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ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR.

BOOK I. Being, like all introductions to American histories, very learned, sagacious, and nothing at all to the purpose; containing divers profound theories and philosophic speculations, which the idle reader may totally overlook, and begin at the next book.

CHAP. I.
CHAP. II.
CHAP. III.
CHAP. IV.
CHAP. V.

BOOK II. Treating of the first settlement of the province of Nieuw Nederlants.

CHAP. I.
CHAP. II.
CHAP. III.
CHAP. IV.
CHAP V.

BOOK III. In which is recorded the golden reign of Wouter Van Twiller.

CHAP. I.
CHAP. II.
CHAP. III.
CHAP IV.
CHAP. V.
CHAP. VI.
CHAP. VII.
CHAP. VIII.

BOOK IV. Containing the Chronicles of the reign of William the Testy.

CHAP. I.
CHAP. II.
CHAP. III.
CHAP. IV.
CHAP. V.
CHAP VI.
CHAP. VII.

VOL. II.

BOOK V. Containing the first part of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant and his troubles with the Amphyctionic Council.

CHAP. I.
CHAP. II.
CHAP. III.
CHAP. IV.
CHAP. V.
CHAP. VI.
CHAP VII.

BOOK VI. Containing the second part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong -- and his gallant atchievements on the Delaware.

CHAP. I.
CHAP. II.
CHAP III.
CHAP. IV.
CHAP. V.
CHAP. VI.
CHAP. VII.
CHAP. VIII.

BOOK VII. Containing the third part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong -- his troubles with the British nation, and the decline and fall of the Dutch dynasty.

CHAP. I.
CHAP. II.
CHAP. III.
CHAP. IV.
CHAP. V.
CHAP. VI.
CHAP. VII.
CHAP. VIII.
CHAP. IX.
CHAP. X.

  
A HISTORY
OF
NEW YORK,

FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE WORLD TO THE
END OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY.
CONTAINING
Among many Surprising and Curious Matters, the Unutterable
Ponderings of Walter the Doubter, the Disastrous
Projects of William the Testy, and the Chivalric
Achievments of Peter the Headstrong, the three
Dutch Governors of New Amsterdam; being the only
Authentic History of the Times that ever hath been, or ever
will be Published.
BY DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER.

  
De waarheid die in duiffer lag,
Die komt met klaarheid aan den dag.

  
TO THE
NEW YORK
HISTORICAL SOCIETY 
   This Work is respectfully
Dedicated, as a humble and unworthy Tes-
timony of the profound veneration and ex-
alted esteem of the Society's

Sincere Well wisher
and
Devoted Servant

DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER.

ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR.

It was sometime, if I recollect right, in the early part of the Fall of 1808, that a stranger applied for lodgings at the Independent Columbian Hotel in Mulberry Street, of which I am landlord. He was a small brisk looking old gentleman, dressed in a rusty black coat, a pair of olive velvet breeches, and a small cocked hat. He had a few grey hairs plaited and clubbed behind, and his beard seemed to be of some four and twenty hours growth. The only piece of finery which he bore about him, was a bright pair of square silver shoe buckles, and all his baggage was contained in a pair of saddle bags which he carried under his arm. His whole ap- pearance was something out of the common run, and my wife, who is a very shrewd body, at once set him down for some eminent country school- master.

As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very small house, I was a little puzzled at first where to put him; but my wife, who seemed taken with his looks, would needs put him in her best cham- ber, which is genteely set off with the profiles of the whole family, done in black, by those two great painters Jarvis and Wood; and commands a very pleasant view of the new grounds on the Collect, together with the rear of the Poor house and Bride- well and the full front of the Hospital, so that it is the cheerfullest room in the whole house.

During the whole time that he stayed with us, we found him a very worthy good sort of an old gentleman, though a little queer in his ways. He would keep in his room for days together, and if any of the children cried or made a noise about his door, he would bounce out in a great passion, with his hands full of papers, and say something about "deranging his ideas," which made my wife be- lieve sometimes that he was not altogether compos. Indeed there was more than one reason to make her think so, for his room was always covered with scraps of paper and old mouldy books, laying about at sixes and sevens, which he would never let any body touch; for he said he had laid them all away in their proper places, so that he might know where to find them; though for that matter, he was half his time worrying about the house in seach of some book or writing which he had carefully put out of the way. I shall never forget what a pother he once made, because my wife cleaned out his room when his back was turned, and put every thing to rights; for he swore he should never be able to get his papers in order again in a twelvemonth -- Upon this my wife ventured to ask him what he did with so many books and papers, and he told her that he was "seeking for immortality," which made her think more than ever, that the poor old gentleman's head was a little cracked.

He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his room was continually poking about town, hearing all the news and prying into every thing that was going on; this was particularly the case about election time, when he did nothing but bustle about from poll to poll, attending all ward meetings and committee rooms; though I could never find that he took part with either side of the question. On the contrary he would come home and rail at both parties with great wrath -- and plainly proved one day, to the satisfaction of my wife and three old ladies who were drinking tea with her, one of whom was as deaf as a post, that the two parties were like two rogues, each tugging at a skirt of the nation, and that in the end they would tear the very coat off of its back and expose its nakedness. Indeed he was an oracle among the neighbours, who would collect around him to hear him talk of an afternoon, as he smoaked his pipe on the bench before the door; and I really believe he would have brought over the whole neighbourhood to his own side of the question, if they could ever have found out what it was.

He was very much given to argue, or as he called it philosophize, about the most trifling matter, and to do him justice, I never knew any body that was a match for him, except it was a grave looking gentleman who called now and then to see him, and often posed him in an argument. But this is nothing surprising, as I have since found out this stranger is the city librarian, and of course must be a man of great learning; and I have my doubts, if he had not some hand in the following history.

As our lodger had heen a long time with us, and we had never received any pay, my wife began to be somewhat uneasy, and curious to find out who, and what he was. She accordingly made bold to put the question to his friend, the librarian, who re- plied in his dry way, that he was one of the Literati; which she supposed to mean some new party in politics. I scorn to push a lodger for his pay, so I let day after day pass on without dunning the old gentleman for a farthing; but my wife, who always takes these matters on herself, and is as I said a shrewd kind of a woman, at last got out of patience, and hinted, that she thought it high time "some people should have a sight of some people's money." To which the old gentleman replied, in a mighty touchy manner, that she need not make herself un- easy, for that he had a treasure there (pointing to his saddle-bags) worth her whole house put to- gether. This was the only answer we could ever get from him; and as my wife, by some of those odd ways in which women find out every thing, learnt that he was of very great connexions, being related to the Knickerbockers of Scaghtikoke, and cousin-german to the Congress-man of that name, she did not like to treat him uncivilly. What is more, she even offered, merely by way of making things easy, to let him live scot-free, if he would teach the children their letters; and to try her best and get the neighbours to send their children also; but the old gentleman took it in such dudgeon, and seemed so affronted at being taken for a school- master, that she never dared speak on the subject again.

About two month's ago, he went out of a morn- ing, with a bundle in his hand -- and has never been heard of since. All kinds of inquiries were made after him, but in vain. I wrote to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for answer, that he had not been there since the year before last, when he had a great dispute with the Congress-man about politics, and left the place in a huff, and they had neither heard nor seen any thing of him from that time to this. I must own I felt very much worried about the poor old gentleman, for I thought some- thing bad must have happened to him, that he should be missing so long, and never return to pay his bill. I therefore advertised him in the news- papers, and though my melancholy advertisement was published by several humane printers, yet I have never been able to learn any thing satisfactory about him.

My wife now said it was high time to take care of ourselves, and see if he had left any thing behind in his room, that would pay us for his board and lodging. We found nothing however, but some old books and musty writings, and his pair of saddle bags, which being opened in presence of the libra- rian, contained only a few articles of worn out clothes, and a large bundle of blotted paper. On looking over this, the librarian told us, he had no doubt it was the treasure which the old gentleman had spoken about; as it proved to be a most excel- lent and faithful HISTORY OF NEW YORK, which he advised us by all means to publish: assuring us that it would be so eagerly bought up by a discerning public, that he had no doubt it would be enough to pay our arrears ten times over. Upon this we got a very learned school-master, who teaches our children, to prepare it for the press, which he ac- cordingly has done, and has moreover, added to it a number of notes of his own; and an engraving of the city, as it was, at the time Mr. Knickerbocker writes about.

This, therefore, is a true statement of my rea- sons for having this work printed, without waiting for the consent of the author: and I here declare, that if he ever returns (though I much fear some unhappy accident has befallen him) I stand ready to account with him, like a true and honest man. Which is all at present --

  
From the public's humble servant,
Seth Handaside.
Independent Columbian Hotel,
New York.

TO THE PUBLIC.

"TO rescue from oblivion the memory of former incidents, and to render a just tribute of "renown to the many great and wonderful transactions of our Dutch progenitors, Diedrich Knickerbocker, native of the city of New York, "produces this historical essay."1 Like the great Father of History whose words I have just quoted, I treat of times long past, over which the twilight of uncertainty had already thrown its sha- dows, and the night of forgetfulness was about to descend forever. With great solicitude had I long beheld the early history of this venerable and an- cient city, gradually slipping from our grasp, trem- bling on the lips of narrative old age, and day by day dropping piece meal into the tomb. In a lit- tle while, thought I, and those venerable dutch burghers, who serve as the tottering monuments of good old times, will be gathered to their fathers; their children engrossed by the empty pleasures or insignificant transactions of the present age, will ne- glect to treasure up the recollections of the past, and posterity shall search in vain, for memorials of the days of the Patriarchs. The origin of our city will be buried in eternal oblivion, and even the names and atchievements of Wouter Van Twiller, William Kieft, and Peter Stuyvesant, be enveloped in doubt and fiction, like those of Romulus and Rhemus, of Charlemagne, King Arthur, Rinaldo, and Godfrey of Bologne.

Determined therefore, to avert if possible this threatening misfortune, I industriously sat myself to work, to gather together all the fragments of our infant history which still existed, and like my re- vered prototype Herodotus, where no written re- cords could be found, I have endeavoured to con- tinue the chain of history by well authenticated tra- ditions.

In this arduous undertaking, which has been the whole business of a long and solitary life, it is incredible the number of learned authors I have consulted; and all to but little purpose. Strange as it may seem, though such multitudes of excellent works have been written about this country, there are none extant which give any full and satisfactory account of the early history of New York, or of its three first Dutch governors. I have, however, gained much valuable and curious matter from an elaborate manuscript written in exceeding pure and classic low dutch, excepting a few errors in ortho- graphy, which was found in the archieves of the Stuyvesant family. Many legends, letters and other documents have I likewise gleaned, in my researches among the family chests and lumber garrets of our respectable dutch citizens, and I have gathered a host of well authenticated tradi- tions from divers excellent old ladies of my ac- quaintance, who requested that their names might not be mentioned. Nor must I neglect to acknow- ledge, how greatly I have been assisted by that ad- mirable and praiseworthy institution, the New York Historical Society, to which I here publicly return my sincere acknowledgements.

In the conduct of this inestimable work I have adopted no individual model, but on the con- trary have simply contented myself with combining and concentrating the excellencies of the most ap- proved ancient historians. Like Xenophon I have maintained the utmost impartiality, and the strictest adherence to truth throughout my history. I have enriched it after the manner of Sallust, with various characters of ancient worthies, drawn at full length, and faithfully coloured. I have seasoned it with profound political speculations like Thucydides, sweetened it with the graces of sentiment like Ta- citus, and infused into the whole the dignity, the grandeur and magnificence of Livy.

I am aware that I shall incur the censure of nu- merous very learned and judicious critics, for in- dulging too frequently in the bold excursive manner of my favourite Herodotus. And to be candid, I have found it impossible always to resist the allure- ments of those pleasing episodes, which like flowery banks and fragrant bowers, beset the dusty road of the historian, and entice him to turn aside, and refresh himself from his wayfaring. But I trust it will be found, that I have always resumed my staff, and addressed myself to my weary journey with re- novated spirits, so that both my readers and myself, have been benefited by the relaxation.

Indeed, though it has been my constant wish and uniform endeavour, to rival Polybius himself, in observing the requisite unity of History, yet the loose and unconnected manner in which many of the facts herein recorded have come to hand, ren- dered such an attempt extremely difficult. This difficulty was likewise increased, by one of the grand objects contemplated in my work, which was to trace the rise of sundry customs and institutions in this best of cities, and to compare them when in the germ of infancy, with what they are in the present old age of knowledge and improvement.

But the chief merit upon which I value myself, and found my hopes for future regard, is that faith- ful veracity with which I have compiled this in- valuable little work; carefully winnowing away all the chaff of hypothesis, and discarding the tares of fable, which are too apt to spring up and choke the seeds of truth and wholesome knowledge -- Had I been anxious to captivate the superficial throng, who skim like swallows over the surface of litera- ture; or had I been anxious to commend my writ- ings to the pampered palates of literary voluptuaries, I might have availed myself of the obscurity that hangs about the infant years of our city, to intro- duce a thousand pleasing fictions. But I have scru- pulously discarded many a pithy tale and marvel- lous adventure, whereby the drowsy ear of summer indolence might be enthralled; jealously maintain- ing that fidelity, gravity and dignity, which should ever distinguish the historian. "For a writer of this class," observes an elegant critic, "must sus- tain the character of a wise man, writing for the instruction of posterity; one who has studied to in- form himself well, who has pondered his subject with care, and addresses himself to our judgment, rather than to our imagination."

Thrice happy therefore, is this our renowned city, in having incidents worthy of swelling the theme of history; and doubly thrice happy is it in having such an historian as myself, to relate them. For after all, gentle reader, cities of themselves, and in fact empires of themselves, are nothing without an historian. It is the patient narrator who cheer- fully records their prosperity as they rise -- who blazons forth the splendour of their noontide me- ridian -- who props their feeble memorials as they totter to decay -- who gathers together their scatter- ed fragments as they rot -- and who piously at length collects their ashes into the mausoleum of his work, and rears a triumphal monument, to transmit their renown to all succeeding time.

"What," (in the language of Diodorus Siculus) "What has become of Babylon, of Nineveh, of Palmyra, of Persepolis, of Byzantium, of Agri- gentum, of Cyzicum and Mytilene?" They have disappeared from the face of the earth -- they have perished for want of an historian! The philan- thropist may weep over their desolation -- the poet may wander amid their mouldering arches and broken columns, and indulge the visionary flights of his fancy -- but alas! alas! the modern historian, whose faithful pen, like my own, is doomed irrevo- cably to confine itself to dull matter of fact, seeks in vain among their oblivious remains, for some memorial that may tell the instructive tale, of their glory and their ruin.

"Wars, conflagrations, deluges (says Aristotle) destroy nations, and with them all their monuments, their discoveries and their vanities -- The torch of science has more than once been extinguished and rekindled -- a few individuals who have escaped by accident, reunite the thread of generations." Thus then the historian is the patron of man- kind, the guardian priest, who keeps the perpetual lamp of ages unextinguished -- Nor is he without his reward. Every thing in a manner is tributary to his renown -- Like the great projector of inland lock navigation, who asserted that rivers, lakes and oceans were only formed to feed canals; so I affirm that cities, empires, plots, conspiracies, wars, ha- vock and desolation, are ordained by providence only as food for the historian. They form but the pedestal on which he intrepidly mounts to the view of surrounding generations, and claims to himself, from ages as they rise, until the latest sigh of old time himself, the meed of immortality -- The world -- the world, is nothing without the historian!

The same sad misfortune which has happened to so many ancient cities, will happen again, and from the same sad cause, to nine-tenths of those cities which now flourish on the face of the globe. With most of them the time for recording their history is gone by; their origin, their very founda- tion, together with the early stages of their settle- ment, are forever buried in the rubbish of years; and the same would have been the case with this fair portion of the earth, the history of which I have here given, if I had not snatched it from ob- scurity, in the very nick of time, at the moment that those matters herein recorded, were about en- tering into the wide-spread, insatiable maw of ob- livion -- if I had not dragged them out, in a manner, by the very locks, just as the monster's adamantine fangs, were closing upon them forever! And here have I, as before observed, carefully collected, col- lated and arranged them; scrip and scrap, "punt en punt, gat en gat," and commenced in this little work, a history which may serve as a foundation, on which a host of worthies shall hereafter raise a noble superstructure, swelling in process of time, until Knickerbocker's New York shall be equally vo- luminous, with Gibbon's Rome, or Hume and Smol- let's England!

And now indulge me for a moment, while I lay down my pen, skip to some little eminence at the distance of two or three hundred years a head; and casting back a birds eye glance, over the waste of years that is to roll between; discover myself -- little I -- at this moment the progenitor, prototype and precursor of them all, posted at the head of this host of literary worthies, with my book under my arm, and New York on my back, pressing forward like a gallant commander, to honour and immortality.

Here then I cut my bark adrift, and launch it forth to float upon the waters. And oh! ye mighty Whales, ye Grampuses and Sharks of criticism, who delight in shipwrecking unfortunate adven- turers upon the sea of letters, have mercy upon this my crazy vessel. Ye may toss it about in your sport; or spout your dirty water upon it in showers; but do not, for the sake of the unlucky mariner within -- do not stave it with your tails and send it to the bottom. And you, oh ye great little fish! ye tadpoles, ye sprats, ye minnows, ye chubbs, ye grubs, ye barnacles, and all you small fry of litera- ture, be cautious how you insult my new launched vessel, or swim within my view; lest in a moment of mingled sportiveness and scorn, I sweep you up in a scoop net, and roast half a hundred of you for my breakfast.

[1] Belce's Herodotus.

BOOK I. Being, like all introductions to American histories, very learned, sagacious, and nothing at all to the purpose; containing divers profound theories and philosophic speculations, which the idle reader may totally overlook, and begin at the next book.

CHAP. I.

In which the Author ventures a Description of the World, from the best Authorities.

THE world in which we dwell is a huge, opake, reflecting, inanimate mass, floating in the vast ethe- rial ocean of infinite space. It has the form of an orange, being an oblate spheroid, curiously flattened at opposite parts, for the insertion of two imaginary poles, which are supposed to penetrate and unite at the centre; thus forming an axis on which the migh- ty orange turns with a regular diurnal revolution.

The transitions of light and darkness, whence proceed the alternations of day and night, are pro- duced by this diurnal revolution, successively pre- senting the different parts of the earth to the rays of the sun. The latter is, according to the best, that is to say, the latest, accounts, a luminous or fiery body, of a prodigious magnitude, from which this world is driven by a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which it is drawn by a centripetal or attrac- tive force; otherwise termed the attraction of gra- vitation; the combination, or rather the counterac- tion of these two opposing impulses producing a cir- cular and annual revolution. Hence result the vicis- situdes of the seasons, viz. spring, summer, autumn, and winter.

I am fully aware, that I expose myself to the cavillings of sundry dead philosophers, by adopting the above theory. Some will entrench themselves behind the ancient opinion, that the earth is an ex- tended plain, supported by vast pillars; others, that it rests on the head of a snake, or the back of a huge tortoise; and others, that it is an immense flat pan- cake, and rests upon whatever it pleases God -- for- merly a pious Catholic opinion, and sanctioned by a formidable bull, dispatched from the vatican by a most holy and infallible pontiff. Others will attack my whole theory, by declaring with the Brahmins, that the heavens rest upon the earth, and that the sun and moon swim therein like fishes in the water, moving from east to west by day, and gliding back along the edge of the horizon to their original sta tions during the night time.2 While others will maintain, with the Pauranicas of India, that is a vast plain, encircled by seven oceans of milk, nectar and other delicious liquids; that it is studded with seven mountains, and ornamented in the centre by a moun- tainous rock of burnished gold; and that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, which accounts for the phenomena of lunar eclipses.

I am confident also, I shall meet with equal op- position to my account of the sun; certain ancient philosophers having affirmed that it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire,� others that it is merely a mirror or sphere of transparent chrystal; and a third class, at the head of whom stands Anaxagoras, having maintained, that it is nothing but a huge ignited rock or stone, an opinion which the good people of Athens have kindly saved me the trouble of con- futing, by turning the philosopher neck and heels out of their city. Another set of philosophers, who delight in variety, declare, that certain fiery particles exhale constantly from the earth, which concentrat- ing in a single point of the firmament by day, con stitute the sun, but being scattered, and rambling about in the dark at night, collect in various points and form stars. These are regularly burnt out and extinguished, like the lamps in our streets, and re- quire a fresh supply of exhalations for the next oc- casion.3

It is even recorded that at certain remote and ob- scure periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel, (probably during a severe winter) the sun has been completely burnt out, and not rekindled for a whole month. A most melancholy occurrence, the very idea of which gave vast concern to Heraclitus, the celebrated weeping Philosopher, who was a great stickler for this doctrine. Beside these pro- found speculations, others may expect me to advo- cate the opinion of Herschel, that the sun is a most magnificent, habitable abode; the light it fur- nishes, arising from certain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric clouds, swimming in its transparent at- mosphere. But to save dispute and altercation with my readers -- who I already perceive, are a cap- tious, discontented crew, and likely to give me a world of trouble -- I now, once for all, wash my hands of all and every of these theories, declining entirely and unequivocally, any investigation of their merits. The subject of the present chapter is merely the Island, on which is built the goodly city of New York, -- a very honest and substantial Is- land, which I do not expect to find in the sun, or moon; as I am no land speculator, but a plain mat- ter of fact historian. I therefore renounce all luna- tic, or solaric excursions, and confine myself to the limits of this terrene or earthly globe; somewhere on the surface of which I pledge my credit as a his- torian -- (which heaven and my landlord know is all the credit I possess) to detect and demonstrate the existence of this illustrious island to the conviction of all reasonable people.

