geniously about subjects beyond their knowledge, what would be the profundity of their observations, did they but know what they were talking about! Should old Radamanthus, when he comes to decide upon their conduct while on earth, have the least idea of the usefulness of their labours, he will un- doubtedly class them with those notorious wise men of Gotham, who milked a bull, twisted a rope of sand, and wove a velvet purse from a sow's ear.
My chief surprise is, that among the many wri- ters I have noticed, no one has attempted to prove that this country was peopled from the moon -- or that the first inhabitants floated hither on islands of ice, as white bears cruize about the northern oceans -- or that they were conveyed here by balloons, as modern æreconauts pass from Dover to Calais -- or by witch- craft, as Simon Magus posted among the stars -- or after the manner of the renowned Scythian Abaris, who like the New England witches on full-blooded broomsticks, made most unheard of journeys on the back of a golden arrow, given him by the Hyper- borean Apollo.
But there is still one mode left by which this country could have been peopled, which I have re- served for the last, because I consider it worth all the rest, it is -- by accident! Speaking of the islands of Solomon, New Guinea, and New Holland, the pro- found father Charlevoix observes, "in fine, all these countries are peopled, and it is possible, some have been so by accident. Now if it could have happened in that manner, why might it not have been at the same time, and by the same means, with the other parts of the globe?" This ingenious mode of deducing certain conclusions from possible premises, is an im- provement in syllogistic skill, and proves the good father superior even to Archimedes, for he can turn the world without any thing to rest his lever upon. It is only surpassed by the dexterity with which the sturdy old Jesuit, in another place, demolishes the gordian knot -- "Nothing" says he, "is more easy. The inhabitants of both hemispheres are certainly the descendants of the same father. The common father of mankind, received an express order from Heaven, to people the world, and accordingly it has been peopled. To bring this about, it was necessary to overcome all difficulties in the way, and they have also been overcome!" Pious Logician! How does he put all the herd of laborious theorists to the blush, by explaining in fair words, what it has cost them volumes to prove they knew nothing about!
They have long been picking at the lock, and fretting at the latch, but the honest father at once unlocks the door by bursting it open, and when he has it once a-jar, he is at full liberty to pour in as many nations as he pleases. This proves to a de- monstration that a little piety is better than a cart- load of philosophy, and is a practical illustration of that scriptural promise -- "By faith ye shall move mountains."
From all the authorities here quoted, and a va- riety of others which I have consulted, but which are omitted through fear of fatiguing the unlearned reader -- I can only draw the following conclusions, which luckily however, are sufficient for my purpose -- First, That this part of the world has actually been peopled (Q. E. D.) to support which, we have living proofs in the numerous tribes of Indians that inha- bit it. Secondly, That it has been peopled in five hundred different ways, as proved by a cloud of au- thors, who from the positiveness of their assertions seem to have been eye witnesses to the fact -- Thirdly, That the people of this country had a va- riety of fathers, which as it may not be thought much to their credit by the common run of readers, the less we say on the subject the better. The ques- tion therefore, I trust, is forever at rest.
[10] Vide Ed. Review
In which the Author puts a mighty Question to the rout, by the assistance of the Man in the Moon -- which not only delivers thousands of people from great embarrassment, but likewise con- cludes this introductory book.
The writer of a history may, in some respects, be likened unto an adventurous knight, who having undertaken a perilous enterprize, by way of esta- blishing his fame, feels bound in honour and chi- valry, to turn back for no difficulty nor hardship, and never to shrink or quail whatever enemy he may encounter. Under this impression, I reso- lutely draw my pen and fall to, with might and main, at those doughty questions and subtle para- doxes, which, like fiery dragons and bloody giants, beset the entrance to my history, and would fain repulse me from the very threshold. And at this moment a gigantic question has started up, which I must take by the beard and utterly subdue, before I can advance another step in my historick under- taking -- but I trust this will be the last adversary I shall have to contend with, and that in the next book, I shall be enabled to conduct my readers in triumph into the body of my work.