Proceeding on this discreet and considerate plan, I rest satisfied with having advanced the most approved and fashionable opinion on the form of this earth and its movements; and I freely submit it to the cavilling of any Philo, dead or alive, who may choose to dispute its correctness. I must here in- treat my unlearned readers (in which class I hum- bly presume to include nine tenths of those who shall pore over these instructive pages) not to be discouraged when they encounter a passage above their comprehension; for as I shall admit nothing into my work that is not pertinent and absolutely es- sential to its well being, so likewise I shall advance no theory or hypothesis, that shall not be elucidat- ed to the comprehension of the dullest intellect. I am not one of those churlish authors, who do so enwrap their works in the mystic fogs of scientific jargon, that a man must be as wise as themselves to understand their writings; on the contrary, my pages, though abounding with sound wisdom and profound erudition, shall be written with such plea- sant and urbane perspicuity, that there shall not even be found a country justice, an outward alder- man, or a member of congress, provided he can read with tolerable fluency, but shall both understand and profit by my labours. I shall therefore, proceed forthwith to illustrate by experiment, the com- plexity of motion just ascribed to this our rotatory planet.

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead as the name may be rendered into English) was long celebrated in the college of New York, for most profound gravity of deportment, and his talent at going to sleep in the midst of examinations; to the infinite relief of his hopeful students, who thereby worked their way through college with great ease and little study. In the course of one of his lec- tures, the learned professor, seizing a bucket of water swung it round his head at arms length; the impulse with which he threw the vessel from him, being a centrifugal force, the retention of his arm operating as a centripetal power, and the bucket, which was a substitute for the earth, describing a circular orbit round about the globular head and ruby visage of Professor Von Poddingcoft, which formed no bad representation of the sun. All of these particulars were duly explained to the class of gaping students around him. He apprised them moreover, that the same principle of gravitation, which retained the water in the bucket, restrains the ocean from flying from the earth in its rapid revo- lutions; and he further informed them that should the motion of the earth be suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall into the sun, through the centripetal force of gravitation; a most ruinous event to this planet, and one which would also ob- scure, though it most probably would not extinguish the solar luminary. An unlucky stripling, one of those vagrant geniuses, who seem sent into the world merely to annoy worthy men of the pudding- head order, desirous of ascertaining the correctness of the experiment, suddenly arrested the arm of the professor, just at the moment that the bucket was in its zenith, which immediately descended with astonishing precision, upon the philosophic head of the instructor of youth. A hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss attended the contact, but the theory was in the amplest manner illustrated, for the un- fortunate bucket perished in the conflict, but the blazing countenance of Professor Von Poddingcoft, emerged from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer than ever with unutterable indignation -- whereby the students were marvellously edified, and departed considerably wiser than before.

It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly perplexes many a pains taking philosopher, that nature often refuses to second his most profound and elaborate efforts; so that often after having in- vented one of the most ingenious and natural theories imaginable, she will have the perverseness to act directly in the teeth of his system, and flatly con- tradict his most favourite positions. This is a manifest and unmerited grievance, since it throws the censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the philosopher; whereas the fault is not to be ascribed to his theory, which is unquestionably correct, but to the waywardness of dame nature, who with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is con- tinually indulging in coquetries and caprices, and seems really to take pleasure in violating all philo- sophic rules, and jilting the most learned and inde- fatigable of her adorers. Thus it happened with respect to the foregoing satisfactory explanation of the motion of our planet; it appears that the cen- trifugal force has long since ceased to operate, while its antagonist remains in undiminished potency: the world therefore, according to the theory as it originally stood, ought in strict propriety to tumble into the sun -- Philosophers were convinced that it would do so, and awaited in anxious impatience, the fulfilment of their prognostications. But the untoward planet, pertinaciously continued her course, notwithstanding that she had reason, phi- losophy, and a whole university of learned professors opposed to her conduct. The philo's were all at a non plus, and it is apprehended they would never have fairly recovered from the slight and affront which they conceived offered to them by the world, had not a good natured professor kindly officiated as mediator between the parties, and effected a re- conciliation.

Finding the world would not accomodate itself to the theory, he wisely determined to ac- comodate the theory to the world: he therefore informed his brother philosophers, that the circular motion of the earth round the sun was no sooner engendered by the conflicting impulses above des- cribed, than it became a regular revolution, inde- pendent of the causes which gave it origin -- in short, that madam earth having once taken it into her head to whirl round, like a young lady of spirit in a high dutch waltz, the duivel himself could not stop her. The whole board of professors of the university of Leyden joined in the opinion, being heartily glad of any explanation that would decently extricate them from their embarrassment -- and im- mediately decreed the penalty of expulsion against all who should presume to question its correctness: the philosophers of all other nations gave an un- qualified assent, and ever since that memorable era the world has been left to take her own course, and to revolve around the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper.

[2] Faria y Souza. Mick. Lus. Note B, 7.

� Plut. de Plac. Philos. lib. ii, cap.20.

Achill. Tat. Isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii, p. 81. Stob. Eclog. Phys. lib. i, p. 56. Plut. de plac. p. p.

Diog. Laert. in Anaxag. I. ii, sec. 8. Plat. Apol. t i, p. 26. Plut. de Superst. t. ii, p. 269. Xenoph. Mem. l. iv, p. 815.

[3] Aristot. Meteor. l. ii, c. 2. Idem. Probl. sec. 15. Stob. Ecl. Phys. l. i, p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil. t. i, p. 1154, et alii.

Philos. Journ. 1. p. 13.

CHAP. II.

Cosmogony or Creation of the World. With a mul- titude of excellent Theories, by which the Crea- tion of a World is shewn to be no such difficult Matter as common Folks would imagine.

Having thus briefly introduced my reader to the world, and given him some idea of its form and si- tuation, he will naturally be curious to know from whence it came, and how it was created. And in- deed these are points absolutely essential to be cleared up, in as much as if this world had not been formed, it is more than probable, nay I may venture to assume it as a maxim or postulate at least, that this renowned island on which is situated the city of New York, would never have had an existence. The regular course of my history there- fore, requires that I should proceed to notice the cosmogony or formation of this our globe.

And now I give my readers fair warning, that I am about to plunge for a chapter or two, into as complete a labyrinth as ever historian was perplex- ed withal; therefore I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts, and keep close at my heels, ven- turing neither to the right hand nor to the left, least they get bemired in a slough of unintelligible learning, or have their brains knocked out, by some of those hard Greek names which will be flying about in all directions. But should any of them be too indolent or chicken-hearted to accompany me in this perilous undertaking, they had better take a short cut round, and wait for me at the be- ginning of some smoother chapter.

Of the creation of the world, we have a thou- sand contradictory accounts; and though a very satisfactory one is furnished us by divine revelation, yet every philosopher feels himself in honour bound, to furnish us with a better. As an impartial his- torian, I consider it my duty to notice their several theories, by which mankind have been so exceed- ingly edified and instructed.

Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that the earth and the whole system of the universe, was the deity himself;4 a doctrine most strenuous- ly maintained by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by Strato and the sect of peri- patetic or vagabondizing philosophers. Pythagoras likewise inculcated the famous numerical system of the monad, dyad and triad, and by means of his sacred quaternary elucidated the formation of the world, the arcana of nature and the principles both of music and morals. Other sages adhered to the mathematical system of squares and triangles; the cube, the pyramid and the sphere; the tetrahe- dron, the octahedron, the icosahedron and the do- decahedron.5 While others advocated the great elementary theory, which refers the construction of our globe and all that it contains, to the combina- tions of four material elements, air, earth, fire and water; with the assistance of a fifth, an immate- rial and vivifying principle; by which I presume the worthy theorist meant to allude to that vivifying spirit contained in gin, brandy, and other potent li- quors, and which has such miraculous effects, not only on the ordinary operations of nature, but like- wise on the creative brains of certain philosophers.

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic system taught by old Moschus before the siege of Troy; revived by Democritus of laughing memory; improved by Epicurus that king of good fellows, and modernised by the fanciful Descartes. But I decline enquiring, whether the atoms, of which the earth is said to be composed, are eternal or recent; whether they are animate or inanimate; whether, agreeably to the opinion of the Atheists, they were fortuitously aggregated, or as the Theists maintain, were arranged by a supreme intelligence. Whe- ther in fact the earth is an insensate clod, or whe ther it is animated by a soul;6 which opinion was strenuously maintained by a host of philosophers, at the head of whom stands the great Plato, that temperate sage, who threw the cold water of philo- sophy on the form of sexual intercourse, and in- culcated the doctrine of Platonic affection, or the art of making love without making children. -- An exquisitely refined intercourse, but much better adapted to the ideal inhabitants of his imaginary island of Atlantis, than to the sturdy race, composed of rebellious flesh and blood, who populate the lit- tle matter of fact island which we inhabit.

Besides these systems, we have moreover the poetical theogeny of old Hesiod, who generated the whole Universe in the regular mode of procreation, and the plausible opinion of others, that the earth was hatched from the great egg of night, which floated in chaos, and was cracked by the horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last doctrine, Bishop Burnet in his Theory of the Earth, has favoured us with an accurate drawing and descrip- tion, both of the form and texture of this mundane egg; which is found to bear a miraculous resem- blance to that of a goose! Such of my readers as take a proper interest in the origin of this our planet, will be pleased to learn, that the most profound sages of antiquity, among the Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks and Latins, have alternately as- sisted at the hatching of this strange bird, and that their cacklings have been caught, and continued in different tones and inflections, from philosopher to philosopher, unto the present day.

But while briefly noticing long celebrated sys- tems of ancient sages, let me not pass over with neglect, those of other philosophers; which though less universal and renowned, have equal claims to attention, and equal chance for correctness. Thus it is recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages of their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo trans- forming himself into a great boar, plunged into the watery abyss, and brought up the earth on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty tortoise, and a mighty snake; and Bistnoo placed the snake erect upon the back of the tortoise, and he placed the earth upon the head of the snake.7

The negro philosophers of Congo affirm, that the world was made by the hands of angels, ex- cepting their own country, which the Supreme Be- ing constructed himself, that it might be supremely excellent. And he took great pains with the inha- bitants, and made them very black, and beautiful: and when he had finished the first man, he was well pleased with him, and smoothed him over the face, and hence his nose and the nose of all his descend- ants became flat.

The Mohawk Philosophers tell us that a preg- nant woman fell down from heaven, and that a tor- toise took her upon its back, because every place was covered with water; and that the woman sit- ting upon the tortoise paddled with her hands in the water, and raked up the earth, whence it finally happened that the earth became higher than the water.8

Beside these and many other equally sage opi- nions, we have likewise the profound conjectures of Aboul-Hassan-Aly, son of Al Khan, son of Aly, son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah, son of Ma- soud-el-Hadheli, who is commonly called Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbeddin, but who takes the hum- ble title of Laheb-ar-rasoul, which means the com- panion of the ambassador of God. He has written an universal history entitled "Mouroudge-ed-dhah- rab, or the golden meadows and the mines of preci- ous stones." In this valuable work he has related the history of the world, from the creation down to the moment of writing; which was, under the Kha- liphat of Mothi Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el- aoual of the 336th year of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Medina constituting the head, Persia and India the right wing, the land of Gog the left wing, and Africa the tail. He informs us moreover, than an earth has existed before the pre- sent, (which he considers as a mere chicken of 7000 years) that it has undergone divers deluges, and that, according to the opinion of some well inform- ed Brahmins of his acquaintance, it will be renova- ted every seventy thousandth hazarouam; each hazarouam consisting of 12,000 years.

But I forbear to quote a host more of these an- cient and outlandish philosophers, whose deplorable ignorance, in despite of all their erudition, compelled them to write in languages which but few of my readers can understand; and I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more intelligible and fashionable theories of their modern successors.

And first I shall mention the great Buffon, who conjectures that this globe was originally a globe of liquid fire, scintillated from the body of the sun, by the percussion of a comet, as a spark is generat- ed by the collision of flint and steel. That at first it was surrounded by gross vapours, which cooling and condensing in process of time, constituted, ac- cording to their densities, earth, water and air; which gradually arranged themselves, according to their respective gravities, round the burning or vitri- fied mass, that formed their centre,

Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at first were universally paramount; and he terri- fies himself with the idea that the earth must be eventually washed away, by the force of rain, rivers and mountain torrents, untill it is confounded with the ocean, or in other words, absolutely dissolves into itself. -- Sublime idea! far surpassing that of the tender-hearted damsel of antiquity who wept her- self into a fountain; or the good dame of Narbonne in France, who for a volubility of tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed to peel five hundred thou- sand and thirty-nine ropes of onions, and actually ran out at her eyes, before half the hideous task was accomplished.

Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled Ditton in his researches after the longitude, (for which the mischief-loving Swift discharged on their heads a stanza as fragrant as an Edinburgh nosegay) has distinguished himself by a very ad- mirable theory respecting the earth. He conjec- tures that it was originally a chaotic comet, which being selected for the abode of man, was removed from its excentric orbit, and whirled round the sun in its present regular motion; by which change of direction, order succeeded to confusion in the ar- rangement of its component parts. The philoso- pher adds, that the deluge was produced by an un courteous salute from the watery tail of another comet; doubtless through sheer envy of its improved condition; thus furnishing a melancholy proof that jealousy may prevail, even among the heavenly bodies, and discord interrupt that celestial harmony of the spheres, so melodiously sung by the poets.

But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among which are those of Burnet, and Woodward, and Whitehurst; regretting extremely that my time will not suffer me to give them the notice they de- serve -- And shall conclude with that of the re- nowed Dr. Darwin, which I have reserved to the last for the sake of going off with a report. This learned Theban, who is as much distinguished for rhyme as reason, and for good natured credulity as serious research, and who has recommended himself wonderfully to the good graces of the ladies, by letting them into all the gallantries, amours, de- baucheries, and other topics of scandal of the court of Flora; has fallen upon a theory worthy of his combustible imagination. According to his opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sudden occasion to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and in that act exploded the sun -- which in its flight by a similar ex- plosion expelled the earth -- which in like guise ex- ploded the moon -- and thus by a concatenation of explosions, the whole solar system was produced, and set most systematically in motion!9

By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every one of which, if thoroughly examined, will be found surprisingly consistent in all its parts; my unlearned readers will perhaps be led to conclude, that the creation of a world is not so difficult a task as they at first imagined. I have shewn at least a score of ingenious methods in which a world could be constructed; and I have no doubt, that had any of the Philo's above quoted, the use of a good manageable comet, and the philosophical ware-house chaos at his command, he would engage, by the aid of philosophy to manufacture a planet as good, or if you would take his word for it, better than this we inhabit.

And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Providence, in creating comets for the great re- lief of bewildered philosophers. By their assistance more sudden evolutions and transitions are affected in the system of nature, than are wrought in a pan- tomimic exhibition, by the wonder-working sword of Harlequin. Should one of our modern sages, in his theoretical flights among the stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds, and in danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and absurdity, he has but to seize a comet by the beard, mount astride of its tail, and away he gallops in triumph, like an enchan- ter on his hyppogriff, or a Connecticut witch on her broomstick, "to sweep the cobwebs out of the sky."

It is an old and vulgar saying, about a "beggar on horse back," which I would not for the world have applied to our most reverend philosophers; but I must confess, that some of them, when they are mounted on one of these fiery steeds, are as wild in their curvettings as was Phæton of yore, when he aspired to manage the chariot of Phoebus. One drives his comet at full speed against the sun, and knocks the world out of him with the mighty concussion; another more moderate, makes his comet a kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a regular supply of food and faggots -- a third, of more combustible disposition, threatens to throw his comet, like a bombshell into the world, and blow it up like a powder magazine; while a fourth, with no great delicacy to this respectable planet, and its inhabitants, insinuates that some day or other, his comet -- my modest pen blushes while I write it -- shall absolutely turn tail upon our world and deluge it with water! -- Surely as I have already observed, comets were bountifully provided by Providence for the benefit of philosophers, to assist them in manufacturing theories.

When a man once doffs the straight waistcoat of common sense, and trusts merely to his imagin- ation, it is astonishing how rapidly he gets forward. Plodding souls, like myself, who jog along on the two legs nature has given them, are sadly put to it to clamber over the rocks and hills, to toil through the mud and mire, and to remove the continual ob- structions, that abound in the path of science. But your adventurous philosopher launches his theory like a balloon, and having inflated it with the smoke and vapours of his own heated imagination, mounts it in triumph, and soars away to his congenial re- gions in the moon. Every age has furnished its quota of these adventurers in the realms of fancy, who voyage among the clouds for a season and are stared at and admired, until some envious rival as- sails their air blown pageant, shatters its crazy texture, lets out the smoke, and tumbles the adven- turer and his theory into the mud. Thus one race of philosophers demolish the works of their predecessors, and elevate more splendid fantasies in their stead, which in their turn are demolished and replaced by the air castles of a succeeding generation. Such are the grave eccentricities of genius, and the mighty soap bubbles, with which the grown up children of science amuse themselves -- while the honest vulgar, stand gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these fantastic vagaries with the name of wisdom! -- surely old Socrates was right in his opinion that philosophers are but a soberer sort of madmen, busying themselves in things which are totally incomprehensible, or which, if they could be comprehended, would be found not worth the trouble of discovery.

And now, having adduced several of the most important theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my readers at full liberty to choose among them. They are all the serious speculations of learned men -- all differ essentially from each other -- and all have the same title to belief. For my part, (as I hate an embarrassment of choice) until the learned have come to an agreement among themselves, I shall content myself with the account handed us down by the good old Moses; in which I do but follow the example of our ingenious neigh- bours of Connecticut; who at their first settlement proclaimed, that the colony should be governed by the laws of God -- until they had time to make bet- ter.

One thing however appears certain -- from the unanimous authority of the before quoted philoso- phers, supported by the evidence of our own sen- ses, (which, though very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously admitted as additional testimony) it ap- pears I say, and I make the assertion deliberately, without fear of contradiction, that this globe really was created, and that it is composed of land and water. It further appears that it is curiously divided and parcelled out into continents and islands, among which I boldly declare the renowned Island of New York, will be found, by any one who seeks for it in its proper place.

Thus it will be perceived, that like an experien- ced historian I confine myself to such points as are absolutely essential to my subject -- building up my work, after the manner of the able architect who erected our theatre; beginning with the foundation, then the body, then the roof, and at last perching our snug little island like the little cupola on the top. Having dropt upon this simile by chance I shall make a moment's further use of it, to illustrate the correctness of my plan. Had not the founda- tion, the body, and the roof of the theatre first been built, the cupola could not have had existence as a cupola -- it might have been a centry-box -- or a watchman's box -- or it might have been placed in the rear of the Manager's house and have formed -- a temple; -- but it could never have been considered a cupola. As therefore the building of the theatre was necessary to the existence of the cupola, as a cupola -- so the formation of the globe and its inter- nal construction, were first necessary to the existence of this island, as an island -- and thus the necessity and importance of this part of my history, which in a manner is no part of my history, is logically proved.

[4] Aristot. ap. Cic. lib. i, cap. 3.

mem. sur musique ancien. p. 39. Plutarch de plac. Philos. lib. i. cap. 3. et. alii.

[5] Tim. Locr. ap. Plato. t. 3. p. 90.

cap. 3. Cic de. Nat. deor. lib. i. cap. 10. Justin. Mart. orat. ad gent. p. 20.

[6] Mosheim in Cudw. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim. de anim. mund. ap. Plat. lib. 3. Mem. de l'acad. des Belles Lettr. t. 32. p. 19. et alii.

[7] Holwell. Gent. Philosophy.

[8] Johannes Megapolensis, jun. Account of Maquaas or Mo- hawk Indians. 1644.

[9] Darw. Bot. Garden. Part I, Cant. i, l. 105.

CHAP. III.

How that famous navigator, Admiral Noah, was shamefully nick-named; and how he committed an unpardonable oversight in not having four sons. With the great trouble of philosophers caused thereby, and the discovery of America.

Noah, who is the first sea-faring man we read of, begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Au- thors it is true, are not wanting, who affirm that the patriarch had a number of other children. Thus Berosus makes him father of the gigantic Titans, Methodius gives him a son called Jonithus, or Joni- cus, (who was the first inventor of Johnny cakes,) and others have mentioned a son, named Thuiscon, from whom descended the Teutons or Teutonic, or in other words, the Dutch nation.

I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of my readers, by investigating minutely the history of the great Noah. Indeed such an undertaking would be attended with more trouble than many people would imagine; for the good old patriarch seems to have been a great traveller in his day, and to have passed under a different name in every country that he visited. The Chaldeans for instance give us his story, merely altering his name into Xisuthrus -- a trivial alteration, which to an historian skilled in etymologies, will appear wholly unimpor- tant. It appears likewise, that he had exchanged his tarpawlin and quadrant among the Chaldeans, for the gorgeous insignia of royalty, and appears as a monarch in their annals. The Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osiris; the Indians as Menu; the Greek and Roman writers confound him with Ogyges, and the Theban with Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, who deservedly rank among the most extensive and authentic historians, inasmuch as they have known the world ever since some millions of years before it was created, declare that Noah was no other than Fohi, a worthy gen- tleman, descended from an ancient and respectable family of Hong merchants, that flourished in the middle ages of the empire. What gives this asser- tion some air of credibility is, that it is a fact, ad- mitted by the most enlightened literati, that Noah travelled into China, at the time of the building of the Tower of Babel (probably to improve himself in the study of languages) and the learned Dr. Shackford gives us the additional information, that the ark rested upon a mountain on the frontiers of China.