The question which has thus suddenly arisen, is, what right had the first discoverers of America to land, and take possession of a country, without asking the consent of its inhabitants, or yielding them an adequate compensation for their territory?
My readers shall now see with astonishment, how easily I will vanquish this gigantic doubt, which has so long been the terror of adventurous writers; which has withstood so many fierce as- saults, and has given such great distress of mind to multitudes of kind-hearted folks. For, until this mighty question is totally put to rest, the worthy people of America can by no means enjoy the soil they inhabit, with clear right and title, and quiet, unsullied consciences.
The first source of right, by which property is acquired in a country, is DISCOVERY. For as all mankind have an equal right to any thing, which has never before been appropriated, so any nation, that discovers an uninhabited country, and takes possession thereof, is considered as enjoying full property, and absolute, unquestionable empire therein.11
This proposition being admitted, it follows clearly, that the Europeans who first visited Ame- rica, were the real discoverers of the same; nothing being necessary to the establishment of this fact, but simply to prove that it was totally uninhabited by man. This would at first appear to be a point of some difficulty, for it is well known, that this quarter of the world abounded with certain ani- mals, that walked erect on two feet, had something of the human countenance, uttered certain unintel- ligible sounds, very much like language, in short, had a marvellous resemblance to human beings. But the host of zealous and enlightened fathers, who accompanied the discoverers, for the purpose of promoting the kingdom of heaven, by establish- ing fat monasteries and bishopricks on earth, soon cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfaction of his holiness the pope, and of all Christian voyagers and discoverers.
They plainly proved, and as there were no In- dian writers arose on the other side, the fact was considered as fully admitted and established, that the two legged race of animals before mentioned, were mere cannibals, detestable monsters, and many of them giants -- a description of vagrants, that since the times of Gog, Magog and Goliath, have been considered as outlaws, and have received no quarter in either history, chivalry or song; indeed, even the philosopher Bacon, declared the Ameri- cans to be people proscribed by the laws of nature, inasmuch as they had a barbarous custom of sacri- ficing men, and feeding upon man's flesh.
Nor are these all the proofs of their utter bar- barism: among many other writers of discernment, the celebrated Ulloa tells us "their imbecility is so visible, that one can hardly form an idea of them different from what one has of the brutes. Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally insen- sible to disasters, and to prosperity. Though half naked, they are as contented as a monarch in his most splendid array. Fear makes no impression on them, and respect as little." -- All this is fur- thermore supported by the authority of M. Bou- guer. "It is not easy," says he, "to describe the degree of their indifference for wealth and all its advantages. One does not well know what mo- tives to propose to them when one would persuade them to any service. It is vain to offer them mo- ney, they answer that they are not hungry." And Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring us that "ambition, they have none, and are more desirous of being thought strong, than valiant. The objects of ambition with us, honour, fame, reputation, riches, posts and distinctions are unknown among them. So that this powerful spring of action, the cause of so much seeming good and real evil in the world has no power over them. In a word, these unhap- py mortals may be compared to children, in whom the developement of reason is not completed."
Now all these peculiarities, though in the un- enlightened states of Greece, they would have en- titled their possessors to immortal honour, as having reduced to practice those rigid and abste- mious maxims, the mere talking about which, ac- quired certain old Greeks the reputation of sages and philosophers; -- yet were they clearly proved in the present instance, to betoken a most abject and brutified nature, totally beneath the human character. But the benevolent fathers, who had undertaken to turn these unhappy savages into dumb beasts, by dint of argument, advanced still stronger proofs; for as certain divines of the six- teenth century, and among the rest Lullus affirm -- the Americans go naked, and have no beards! -- "They have nothing," says Lullus, "of the rea- sonable animal, except the mask." -- And even that mask was allowed to avail them but little, for it was soon found that they were of a hideous copper complexion -- and being of a copper complexion, it was all the same as if they were negroes -- and ne- groes are black, "and black" said the pious fathers, devoutly crossing themselves, "is the colour of the Devil!" Therefore so far from being able to own property, they had no right even to personal free- dom, for liberty is too radiant a deity, to inhabit such gloomy temples. All which circumstances plainly convinced the righteous followers of Cortes and Pizarro, that these miscreants had no title to the soil that they infested -- that they were a per- verse, illiterate, dumb, beardless, bare-bottomed black-seed -- mere wild beasts of the forests, and like them should either be subdued or exterminated.