From this mass of rational conjectures and sage hypotheses, many satisfactory deductions might be drawn; but I shall content myself with the unques- tionable fact stated in the Bible, that Noah begat three sons -- Shem, Ham, and Japhet.

It may be asked by some inquisitive readers, not much conversant with the art of history writing, what have Noah and his sons to do with the subject of this work? Now though, in strict justice, I am not bound to satisfy such querulous spirits, yet as I have determined to accommodate my book to every capacity, so that it shall not only delight the learned, but likewise instruct the simple, and edify the vulgar; I shall never hesitate for a moment to explain any matter that may appear obscure.

Noah we are told by sundry very credible his- torians, becoming sole surviving heir and proprietor of the earth, in fee simple, after the deluge, like a good father portioned out his estate among his children. To Shem he gave Asia, to Ham, Africa, and to Japhet, Europe. Now it is a thousand times to be lamented that he had but three sons, for had there been a fourth, he would doubtless have inhe- rited America; which of course would have been dragged forth from its obscurity on the occasion; and thus many a hard working historian and philo- sopher, would have been spared a prodigious mass of weary conjecture, respecting the first discovery and population of this country. Noah, however, having provided for his three sons, looked in all pro- bability, upon our country as mere wild unsettled land, and said nothing about it, and to this unpar- donable taciturnity of the patriarch may we ascribe the misfortune, that America did not come into the world, as early as the other quarters of the globe.

It is true some writers have vindicated him from this misconduct towards posterity, and assert- ed that he really did discover America. Thus it was the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a French writer possessed of that ponderosity of thought, and profoundness of reflection, so peculiar to his nation, that the immediate descendants of Noah peopled this quarter of the globe, and that the old patriarch himself, who still retained a passion for the sea- faring life, superintended the transmigration. The pious and enlightened father Charlevoix, a French Jesuit, remarkable for his veracity and an aversion to the marvellous, common to all great travellers, is conclusively of the same opinion; nay, he goes still further, and decides upon the manner in which the discovery was effected, which was by sea, and under the immediate direction of the great Noah. "I have already observed, exclaims the good fa- ther in a tone of becoming indignation, that it is an arbitrary supposition that the grand children of Noah were not able to penetrate into the new world, or that they never thought of it. In effect, I can see no reason that can justify such a notion. Who can seriously believe, that Noah and his immediate descendants knew less than we do, and that the builder and pilot of the greatest ship that ever was, a ship which was formed to traverse an unbounded ocean, and had so many shoals and quicksands to guard against, should be ignorant of, or should not have communicated to his descendants the art of sailing on the ocean?" Therefore they did sail on the ocean -- therefore they sailed to America -- there- fore America was discovered by Noah!

Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so strikingly characteristic of the good father, being addressed to the faith, rather than the un- derstanding, is flatly opposed by Hans De Laet, who declares it a real and most ridiculous paradox, to suppose that Noah ever entertained the thought of discovering America; and as Hans is a Dutch writer, I am inclined to believe he must have been much better acquainted with the worthy crew of the ark than his competitors, and of course possess- ed of more accurate sources of information. It is astonishing how intimate historians daily become with the patriarchs and other great men of antiquity. As intimacy improves with time, and as the learned are particularly inquisitive and familiar in their acquaintance with the ancients, I should not be surprised, if some future writers should gravely give us a picture of men and manners as they ex- isted before the flood, far more copious and accurate than the Bible; and that, in the course of another century, the log book of old Noah should be as current among historians, as the voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned history of Robinson Crusoe.

I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge mass of additional suppositions, conjectures and probabilities respecting the first discovery of this country, with which unhappy historians over- load themselves, in their endeavours to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous world. It is painful to see these laborious wights panting and toiling, and sweating under an enormous burthen, at the very outset of their works, which on being opened, turns out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of straw. As, however, by unwearied assiduity, they seem to have established the fact, to the satisfaction of all the world, that this country has been discovered, I shall avail myself of their useful labours to be extremely brief upon this point.

I shall not therefore stop to enquire, whether America was first discovered by a wandering ves- sel of that celebrated Phoenecian fleet, which, ac- cording to Herodotus, circumnavigated Africa; or by that Carthagenian expedition, which Pliny, the naturalist, informs us, discovered the Canary Isl- ands; or whether it was settled by a temporary colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and Sene- ca. I shall neither enquire whether it was first discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius with great shrewdness advances, nor by the Norwegians in 1002, under Biorn; nor by Behem, the German navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavoured to prove to the Sçavans of the learned city of Philadelphia.

Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince Madoc in the eleventh century, who having never returned, it has since been wisely concluded that he must have gone to America, and that for a plain reason -- if he did not go there, where else could he have gone? -- a question which most Socratically shuts out all further dispute.

Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures above mentioned, with a multitude of others, equal- ly satisfactory, I shall take for granted, the vulgar opinion that America was discovered on the 12th of October, 1492, by Christovallo Colon, a Geno- ese, who has been clumsily nick-named Columbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the voy- ages and adventures of this Colon, I shall say no- thing, seeing that they are already sufficiently known. Nor shall I undertake to prove that this country should have been called Colonia, after his name, that being notoriously self evident.

Having thus happily got my readers on this side of the Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all impa- tience to enter upon the enjoyment of the land of promise, and in full expectation that I will imme- diately deliver it into their possession. But if I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of a regular bred historian. No -- no -- most curious and thrice learned readers, (for thrice learned ye are if ye have read all that goes before, and nine times learned shall ye be, if ye read all that comes after) we have yet a world of work before us. Think you the first discoverers of this fair quarter of the globe, had nothing to do but go on shore and find a country ready laid out and cultivated like a gar- den, wherein they might revel at their ease? No such thing -- they had forests to cut down, under- wood to grub up, marshes to drain, and savages to exterminate.

In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes to ex- plain, before I permit you to range at random; but these difficulties, once overcome, we shall be enabled to jog on right merrily through the rest of our history. Thus my work shall, in a manner, echo the nature of the subject, in the same manner as the sound of poetry has been found by certain shrewd critics, to echo the sense -- this being an improvement in history, which I claim the merit of having invented.

CHAP. IV.

Shewing the great toil and contention which Philo- sophers have had in peopling America. -- And how the Aborigines came to be begotten by acci- dent -- to the great satisfaction and relief of the author.

Bless us! -- what a hard life we historians have of it, who undertake to satisfy the doubts of the world! -- Here have I been toiling and moiling through three pestiferous chapters, and my readers toiling and moiling at my heels; up early and to bed late, poring over worm-eaten, obsolete, good- for-nothing books, and cultivating the acquaintance of a thousand learned authors, both ancient and modern, who, to tell the honest truth, are the stu- pidest companions in the world -- and after all, what have we got by it? -- Truly the mighty valua- ble conclusion, that this country does actually ex- ist, and has been discovered; a self-evident fact not worth a hap'worth of gingerbread. And what is worse, we seem just as far off from the city of New York now, as we were at first. Now for my- self, I would not care the value of a brass button, being used to this dull and learned company; but I feel for my unhappy readers, who seem most woefully jaded and fatigued.

Still, however, we have formidable difficulties to encounter, since it yet remains, if possible, to shew how this country was originally peopled -- a point fruitful of incredible embarrassment, to us scrupulous historians, but absolutely indispensable to our works. For unless we prove that the Abo- rigines did absolutely come from some where, it will be immediately asserted in this age of scepti- cism, that they did not come at all; and if they did not come at all, then was this country never popu- lated -- a conclusion perfectly agreeable to the rules of logic, but wholly irreconcilable to every feeling of humanity, inasmuch as it must syllogistically prove fatal to the innumerable Aborigines of this populous region.

To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from logical annihilation so many millions of fellow crea- tures, how many wings of geese have been plun- dered! what oceans of ink have been benevolently drained! and how many capacious heads of learn- ed historians have been addled and forever con- founded! I pause with reverential awe, when I contemplate the ponderous tomes in different lan- guages, with which they have endeavoured to solve this question, so important to the happiness of so- ciety, but so involved in clouds of impenetrable obscurity. Historian after historian has engaged in the endless circle of hypothetical argument, and after leading us a weary chace through octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us out at the end of his work, just as wise as we were at the beginning. It was doubtless some philosophical wild goose chace of the kind, that made the old poet Macro- bius rail in such a passion at curiosity, which he anathematizes most heartily, as "an irksome ago- nizing care, a superstitious industry about unprofit- able things, an itching humour to see what is not to be seen, and to be doing what signifies nothing when it is done."

But come my lusty readers, let us address our- selves to our task and fall vigorously to work upon the remaining rubbish that lies in our way; but I warrant, had master Hercules, in addition to his seven labours, been given as an eighth to write a genuine American history, he would have been fain to abandon the undertaking, before he got over the threshold of his work.

Of the claims of the children of Noah to the original population of this country I shall say nothing, as they have already been touched upon in my last chapter. The claimants next in cele- brity, are the decendants of Abraham. Thus Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus) when he first discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola immediately concluded, with a shrewdness that would have done honour to a philosopher, that he had found the ancient Ophir, from whence Solo- mon procured the gold for embellishing the tem- ple at Jerusalem; nay Colon even imagined that he saw the remains of furnaces of veritable Hebraic construction, employed in refining the precious ore.

So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fas- cinating extravagance, was too tempting not to be immediately snapped at by the gudgeons of learn- ing, and accordingly, there were a host of profound writers, ready to swear to its correctness, and to bring in their usual load of authorities, and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vetablus and Robertus Stephens declared nothing could be more clear -- Arius Montanus without the least hesita- tion asserts that Mexico was the true Ophir, and the Jews the early settlers of the country. While Possevin, Becan, and a host of other sagacious writers, lug in a supposed prophecy of the fourth book of Esdras, which being inserted in the mighty hypothesis, like the key stone of an arch, gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability.

Scarce however, have they completed their goodly superstructure, than in trudges a phalanx of opposite authors, with Hans de Laet the great Dutchman at their head, and at one blow, tumbles the whole fabric about their ears. Hans in fact, contradicts outright all the Israelitish claims to the first settlement of this country, attributing all those equivocal symptoms, and traces of Christianity and Judaism, which have been said to be found in di- vers provinces of the new world, to the Devil, who has always affected to counterfeit the worship of the true Deity. "A remark," says the knowing old Padre d'Acosta, "made by all good authors who have spoken of the religion of nations newly discovered, and founded besides on the authority of the fathers of the church."

Some writers again, among whom it is with great regret I am compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara, and Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Ca- naanites, being driven from the land of promise by the Jews, were seized with such a panic, that they fled without looking behind them, until stopping to take breath they found themselves safe in Ame- rica. As they brought neither their national lan- guage, manners nor features, with them, it is sup- posed they left them behind in the hurry of their flight -- I cannot give my faith to this opinion.

I pass over the supposition of the learned Gro- tius, who being both an ambassador and a Dutch- man to boot, is entitled to great respect; that North America, was peopled by a strolling com- pany of Norwegians, and that Peru was founded by a colonyfrom China -- Manco or Mungo Capac, the first Incas, being himself a Chinese. Nor shall I more than barely mention that father Kircher, ascribes the settlement of America to the Egypti- ans, Budbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to the Gauls, Juffredus Petri to a skaiting party from Friesland, Milius to the Celtæ, Marinocus the Si- cilian to the Romans, Le Compte to the Phoenici- ans, Postel to the Moors, Martyn d'Angleria to the Abyssinians, together with the sage surmise of De Laet, that England, Ireland and the Orcades may contend for that honour.

Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit to the idea that America is the fairy region of Zi- pangri, described by that dreaming traveller Marco Polo the Venetian; or that it comprizes the vision- ary island of Atlantis, described by Plato. Neither will I stop to investigate the heathenish assertion of Paracelsus, that each hemisphere of the globe was originally furnished with an Adam and Eve. Or the more flattering opinion of Dr. Romayne sup- ported by many nameless authorities, that Adam was of the Indian race -- or the startling conjecture of Buffon, Helvetius, and Darwin, so highly ho- nourable to mankind, and peculiarly complimentary to the French nation, that the whole human species are accidentally descended from a remarkable fami- ly of monkies!

This last conjecture, I must own, came upon me very suddenly and very ungraciously. I have often beheld the clown in a pantomime, while gaz- ing in stupid wonder at the extravagant gambols of a harlequin, all at once electrified by a sudden stroke of the wooden sword across his shoulders. Little did I think at such times, that it would ever fall to my lot to be treated with equal discourtesy, and that while I was quietly beholding these grave philosophers, emulating the excentric transforma- tions of the parti-coloured hero of pantomime, they would on a sudden turn upon me and my readers, and with one flourish of their conjectural wand, metamorphose us into beasts! I determined from that moment not to burn my fingers with any more of their theories, but content myself with detailing the different methods by which they transported the descendants of these ancient and respectable mon- keys, to this great field of theoretical warfare.

This was done either by migrations by land or transmigrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph D' Acosta enumerates three passages by land, first by the north of Europe, secondly by the north of Asia and thirdly by regions southward of the straits of Ma- gellan. The learned Grotius marches his Norwe- gians by a pleasant route across frozen rivers and arms of the sea, through Iceland, Greenland, Es- totiland and Naremberga. And various writers, among whom are Angleria, De Hornn and Buffon, anxious for the acommodation of these travellers, have fastened the two continents together by a strong chain of deductions -- by which means they could pass over dry shod. But should even this fail, Pinkerton, that industrious old gentleman, who compiles books and manufactures Geographies, and who erst flung away his wig and cane, frolicked like a naughty boy, and committed a thousand etourderies, among the petites filles of Paris10 -- he I say, has constructed a natural bridge of ice, from continent to continent, at the distance of four or five miles from Behring's straits -- for which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all the wander- ing aborigines who ever did, or ever will pass over it.

It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of the worthy writers above quoted, could ever com- mence his work, without immediately declaring hos- tilities against every writer who had treated of the same subject. In this particular, authors may be compared to a certain sagacious bird, which in build- ing its nest, is sure to pull to pieces the nests of all the birds in its neighbourhood. This unhappy pro- pensity tends grievously to impede the progress of sound knowledge. Theories are at best but brittle productions, and when once committed to the stream, they should take care that like the notable pots which were fellow voyagers, they do not crack each other. But this literary animosity is almost uncon- querable. Even I, who am of all men the most candid and liberal, when I sat down to write this authentic history, did all at once conceive an abso- lute, bitter and unutterable contempt, a strange and unimaginable disbelief, a wondrous and most ineffa- ble scoffing of the spirit, for the theories of the nu- merous literati, who have treated before me, of this country. I called them jolter heads, numsculls, dunderpates, dom cops, bottericks, domme jordans, and a thousand other equally indignant appellations. But when I came to consider the matter coolly and dispassionately, my opinion was altogether changed. When I beheld these sages gravely accounting for unaccountable things, and discoursing thus wisely about matters forever hidden from their eyes, like a blind man describing the glories of light, and the beauty and harmony of colours, I fell back in asto- nishment at the amazing extent of human ingenuity.

If -- cried I to myself, these learned men can weave whole systems out of nothing, what would be their productions were they furnished with substantial materials -- if they can argue and dispute thus in- geniously about subjects beyond their knowledge, what would be the profundity of their observations, did they but know what they were talking about! Should old Radamanthus, when he comes to decide upon their conduct while on earth, have the least idea of the usefulness of their labours, he will un- doubtedly class them with those notorious wise men of Gotham, who milked a bull, twisted a rope of sand, and wove a velvet purse from a sow's ear.

My chief surprise is, that among the many wri- ters I have noticed, no one has attempted to prove that this country was peopled from the moon -- or that the first inhabitants floated hither on islands of ice, as white bears cruize about the northern oceans -- or that they were conveyed here by balloons, as modern æreconauts pass from Dover to Calais -- or by witch- craft, as Simon Magus posted among the stars -- or after the manner of the renowned Scythian Abaris, who like the New England witches on full-blooded broomsticks, made most unheard of journeys on the back of a golden arrow, given him by the Hyper- borean Apollo.

But there is still one mode left by which this country could have been peopled, which I have re- served for the last, because I consider it worth all the rest, it is -- by accident! Speaking of the islands of Solomon, New Guinea, and New Holland, the pro- found father Charlevoix observes, "in fine, all these countries are peopled, and it is possible, some have been so by accident. Now if it could have happened in that manner, why might it not have been at the same time, and by the same means, with the other parts of the globe?" This ingenious mode of deducing certain conclusions from possible premises, is an im- provement in syllogistic skill, and proves the good father superior even to Archimedes, for he can turn the world without any thing to rest his lever upon. It is only surpassed by the dexterity with which the sturdy old Jesuit, in another place, demolishes the gordian knot -- "Nothing" says he, "is more easy. The inhabitants of both hemispheres are certainly the descendants of the same father. The common father of mankind, received an express order from Heaven, to people the world, and accordingly it has been peopled. To bring this about, it was necessary to overcome all difficulties in the way, and they have also been overcome!" Pious Logician! How does he put all the herd of laborious theorists to the blush, by explaining in fair words, what it has cost them volumes to prove they knew nothing about!

They have long been picking at the lock, and fretting at the latch, but the honest father at once unlocks the door by bursting it open, and when he has it once a-jar, he is at full liberty to pour in as many nations as he pleases. This proves to a de- monstration that a little piety is better than a cart- load of philosophy, and is a practical illustration of that scriptural promise -- "By faith ye shall move mountains."

From all the authorities here quoted, and a va- riety of others which I have consulted, but which are omitted through fear of fatiguing the unlearned reader -- I can only draw the following conclusions, which luckily however, are sufficient for my purpose -- First, That this part of the world has actually been peopled (Q. E. D.) to support which, we have living proofs in the numerous tribes of Indians that inha- bit it. Secondly, That it has been peopled in five hundred different ways, as proved by a cloud of au- thors, who from the positiveness of their assertions seem to have been eye witnesses to the fact -- Thirdly, That the people of this country had a va- riety of fathers, which as it may not be thought much to their credit by the common run of readers, the less we say on the subject the better. The ques- tion therefore, I trust, is forever at rest.

[10] Vide Ed. Review

CHAP. V.

In which the Author puts a mighty Question to the rout, by the assistance of the Man in the Moon -- which not only delivers thousands of people from great embarrassment, but likewise con- cludes this introductory book.

The writer of a history may, in some respects, be likened unto an adventurous knight, who having undertaken a perilous enterprize, by way of esta- blishing his fame, feels bound in honour and chi- valry, to turn back for no difficulty nor hardship, and never to shrink or quail whatever enemy he may encounter. Under this impression, I reso- lutely draw my pen and fall to, with might and main, at those doughty questions and subtle para- doxes, which, like fiery dragons and bloody giants, beset the entrance to my history, and would fain repulse me from the very threshold. And at this moment a gigantic question has started up, which I must take by the beard and utterly subdue, before I can advance another step in my historick under- taking -- but I trust this will be the last adversary I shall have to contend with, and that in the next book, I shall be enabled to conduct my readers in triumph into the body of my work.

The question which has thus suddenly arisen, is, what right had the first discoverers of America to land, and take possession of a country, without asking the consent of its inhabitants, or yielding them an adequate compensation for their territory?

My readers shall now see with astonishment, how easily I will vanquish this gigantic doubt, which has so long been the terror of adventurous writers; which has withstood so many fierce as- saults, and has given such great distress of mind to multitudes of kind-hearted folks. For, until this mighty question is totally put to rest, the worthy people of America can by no means enjoy the soil they inhabit, with clear right and title, and quiet, unsullied consciences.

The first source of right, by which property is acquired in a country, is DISCOVERY. For as all mankind have an equal right to any thing, which has never before been appropriated, so any nation, that discovers an uninhabited country, and takes possession thereof, is considered as enjoying full property, and absolute, unquestionable empire therein.11

This proposition being admitted, it follows clearly, that the Europeans who first visited Ame- rica, were the real discoverers of the same; nothing being necessary to the establishment of this fact, but simply to prove that it was totally uninhabited by man. This would at first appear to be a point of some difficulty, for it is well known, that this quarter of the world abounded with certain ani- mals, that walked erect on two feet, had something of the human countenance, uttered certain unintel- ligible sounds, very much like language, in short, had a marvellous resemblance to human beings. But the host of zealous and enlightened fathers, who accompanied the discoverers, for the purpose of promoting the kingdom of heaven, by establish- ing fat monasteries and bishopricks on earth, soon cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfaction of his holiness the pope, and of all Christian voyagers and discoverers.

They plainly proved, and as there were no In- dian writers arose on the other side, the fact was considered as fully admitted and established, that the two legged race of animals before mentioned, were mere cannibals, detestable monsters, and many of them giants -- a description of vagrants, that since the times of Gog, Magog and Goliath, have been considered as outlaws, and have received no quarter in either history, chivalry or song; indeed, even the philosopher Bacon, declared the Ameri- cans to be people proscribed by the laws of nature, inasmuch as they had a barbarous custom of sacri- ficing men, and feeding upon man's flesh.