From the foregoing arguments therefore, and a host of others equally conclusive, which I forbear to enumerate, it was clearly evident, that this fair quarter of the globe when first visited by Eu- ropeans, was a howling wilderness, inhabited by no- thing but wild beasts; and that the trans-atlantic visitors acquired an incontrovertable property there- in, by the right of Discovery.
This right being fully established, we now come to the next, which is the right acquired by cultivation. "The cultivation of the soil" we are told "is an obligation imposed by nature on man "kind. The whole world is appointed for the "nourishment of its inhabitants; but it would be "incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. Every "nation is then obliged by the law of nature to "cultivate the ground that has fallen to its share. "Those people like the ancient Germans and mo "dern Tartars, who having fertile countries, disdain "to cultivate the earth, and choose to live by rapine, "are wanting to themselves, and deserve to be ex "terminated as savage and pernicious beasts."12
Now it is notorious, that the savages knew no- thing of agriculture, when first discovered by the Europeans, but lived a most vagabond, disorderly, unrighteous life, -- rambling from place to place, and prodigally rioting upon the spontaneous luxuries of nature, without tasking her generosity to yield them any thing more; whereas it has been most unquestionably shewn, that heaven intended the earth should be ploughed and sown, and manured, and laid out into cities and towns and farms, and country seats, and pleasure grounds, and public gardens, all which the Indians knew nothing about -- therefore they did not improve the talents pro- vidence had bestowed on them -- therefore they were careless stewards -- therefore they had no right to the soil -- therefore they deserved to be ex- terminated.
It is true the savages might plead that they drew all the benefits from the land which their sim- ple wants required -- they found plenty of game to hunt, which together with the roots and uncultivat- ed fruits of the earth, furnished a sufficient variety for their frugal table; -- and that as heaven merely designed the earth to form the abode, and satisfy the wants of man; so long as those purposes were answered, the will of heaven was accomplished. -- But this only proves how undeserving they were of the blessings around them -- they were so much the more savages, for not having more wants; for knowledge is in some degree an increase of desires, and it is this superiority both in the number and magnitude of his desires, that distinguishes the man from the beast. Therefore the Indians, in not having more wants, were very unreasonable animals; and it was but just that they should make way for the Europeans, who had a thousand wants to their one, and therefore would turn the earth to more account, and by cultivating it, more truly fulfil the will of heaven. Besides -- Grotius and Lauterbach, and Puffendorff and Titius and a host of wise men besides, who have considered the matter properly, have determined, that the proper- ty of a country cannot be acquired by hunting, cut- ting wood, or drawing water in it -- nothing but precise demarcation of limits, and the intention of cultivation, can establish the possession. Now as the savages (probably from never having read the authors above quoted) had never complied with any of these necessary forms, it plainly follows that they had no right to the soil, but that it was completely at the disposal of the first comers, who had more knowledge and more wants than them- selves -- who would portion out the soil, with chur- lish boundaries; who would torture nature to pam- per a thousand fantastic humours and capricious appetites; and who of course were far more ra- tional animals than themselves. In entering upon a newly discovered, uncultivated country there- fore, the new comers were but taking possession of what, according to the aforesaid doctrine, was their own property -- therefore in opposing them, the savages were invading their just rights, infringing the immutable laws of nature and counteracting the will of heaven -- therefore they were guilty of im- piety, burglary and trespass on the case, -- therefore they were hardened offenders against God and man -- therefore they ought to be exterminated.
But a more irresistible right then either that I have mentioned, and one which will be the most readily admitted by my reader, provided he is blessed with bowels of charity and philanthropy, is the right acquired by civilization. All the world knows the lamentable state in which these poor sa- vages were found. Not only deficient in the com- forts of life, but what is still worse, most piteously and unfortunately blind to the miseries of their si- tuation. But no sooner did the benevolent inhabi- tants of Europe behold their sad condition than they immediately went to work to ameliorate and improve it. They introduced among them the comforts of life, consisting of rum, gin and brandy -- and it is astonish- ing to read how soon the poor savages learnt to es- timate these blessings -- they likewise made known to them a thousand remedies, by which the most inveterate diseases are alleviated and healed, and that they might comprehend the benefits and enjoy the comforts of these medicines, they previously introduced among them the diseases, which they were calculated to cure. By these and a variety of other methods was the condition of these poor sa- vages, wonderfully improved; they acquired a thousand wants, of which they had before been ig- norant, and as he has most sources of happiness, who has most wants to be gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered a much happier race of beings.
But the most important branch of civilization, and which has most strenuously been extolled, by the zealous and pious fathers of the Roman Church, is the introduction of the Christian faith. It was truly a sight that might well inspire horror, to behold these savages, stumbling among the dark mountains of paganism, and guilty of the most hor- rible ignorance of religion. It is true, they neither stole nor defrauded, they were sober, frugal, conti- nent, and faithful to their word; but though they acted right habitually, it was all in vain, unless they acted so from precept. The new comers therefore used every method, to induce them to embrace and practice the true religion -- except that of setting them the example.
But notwithstanding all these complicated la- bours for their good, such was the unparalleled ob- stinacy of these stubborn wretches, that they ungrate- fully refused, to acknowledge the strangers as their benefactors, and persisted in disbelieving the doctrines they endeavoured to inculcate; most inso- lently alledging, that from their conduct, the advo- cates of Christianity did not seem to believe in it them- selves. Was not this too much forhum an patience? -- would not one suppose, that the foreign emigrants from Europe, provoked at their incredulity and discouraged by their stiff-necked obstinacy, would forever have abandoned their shores, and consigned them to their original ignorance and misery? -- But no -- so zealous were they to effect the temporal comfort and eternal salvation of these pagan infi- dels, that they even proceeded from the milder means of persuasion, to the more painful and trou- blesome one of persecution -- Let loose among them, whole troops of fiery monks and furious blood-hounds -- purified them by fire and sword, by stake and faggot; in consequence of which in- defatigable measures, the cause of Christian love and charity were so rapidly advanced, that in a very few years, not one fifth of the number of unbelievers existed in South America, that were found there at the time of its discovery.
Nor did the other methods of civilization remain uninforced. The Indians improved daily and won- derfully by their intercourse with the whites. They took to drinking rum, and making bargains. They learned to cheat, to lie, to swear, to gamble, to quarrel, to cut each others throats, in short, to ex- cel in all the accomplishments that had originally marked the superiority of their Christian visitors. And such a surprising aptitude have they shewn for these acquirements, that there is very little doubt that in a century more, provided they survive so long, the irrisistible effects of civilization; they will equal in knowledge, refinement, knavery, and debauchery, the most enlightened, civilized and orthodox nations of Europe.
What stronger right need the European settlers advance to the country than this. Have not whole nations of uninformed savages been made acquaint- ed with a thousand imperious wants and indispen- sible comforts of which they were before wholly ignorant -- Have they not been literally hunted and smoked out of the dens and lurking places of igno- rance and infidelity, and absolutely scourged into the right path. Have not the temporal things, the vain baubles and filthy lucre of this world, which were too apt to engage their worldly and selfish thoughts, been benevolently taken from them; and have they not in lieu thereof, been taught to set their affections on things above -- And finally, to use the words of a reverend Spanish father, in a letter to his superior in Spain -- "Can any one have the "presumption to say, that these savage Pagans, "have yielded any thing more than an inconsidera "ble recompense to their benefactors; in surren "dering to them a little pitiful tract of this dirty "sublunary planet, in exchange for a glorious inhe "ritance in the kingdom of Heaven!"