Nor are these all the proofs of their utter bar- barism: among many other writers of discernment, the celebrated Ulloa tells us "their imbecility is so visible, that one can hardly form an idea of them different from what one has of the brutes. Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally insen- sible to disasters, and to prosperity. Though half naked, they are as contented as a monarch in his most splendid array. Fear makes no impression on them, and respect as little." -- All this is fur- thermore supported by the authority of M. Bou- guer. "It is not easy," says he, "to describe the degree of their indifference for wealth and all its advantages. One does not well know what mo- tives to propose to them when one would persuade them to any service. It is vain to offer them mo- ney, they answer that they are not hungry." And Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring us that "ambition, they have none, and are more desirous of being thought strong, than valiant. The objects of ambition with us, honour, fame, reputation, riches, posts and distinctions are unknown among them. So that this powerful spring of action, the cause of so much seeming good and real evil in the world has no power over them. In a word, these unhap- py mortals may be compared to children, in whom the developement of reason is not completed."

Now all these peculiarities, though in the un- enlightened states of Greece, they would have en- titled their possessors to immortal honour, as having reduced to practice those rigid and abste- mious maxims, the mere talking about which, ac- quired certain old Greeks the reputation of sages and philosophers; -- yet were they clearly proved in the present instance, to betoken a most abject and brutified nature, totally beneath the human character. But the benevolent fathers, who had undertaken to turn these unhappy savages into dumb beasts, by dint of argument, advanced still stronger proofs; for as certain divines of the six- teenth century, and among the rest Lullus affirm -- the Americans go naked, and have no beards! -- "They have nothing," says Lullus, "of the rea- sonable animal, except the mask." -- And even that mask was allowed to avail them but little, for it was soon found that they were of a hideous copper complexion -- and being of a copper complexion, it was all the same as if they were negroes -- and ne- groes are black, "and black" said the pious fathers, devoutly crossing themselves, "is the colour of the Devil!" Therefore so far from being able to own property, they had no right even to personal free- dom, for liberty is too radiant a deity, to inhabit such gloomy temples. All which circumstances plainly convinced the righteous followers of Cortes and Pizarro, that these miscreants had no title to the soil that they infested -- that they were a per- verse, illiterate, dumb, beardless, bare-bottomed black-seed -- mere wild beasts of the forests, and like them should either be subdued or exterminated.

From the foregoing arguments therefore, and a host of others equally conclusive, which I forbear to enumerate, it was clearly evident, that this fair quarter of the globe when first visited by Eu- ropeans, was a howling wilderness, inhabited by no- thing but wild beasts; and that the trans-atlantic visitors acquired an incontrovertable property there- in, by the right of Discovery.

This right being fully established, we now come to the next, which is the right acquired by cultivation. "The cultivation of the soil" we are told "is an obligation imposed by nature on man "kind. The whole world is appointed for the "nourishment of its inhabitants; but it would be "incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. Every "nation is then obliged by the law of nature to "cultivate the ground that has fallen to its share. "Those people like the ancient Germans and mo "dern Tartars, who having fertile countries, disdain "to cultivate the earth, and choose to live by rapine, "are wanting to themselves, and deserve to be ex "terminated as savage and pernicious beasts."12

Now it is notorious, that the savages knew no- thing of agriculture, when first discovered by the Europeans, but lived a most vagabond, disorderly, unrighteous life, -- rambling from place to place, and prodigally rioting upon the spontaneous luxuries of nature, without tasking her generosity to yield them any thing more; whereas it has been most unquestionably shewn, that heaven intended the earth should be ploughed and sown, and manured, and laid out into cities and towns and farms, and country seats, and pleasure grounds, and public gardens, all which the Indians knew nothing about -- therefore they did not improve the talents pro- vidence had bestowed on them -- therefore they were careless stewards -- therefore they had no right to the soil -- therefore they deserved to be ex- terminated.

It is true the savages might plead that they drew all the benefits from the land which their sim- ple wants required -- they found plenty of game to hunt, which together with the roots and uncultivat- ed fruits of the earth, furnished a sufficient variety for their frugal table; -- and that as heaven merely designed the earth to form the abode, and satisfy the wants of man; so long as those purposes were answered, the will of heaven was accomplished. -- But this only proves how undeserving they were of the blessings around them -- they were so much the more savages, for not having more wants; for knowledge is in some degree an increase of desires, and it is this superiority both in the number and magnitude of his desires, that distinguishes the man from the beast. Therefore the Indians, in not having more wants, were very unreasonable animals; and it was but just that they should make way for the Europeans, who had a thousand wants to their one, and therefore would turn the earth to more account, and by cultivating it, more truly fulfil the will of heaven. Besides -- Grotius and Lauterbach, and Puffendorff and Titius and a host of wise men besides, who have considered the matter properly, have determined, that the proper- ty of a country cannot be acquired by hunting, cut- ting wood, or drawing water in it -- nothing but precise demarcation of limits, and the intention of cultivation, can establish the possession. Now as the savages (probably from never having read the authors above quoted) had never complied with any of these necessary forms, it plainly follows that they had no right to the soil, but that it was completely at the disposal of the first comers, who had more knowledge and more wants than them- selves -- who would portion out the soil, with chur- lish boundaries; who would torture nature to pam- per a thousand fantastic humours and capricious appetites; and who of course were far more ra- tional animals than themselves. In entering upon a newly discovered, uncultivated country there- fore, the new comers were but taking possession of what, according to the aforesaid doctrine, was their own property -- therefore in opposing them, the savages were invading their just rights, infringing the immutable laws of nature and counteracting the will of heaven -- therefore they were guilty of im- piety, burglary and trespass on the case, -- therefore they were hardened offenders against God and man -- therefore they ought to be exterminated.

But a more irresistible right then either that I have mentioned, and one which will be the most readily admitted by my reader, provided he is blessed with bowels of charity and philanthropy, is the right acquired by civilization. All the world knows the lamentable state in which these poor sa- vages were found. Not only deficient in the com- forts of life, but what is still worse, most piteously and unfortunately blind to the miseries of their si- tuation. But no sooner did the benevolent inhabi- tants of Europe behold their sad condition than they immediately went to work to ameliorate and improve it. They introduced among them the comforts of life, consisting of rum, gin and brandy -- and it is astonish- ing to read how soon the poor savages learnt to es- timate these blessings -- they likewise made known to them a thousand remedies, by which the most inveterate diseases are alleviated and healed, and that they might comprehend the benefits and enjoy the comforts of these medicines, they previously introduced among them the diseases, which they were calculated to cure. By these and a variety of other methods was the condition of these poor sa- vages, wonderfully improved; they acquired a thousand wants, of which they had before been ig- norant, and as he has most sources of happiness, who has most wants to be gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered a much happier race of beings.

But the most important branch of civilization, and which has most strenuously been extolled, by the zealous and pious fathers of the Roman Church, is the introduction of the Christian faith. It was truly a sight that might well inspire horror, to behold these savages, stumbling among the dark mountains of paganism, and guilty of the most hor- rible ignorance of religion. It is true, they neither stole nor defrauded, they were sober, frugal, conti- nent, and faithful to their word; but though they acted right habitually, it was all in vain, unless they acted so from precept. The new comers therefore used every method, to induce them to embrace and practice the true religion -- except that of setting them the example.

But notwithstanding all these complicated la- bours for their good, such was the unparalleled ob- stinacy of these stubborn wretches, that they ungrate- fully refused, to acknowledge the strangers as their benefactors, and persisted in disbelieving the doctrines they endeavoured to inculcate; most inso- lently alledging, that from their conduct, the advo- cates of Christianity did not seem to believe in it them- selves. Was not this too much forhum an patience? -- would not one suppose, that the foreign emigrants from Europe, provoked at their incredulity and discouraged by their stiff-necked obstinacy, would forever have abandoned their shores, and consigned them to their original ignorance and misery? -- But no -- so zealous were they to effect the temporal comfort and eternal salvation of these pagan infi- dels, that they even proceeded from the milder means of persuasion, to the more painful and trou- blesome one of persecution -- Let loose among them, whole troops of fiery monks and furious blood-hounds -- purified them by fire and sword, by stake and faggot; in consequence of which in- defatigable measures, the cause of Christian love and charity were so rapidly advanced, that in a very few years, not one fifth of the number of unbelievers existed in South America, that were found there at the time of its discovery.

Nor did the other methods of civilization remain uninforced. The Indians improved daily and won- derfully by their intercourse with the whites. They took to drinking rum, and making bargains. They learned to cheat, to lie, to swear, to gamble, to quarrel, to cut each others throats, in short, to ex- cel in all the accomplishments that had originally marked the superiority of their Christian visitors. And such a surprising aptitude have they shewn for these acquirements, that there is very little doubt that in a century more, provided they survive so long, the irrisistible effects of civilization; they will equal in knowledge, refinement, knavery, and debauchery, the most enlightened, civilized and orthodox nations of Europe.

What stronger right need the European settlers advance to the country than this. Have not whole nations of uninformed savages been made acquaint- ed with a thousand imperious wants and indispen- sible comforts of which they were before wholly ignorant -- Have they not been literally hunted and smoked out of the dens and lurking places of igno- rance and infidelity, and absolutely scourged into the right path. Have not the temporal things, the vain baubles and filthy lucre of this world, which were too apt to engage their worldly and selfish thoughts, been benevolently taken from them; and have they not in lieu thereof, been taught to set their affections on things above -- And finally, to use the words of a reverend Spanish father, in a letter to his superior in Spain -- "Can any one have the "presumption to say, that these savage Pagans, "have yielded any thing more than an inconsidera "ble recompense to their benefactors; in surren "dering to them a little pitiful tract of this dirty "sublunary planet, in exchange for a glorious inhe "ritance in the kingdom of Heaven!"

Here then are three complete and undeniable sources of right established, any one of which was more than ample to establish a property in the newly discovered regions of America. Now, so it has happened in certain parts of this delightful quarter of the globe, that the right of discovery has been so strenuously asserted -- the influence of cultiva- tion so industriously extended, and the progress of salvation and civilization so zealously prosecuted, that, what with their attendant wars, persecutions, oppressions, diseases, and other partial evils that often hang on the skirts of great benefits -- the sa- vage aborigines have, some how or another, been utterly annihilated -- and this all at once brings me to a fourth right, which is worth all the others put together -- For the original claimants to the soil bring all dead and buried, and no one remaining to inherit or dispute the soil, the Spaniards as the next immediate occupants entered upon the possession, as clearly as the hang-man succeeds to the clothes of the malefactor -- and as they have Blackstone,13 and all the learned expounders of the law on their side, they may set all actions of ejectment at de- fiance -- and this last right may be entitled, the RIGHT BY EXTERMINATION, or in other words, the RIGHT BY GUNPOWDER.

But lest any scruples of conscience should re- main on this head, and to settle the question of right forever, his holiness Pope Alexander VI, issued one of those mighty bulls, which bear down reason, argument and every thing before them; by which he generously granted the newly discovered quarter of the globe, to the Spaniards and Portuguese; who, thus having law and gospel on their side, and being inflamed with great spiritual zeal, shewed the Pa- gan savages neither favour nor affection, but prose- cuted the work of discovery, colonization, civiliza- tion, and extermination, with ten times more fury than ever.

Thus were the European worthies who first dis- covered America, clearly entitled to the soil; and not only entitled to the soil, but likewise to the eternal thanks of these infidel savages, for having come so far, endured so many perils by sea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, for no other purpose under heaven but to improve their forlorn, uncivilized and heathenish condition -- for having made them acquainted with the comforts of life, such as gin, rum, brandy, and the small-pox; for having introduced among them the light of religion, and finally -- for having hurried them out of the world, to enjoy its reward!

But as argument is never so well understood by us selfish mortals, as when it comes home to our- selves, and as I am particularly anxious that this question should be put to rest forever, I will sup- pose a parallel case, by way of arousing the candid attention of my readers.

Let us suppose then, that the inhabitants of the moon, by astonishing advancement in science, and by a profound insight into that ineffable lunar phi- losophy, the mere flickerings of which, have of late years, dazzled the feeble optics, and addled the shallow brains of the good people of our globe -- let us suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the moon, by these means, had arrived at such a com- mand of their energies, such an enviable state of perfectability, as to controul the elements, and navi- gate the boundless regions of space. Let us sup- pose a roving crew of these soaring philosophers, in the course of an ærial voyage of discovery among the stars, should chance to alight upon this out- landish planet.

And here I beg my readers will not have the impertinence to smile, as is too frequently the fault of volatile readers, when perusing the grave specu- lations of philosophers. I am far from indulging in any sportive vein at present, nor is the supposi- tion I have been making so wild as many may deem it. It has long been a very serious and anxious ques- tion with me, and many a time, and oft, in the course of my overwhelming cares and contrivances for the welfare and protection of this my native planet, have I lain awake whole nights, debating in my mind whe- ther it was most probable we should first discover and civilize the moon, or the moon discover and civilize our globe. Neither would the prodigy of sailing in the air and cruising among the stars be a whit more astonishing and incomprehensible to us, than was the European mystery of navigating floating castles, through the world of waters, to the simple savages. We have already discovered the art of coasting along the ærial shores of our planet, by means of balloons, as the savages had, of venturing along their sea coasts in canoes; and the disparity between the former, and the ærial vehicles of the philosophers from the moon, might not be greater, than that, between the bark canoes of the savages, and the mighty ships of their discoverers. I might here pursue an endless chain of very curious, pro- found and unprofitable speculations; but as they would be unimportant to my subject, I abandon them to my reader, particularly if he is a philoso- pher, as matters well worthy his attentive consider- ation.

To return then to my supposition -- let us sup- pose that the aerial visitants I have mentioned, pos- sessed of vastly superior knowledge to ourselves; that is to say, possessed of superior knowledge in the art of extermination -- riding on Hypogriffs, de- fended with impenetrable armour -- armed with concentrated sun beams, and provided with vast engines, to hurl enormous moon stones: in short, let us suppose them, if our vanity will permit the supposition, as superior to us in knowledge, and consequently in power, as the Europeans were to the Indians, when they first discovered them. All this is very possible, it is only our self-sufficiency, that makes us think otherwise; and I warrant the poor savages, before they had any knowledge of the white men, armed in all the terrors of glittering steel and tremendous gun-powder, were as per- fectly convinced that they themselves, were the wisest, the most virtuous, powerful and perfect of created beings, as are, at this present moment, the lordly inhabitants of old England, the volatile popu- lace of France, or even the self-satisfied citizens of this most enlightened republick.

Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voya- gers, finding this planet to be nothing but a howling wilderness, inhabited by us, poor savages and wild beasts, shall take formal possession of it, in the name of his most gracious and philosophic excel- lency, the man in the moon. Finding however, that their numbers are incompetent to hold it in complete subjection, on account of the ferocious barbarity of its inhabitants; they shall take our worthy President, the King of England, the Empe- ror of Hayti, the mighty little Bonaparte, and the great King of Bantam, and returning to their na- tive planet, shall carry them to court, as were the Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the courts of Europe.

Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of the court requires, they shall address the puissant man in the moon, in, as near as I can conjecture, the following terms:

"Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose do- minions extend as far as eye can reach, who rideth on the Great Bear, useth the sun as a looking glass and maintaineth unrivalled controul over tides, madmen and sea-crabs. We thy liege sub- jects have just returned from a voyage of discovery, in the course of which we have landed and taken possession of that obscure little scurvy planet, which thou beholdest rolling at a distance. The five uncouth monsters, which we have brought into this august presence, were once very important chiefs among their fellow savages; for the inha- bitants of the newly discovered globe are totally destitute of the common attributes of humanity, inasmuch as they carry their heads upon their shoulders, instead of under their arms -- have two eyes instead of one -- are utterly destitute of tails, and of a variety of unseemly complexions, particu- larly of a horrible whiteness -- whereas all the in- habitants of the moon are pea green!

We have moreover found these miserable sa- vages sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance and depravity, every man shamelessly living with his own wife, and rearing his own children, instead of indulging in that community of wives, enjoined by the law of nature, as expounded by the philoso- phers of the moon. In a word they have scarcely a gleam of true philosophy among them, but are in fact, utter heretics, ignoramuses and barbarians. Taking compassion therefore on the sad condition of these sublunary wretches, we have endeavour- ed, while we remained on their planet, to introduce among them the light of reason -- and the comforts of the moon. -- We have treated them to mouthfuls of moonshine and draughts of nitrous oxyde, which they swallowed with incredible voracity, particular- ly the females; and we have likewise endeavour- ed to instil into them the precepts of lunar Philoso- phy. We have insisted upon their renouncing the contemptable shackles of religion and common sense, and adoring the profound, omnipotent, and all perfect energy, and the extatic, immutable, im- moveable perfection. But such was the unparallel- ed obstinacy of these wretched savages, that they persisted in cleaving to their wives and adhering to their religion, and absolutely set at naught the sub- lime doctrines of the moon -- nay, among other abominable heresies they even went so far as blasphemously to declare, that this ineffable planet was made of nothing more nor less than green cheese!"

At these words, the great man in the moon (be- ing a very profound philosopher) shall fall into a terrible passion, and possessing equal authority over things that do not belong to him, as did whilome his holiness the Pope, shall forthwith issue a formidable bull, -- specifying, "That -- whereas a certain crew of Lunatics have lately discovered and taken possession of that little dirty planet, called the carth -- and that whereas it is inhabited by none but a race of two legged animals, that carry their heads on their shoulders instead of under their arms; can- not talk the lunatic language; have two eyes in- stead of one; are destitute of tails, and of a horri- ble whiteness, instead of pea green -- therefore and for a variety of other excellent reasons -- they are considered incapable of possessing any property in the planet they infest, and the right and title to it are confirmed to its original discoverers. -- And fur- thermore, the colonists who are now about to depart to the aforesaid planet, are authorized and commanded to use every means to convert these infidel savages from the darkness of Chris- tianity, and make them thorough and absolute lunatics."

In consequence of this benevolent bull, our phi- losophic benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. They sieze upon our fertile territories scourge us from our rightful possessions, relieve us from our wives, and when we are unreasonable enough to complain, they will turn upon us and say -- misera- ble barbarians! ungrateful wretches! -- have we not come thousands of miles to improve your worthless planet -- have we not fed you with moon shine -- have we not intoxicated you with nitrous oxyde -- does not our moon give you light every night and have you the baseness to murmur, when we claim a pitiful return for all these benefits? But finding that we not only persist in absolute contempt to their reasoning and disbelief in their philosophy, but even go so far as daringly to defend our property, their patience shall be exhausted, and they shall resort to their superior powers of argument -- hunt us with hypogriffs, transfix us with concentrated sun-beams, demolish our cities with moonstones; until having by main force, converted us to the true faith, they shall graciously permit us to exist in the torrid deserts of Arabia, or the frozen re- gions of Lapland, there to enjoy the blessings of civilization and the charms of lunar philosophy -- in much the same manner as the reformed and en- lightened savages of this country, are kindly suf- fered to inhabit the inhospitable forests of the north, or the impenetrable wildernesses of South America.

Thus have I clearly proved, and I hope strik- ingly illustrated, the right of the early colonists to the possession of this country -- and thus is this gi- gantic question, completely knocked in the head -- so having manfully surmounted all obstacles, and subdued all opposition, what remains but that I should forthwith conduct my impatient and way- worn readers, into the renowned city, which we have so long been in a manner besieging. -- But hold, before I proceed another step, I must pause to take breath and recover from the excessive fa- tigue I have undergone, in preparing to begin this most accurate of histories. And in this I do but imitate the example of the celebrated Hans Von Dunderbottom, who took a start of three miles for the purpose of jumping over a hill, but having been himself out of breath by the time he reached the foot, sat himself quietly down for a few moments to blow, and then walked over it at his leisure. END OF BOOK I. [11] Grotius. Puffendorf, b. 4. c. 4. Vattel, b. 1. c. 18. et alii. [12] Vattel -- B.i, ch. 17. See likewise Grotius, Puffendorf, et alii. [13] Black. Com. B. II, c. i.

BOOK II. Treating of the first settlement of the province of Nieuw Nederlants.

CHAP. I.

How Master Hendrick Hudson, voyaging in search of a north-west passage discovered the fa- mous bay of New York, and likewise the great river Mohegan -- and how he was magnificently rewarded by the munificence of their High Mightinesses.

In the ever memorable year of our Lord 1609, on the five and twentieth day of March (O. S.) -- a fine Saturday morning, when jocund Phoebus, hav- ing his face newly washed, by gentle dews and spring time showers, looked from the glorious win- dows of the east, with a more than usually shining countenance -- "that worthy and irrecoverable dis- coverer, Master Henry Hudson" set sail from Hol- land in a stout vessel,14 called the Half Moon, being employed by the Dutch East India Company, to seek a north-west passage to China.

Of this celebrated voyage we have a narration still extant, written with true log-book brevity, by master Robert Juet of Lime house, mate of the ves- sel; who was appointed historian of the voyage, partly on account of his uncommon literary talents, but chiefly, as I am credibly informed, because he was a countryman and schoolfellow of the great Hudson, with whom he had often played truant and sailed chip boats, when he was a little boy. I am enabled however to supply the deficiencies of mas- ter Juet's journal, by certain documents furnished me by very respectable Dutch families, as likewise by sundry family traditions, handed down from my great great Grandfather, who accompanied the ex- pedition in the capacity of cabin boy.

From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of remark happened in the voyage; and it morti- fies me exceedingly that I have to admit so noted an expedition into my work, without making any more of it. -- Oh! that I had the advantages of that most authentic writer of yore, Apollonius Rhodius, who in his account of the famous Argonautic expe- dition, has the whole mythology at his disposal, and elevates Jason and his compeers into heroes and demigods; though all the world knows them to have been a meer gang of sheep stealers, on a marauding expedition -- or that I had the privileges of Dan Homer and Dan Virgil to enliven my narra- tion, with giants and Lystrigonians, to entertain our honest mariners with an occasional concert of syrens and mermaids, and now and then with the rare shew of honest old Neptune and his fleet of frolicksome cruisers. But alas! the good old times have long gone by, when your waggish deities would descend upon the terraqueous globe, in their own proper persons, and play their pranks, upon its wondering inhabitants. Neptune has pro- claimed an embargo in his dominions, and the sturdy tritons, like disbanded sailors, are out of em- ploy, unless old Charon has charitably taken them into his service, to sound their conchs, and ply as his ferry-men. Certain it is, no mention has been made of them by any of our modern navigators, who are not behind their ancient predecessors in tampering with the marvellous -- nor has any notice been taken of them, in that most minute and au- thentic chronicle of the seas, the New York Gazette edited by Solomon Lang. Even Castor and Pol- lux, those flaming meteors that blaze at the mast- head of tempest tost vessels, are rarely beheld in these degenerate days -- and it is but now and then, that our worthy sea captains fall in with that por- tentous phantom of the seas, that terror to all expe- rienced mariners, that shadowy spectrum of the night -- the flying Dutchman!

Suffice it then to say, the voyage was prosperous and tranquil -- the crew being a patient people, much given to slumber and vacuity, and but little troubled with the disease of thinking -- a malady of the mind, which is the sure breeder of discontent. Hudson had laid in abundance of gin and sour crout, and every man was allowed to sleep quietly at his post, unless the wind blew. True it is, some slight dis- satisfaction was shewn on two or three occasions, at certain unreasonable conduct of Commodore Hudson. Thus for instance, he forbore to shorten sail when the wind was light, and the weather serene, which was considered among the most experienced dutch seamen, as certain weather breeders, or prog- nostics, that the weather would change for the worse. He acted, moreover, in direct contradiction to that ancient and sage rule of the dutch navigators, who always took in sail at night -- put the helm a-port, and turned in -- by which precaution they had a good night's rest -- were sure of knowing where they were the next morning, and stood but little chance of running down a continent in the dark. He like- wise prohibited the seamen from wearing more than five jackets, and six pair of breeches, under pre- tence of rendering them more alert; and no man was permitted to go aloft, and hand in sails, with a pipe in his mouth, as is the invariable Dutch cus- tom, at the present day -- All these grievances, though they might ruffle for a moment, the constitu- tional tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, made but transient impression; they eat hugely, drank profusely, and slept immeasurably, and being under the especial guidance of providence, the ship was safely conducted to the coast of America; where, after sundry unimportant touchings and standings off and on, she at length, on the fourth day of Sep- tember entered that majestic bay, which at this day expands its ample bosom, before the city of New York, and which had never before been visited by any European.

True it is -- and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in a certain aprocryphal book of voyages, com- piled by one Hacluyt, is to be found a letter written to Francis the First, by one Giovanne, or John Verazzani, on which some writers are inclined to found a belief that this delightful bay had been visited nearly a century previous to the voyage of the enterprizing Hudson. Now this (albeit it has met with the countenance of certain very judicious and learned men) I hold in utter disbelief, and that for various good and substantial reasons -- First, Because on strict examination it will be found, that the description given by this Verazzani, applies about as well to the bay of New York, as it does to my night cap -- Secondly, Because that this John Verazzani, for whom I already begin to feel a most bitter enmity, is a native of Florence; and every body knows the crafty wiles of these losel Florentines, by which they filched away the laurels, from the arms of the immortal Colon, (vul- garly called Columbus) and bestowed them on their officious townsman, Amerigo Vespucci -- and I make no doubt they are equally ready to rob the illustrious Hudson, of the credit of discovering this beauteous island, adorned by the city of New York, and placing it beside their usurped discovery of South America. And thirdly, I award my decision in favour of the pretensions of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed from Holland, being truly and absolutely a Dutch enterprize -- and though all the proofs in the world were introduced on the other side, I would set them at naught as undeserving my attention. If these three reasons are not sufficient to satisfy every burgher of this ancient city -- all I can say is, they are degenerate descendants from their venerable Dutch ancestors, and totally unworthy the trouble of convincing. Thus, therefore, the title of Hendrick Hudson, to his renowned discovery is fully vindicated.

It has been traditionary in our family, that when the great navigator was first blessed with a view of this enchanting island, he was observed, for the first and only time in his life, to exhibit strong symptoms of astonishment and admiration. He is said to have turned to master Juet, and uttered these remarkable words, while he pointed towards this paradise of the new world -- "see! there!" -- and thereupon, as was always his way when he was uncommonly pleased, he did puff out such clouds of dense tobacco smoke, that in one minute the ves- sel was out of sight of land, and master Juet was fain to wait, until the winds dispersed this impene- trable fog.

It was indeed -- as my great great grandfather used to say -- though in truth I never heard him, for he died, as might be expected, before I was born. -- "It was indeed a spot, on which the eye might have revelled forever, in ever new and never ending beauties." The island of Manna-hata, spread wide before them, like some sweet vision of fancy, or some fair creation of industrious magic. Its hills of smiling green swelled gently one above another, crowned with lofty trees of luxuriant growth; some pointing their tapering foliage to- wards the clouds, which were gloriously transpa- rent; and others, loaded with a verdant burthen of clambering vines, bowing their branches to the earth, that was covered with flowers. On the gentle declivities of the hills were scattered in gay profusion, the dog wood, the sumach, and the wild briar, whose scarlet berries and white blossoms glowed brightly among the deep green of the sur- rounding foliage; and here and there, a curling column of smoke rising from the little glens that opened along the shore, seemed to promise the weary voyagers, a welcome at the hands of their fellow creatures. As they stood gazing with entranced attention on the scene before them, a red man crowned with feathers, issued from one of these glens, and after contemplating in silent wonder, the gallant ship, as she sat like a stately swan swim- ming on a silver lake, sounded the war-whoop, and bounded into the woods, like a wild deer, to the utter astonishment of the phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had never heard such a noise, or witnessed such a caper in their whole lives.

Of the transactions of our adventurers with the savages, and how the latter smoked copper pipes, and eat dried currants; how they brought great store of tobacco and oysters; how they shot one of the ship's crew, and how he was buried, I shall say nothing, being that I consider them unimportant to my history. After tarrying a few days in the bay, in order to smoke their pipes and refresh them- selves after their sea-faring, our voyagers weighed anchor, and adventurously ascended a mighty river which emptied into the bay. This river it is said was known among the savages by the name of the Shate- muck; though we are assured in an excellent little history published in 1674, by John Josselyn, Gent. that it was called the Mohegan,15 and master Richard Bloome, who wrote some time afterwards, asserts the same -- so that I very much incline in favour of the opinion of these two honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, the river is at present denominated the Hudson; and up this stream the shrewd Hen drick had very little doubt he should discover the much looked for passage to China!

The journal goes on to make mention of divers interviews between the crew and the natives, in the voyage up the river, but as they would be imperti- nent to my history, I shall pass them over in si- lence, except the following dry joke, played off by the old commodore and his school-fellow Robert Juet; which does such vast credit to their experi- mental philosophy, that I cannot refrain from in- serting it. "Our master and his mate determined to try some of the chiefe men of the countrey, whe- ther they had any treacherie in them. So they tooke them downe into the cabin and gave them so much wine and acqua vitæ that they were all mer- rie; and one of them had his wife with him, which sate so modestly, as any of our countrey women would do in a strange place. In the end, one of them was drunke, which had been aboarde of our ship all the time that we had beene there, and that was strange to them, for they could not tell how to take it."16

Having satisfied himself by this profound ex- periment, that the natives were an honest, social race of jolly roysters, who had no objection to a drinking bout, and were very merry in their cups, the old commodore chuckled hugely to himself, and thrusting a double quid of tobacco in his cheek, directed master Juet to have it carefully recorded, for the satisfaction of all the natural philosophers of the university of Leyden -- which done, he pro- ceeded on his voyage, with great self-complacency. After sailing, however, above an hundred miles up the river, he found the watery world around him, began to grow more shallow and confined, the cur- rent more rapid and perfectly fresh -- phenomena not uncommon in the ascent of rivers, but which puzzled the honest dutchmen prodigiously. A consultation of our modern Argonauts was there- fore called, and having deliberated full six hours, they were brought to a determination, by the ship's running aground -- whereupon they unanimously concluded, that there was but little chance of get- ting to China in this direction. A boat, however, was dispatched to explore higher up the river, which on its return, confirmed the opinion -- upon this the ship was warped off and put about, with great difficulty, being like most of her sex, exceed- ingly hard to govern; and the adventurous Hud- son, according to the account of my great great grandfather, returned down the river -- with a pro- digious flea in his ear!

Being satisfied that there was little likelihood of getting to China, unless like the blind man, he re- turned from whence he sat out and took a fresh start; he forthwith re-crossed the sea to Holland, where he was received with great welcome by the honourable East-India company, who were very much rejoiced to see him come back safe -- with their ship; and at a large and respectable meeting of the first merchants and burgomasters of Amster- dam, it was unanimously determined, that as a mu- nificent reward for the eminent services he had performed, and the important discovery he had made, the great river Mohegan should be called after his name! -- and it continues to be called Hud- son river unto this very day.

[14] Ogilvie calls it a frigate.

[15] This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map as Manhat- tan -- Noordt -- Montaigne and Mauritius river.

[16] Juet's Journ. Purch. Pil.

CHAP. II.

Containing an account of a mighty Ark which float- ed, under the protection of St. Nicholas, from Holland to Gibbet Island -- the descent of the strange Animals therefrom -- a great victory, and a description of the ancient village of Com- munipaw.

The delectable accounts given by the great Hudson, and Master Juet, of the country they had discovered, excited not a little talk and speculation among the good people of Holland. -- Letters patent were granted by government to an association of merchants, called the West-India company, for the exclusive trade on Hudson river, on which they erected a trading house called Fort Aurania, or Orange, at present the superb and hospitable city of Albany. But I forbear to dwell on the various commercial and colonizing enterprizes which took place; among which was that of Mynheer Adrian Block, who discovered and gave a name to Block Island, since famous for its cheese -- and shall bare- ly confine myself to that, which gave birth to this renowned city.

It was some three or four years after the return of the immortal Hendrick, that a crew of honest, well meaning, copper headed, low dutch colonists set sail from the city of Amsterdam, for the shores of America. It is an irreparable loss to history, and a great proof of the darkness of the age, and the lamentable neglect of the noble art of book- making, since so industriously cultivated by know- ing sea-captains, and spruce super-cargoes, that an expedition so interesting and important in its re- sults, should have been passed over in utter silence. To my great great grandfather am I again indebted, for the few facts, I am enabled to give concerning it -- he having once more embarked for this country, with a full determination, as he said, of ending his days here -- and of begetting a race of Knicker- bockers, that should rise to be great men in the land.

The ship in which these illustrious adventurers set sail was called the Goede Vrouw, or Good Woman, in compliment to the wife of the President of the West India Company, who was allowed by every body (except her husband) to be a singularly sweet tempered lady, when not in liquor. It was in truth a gallant vessel, of the most approved dutch construction, and made by the ablest ship carpen- ters of Amsterdam, who it is well known, always model their ships after the fair forms of their coun- try women. Accordingly it had one hundred feet in the keel, one hundred feet in the beam, and one hundred feet from the bottom of the stern post, to the tafforel. Like the beauteous model, who was declared the greatest belle in Amsterdam, it was full in the bows, with a pair of enormous cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal, a most prodigious poop!

The architect, who was somewhat of a religious man, far from decorating the ship with pagan idols, such as Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules (which hea- thenish abominations, I have no doubt, occasion the misfortunes and shipwrack of many a noble vessel) he I say, on the contrary, did laudably erect for a head, a goodly image of St. Nicholas, equipped with a low, broad brimmed hat, a huge pair of Flemish trunk hose, and a pipe that reached to the end of the bow-sprit. Thus gallantly furnished, the staunch ship floated sideways, like a majestic goose, out of the harbour of the great city of Amsterdam, and all the bells, that were not otherwise engaged, rung a triple bob-major on the joyful occasion.

My great great grandfather remarks, that the voyage was uncommonly prosperous, for being under the especial care of the ever-revered St. Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw seemed to be endowed with qua- lities, unknown to common vessels. Thus she made as much lee-way as head-way, could get along very nearly as fast with the wind a-head, as when it was a-poop -- and was particularly great in a calm; in consequence of which singular advantages, she made out to accomplish her voyage in a very few months, and came to anchor at the mouth of the Hudson, a little to the east of Gibbet Island.17

Here lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on what is at present called the Jersey shore, a small Indian village, pleasantly embowered in a grove of spread- ing elms, and the natives all collected on the beach, gazing in stupid admiration at the Goede Vrouw. A boat was immediately dispatched to enter into a treaty with them, and approaching the shore, hailed them through a trumpet, in the most friendly terms; but so horribly confounded were these poor savages at the tremendous and uncouth sound of the low dutch language, that they one and all took to their heels, scampered over the Bergen hills, nor did they stop until they had buried themselves, head and ears, in the marshes, on the other side, where they all miserably perished to a man -- and their bones being collected, and decently covered by the Tam- many Society of that day, formed that singular mound, called Rattle-snake-hill, which rises out of the centre of the salt marshes, a little to the east of the Newark Causeway.

Animated by this unlooked-for victory our valiant heroes sprang ashore in triumph, took possession of the soil as conquerors in the name of their High Mightinesses the lords states general, and march- ing fearlessly forward, carried the village of Com- munipaw by storm -- having nobody to withstand them, but some half a score of old squaws, and poppooses, whom they tortured to death with low dutch. On looking about them they were so transported with the excellencies of the place, that they had very little doubt, the blessed St. Nicholas, had guided them thither, as the very spot whereon to settle their colony. The softness of the soil was wonderfully adapted to the driving of piles; the swamps and marshes around them afforded ample opportunities for the constructing of dykes and dams; the shallowness of the shore was peculiarly favourable to the building of docks -- in a word, this spot abounded with all the singular inconveniences, and aquatic obstacles, necessary for the foundation of a great dutch city. On making a faithful re- port therefore, to the crew of the Goede Vrouw, they one and all determined that this was the des- tined end of their voyage. Accordingly they de- scended from the Goede Vrouw, men women and children, in goodly groups, as did the animals of yore from the ark, and formed themselves into a thriving settlement, which they called by the Indian name Communipaw.

-- As all the world is perfectly acquainted with Communipaw, it may seem somewhat superfluous to treat of it in the present work; but my readers will please to recollect, that notwithstanding it is my chief desire to improve the present age, yet I write likewise for posterity, and have to consult the understanding and curiosity of some half a score of centuries yet to come; by which time perhaps, were it not for this invaluable history, the great Communipaw, like Babylon, Carthage, Nineveh and other great cities, might be perfectly extinct -- sunk and forgotten in its own mud -- its inhabitants turned into oysters,18 and even its situation a fertile subject of learned controversy and hardhead- ed investigation among indefatigable historians. Let me then piously rescue from oblivion, the humble reliques of a place, which was the egg from whence was hatched the mighty city of New York!

Communipaw is at present but a small village, pleasantly situated among rural scenery, on that beauteous part of the Jersey shore which was known in ancient legends by the name of Pavonia, and commands a grand prospect of the superb bay of New York. It is within but half an hour's sail of the latter place, provided you have a fair wind, and may be distinctly seen from the city. Nay, it is a well known fact, which I can testify from my own experience, that on a clear still summer evening, you may hear, from the battery of New York, the obstreperous peals of broad-mouthed laughter of the dutch negroes at Communipaw, who, like most other negroes, are famous for their risible powers. This is peculiarly the case on Sun- day evenings; when, it is remarked by an ingenious and observant philosopher, who has made great discoveries in the neighbourhood of this city, that they always laugh loudest -- which he attributes to the circumstance of their having their holliday clothes on.

These negroes, in fact, like the monks in the dark ages, engross all the knowledge of the place, and being infinitely more adventurous and more knowing than their masters, carry on all the foreign trade; making frequent voyages to town in canoes loaded with oysters, buttermilk and cabbages. They are great astrologers, predicting the different changes of weather almost as accurately as an al- manack -- they are moreover exquisite performers on three stringed fiddles: in whistling they almost boast the farfamed powers of Orpheus his lyre, for not a horse or an ox in the place, when at the plow or in the waggon, will budge a foot until he hears the well known whistle of his black driver and companion. -- And from their amazing skill at casting up accounts upon their fingers, they are re- garded with as much veneration as were the disci- ples of Pythagoras of yore, when initiated into the sacred quaternary of numbers.

As to the honest dutch burghers of Communi- paw, like wise men, and sound philosophers, they never look beyond their pipes, nor trouble their heads about any affairs out of their immediate neighbourhood; so that they live in profound and enviable ignorance of all the troubles, anxieties and revolutions, of this distracted planet. I am even told that many among them do verily believe that Holland, of which they have heard so much from tradition, is situated somewhere on Long-Island -- that Spiking-devil and the Narrows are the two ends of the world -- that the country is still under the dominion of their high mightinesses, and that the city of New York still goes by the name of Nieuw Amsterdam. They meet every saturday after- noon, at the only tavern in the place, which bears as a sign, a square headed likeness of the prince of Orange; where they smoke a silent pipe, by way of promoting social conviviality, and invariably drink a mug of cider to the success of admiral Von Tromp, who they imagine is still sweeping the Bri- tish channel, with a broom at his mast head.

Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous little villages in the vicinity of this most beautiful of cities, which are so many strong holds and fast- nesses, whither the primitive manners of our dutch forefathers have retreated, and where they are cherished with devout and scrupulous strict- ness. The dress of the original settlers is handed down inviolate, from father to son -- the identical broad brimmed hat, broad skirted coat and broad bottomed breeches, continue from generation to generation, and several gigantic knee buckles of massy silver, are still in wear, that made such gal- lant display in the days of the patriarchs of Com- munipaw. The language likewise, continues una- dulterated by barbarous innovations; and so criti- cally correct is the village school-master in his dialect, that his reading of a low dutch psalm, has much the same effect on the nerves, as the filing of a hand saw.

[17] So called, because one Joseph Andrews, a pirate and murderer, was hanged in chains on that Island, the 23d May, 1769. Editor.

[18] "Men by inaction degenerate into Oysters." Kaimes.

CHAP. III.

In which is set forth the true art of making a bar- gain, together with a miraculous escape of a great Metropolis in a fog -- and how certain adventurers departed from Communipaw on a perilous colonizing expedition.

Having, in the trifling digression with which I concluded my last chapter, discharged the filial du- ty, which the city of New York owes to Communi- paw, as being the mother settlement; and having given a faithful picture of it as it stands at present, I return, with a soothing sentiment of self-appro- bation, to dwell upon its early history. The crew of the Goede Vrouw being soon reinforced by fresh importations from Holland, the settlement went jollily on, encreasing in magnitude and prosperity. The neighbouring Indians in a short time became accustomed to the uncouth sound of the dutch lan- guage, and an intercourse gradually took place be- tween them and the new comers. The Indians were much given to long talks, and the Dutch to long silence -- in this particular therefore, they ac- commodated each other completely. The chiefs would make long speeches about the big bull, the wabash and the great spirit, to which the others would listen very attentively, smoke their pipes and grunt yah myn-her -- whereat the poor savages were wonderously delighted. They instructed the new settlers in the best art of curing and smoking to- bacco, while the latter in return, made them drunk with true Hollands -- and then learned them the art of making bargains.

A brisk trade for furs was soon opened: the dutch traders were scrupulously honest in their dealings, and purchased by weight, establishing it as an invariable table of avoirdupoise, that the hand of a dutchman weighed one pound, and his foot two pounds. It is true, the simple Indians were often puzzled at the great disproportion between bulk and weight, for let them place a bundle of furs, never so large, in one scale, and a dutchman put his hand or foot in the other, the bundle was sure to kick the beam -- never was a package of furs known to weigh more than two pounds, in the market of Communipaw!

This is a singular fact -- but I have it direct from my great great grandfather, who had risen to considerable importance in the colony, being pro- moted to the office of weigh master, on account of the uncommon heaviness of his foot.

The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe began now to assume a very thriving appearance, and were comprehended under the general title of Nieuw Nederlandts, on account, no doubt, of their great resemblance to the Dutch Netherlands -- ex- cepting that the former were rugged and moun- tainous, and the latter level and marshy. About this time the tranquility of the dutch colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary interruption. In 1614, captain Sir Samuel Argal, sailing under a commission from Dale, governor of Virginia, visit- ed the dutch settlements on Hudson river, and de- manded their submission to the English crown and Virginian dominion. -- To this arrogant demand, as they were in no condition to resist it, they sub- mitted for the time, like discreet and reasonable men.