Here then are three complete and undeniable sources of right established, any one of which was more than ample to establish a property in the newly discovered regions of America. Now, so it has happened in certain parts of this delightful quarter of the globe, that the right of discovery has been so strenuously asserted -- the influence of cultiva- tion so industriously extended, and the progress of salvation and civilization so zealously prosecuted, that, what with their attendant wars, persecutions, oppressions, diseases, and other partial evils that often hang on the skirts of great benefits -- the sa- vage aborigines have, some how or another, been utterly annihilated -- and this all at once brings me to a fourth right, which is worth all the others put together -- For the original claimants to the soil bring all dead and buried, and no one remaining to inherit or dispute the soil, the Spaniards as the next immediate occupants entered upon the possession, as clearly as the hang-man succeeds to the clothes of the malefactor -- and as they have Blackstone,13 and all the learned expounders of the law on their side, they may set all actions of ejectment at de- fiance -- and this last right may be entitled, the RIGHT BY EXTERMINATION, or in other words, the RIGHT BY GUNPOWDER.
But lest any scruples of conscience should re- main on this head, and to settle the question of right forever, his holiness Pope Alexander VI, issued one of those mighty bulls, which bear down reason, argument and every thing before them; by which he generously granted the newly discovered quarter of the globe, to the Spaniards and Portuguese; who, thus having law and gospel on their side, and being inflamed with great spiritual zeal, shewed the Pa- gan savages neither favour nor affection, but prose- cuted the work of discovery, colonization, civiliza- tion, and extermination, with ten times more fury than ever.
Thus were the European worthies who first dis- covered America, clearly entitled to the soil; and not only entitled to the soil, but likewise to the eternal thanks of these infidel savages, for having come so far, endured so many perils by sea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, for no other purpose under heaven but to improve their forlorn, uncivilized and heathenish condition -- for having made them acquainted with the comforts of life, such as gin, rum, brandy, and the small-pox; for having introduced among them the light of religion, and finally -- for having hurried them out of the world, to enjoy its reward!
But as argument is never so well understood by us selfish mortals, as when it comes home to our- selves, and as I am particularly anxious that this question should be put to rest forever, I will sup- pose a parallel case, by way of arousing the candid attention of my readers.
Let us suppose then, that the inhabitants of the moon, by astonishing advancement in science, and by a profound insight into that ineffable lunar phi- losophy, the mere flickerings of which, have of late years, dazzled the feeble optics, and addled the shallow brains of the good people of our globe -- let us suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the moon, by these means, had arrived at such a com- mand of their energies, such an enviable state of perfectability, as to controul the elements, and navi- gate the boundless regions of space. Let us sup- pose a roving crew of these soaring philosophers, in the course of an ærial voyage of discovery among the stars, should chance to alight upon this out- landish planet.
And here I beg my readers will not have the impertinence to smile, as is too frequently the fault of volatile readers, when perusing the grave specu- lations of philosophers. I am far from indulging in any sportive vein at present, nor is the supposi- tion I have been making so wild as many may deem it. It has long been a very serious and anxious ques- tion with me, and many a time, and oft, in the course of my overwhelming cares and contrivances for the welfare and protection of this my native planet, have I lain awake whole nights, debating in my mind whe- ther it was most probable we should first discover and civilize the moon, or the moon discover and civilize our globe. Neither would the prodigy of sailing in the air and cruising among the stars be a whit more astonishing and incomprehensible to us, than was the European mystery of navigating floating castles, through the world of waters, to the simple savages. We have already discovered the art of coasting along the ærial shores of our planet, by means of balloons, as the savages had, of venturing along their sea coasts in canoes; and the disparity between the former, and the ærial vehicles of the philosophers from the moon, might not be greater, than that, between the bark canoes of the savages, and the mighty ships of their discoverers. I might here pursue an endless chain of very curious, pro- found and unprofitable speculations; but as they would be unimportant to my subject, I abandon them to my reader, particularly if he is a philoso- pher, as matters well worthy his attentive consider- ation.