It does not appear that the valiant Argal mo- lested the settlement of Communipaw; on the con- trary, I am told that when his vessel first hove in sight the worthy burghers were seized with such a panic, that they fell to smoking their pipes with as- tonishing vehemence; insomuch that they quickly raised a cloud, which combining with the surround- ing woods and marshes, completely enveloped and concealed their beloved village; and overhung the fair regions of Pavonia -- So that the terrible cap- tain Argal passed on, totally unsuspicious that a sturdy little Dutch settlement lay snugly couched in the mud, under cover of all this pestilent vapour. In commemoration of this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitants have continued to smoke, almost without intermission, unto this very day; which is said to be the cause of the remarkable fog that often hangs over Communipaw of a clear afternoon.

Upon the departure of the enemy, our magna- nimous ancestors took full six months to recover their wind, having been exceedingly discomposed by the consternation and hurry of affairs. They then called a council of safety to smoke over the state of the province. After six months more of mature deliberation, during which nearly five hun- dred words were spoken, and almost as much to- bacco was smoked, as would have served a certain modern general through a whole winter's campaign of hard drinking, it was determined, to fit out an armament of canoes, and dispatch them on a voyage of discovery; to search if peradventure some more sure and formidable position might not be found, where the colony would be less subject to vexatious visitations.

This perilous enterprize was entrusted to the superintendance of Mynheers Oloffe Van Kort- landt, Abraham Hardenbroek, Jacobus Van Zandt and Weinant Ten Broek -- four indubitably great men, but of whose history, though I have made di- ligent enquiry, I can learn but little, previous to their leaving Holland. Nor need this occasion much surprize; for adventurers, like prophets, though they make great noise abroad, have seldom much celebrity in their own countries; but this much is certain, that the overflowings and off-scour- ings of a country, are invariably composed of the richest parts of the soil. And here I cannot help remarking how convenient it would be to many of our great men and great families of doubtful origin, could they have the privilege of the heroes of yore, who, whenever their origin was involv- ed in obscurity, modestly announced themselves descended from a god -- and who never visited a foreign country, but what they told some cock and bull stories, about their being kings and princes at home. This venial trespass on the truth, though it has occasionally been played off by some pseudo marquis, baronet, and other illustrious foreigner, in our land of good natured credulity, has been completely discountenanced in this sceptical, matter of fact age -- And I even question whether any ten- der virgin, who was accidentally and unaccountably enriched with a bantling, would save her character at parlour fire-sides and evening tea-parties, by as- cribing the phenomenon to a swan, a shower of gold or a river god.

Thus being totally denied the benefit of mytho- logy and classic fable, I should have been complete- ly at a loss as to the early biography of my heroes, had not a gleam of light been thrown upon their origin from their names.

By this simple means have I been enabled to gather some particulars, concerning the adventurers in question. Van Kortlandt for instance, was one of those peripatetic philosophers, who tax providence for a livelihood, and like Diogenes, enjoy a free and unincumbered estate in sunshine. He was usually arrayed in garments suitable to his fortune, being curiously fringed and fangled by the hand of time; and was helmeted with an old fragment of a hat which had acquired the shape of a sugar- loaf; and so far did he carry his contempt for the adventitious distinction of dress, that it is said, the remnant of a shirt, which covered his back, and dangled like a pocket handkerchief out of a hole in his breeches, was never washed, except by the bountiful showers of heaven. In this garb was he usually to be seen, sunning himself at noon day, with a herd of philosophers of the same sect, on the side of the great canal of Amsterdam. Like your nobility of Europe, he took his name of Kort- landt (or lack land) from his landed estate, which lay some where in Terra incognita.

Of the next of our worthies, might I have had the benefit of mythological assistance, the want of which I have just lamented -- I should have made honourable mention, as boasting equally illustrious pedigree, with the proudest hero of antiquity. His name was Van Zandt, which freely translated, signifies from the dirt, meaning, beyond a doubt, that like Triptolemus, Themis -- the Cyclops and the Titans, he sprung from dame Terra or the earth! This supposition is strongly corroborated by his size, for it is well known that all the progeny of mother earth were of a gigantic stature; and Van Zandt, we are told, was a tall raw-boned man, above six feet high -- with an astonishingly hard head. Nor is this origin of the illustrious Van Zandt a whit more improbable or repugnant to belief, than what is related and universally admitted of certain of our greatest, or rather richest men; who we are told, with the utmost gravity, did originally spring from a dung-hill!

Of the third hero, but a faint description has reached to this time, which mentions, that he was a sturdy, obstinate, burley, bustling little man; and from being usually equipped with an old pair of buck-skins, was familiarly dubbed Harden broek, or Tough Breeches.

Ten Broek completed this junto of adventurers. It is a singular but ludicrous fact, which, were I not scrupulous in recording the whole truth, I should almost be tempted to pass over in silence, as incompatible with the gravity and dignity of my history, that this worthy gentleman should likewise have been nicknamed from the most whimsical part of his dress. In fact the small clothes seems to have been a very important garment in the eyes of our venerated ancestors, owing in all probability to its really being the largest article of raiment among them. The name of Ten Broek, or Tin Broek is indifferently trans- lated into Ten Breeches and Tin Breeches -- the high dutch commentators incline to the former opinion; and ascribe it to his being the first who introduced into the settlement the ancient dutch fa- shion of wearing ten pair of breeches. But the most elegant and ingenious writers on the subject, declare in favour of Tin, or rather Thin Breeches; from whence they infer, that he was a poor, but merry rogue, whose galligaskins were none of the soundest, and who was the identical author of that truly philosophical stanza: "Then why should we quarrel for riches,

Or any such glittering toys; A light heart and thin pair of breeches,

Will go thorough the world my brave boys!"

Such was the gallant junto that fearlessly set sail at the head of a mighty armament of canoes, to explore the yet unknown country about the mouth of the Hudson -- and heaven seemed to shine pro- pitious on their undertaking.

It was that delicious season of the year, when nature, breaking from the chilling thraldom of old winter, like a blooming damsel, from the tyranny of a sordid old hunks of a father, threw herself blushing with ten thousand charms, into the arms, of youthful spring. Every tufted copse and bloom- ing grove resounded with the notes of hymeneal love; the very insects as they sipped the morning dew, that gemmed the tender grass of the meadows, lifted up their little voices to join the joyous epi- thalamium -- the virgin bud timidly put forth its blushes, and the heart of man dissolved away in tenderness. Oh sweet Theocritus! had I thy oaten reed, wherewith thou erst didst charm the gay Sicilian plains; or oh gentle Bion! thy pas- toral pipe, in which the happy swains of the Les- bian isle so much delighted; then would I attempt to sing, in soft Bucolic or negligent Idyllium, the rural beauties of the scene -- But having nothing but this jaded goose quill, wherewith to wing my flight, I must fain content myself to lay aside these poetic disportings of the fancy and pursue my faithful nar- rative in humble prose -- comforting myself with the reflection, that though it may not commend itself so sweetly to the imagination of my reader, yet will it insinuate itself with virgin modesty, to his better judgment, clothed as it is in the chaste and simple garb of truth.

In the joyous season of spring then, did these hardy adventurers depart on this eventful expedi- tion, which only wanted another Virgil to rehearse it, to equal the oft sung story of the Eneid -- Many adventures did they meet with and divers bitter mishaps did they sustain, in their wanderings from Communipaw to oyster Island -- from oyster Is- land to gibbet island, from gibbet island to governors island, and from governors island through butter- milk channel, (a second streights of Pylorus) to the Lord knows where; until they came very nigh being ship wrecked and lost forever, in the tremen dous vortexes of Hell gate,19 which for terrors, and frightful perils, might laugh old Scylla and Charybdis to utter scorn -- In all which cruize they encountered as many Lystrigonians and Cyclops and Syrens and unhappy Didos, as did ever the pious Eneas, in his colonizing voyage.

At length, after wandering to and fro, they were attracted by the transcendant charms of a vast island, which lay like a gorgeous stomacher, divi- ding the beauteous bosom of the bay, and to which the numerous mighty islands among which they had been wandering, seemed as so many foils and appendages. Hither they bent their course, and old Neptune, as if anxious to assist in the choice of a spot, whereon was to be founded a city that should serve as his strong hold in this western world, sent half a dozen potent billows, that rolled the canoes of our voyagers, high and dry on the very point of the island, where at present stands the delectable city of New York.

The original name of this beautiful island is in some dispute, and has already undergone a vitiation, which is a proof of the melancholy instability of sublunary things, and of the industrious perversions of modern orthographers. The name which is most current among the vulgar (such as members of assembly and bank directors) is Manhattan -- which is said to have originated from a custom among the squaws, in the early settlement, of wear- ing men's wool hats, as is still done among many tribes. "Hence," we are told by an old governor, somewhat of a wag, who flourished almost a cen- tury since, and had paid a visit to the wits of Phi- ladelphia -- "Hence arose the appellation of Man- hat-on, first given to the Indians, and afterwards to the island" -- a stupid joke! -- but well enough for a governor.

Among the more ancient authorities which de- serve very serious consideration, is that contained in the valuable history of the American possessions, written by master Richard Blome in 1687, where- in it is called Manhadaes, or Manahanent; nor must I forget the excellent little book of that au- thentic historian, John Josselyn, Gent. who expli- citly calls it Manadaes.

But an authority still more ancient, and still more deserving of credit, because it is sanctioned by the countenance of our venerated dutch ances- tors, is that founded on certain letters still ex- tant, which passed between the early governors, and their neighbour powers; wherein it is vari- ously called the Monhattoes, Munhatos and Manhat- toes -- an unimportant variation, occasioned by the literati of those days having a great contempt for those spelling book and dictionary researches, which form the sole study and ambition of so many learn- ed men and women of the present times. This name is said to be derived from the great Indian spirit Manetho, who was supposed to have made this island his favourite residence, on account of its uncommon delights. But the most venerable and indisputable authority extant, and one on which I place implicit confidence, because it confers a name at once melodious, poetical and significant, is that furnished by the before quoted journal of the voyage of the great Hudson, by Master Juet; who clearly and correctly calls it Manna-hata -- that is to say, the island of Manna; or in other words -- "a land flowing with milk and honey!"

[19] This is a fearful combination of rocks and whirlpools, in the sound above New York, dangerous to ships unless under the care of a skillful pilot. Certain wise men who instruct these modern days have softened this characterestic name into Hurl gate, on what authority, I leave them to explain. The name as given by our au- thor is supported by Ogilvie's History of America published 1671, as also by a journal still extant, written in the 16th century, and to be found in Hazard's state papers. The original name, as laid down in all the Dutch manuscripts and maps, was Helle gat, and an old MS. written in French, speaking of various alterations in names about this city observes "De Helle gat trou d'Enfer, ils ont fait Hell gate, Porte d'Enfer." -- Printer's Devil.

CHAP. IV.

In which are contained divers very sound reasons why a man should not write in a hurry: to- gether with the building of New Amsterdam, and the memorable dispute of Mynheers Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches thereupon.

My great grandfather, by the mother's side, Hermanus Van Clattercop, when employed to build the large stone church at Rotterdam, which stands about three hundred yards to your left, after you turn off from the Boomkeys, and which is so con- veniently constructed, that all the zealous Christians of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through a sermon there, to any other church in the city -- My great grandfather, I say, when employed to build that famous church, did in the first place send to Delft for a box of long pipes; then having purchased a new spitting box and a hundred weight of the best Virginia, he sat himself down, and did nothing for the space of three months, but smoke most labo- riously. Then did he spend full three months more in trudging on foot, and voyaging in Trek- schuit, from Rotterdam to Amsterdam -- to Delft -- to Haerlem -- to Leyden -- to the Hague, knocking his head and breaking his pipe, against every church in his road. Then did he advance gradually, nearer and nearer to Rotterdam, until he came in full sight of the identical spot, whereon the church was to be built. Then did he spend three months longer in walking round it and round it; contem- plating it, first from one point of view, and then from another -- now would he be paddled by it on the canal -- now would he peep at it through a tele- scope, from the other side of the Meuse, and now would he take a bird's eye glance at it, from the top of one of those gigantic wind mills, which protect the gates of the city. The good folks of the place were on the tiptoe of expectation and impatience -- notwithstanding all the turmoil of my great grand- father, not a symptom of the church was yet to be seen; they even began to fear it would never be brought into the world, but that its great projector would lie down, and die in labour, of the mighty plan he had conceived. At length, having occupied twelve good months in puffing and paddling, and talking and walking -- having travelled over all Hol- land, and even taken a peep into France and Ger- many -- having smoked five hundred and ninety-nine pipes, and three hundred weight of the best Virginia tobacco; my great grandfather gathered together all that knowing and industrious class of citizens, who prefer attending to any body's business sooner than their own, and having pulled off his coat and five pair of breeches, he advanced sturdily up, and laid the corner stone of the church, in the presence of the whole multitude -- just at the commencement of the thirteenth month.

In a similar manner and with the example of my worthy ancestor full before my eyes, have I proceeded in writing this most authentic history. The honest Rotterdammers no doubt thought my great grandfather was doing nothing at all to the purpose, while he was making such a world of prefatory bustle, about the building of his church -- and many of the ingenious inhabitants of this fair city, (whose intellects have been thrice stimulated and quickened, by transcendant nitrous oxyde, as were those of Chrysippus, with hellebore,) will unquestionably suppose that all the preliminary chapters, with the discovery, population and final settlement of America, were totally irrelevant and superfluous -- and that the main business, the history of New York, is not a jot more advanced, than if I had never taken up my pen. Never were wise people more mistaken in their conjectures; in con- sequence of going to work slowly and deliberately, the church came out of my grandfather's hands, one of the most sumptuous, goodly and glorious edifices in the known world -- excepting, that, like our transcendant capital at Washington, it was began on such a grand scale, the good folks could not afford to finish more than the wing of it.

In the same manner do I prognosticate, if ever I am enabled to finish this history, (of which in simple truth, I often have my doubts,) that it will be handed down to posterity, the most complete, faithful, and critically constructed work that ever was read -- the delight of the learned, the ornament of libraries, and a model for all future historians. There is nothing that gives such an expansion of mind, as the idea of writing for posterity -- And had Ovid, Herodotus, Polybius or Tacitus, like Mo- ses from the top of Mount Pisgah, taken a view of the boundless region over which their offspring were destined to wander -- like the good old Israel- ite, they would have lain down and died contented.

I hear some of my captious readers questioning the correctness of my arrangement -- but I have no patience with these continual interruptions -- never was historian so pestered with doubts and queries, and such a herd of discontented quid-nunes! if they continue to worry me in this manner, I shall never get to the end of my work. I call Apollo and his whole seraglio of muses to witness, that I pursue the most approved and fashionable plan of modern historians; and if my readers are not pleased with my matter, and my manner, for God's sake let them throw down my work, take up a pen and write a history to suit themselves -- for my part I am weary of their incessant interruptions, and beg once for all, that I may have no more of them.

The island of Manna-hata, Manhattoes, or as it is vulgarly called Manhattan, having been discover- ed, as was related in the last chapter; and being unanimously pronounced by the discoverers, the fairest spot in the known world, whereon to build a city, that should surpass all the emporiums of Eu- rope, they immediately returned to Communipaw with the pleasing intelligence. Upon this a consi- derable colony was forthwith fitted out, who after a prosperous voyage of half an hour, arrived at Manna hata, and having previously purchased the land of the Indians, (a measure almost unparalleled in the annals of discovery and colonization) they set- tled upon the south-west point of the island, and fortified themselves strongly, by throwing up a mud battery, which they named Fort Amsterdam. A number of huts soon sprung up in the neighbour- hood, to protect which, they made an enclosure of strong pallisadoes. A creek running from the East river, through what at present is called White- hall street, and a little inlet from Hudson river to the bowling green formed the original boundarles; as though nature had kindly designated the cradle, in which the embryo of this renowned city was to be nestled. The woods on both sides of the creek were carefully cleared away, as well as from the space of ground now occupied by the bowling green. -- These precautions were taken to protect the fort from either the open attacks or insidious advances of its savage neighbours, who wandered in hordes about the forests and swamps that extended over those tracts of country, at present called broad way, Wall street, William street and Pearl street.

No sooner was the colony once planted, than like a luxuriant vine, it took root and throve ama- zingly; for it would seem, that this thrice favoured island is like a munificent dung hill, where every thing finds kindly nourishment, and soon shoots up and expands to greatness. The thriving state of the settlement, and the astonishing encrease of houses, gradually awakened the leaders from a profound lethargy, into which they had fallen, after having built their mud fort. They began to think it was high time some plan should be devised, on which the encreasing town should be built; so taking pipe in mouth, and meeting in close divan, they forth- with fell into a profound deliberation on the sub- ject.

At the very outset of the business, an unex- pected difference of opinion arose, and I mention it with regret, as being the first internal altercation on record among the new settlers. An ingenious plan was proposed by Mynheer Ten Broek to cut up and intersect the ground by means of canals; after the manner of the most admired cities in Hol- land; but to this Mynheer Hardenbroek was dia- metrically opposed; suggesting in place thereof, that they should run out docks and wharves, by means of piles driven into the bottom of the river, on which the town should be built -- By this means said he triumphantly, shall we rescue a considera- ble space of territory from these immense rivers, and build a city that shall rival Amsterdam, Venice, or any amphibious city in Europe. To this propo- sition, Ten Broek (or Ten breeches) replied, with a look of as much scorn as he could possibly as- sume. He cast the utmost censure upon the plan of his antagonist, as being preposterous, and against the very order of things, as he would leave to every true hollander. "For what;" said he, "is a town without canals? -- it is like a body without veins and arteries, and must perish for want of a free circulation of the vital fluid" -- Tough breeches, on the contrary, retorted with a sarcasm upon his an- tagonist, who was somewhat of an arid, dry boned habit of body; he remarked that as to the circu- lation of the blood being necessary to existence, Mynheer Ten breeches was a living contradiction to his own assertion; for every body knew there had not a drop of blood circulated through his wind dried carcass for good ten years, and yet there was not a greater busy body in the whole colony. Personalities have seldom much effect in making converts in argument -- nor have I ever seen a man convinced of error, by being convicted of deformity. At least such was not the case at present. Ten Breeches was very acrimonious in reply, and Tough Breeches, who was a sturdy little man, and never gave up the last word, rejoined with encreasing spirit -- Ten Breeches had the ad- vantage of the greatest volubility, but Tough Breech- es had that invaluable coat of mail in argument called obstinacy -- Ten Breeches had, therefore, the most mettle, but Tough Breeches the best bottom -- so that though Ten Breeches made a dreadful clatter- ing about his ears, and battered and belaboured him with hard words and sound arguments, yet Tough Breeches hung on most resolutely to the last. They parted therefore, as is usual in all ar- guments where both parties are in the right, with- out coming to any conclusion -- but they hated each other most heartily forever after, and a similar breach with that between the houses of Capulet and Montague, had well nigh ensued between the fami- lies of Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches.

I would not fatigue my reader with these dull matters of fact, but that my duty as a faithful histo- rian, requires that I should be particular -- and in truth, as I am now treating of the critical period, when our city, like a young twig, first received the twists and turns, that have since contributed to give it the present picturesque irregularity for which it is celebrated, I cannot be too minute in detailing their first causes.

After the unhappy altercation I have just men- tioned, I do not find that any thing further was said on the subject, worthy of being recorded. The council, consisting of the largest and oldest heads in the community, met regularly once a week, to ponder on this momentous subject. -- But either they were deterred by the war of words they had witnessed, or they were naturally averse to the ex- ercise of the tongue, and the consequent exercise of the brains -- certain it is, the most profound si- lence was maintained -- the question as usual lay on the table -- the members quietly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, without ever enforcing any, and in the mean time the affairs of the settlement went on -- as it pleased God.

As most of the council were but little skilled in the mystery of combining pot hooks and hangers, they determined most judiciously not to puzzle either themselves or posterity, with voluminous records. The secretary however, kept the minutes of each meeting with tolerable precision, in a large vellum folio, fastened with massy brass clasps, with a sight of which I have been politely favoured by my highly respected friends, the Goelets, who have this invaluable relique, at present in their possession. On perusal, however, I do not find much informa- tion -- The journal of each meeting consists but of two lines, stating in dutch, that, "the council sat this day, and smoked twelve pipes, on the affairs of the colony." -- By which it appears that the first settlers did not regulate their time by hours, but pipes, in the same manner as they measure distances in Hol- land at this very time; an admirably exact mea- surement, as a pipe in the mouth of a genuine dutchman is never liable to those accidents and irregularities, that are continually putting our clocks out of order.

In this manner did the profound council of New Amsterdam smoke, and doze, and ponder, from week to week, month to month, and year to year, in what manner they should construct their infant settlement -- mean while, the own took care of itself, and like a sturdy brat which is suffered to run about wild, unshackled by clouts and bandages, and other abominations by which your notable nur- ses and sage old women cripple and disfigure the children of men, encreased so rapidly in strength and magnitude, that before the honest burgomas- ters had determined upon a plan, it was too late to put it in execution -- whereupon they wisely aban- doned the subject altogether.

CHAP V.

In which the Author is very unreasonably afflicted about nothing. -- Together with divers Ancedotes of the prosperity of New Amsterdam, and the wisdom of its Inhabitants. -- And the sudden in- troduction of a Great Man.

Grievous, and very much to be commiserated, is the task of the feeling historian, who writes the history of his native land. If it falls to his lot to be the sad recorder of calamity or crime, the mourn- ful page is watered with his tears -- nor can he recal the most prosperous and blissful eras, without a melancholy sigh at the reflection, that they have passed away forever! I know not whether it be owing to an immoderate love for the simplicity of former times, or to a certain tenderness of heart, natural to a sentimental historian; but I candidly confess, I cannot look back on the halcyon days of the city, which I now describe, without a deep de- jection of the spirits. With faultering hand I with- draw the curtain of oblivion, which veils the modest merits of our venerable dutch ancestors, and as their revered figures rise to my mental vision, hum- ble myself before the mighty shades.

Such too are my feelings when I revisit the family mansion of the Knickerbockers and spend a lonely hour in the attic chamber, where hang the portraits of my forefathers, shrowded in dust like the forms they represent. With pious reverence do I gaze on the countenances of those renowned burghers, who have preceded me in the steady march of existence -- whose sober and temperate blood now meanders through my veins, flowing slower and slower in its feeble conduits, until its lingering current shall soon be stopped forever!

These, say I to myself, are but frail memorials of the mighty men, who flourished in the days of the patriarchs; but who, alas, have long since mouldered in that tomb, towards which my steps are insensibly and irresistibly hastening! As I pace the darkened chamber and lose myself in me- lancholy musings, the shadowy images around me, almost seem to steal once more into existence -- their countenances appear for an instant to assume the animation of life -- their eyes to pursue me in every movement! carried away by the delusion of fancy, I almost imagine myself surrounded by the shades of the departed, and holding sweet con- verse with the worthies of antiquity! -- Luckless Diedrich! born in a degenerate age -- abandoned to the buffettings of fortune -- a stranger and a weary pilgrim in thy native land; blest with no weeping wife, nor family of helpless children -- but doomed to wander neglected through those crowded streets, and elbowed by foreign upstarts from those fair abodes, where once thine ancestors held sovereign empire. Alas! alas! is then the dutch spirit for- ever extinct? The days of the patriarchs, have they fled forever? Return -- return sweet days of sim- plicity and ease -- dawn once more on the lovely island of Manna hata! -- Bear with me my worthy readers, bear with the weakness of my nature -- or rather let us sit down together, indulge the full flow of filial piety, and weep over the memories of our great great grand-fathers.

Having thus gratified those feelings irresistibly awakened by the happy scenes I am describing, I return with more composure to my history.

The town of New Amsterdam, being, as I be- fore mentioned, left to its own course and the fos- tering care of providence, increased as rapidly in importance, as though it had been burthened with a dozen panniers full of those sage laws, which are usually heaped upon the backs of young cities -- in order to make them grow. The only measure that remains on record of the worthy council, was to build a chapel within the fort, which they dedicated to the great and good St. Nicholas, who imme- diately took the infant town of New Amsterdam un- der his peculiar patronage, and has ever since been, and I devoutly hope will ever be, the tutelar saint of this excellent city. I am moreover told, that there is a little legendary book somewhere extant, written in low dutch, which says that the image of this renowned saint, which whilome graced the bowsprit of the Goede Vrouw, was placed in front of this chapel; and the legend further treats of divers miracles wrought by the mighty pipe which the saint held in his mouth; a whiff of which was a sovereign cure for an indigestion, and consequently of great importance in this colony of huge feeders. But as, notwithstanding the most diligent search, I cannot lay my hands upon this little book, I en- tertain considerable doubt on the subject.

This much is certain, that from the time of the building of this chapel, the town throve with ten- fold prosperity, and soon became the metropolis of numerous settlements, and an extensive territory. The province extended on the north, to Fort Aura- nia or Orange, now known by the name of Albany, situated about 160 miles up the Mohegan or Hud- son River. Indeed the province claimed quite to the river St. Lawrence; but this claim was not much insisted on at the time, as the country beyond Fort Aurania was a perfect wilderness, reported to be inhabited by cannibals, and termed Terra Incog- nita. Various accounts were given of the people of these unknown parts; by some they are described as being of the race of the Acephali, such as Hero- dotus describes, who have no heads, and carry their eyes in their bellies. Others affirm they were of that race whom father Charlevoix mentions, as hav ing but one leg; adding gravely, that they were exceedingly alert in running. But the most satis- factory account is that given by the reverend Hans Megapolensis, a missionary in these parts, who, in a letter still extant, declares them to be the Moha- gues or Mohawks; a nation, according to his des- cription, very loose in their morals, but withal most rare wags. "For," says he, "if theye can get to bedd with another mans wife, theye thinke it a piece of wit."20 This excellent old gentleman gives moreover very important additional information, about this country of monsters; for he observes, "theye have plenty of tortoises here, and within land, from two and three to four feet long; some with two heads, very mischievous and addicted to biting."

On the south the province reached to Fort Nas- sau, on the South River, since called the Delaware -- and on the east it extended to Varshe (or Fresh) River, since called Connecticut River. On this frontier was likewise erected a mighty fort and trading house, much about the spot where at present is situated the pleasant town of Hartford; this port was called Fort Goed Hoop, or Good Hope, and was intended as well for the purpose of trade as de- fence; but of this fort, its valiant garrison, and staunch commander, I shall treat more anon, as they are destined to make some noise in this eventful and authentic history.

Thus prosperously did the province of New Ne- derlandts encrease in magnitude; and the early his- tory of its metropolis, presents a fair page, unsullied by crime or calamity. Herds of painted savages still lurked about the tangled woods and the rich bottoms of the fair island of Manna-hata -- the hun- ter still pitched his rude bower of skins and branches, beside the wild brooks, that stole through the cool and shady valleys; while here and there were seen on some sunny knoll, a group of indian wigwams, whose smoke rose above the neighbouring trees and floated in the clear expanse of heaven. The uncivi- lized tenants of the forest remained peaceable neigh- bours of the town of New Amsterdam; and our worthy ancestors endeavoured to ameliorate their situation as much as possible, by benevolently giving them gin, rum and glass beads, in exchange for all the furs they brought; for it seems the kind hearted dutchmen had conceived a great friendship for their savage neighbours -- on account of the facility with which they suffered themselves to be taken in. Not that they were deficient in understanding, for cer- tain of their customs give tokens of great shrewd- ness, especially that mentioned by Ogilvie, who says, "for the least offence the bridegroom soundly beats the wife, and turns her out of doors and marries another, insomuch that some of them have every year a new wife."

True it is, that good understanding between our worthy ancestors and their savage neighbours, was liable to occasional interruptions -- and I recollect hearing my grandmother, who was a very wise old woman, well versed in the history of these parts, tell a long story of a winter evening, about a battle between the New Amsterdammers and the Indians, which was known, but why, I do not recollect, by the name of the Peach War, and which took place near a peach orchard, in a dark and gloomy glen, overshadowed by cedars, oaks and dreary hemlocks. The legend of this bloody encounter, was for a long time current among the nurses, old women, and other ancient chroniclers of the place; and the dis- mal seat of war, went, for some generations, by the name of Murderers' Valley; but time and improve- ment have equally obliterated the tradition and the place of this battle, for what was once the blood- stained valley, is now in the centre of this populous city, and known by the name of Dey-street.21

For a long time the new settlement depended upon the mother country for most of its supplies. The vessels which sailed in search of a north west passage, always touched at New Amsterdam, where they unloaded fresh cargoes of adventurers, and unheard of quantities of gin, bricks, tiles, glass beads, gingerbread and other necessaries; in ex- change for which they received supplies of pork and vegetables, and made very profitable bargains for furs and bear skins. Never did the simple islanders of the south seas, look with more impatience for the adventurous vessels, that brought them rich ladings of old hoops, spike nails and looking glasses, than did our honest colonists, for the vessels that brought them the comforts of the mother country. In this particu- lar they resembled their worthy but simple descend- ants, who prefer depending upon Europe for neces- saries, which they might produce or manufacture at less cost and trouble in their own country. Thus have I known a very shrewd family, who being removed to some distance from an inconvenient draw well, beside which they had long sojourned, always pre- ferred to send to it for water, though a plentiful brook ran by the very door of their new habitation.

How long the growing colony might have looked to its parent Holland for supplies, like a chubby overgrown urchin, clinging to its mother's breast, even after it is breeched, I will not pretend to say, for it does not become an historian to indulge in conjectures -- I can only assert the fact, that the in- habitants, being obliged by repeated emergencies, and frequent disappointments of foreign supplies, to look about them and resort to contrivances, became nearly as wise as people generally are, who are taught wisdom by painful experience. They there- fore learned to avail themselves of such expedients as presented -- to make use of the bounties of nature, where they could get nothing better -- and thus be- came prodigiously enlightened, under the scourge of inexorable necessity; gradually opening one eye at a time, like the Arabian impostor receiving the bastinado.

Still however they advanced from one point of knowledge to another with characteristic slowness and circumspection, admitting but few improve- ments and inventions, and those too, with a jealous reluctance that has ever distinguished our respect- able dutch yeomanry; who adhere, with pious and praiseworthy obstinacy, to the customs, the fashions, the manufactures and even the very utensils, how- ever inconvenient, of their revered forefathers. It was long after the period of which I am writing, before they discoved the surprising secret, that it was more economic and commodious, to roof their houses with shingles procured from the adjacent forests, than to import tiles for the purpose from Holland; and so slow were they in believing that the soil of a young country, could possibly make creditable bricks; that even at a late period of the last century, ship loads have been imported from Holland, by certain of its most orthodox descend- ants.

The accumulating wealth and consequence of New Amsterdam and its dependencies, at length awakened the serious solicitude of the mother country; who finding it a thriving and opulent co- lony, and that it promised to yield great profit and no trouble; all at once became wonderfully anxious about its safety, and began to load it with tokens of regard; in the same manner that people are sure to oppress rich relations with their affection and loving kindness, who could do much better without their assistance.

The usual marks of protection shewn by mo- ther countries to wealthy colonies, were forth- with evinced -- the first care always being to send rulers to the new settlement, with orders to squeeze as much revenue from it as it will yield. Accord- ingly in the year of our Lord 1629 mynheer Wouter Van Twiller was appointed governor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the controul of their High Mightinesses the lords states general of the United Netherlands, and the privileged West India company.

This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Amsterdam in the merry month of June, the sweetest month in all the year; when Dan Apollo seems to dance up the transparent firmament -- when the robin, the black-bird, the thrush and a thousand other wanton songsters make the woods to resound with amorous ditties, and the luxurious little Bob- lincon revels among the clover blossoms of the mea- dows. -- All which happy coincidence, persuaded the old ladies of New Amsterdam, who were skill- ed in the art of foretelling events, that this was to be a happy and prosperous administration.

But as it would be derogatory to the conse- quence of the first dutch governor of the great pro- vince of Nieuw Nederlandts, to be thus scurvily in- troduced at the end of a chapter, I will put an end to this second book of my history, that I may usher him in, with the more dignity in the begin- ning of my next. END OF BOOK II. [20] Let. of I. Megapol. Hag. S. P. Ogilvie, in his excellent account of America, speaking of these parts, makes mention of Lions, which abounded on a high mountain, and likewise observes, "On the borders of Canada there is seen sometimes a kind of beast which hath some resemblance with a horse, having cloven feet, shaggy mayn, one horn just on the forehead, a tail like that of a wild hog, and a deer's neck." He furthermore gives a picture of this strange beast, which resem- bles exceedingly an unicorn. -- It is much to be lamented by philo- sophers, that this miraculous breed of animals, like that of the horned frog, is totally extinct. [21] This battle is said by some to have happened much later than the date assigned by our historian. Some of the ancient inhabitants of our city, place it in the beginning of the last century. It is more than probable, however, that Mr. Knickerbocker is correct, as he has doubtless investigated the matter. -- Print. Dev.

BOOK III. In which is recorded the golden reign of Wouter Van Twiller.

CHAP. I.

Setting forth the unparalleled virtues of the renown- ed Wouter Van Twiller, as likewise his unutter- able wisdom in the law case of Wandle Schoon- hoven and Barent Bleecker -- and the great ad- miration of the public thereat.

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller, was descended from a long line of dutch burgomasters, who had successively dozed away their lives and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam; and who had comported themselves with such singular wisdom and proprie- ty, that they were never either heard or talked of -- which, next to being universally applauded, should be the object of ambition of all sage magistrates and rulers.

His surname of Twiller, is said to be a corrup- tion of the original Twijfler, which in English means doubter; a name admirably descriptive of his deliberative habits. For though he was a man, shut up within himself like an oyster, and of such a profoundly reflective turn, that he scarcely ever spoke except in monosyllables, yet did he never make up his mind, on any doubtful point. This was clearly accountd for by his adherents, who affirmed that he always conceived every subject on so compre- hensive a scale, that he had not room in his head, to turn it over and examine both sides of it, so that he always remained in doubt, merely in conse- quence of the astonishing magnitude of his ideas!

There are two opposite ways by which some men get into notice -- one by talking a vast deal and thinking a little, and the other by holding their tongues and not thinking at all. By the first many a vapouring, superficial pretender acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts -- by the other many a vacant dunderpate, like the owl, the stupid- est of birds, comes to be complimented, by a dis- cerning world, with all the attributes of wisdom. This, by the way, is a mere casual remark, which I would not for the universe have it thought, I ap- ply to Governor Van Twiller. On the contrary he was a very wise dutchman, for he never said a fool- ish thing -- and of such invincible gravity, that he was never known to laugh, or even to smile, through the course of a long and prosperous life. Certain however it is, there never was a matter proposed, however simple, and on which your common nar- row minded mortals, would rashly determine at the first glance, but what the renowned Wouter, put on a mighty mysterious, vacant kind of look, shook his capacious head, and having smoked for five minutes with redoubled earnestness, sagely ob- served, that "he had his doubts about the matter" -- which in process of time gained him the character of a man slow of belief, and not easily imposed on.

The person of this illustrious old gentleman was as regularly formed and nobly proportioned, as though it had been moulded by the hands of some cunning dutch statuary, as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five feet six inches in height, and six feet five inches in circum- ference. His head was a perfect sphere, far excel- ling in magnitude that of the great Pericles (who was thence waggishly called Schenocephalus, or onion head) -- indeed, of such stupendous dimen- sions was it, that dame nature herself, with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been puzzled to con- struct a neck, capable of supporting it; wherefore she wisely declined the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his back bone, just between the shoulders; where it remained, as snugly bedded, as a ship of war in the mud of the Potowmac. His body was of an oblong form, particularly ca- pacious at bottom; which was wisely ordered by providence, seeing that he was a man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labour of walk- ing. His legs, though exceeding short, were stur- dy in proportion to the weight they had to sustain; so that when erect, he had not a little the appear- ance of a robustious beer barrel, standing on skids. His face, that infallible index of the mind, presented a vast expanse perfectly unfurrowed or deformed by any of those lines and angles, which disfigure the human countenance with what is termed expression. Two small grey eyes twinkled feebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude, in a hazy firma- ment; and his full fed cheeks, which seemed to have taken toll of every thing that went into his mouth, were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red, like a spitzenberg apple.

His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his four stated meals, appropriating ex- actly an hour to each; he smoked and doubted eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of the four and twenty. Such was the renowned Wouter Van Twiller -- a true philosopher, for his mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly set- tled below, the cares and perplexities of this world. He had lived in it for years, without feeling the least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round it, or it round the sun; and he had even watched for at least half a century, the smoke curl- ing from his pipe to the ceiling, without once trou- bling his head with any of those numerous theories, by which a philosopher would have perplexed his brain, in accounting for its rising above the sur- rounding atmosphere.

In his council he presided with great state and solemnity. He sat in a huge chair of solid oak hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague, fabri- cated by an experienced Timmerman of Amster- dam, and curiously carved about the arms and feet, into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's claws. Instead of a sceptre he swayed a long turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin and amber, which had been presented to a stadtholder of Holland, at the con- clusion of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary powers. -- In this stately chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant motion, and fixing his eye for hours together upon a little print of Am- sterdam, which hung in a black frame, against the opposite wall of the council chamber. Nay, it has ever been said, that when any deliberation of ex- traordinary length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned Wouter would absolutely shut his eyes for full two hours at a time, that he might not be disturbed by external objects -- and at such times the internal commotion of his mind, was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds, which his ad- mirers declared were merely the noise of conflict, made by his contending doubts and opinions.

It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to collect these biographical anecdotes of the great man under consideration. The facts respecting him were so scattered and vague, and divers of them so questionable in point of authenticity, that I have had to give up the search after many, and decline the admission of still more, which would have tended to heighten the colouring of his por- trait.

I have been the more anxious to delineate fully, the person and habits of the renowned Van Twiller, from the consideration that he was not only the first, but also the best governor that ever presided over this ancient and respectable province; and so tran- quil and benevolent was his reign, that I do not find throughout the whole of it, a single instance of any offender being brought to punishment: -- a most in- dubitable sign of a merciful governor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of the illustrious King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned Van Twiller was a lineal descendant.

The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate, like that of Solomon, or to speak more appropriately, like that of the illustrious governor of Barataria, was distinguished by an example of legal acumen, that gave flattering presage of a wise and equitable administration. The very morning after he had been solemnly installed in office, and at the moment that he was making his breakfast from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian pudding, he was suddenly interrupted by the appear- ance of one Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important old burgher of New Amsterdam, who complained bitterly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he fraudulently refused to come to a settlement of ac- counts, seeing that there was a heavy balance in favour of the said Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I have already observed, was a man of few words, he was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writings -- or being disturbed at his breakfast. Hav- ing therefore listened attentively to the statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he shovelled a mighty spoonful of Indian pud- ding into his mouth -- either as a sign that he relished the dish, or comprehended the story -- he called unto him his constable, and pulling out of his breeches pocket a huge jack-knife, dispatched it after the de- fendant as a summons, accompanied by his tobacco box as a warrant.

This summary process was as effectual in those simple days, as was the seal ring of the great Haroun Alraschid, among the true believers -- the two par- ties, being confronted before him, each produced a book of accounts, written in a language and charac- ter that would have puzzled any but a High Dutch commentator, or a learned decypherer of Egyptian obelisks, to understand. The sage Wouter took them one after the other, and having poised them in his hands, and attentively counted over the num- ber of leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for half an hour without saying a word; at length, laying his finger beside his nose, and shut- ting his eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who has just caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and with marvellous gra- vity and solemnity pronounced -- that having care- fully counted over the leaves and weighed the books, it was found, that one was just as thick and as heavy as the other -- therefore it was the final opinion of the court that the accounts were equally balanced -- therefore Wandle should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give Wandle a receipt -- and the con- stable should pay the costs.

This decision being straightway made known, diffused general joy throughout New Amsterdam, for the people immediately perceived, that they had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its happiest effect was, that not another law suit took place throughout the whole of his ad- ministration -- and the office of constable fell into such decay, that there was not one of those lossel scouts known in the province for many years. I am the more particular in dwelling on this transaction, not only because I deem it one of the most sage and righteous judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of modern magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event in the history of the renown- ed Wouter -- being the only time he was ever known to come to a decision, in the whole course of his life.

CHAP. II.

Containing some account of the grand Council of New Amsterdam, as also divers especial good philosophical reasons why an Alderman should be fat -- with other particulars touching the state of the Province.

In treating of the early governors of the pro- vince, I must caution my readers against confound- ing them, in point of dignity and power, with those worthy gentlemen, who are whimsically denomina- ted governors, in this enlightened republic -- a set of unhappy victims of popularity, who are in fact the most dependent, hen-pecked beings in commu- nity: doomed to bear the secret goadings and cor- rections of their own party, and the sneers and re- vilings of the whole world beside. -- Set up, like geese, at christmas hollidays, to be pelted and shot at by every whipster and vagabond in the land. On the contrary, the dutch governors enjoyed that un- controlled authority vested in all commanders of distant colonies or territories. They were in a manner, absolute despots in their little domains, lording it, if so disposed, over both law and gospel, and accountable to none but the mother country; which it is well known is astonishingly deaf to all complaints against its governors, provided they discharge the main duty of their station -- squeez- ing out a good revenue. This hint will be of im- portance, to prevent my readers from being seized with doubt and incredulity, whenever, in the course of this authentic history, they encounter the un- common circumstance, of a governor, acting with independence, and in opposition to the opinions of the multitude.

To assist the doubtful Wouter, in the arduous business of legislation, a board of magistrates was appointed, which presided immediately over the police. This potent body consisted of a schout or bailiff, with powers between those of the present mayor and sheriff -- five burgermeesters, who were equivalent to aldermen, and five schepens, who of- ficiated as scrubs, sub-devils, or bottle-holders to the burgermeesters, in the same manner as do as- sistant aldermen to their principals at the present day; it being their duty to fill the pipes of the lordly burgermeesters -- see that they were accommodated with spitting boxes -- hunt the markets for delica- cies for corporation dinners, and to discharge such other little offices of kindness, as were occasionally required. It was moreover, tacitly understood, though not specifically enjoined, that they should consider themselves as butts for the blunt wits of the burgermeesters, and should laugh most heartily at all their jokes; but this last was a duty as rarely called in action in those days, as it is at present, and was shortly remitted, in consequence of the tragical death of a fat little Schepen -- who actu- ally died of suffocation in an unsuccessful effort to force a laugh, at one of Burgermeester Van Zandt's best jokes.