To return then to my supposition -- let us sup- pose that the aerial visitants I have mentioned, pos- sessed of vastly superior knowledge to ourselves; that is to say, possessed of superior knowledge in the art of extermination -- riding on Hypogriffs, de- fended with impenetrable armour -- armed with concentrated sun beams, and provided with vast engines, to hurl enormous moon stones: in short, let us suppose them, if our vanity will permit the supposition, as superior to us in knowledge, and consequently in power, as the Europeans were to the Indians, when they first discovered them. All this is very possible, it is only our self-sufficiency, that makes us think otherwise; and I warrant the poor savages, before they had any knowledge of the white men, armed in all the terrors of glittering steel and tremendous gun-powder, were as per- fectly convinced that they themselves, were the wisest, the most virtuous, powerful and perfect of created beings, as are, at this present moment, the lordly inhabitants of old England, the volatile popu- lace of France, or even the self-satisfied citizens of this most enlightened republick.
Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voya- gers, finding this planet to be nothing but a howling wilderness, inhabited by us, poor savages and wild beasts, shall take formal possession of it, in the name of his most gracious and philosophic excel- lency, the man in the moon. Finding however, that their numbers are incompetent to hold it in complete subjection, on account of the ferocious barbarity of its inhabitants; they shall take our worthy President, the King of England, the Empe- ror of Hayti, the mighty little Bonaparte, and the great King of Bantam, and returning to their na- tive planet, shall carry them to court, as were the Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the courts of Europe.
Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of the court requires, they shall address the puissant man in the moon, in, as near as I can conjecture, the following terms:
"Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose do- minions extend as far as eye can reach, who rideth on the Great Bear, useth the sun as a looking glass and maintaineth unrivalled controul over tides, madmen and sea-crabs. We thy liege sub- jects have just returned from a voyage of discovery, in the course of which we have landed and taken possession of that obscure little scurvy planet, which thou beholdest rolling at a distance. The five uncouth monsters, which we have brought into this august presence, were once very important chiefs among their fellow savages; for the inha- bitants of the newly discovered globe are totally destitute of the common attributes of humanity, inasmuch as they carry their heads upon their shoulders, instead of under their arms -- have two eyes instead of one -- are utterly destitute of tails, and of a variety of unseemly complexions, particu- larly of a horrible whiteness -- whereas all the in- habitants of the moon are pea green!
We have moreover found these miserable sa- vages sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance and depravity, every man shamelessly living with his own wife, and rearing his own children, instead of indulging in that community of wives, enjoined by the law of nature, as expounded by the philoso- phers of the moon. In a word they have scarcely a gleam of true philosophy among them, but are in fact, utter heretics, ignoramuses and barbarians. Taking compassion therefore on the sad condition of these sublunary wretches, we have endeavour- ed, while we remained on their planet, to introduce among them the light of reason -- and the comforts of the moon. -- We have treated them to mouthfuls of moonshine and draughts of nitrous oxyde, which they swallowed with incredible voracity, particular- ly the females; and we have likewise endeavour- ed to instil into them the precepts of lunar Philoso- phy. We have insisted upon their renouncing the contemptable shackles of religion and common sense, and adoring the profound, omnipotent, and all perfect energy, and the extatic, immutable, im- moveable perfection. But such was the unparallel- ed obstinacy of these wretched savages, that they persisted in cleaving to their wives and adhering to their religion, and absolutely set at naught the sub- lime doctrines of the moon -- nay, among other abominable heresies they even went so far as blasphemously to declare, that this ineffable planet was made of nothing more nor less than green cheese!"
At these words, the great man in the moon (be- ing a very profound philosopher) shall fall into a terrible passion, and possessing equal authority over things that do not belong to him, as did whilome his holiness the Pope, shall forthwith issue a formidable bull, -- specifying, "That -- whereas a certain crew of Lunatics have lately discovered and taken possession of that little dirty planet, called the carth -- and that whereas it is inhabited by none but a race of two legged animals, that carry their heads on their shoulders instead of under their arms; can- not talk the lunatic language; have two eyes in- stead of one; are destitute of tails, and of a horri- ble whiteness, instead of pea green -- therefore and for a variety of other excellent reasons -- they are considered incapable of possessing any property in the planet they infest, and the right and title to it are confirmed to its original discoverers. -- And fur- thermore, the colonists who are now about to depart to the aforesaid planet, are authorized and commanded to use every means to convert these infidel savages from the darkness of Chris- tianity, and make them thorough and absolute lunatics."
In consequence of this benevolent bull, our phi- losophic benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. They sieze upon our fertile territories scourge us from our rightful possessions, relieve us from our wives, and when we are unreasonable enough to complain, they will turn upon us and say -- misera- ble barbarians! ungrateful wretches! -- have we not come thousands of miles to improve your worthless planet -- have we not fed you with moon shine -- have we not intoxicated you with nitrous oxyde -- does not our moon give you light every night and have you the baseness to murmur, when we claim a pitiful return for all these benefits? But finding that we not only persist in absolute contempt to their reasoning and disbelief in their philosophy, but even go so far as daringly to defend our property, their patience shall be exhausted, and they shall resort to their superior powers of argument -- hunt us with hypogriffs, transfix us with concentrated sun-beams, demolish our cities with moonstones; until having by main force, converted us to the true faith, they shall graciously permit us to exist in the torrid deserts of Arabia, or the frozen re- gions of Lapland, there to enjoy the blessings of civilization and the charms of lunar philosophy -- in much the same manner as the reformed and en- lightened savages of this country, are kindly suf- fered to inhabit the inhospitable forests of the north, or the impenetrable wildernesses of South America.
Thus have I clearly proved, and I hope strik- ingly illustrated, the right of the early colonists to the possession of this country -- and thus is this gi- gantic question, completely knocked in the head -- so having manfully surmounted all obstacles, and subdued all opposition, what remains but that I should forthwith conduct my impatient and way- worn readers, into the renowned city, which we have so long been in a manner besieging. -- But hold, before I proceed another step, I must pause to take breath and recover from the excessive fa- tigue I have undergone, in preparing to begin this most accurate of histories. And in this I do but imitate the example of the celebrated Hans Von Dunderbottom, who took a start of three miles for the purpose of jumping over a hill, but having been himself out of breath by the time he reached the foot, sat himself quietly down for a few moments to blow, and then walked over it at his leisure. END OF BOOK I. [11] Grotius. Puffendorf, b. 4. c. 4. Vattel, b. 1. c. 18. et alii. [12] Vattel -- B.i, ch. 17. See likewise Grotius, Puffendorf, et alii. [13] Black. Com. B. II, c. i.
How Master Hendrick Hudson, voyaging in search of a north-west passage discovered the fa- mous bay of New York, and likewise the great river Mohegan -- and how he was magnificently rewarded by the munificence of their High Mightinesses.
In the ever memorable year of our Lord 1609, on the five and twentieth day of March (O. S.) -- a fine Saturday morning, when jocund Phoebus, hav- ing his face newly washed, by gentle dews and spring time showers, looked from the glorious win- dows of the east, with a more than usually shining countenance -- "that worthy and irrecoverable dis- coverer, Master Henry Hudson" set sail from Hol- land in a stout vessel,14 called the Half Moon, being employed by the Dutch East India Company, to seek a north-west passage to China.
Of this celebrated voyage we have a narration still extant, written with true log-book brevity, by master Robert Juet of Lime house, mate of the ves- sel; who was appointed historian of the voyage, partly on account of his uncommon literary talents, but chiefly, as I am credibly informed, because he was a countryman and schoolfellow of the great Hudson, with whom he had often played truant and sailed chip boats, when he was a little boy. I am enabled however to supply the deficiencies of mas- ter Juet's journal, by certain documents furnished me by very respectable Dutch families, as likewise by sundry family traditions, handed down from my great great Grandfather, who accompanied the ex- pedition in the capacity of cabin boy.
From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of remark happened in the voyage; and it morti- fies me exceedingly that I have to admit so noted an expedition into my work, without making any more of it. -- Oh! that I had the advantages of that most authentic writer of yore, Apollonius Rhodius, who in his account of the famous Argonautic expe- dition, has the whole mythology at his disposal, and elevates Jason and his compeers into heroes and demigods; though all the world knows them to have been a meer gang of sheep stealers, on a marauding expedition -- or that I had the privileges of Dan Homer and Dan Virgil to enliven my narra- tion, with giants and Lystrigonians, to entertain our honest mariners with an occasional concert of syrens and mermaids, and now and then with the rare shew of honest old Neptune and his fleet of frolicksome cruisers. But alas! the good old times have long gone by, when your waggish deities would descend upon the terraqueous globe, in their own proper persons, and play their pranks, upon its wondering inhabitants. Neptune has pro- claimed an embargo in his dominions, and the sturdy tritons, like disbanded sailors, are out of em- ploy, unless old Charon has charitably taken them into his service, to sound their conchs, and ply as his ferry-men. Certain it is, no mention has been made of them by any of our modern navigators, who are not behind their ancient predecessors in tampering with the marvellous -- nor has any notice been taken of them, in that most minute and au- thentic chronicle of the seas, the New York Gazette edited by Solomon Lang. Even Castor and Pol- lux, those flaming meteors that blaze at the mast- head of tempest tost vessels, are rarely beheld in these degenerate days -- and it is but now and then, that our worthy sea captains fall in with that por- tentous phantom of the seas, that terror to all expe- rienced mariners, that shadowy spectrum of the night -- the flying Dutchman!
Suffice it then to say, the voyage was prosperous and tranquil -- the crew being a patient people, much given to slumber and vacuity, and but little troubled with the disease of thinking -- a malady of the mind, which is the sure breeder of discontent. Hudson had laid in abundance of gin and sour crout, and every man was allowed to sleep quietly at his post, unless the wind blew. True it is, some slight dis- satisfaction was shewn on two or three occasions, at certain unreasonable conduct of Commodore Hudson. Thus for instance, he forbore to shorten sail when the wind was light, and the weather serene, which was considered among the most experienced dutch seamen, as certain weather breeders, or prog- nostics, that the weather would change for the worse. He acted, moreover, in direct contradiction to that ancient and sage rule of the dutch navigators, who always took in sail at night -- put the helm a-port, and turned in -- by which precaution they had a good night's rest -- were sure of knowing where they were the next morning, and stood but little chance of running down a continent in the dark. He like- wise prohibited the seamen from wearing more than five jackets, and six pair of breeches, under pre- tence of rendering them more alert; and no man was permitted to go aloft, and hand in sails, with a pipe in his mouth, as is the invariable Dutch cus- tom, at the present day -- All these grievances, though they might ruffle for a moment, the constitu- tional tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, made but transient impression; they eat hugely, drank profusely, and slept immeasurably, and being under the especial guidance of providence, the ship was safely conducted to the coast of America; where, after sundry unimportant touchings and standings off and on, she at length, on the fourth day of Sep- tember entered that majestic bay, which at this day expands its ample bosom, before the city of New York, and which had never before been visited by any European.
True it is -- and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in a certain aprocryphal book of voyages, com- piled by one Hacluyt, is to be found a letter written to Francis the First, by one Giovanne, or John Verazzani, on which some writers are inclined to found a belief that this delightful bay had been visited nearly a century previous to the voyage of the enterprizing Hudson. Now this (albeit it has met with the countenance of certain very judicious and learned men) I hold in utter disbelief, and that for various good and substantial reasons -- First, Because on strict examination it will be found, that the description given by this Verazzani, applies about as well to the bay of New York, as it does to my night cap -- Secondly, Because that this John Verazzani, for whom I already begin to feel a most bitter enmity, is a native of Florence; and every body knows the crafty wiles of these losel Florentines, by which they filched away the laurels, from the arms of the immortal Colon, (vul- garly called Columbus) and bestowed them on their officious townsman, Amerigo Vespucci -- and I make no doubt they are equally ready to rob the illustrious Hudson, of the credit of discovering this beauteous island, adorned by the city of New York, and placing it beside their usurped discovery of South America. And thirdly, I award my decision in favour of the pretensions of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed from Holland, being truly and absolutely a Dutch enterprize -- and though all the proofs in the world were introduced on the other side, I would set them at naught as undeserving my attention. If these three reasons are not sufficient to satisfy every burgher of this anc