In return for these humble services, they were permitted to say yes and no at the council board, and to have that enviable privilege, the run of the public kitchen -- being graciously per- mitted to eat, and drink, and smoke, at all those snug junkettings and public gormandizings, for which the ancient magistrates were equally fa- mous with their more modern successors. The post of Schepen therefore, like that of assistant alderman, was eagerly coveted by all your bur- ghers of a certain description, who have a huge relish for good feeding, and a humble ambition to be great men, in a small way -- who thirst after a little brief authority, that shall render them the terror of the alms house, and the bridewell -- that shall enable them to lord it over obsequious pover- ty, vagrant vice, outcast prostitution, and hunger driven dishonesty -- that shall place in their hands the lesser, but galling scourge of the law, and give to their beck a hound like pack of catchpoles and bum bailiffs -- tenfold greater rogues than the cul- prits they hunt down! -- My readers will excuse this sudden warmth, which I confess is unbecoming of a grave historian -- but I have a mortal antipathy to catchpoles, bum bailiffs, and little great men.

The ancient magistrates of this city, corres- ponded with those of the present time, no less in form, magnitude and intellect, than in prerogative and privilege. The burgomasters, like our alder- men, were generally chosen by weight -- and not only the weight of the body, but likewise the weight of the head. It is a maxim practically observed in all honest, plain thinking, regular cities, that an al- derman should be fat -- and the wisdom of this can be proved to a certainty. That the body is in some measure an image of the mind, or rather that the mind is moulded to the body, like melted lead to the clay in which it is cast, has been insisted on by many men of science, who have made human nature their peculiar study -- For as a learned gentleman of our city observes "there is a constant relation between the moral character of all intelligent crea- tures, and their physical constitution -- between their habits and the structure of their bodies." Thus we see, that a lean, spare, diminutive body, is generally accompanied by a petulant, restless, meddling mind -- either the mind wears down the body, by its con- tinual motion; or else the body, not affording the mind sufficient house room, keeps it continually in a state of fretfulness, tossing and worrying about from the uneasiness of its situation. Whereas your round, sleek, fat, unwieldly periphery is ever at- tended by a mind, like itself, tranquil, torpid and at ease; and we may always observe, that your well fed, robustious burghers are in general very tenacious of their ease and comfort; being great enemies to noise, discord and disturbance -- and surely none are more likely to study the public tranquillity than those who are so careful of their own -- Who ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding together in turbulent mobs? -- no -- no -- it is your lean, hungry men, who are continually wor- rying society, and setting the whole community by the ears.

The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not suffi- ciently attended to by philosophers of the present age, allows to every man three souls -- one, immor- tal and rational, seated in the brain, that it may overlook and regulate the body -- a second con- sisting of the surly and irascible passions, which like belligerent powers lie encamped around the heart -- a third mortal and sensual, destitute of reason, gross and brutal in its propensities, and enchained in the belly, that it may not disturb the divine soul, by its ravenous howlings. Now, ac- cording to this excellent theory what can be more clear, than that your fat alderman, is most likely to have the most regular and well conditioned mind. His head is like a huge, spherical chamber, contain- ing a prodigious mass of soft brains, whereon the rational soul lies softly and snugly couched, as on a feather bed; and the eyes, which are the windows of the bed chamber, are usually half closed that its slumberings may not be disturbed by external ob- jects. A mind thus comfortably lodged, and pro- tected from disturbance, is manifestly most likely to perform its functions with regularity and ease. By dint of good feeding, moreover, the mortal and malignant soul, which is confined in the belly, and which by its raging and roaring, puts the irritable soul in the neighbourhood of the heart in an intoler- able passion, and thus renders men crusty and quarrelsome when hungry, is completely pacified, silenced and put to rest -- whereupon a host of honest good fellow qualities and kind hearted affec- tions, which had lain perdue, slily peeping out of the loop holes of the heart, finding this cerberus asleep, do pluck up their spirits, turn out one and all in their holliday suits, and gambol up and down the diaphragm -- disposing their possessor to laughter, good humour and a thousand friendly offices towards his fellow mortals.

As a board of magistrates, formed on this mo- del, think but very little, they are the less likely to differ and wrangle about favourite opinions -- and as they generally transact business upon a hearty din- ner, they are naturally disposed to be lenient and indulgent in the administration of their duties. Charlemagne was conscious of this, and therefore (a pitiful measure, for which I can never forgive him), ordered in his cartularies, that no judge should hold a court of justice, except in the morn- ing, on an empty stomach. -- A rule which, I war- rant, bore hard upon all the poor culprits in his kingdom. The more enlightened and humane ge- neration of the present day, have taken an opposite course, and have so managed that the aldermen are the best fed men in the community; feasting lustily on the fat things of the land, and gorging so hearti- ly on oysters and turtles, that in process of time they acquire the activity of the one, and the form, the wad- dle, and the green fat of the other. The consequence is, as I have just said; these luxurious feastings do produce such a dulcet equanimity and repose of the soul, rational and irrational, that their transactions are proverbial for unvarying monotony -- and the profound laws, which they enact in their dozing moments, amid the labours of digestion, are quietly suffered to remain as dead letters, and never en- forced, when awake. In a word your fair round- bellied burgomaster, like a full fed mastiff, dozes quietly at the house-door, always at home, and always at hand to watch over its safety -- but as to electing a lean, meddling candidate to the office, as has now and then been done, I would as leave put a grey- hound, to watch the house, or a race horse to drag an ox waggon.

The Burgo-masters then, as I have already mentioned, were wisely chosen by weight, and the Schepens, or assistant aldermen, were appointed to attend upon them, and help them eat; but the latter, in the course of time, when they had been fed and fattened into sufficient bulk of body and drowsiness of brain, became very eligible candidates for the Burgomasters' chairs, having fairly eaten themselves into office, as a mouse eats his way into a comfort- able lodgement in a goodly, blue-nosed, skim'd milk, New England cheese.

Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that took place between the renowned Wouter, and these his worthy compeers, unless it be the sage di- vans of some of our modern corporations. They would sit for hours smoking and dozing over pub- lic affairs, without speaking a word to interrupt that perfect stillness, so necessary to deep reflection -- faithfully observing an excellent maxim, which the good old governor had caused to be written in let- ters of gold, on the walls of the council chamber Stille Seugen eten at den draf op. which, being rendered into English for the benefit of modern legislatures, means -- "The sow that's still Sucks all the swill."

Under the sober way, therefore, of the renown- ed Van Twiller, and the sage superintendance of his burgomasters, the infant settlement waxed vigo- rous apace, gradually emerging from the swamps and forests, and exhibiting that mingled appearance of town and country, customary in new cities, and which at this day may be witnessed in the great city of Washington; that immense metropolis, which makes such a glorious appearance -- upon paper.

Ranges of houses began to give the idea of streets and lanes, and wherever an interval occurred, it was over-run by a wilderness of sweet smelling thorn apple, vulgarly called stinkweed. Amid these fragrant bowers, the honest burghers, like so many patriarchs of yore, sat smoking their pipes of a sultry afternoon, inhaling the balmy odours waft- ed on every gale, and listening with silent gratula- tion to the clucking of their hens, the cackling of their geese, or the sonorous gruntings of their swine; that combination of farm-yard melody, which may truly be said to have a silver sound, in- asmuch as it conveys a certain assurance of profit- able marketing.

The modern spectator, who wanders through the crowded streets of this populous city, can scarce form an idea, of the different appearance which every object presented, in those primitive times. The busy hum of commerce, the noise of revelry, the rattling equipages of splendid luxury, were un- known in the peaceful settlement of New Amster- dam. The bleating sheep and frolicksome calves sported about the verdant ridge, where now their legitimate successors, the Broadway loungers, take their morning's stroll; the cunning fox or ravenous wolf, skulked in the woods, where now are to be seen the dens of Gomez and his righteous fra- ternity of money brokers, and flocks of vociferous geese cackled about the field, where now the pa- triotic tavern of Martling echoes with the wrang- lings of the mob.22 The whole island, at least such parts of it as were inhabited, bloomed like a second Eden; every dwelling had its own cabbage garden, and that esculent vegetable, while it gave promise of bounteous loads of sour crout, was also emblema- tic of the rapid growth and regular habits of the youthful colony.

Such are the soothing scenes presented by a fat government. The province of the New Nether- lands, destitute of wealth, possessed a sweet tran- quillity that wealth could never purchase. It seem- ed indeed as if old Saturn had again commenced his reign, and renewed the golden days of primeval simplicity. For the golden age, says Ovid, was totally destitute of gold, and for that very reason was called the golden age, that is, the happy and fortunate age -- because the evils produced by the precious metals, such as avarice, covetuousness, theft, rapine, usury, banking, note-shaving, lottery- insuring, and the whole catalogue of crimes and grievances were then unknown. In the iron age there was abundance of gold, and on that very account it was called the iron age, because of the hardships, the labours, the dissentions, and the wars, occasioned by the thirst of gold.

The genial days of Wouter Van Twiller there- fore, may truly be termed the golden age of our city. There were neither public commotions, nor private quarrels; neither parties, nor sects, nor schisms; neither prosecutions, nor trials, nor pun- ishments; nor were there counsellors, attornies, catch-poles or hangmen. Every man attended to what little business he was lucky enough to have, or neglect it if he pleased, without asking the opi- nion of his neighbour. -- In those days nobody med- dled with concerns above his comprehension, nor thrust his nose into other people's affairs; nor ne- glected to correct his own conduct, and reform his own character, in his zeal to pull to pieces the characters of others -- but in a word, every respect- able citizen eat when he was not hungry, drank when he was not thirsty, and went regularly to bed, when the sun set, and the fowls went to roost, whether he was sleepy or not; all which, being agreeable to the doctrines of Malthus, tended so remarkably to the population of the settlement, that I am told every dutiful wife throughout New Am- sterdam, made a point of always enriching her hus- band with at least one child a year, and very often a brace -- this superabundance of good things clear- ly constituting the true luxury of life, according to the favourite dutch maxim that "more than enough constitutes a feast." Every thing therefore went on exactly as it should do, and in the usual words employed by historians to express the welfare of a country, "the profoundest tranquillity and repose reigned throughout the province."

[22] "De Vries mentions a place where they over-haul their ships, which he calls Smits Vleye, there is still to this day a place in New York called by that name, where a market is built called the Fly market."

-- Old MS.

There are few native inhabitants, I trow, of this great city, who when boys were not engaged in the renowned feuds of Broad- way and Smith fly -- the subject of so many fly market romances and schoolboy rhymes. Editor.

CHAP. III.

How the town of New Amsterdam arose out of the mud, and came to be marvellously polished and polite -- together with a picture of the manners of our great great Grandfathers.

Manifold are the tastes and dispositions of the enlightened literati, who turn over the pages of history. Some there be whose hearts are brim full of the yeast of courage, and whose bosoms do work, and swell, and foam with untried valour, like a barrel of new cider, or a train-band captain, fresh from under the hands of his taylor. This doughty class of readers can be satisfied with no- thing but bloody battles, and horrible encounters; they must be continually storming forts, sacking cities, springing mines, marching up to the muz- zles of cannons, charging bayonet through every page, and revelling in gun-powder and carnage. Others, who are of a less martial, but equally ar- dent imagination, and who, withal, are a little given to the marvellous, will dwell with wonderous satis- faction on descriptions of prodigies, unheard of events, hair-breadth escapes, hardy adventures, and all those astonishing narrations, that just amble along the boundary line of possibility. -- A third class, who, not to speak slightingly of them, are of a lighter turn, and skin over the records of past times, as they do over the edifying pages of a no- vel, merely for relaxation and innocent amusement; do singularly delight in treasons, executions, sa- bine rapes, tarquin outrages, conflagrations, mur- ders, and all the other catalogue of hideous crimes, that like Cayenne in cookery, do give a pungency and flavour, to the dull detail of history -- while a fourth class, of more philosophic habits, do dili- gently pore over the musty chronicles of time, to investigate the operations of the human mind, and watch the gradual changes in men and manners, effected by the progress of knowledge, the vicissi- tudes of events, or the influence of situation.

If the three first classes find but little where- withal to solace themselves, in the tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, I entreat them to exert their patience for a while, and bear with the tedious pic- ture of happiness, prosperity and peace, which my duty as a faithful historian obliges me to draw; and I promise them, that as soon as I can possibly light upon any thing horrible, uncommon or impos- sible, it shall go hard, but I will make it afford them entertainment. This being premised, I turn with great complacency to the fourth class of my readers, who are men, or, if possible, women, after my own heart; grave, philosophical and investiga- ting; fond of analyzing characters, of taking a start from first causes, and so hunting a nation down, through all the mazes of innovation and improve- ment. Such will naturally be anxious to witness the first development of the newly hatched colo- ny, and the primitive manners and customs, preva- lent among its inhabitants, during the halcyon reign of Van Twiller or the doubter.

To describe minutely the gradual advances, from the rude log hut, to the stately dutch man- sion, with a brick front, glass windows, and shin- gle roof -- from the tangled thicket, to the luxuriant cabbage garden, and from the skulking Indian to the ponderous burgomaster, would probably be fa- tiguing to my reader, and certainly very inconve- nient to myself; suffice it to say, trees were cut down, stumps grubbed up, bushes cleared away, until the new city rose gradually from amid swamps and stinkweeds, like a mighty fungus, springing from a mass of rotten wood.

The sage council, as has been mentioned in a preceding chapter, not being able to determine upon any plan for the building of their city -- the cows, in a laudable fit of patriotism, took it under their particular charge, and as they went to and from pasture, established paths through the bushes, on each side of which the good folks built their houses; which is one cause of the rambling and picturesque turns and labyrinths, which distinguish certain streets of New York, at this very day.

Some, it must be noted, who were strenuous partizans of Mynheer Ten Breeches, (or Ten Brock) vexed that his plan of digging canals was not adopted, made a compromise with their incli- nations, by establishing themselves on the margins of those creeks and inlets, which meandered through various parts of the ground laid out for improve- ment. To these may be particularly ascribed the first settlement of Broad street; which originally was built along a creek, that ran up, to what at present is called Wall street. The lower part soon became very busy and populous; and a ferry house23 was in process of time established at the head of it; being at that day called "the head of inland navi- gation."

The disciples of Mynheer Toughbreeches, on the other hand, no less enterprising, and more in- dustrious than their rivals, stationed themselves along the shore of the river, and laboured with un- exampled perseverance, in making little docks and dykes, from which originated that multitude of mud traps with which this city is fringed. To these docks would the old Burghers repair, just at those hours when the falling tide had left the beach uncovered, that they might snuff up the fragrant effluvia of mud and mire; which they observed had a true wholesome smell, and reminded them of the canals of Holland. To the indefatigable labours, and praiseworthy example of this latter class of projectors, are we indebted for the acres of artificial ground, on which several of our streets, in the vicinity of the rivers are built; and which, if we may credit the assertions of several learned physi- cians of this city, have been very efficacious in producing the yellow fever.

The houses of the higher class, were generally constructed of wood, excepting the gable end, which was of small black and yellow dutch bricks, and always faced on the street, as our ancestors, like their descendants, were very much given to outward shew, and were noted for putting the best leg fore- most. The house was always furnished with abundance of large doors and small windows on every floor, the date of its erection was curiously designated by iron figures on the front, and on the top of the roof was perched a fierce little weather cock, to let the family into the important secret, which way the wind blew. These, like the weather cocks on the tops of our steeples, pointed so many different ways, that every man could have a wind to his mind; and you would have thought old Eolus had set all his bags of wind adrift, pell mell, to gambol about this windy metropolis -- the most

Some, it must be noted, who were strenuous partizans of Mynheer Ten Breeches, (or Ten Brock) vexed that his plan of digging canals was not adopted, made a compromise with their incli- nations, by establishing themselves on the margins of those creeks and inlets, which meandered through various parts of the ground laid out for improve- ment. To these may be particularly ascribed the first settlement of Broad street; which originally was built along a creek, that ran up, to what at present is called Wall street. The lower part soon became very busy and populous; and a ferry house24 was in process of time established at the head of it; being at that day called "the head of inland navi- gation."

The grand parlour was the sanctum sanctorum, where the passion for cleaning was indulged with- out controul. In this sacred apartment no one was permitted to enter, excepting the mistress and her confidential maid, who visited it once a week, for the purpose of giving it a thorough cleaning, and putting things to rights -- always taking the precaution of leaving their shoes at the door, and entering devoutly, on their stocking feet. After scrubbing the floor, sprinkling it with fine white sand, which was curiously stroked into angles, and curves, and rhomboids, with a broom -- after wash- ing the windows, rubbing and polishing the furni- ture, and putting a new bunch of evergreens in the fire-place -- the window shutters were again closed to keep out the flies, and the room carefully locked up until the revolution of time, brought round the weekly cleaning day.

As to the family, they always entered in at the gate, and most generally lived in the kitchen. To have seen a numerous household assembled around the fire, one would have imagined that he was transported back to those happy days of primeval simplicity, which float before our imaginations like golden visions. The fire-places were of a truly patriarchal magnitude, where the whole family, old and young, master and servant, black and white, nay even the very cat and dog, enjoyed a community of privilege, and had each a prescriptive right to a corner. Here the old burgher would set in perfect silence, puffing his pipe, looking in the fire with half shut eyes, and thinking of nothing for hours together; the goede vrouw on the oppo- site side would employ herself diligently in spin- ning her yarn, or knitting stockings. The young foks would crowd around th hearth, listening with breathless attention to some old crone of a negro, who was the oracle of the family, -- and who, perch- ed like a raven in a corner of the chimney, would croak forth for a long winter afternoon, a string of in- credible stories about New England witches -- gris- ly ghosts -- horses without heads -- and hairbreadth scapes and bloody encounters among the Indians.

In those happy days a well regulated family always rose with the dawn, dined at eleven, and went to bed at sun down. Dinner was invariably a private meal, and the fat old burghers shewed in-contestible symptoms of disappropriation and unea-siness, at being surpised by a visit from a neigh-bour on such occasions. But though our worthy ancestors were thus singularly averse to giving din-ners, yet they kept up the social bands of intimacy by occasional banquettings, called tea parties.

As this is the first introduction of those delect-able orgieswhich have since become so fashionable in this city, I am conscious my fair readers will be very curious to receive information on the subject. Sorry am I, that there will be but little in my des- cription calculated to excite their admiration. I can neither delight them with accounts of suffoca- ting crowds, nor brilliant drawing rooms, nor towering feathers, nor sparkling diamonds, nor im- measurable trains. I can detail no choice anec- dotes of scandal, for in those primitive times the simple folk were either too stupid, or too good na- tured to pull each other's characters to pieces -- nor can I furnish any whimsical anecdotes of brag -- how one lady cheated, or another bounced into a pas- sion; for as yet there was no junto of dulcet old dowagers, who met to win each other's money, and lose their own tempers at a card table.

These fashionable parties were generally con- fined to the higher classes, or noblesse, that is to say, such as kept their own cows, and drove their own waggons. The company commonly assem- bled at three o'clock, and went away about six, un- less it was in winter time, when the fashionable hours were a little earlier, that the ladies might get home before dark. I do not find that they ever treated their company to iced creams, jellies or syllabubs; or regaled them with musty almonds, mouldy raisins, or sour oranges, as is often done in the present age of refinement. -- Our ancestors were fond of more sturdy, substantial fare. The tea ta- ble was crowned with a huge earthen dish, well stored with slices of fat pork, fried brown, cut up into mouthfuls, and swimming in doup or gravy. The company being seated around the genial board, and each furnished with a fork, evinced their dex- terity in launching at the fattest pieces in this mighty dish -- in much the same manner as sailors harpoon porpoises at sea, or our Indians spear sal- mon in the lakes. Sometimes the table was graced with immense apple pies, or saucers full of preserv- ed peaches and pears; but it was always sure to boast an enormous dish of balls of sweetened dough, fried in hog's fat, and called dough nuts, or oly koeks -- a delicious kind of cake, at present, scarce known in this city, excepting in genuine dutch families; but which retains its pre-eminent station at the tea tables in Albany.

The tea was served out of a majestic delft tea- pot, ornamented with paintings of fat little dutch shepherds and shepherdesses, tending pigs -- with boats sailing in the air, and houses built in the clouds, and sundry other ingenious dutch fantasies. The beaux distinguished themselves by their adroit- ness in replenishing this pot, from a huge copper tea kettle, which would have made the pigmy ma- caronies of these degenerate days, sweat, merely to look at it. To sweeten the beverage, a lump of sugar was laid beside each cup -- and the company alternately nibbled and sipped with great decorum, until an improvement was introduced by a shrewd and economic old lady, which was to suspend a large lump directly over the tea table, by a string from the ceiling, so that it could be swung from mouth to mouth -- an ingenious expedient, which is still kept up by some families in Albany; but which prevails without exception, in Communipaw, Ber- gen, Flat-Bush, and all our uncontaminated dutch villages.

At these primitive tea-parties the utmost pro- priety and dignity of deportment prevailed. No flirting nor coquetting -- no gambling of old ladies nor hoyden chattering and romping of young ones -- No self satisfied struttings of wealthy gentlemen with their brains in their pockets -- nor amusing conceits, and monkey divertisements of smart young gentlemen, with no brains at all. On the contrary, the young ladies seated themselves demurely in their rush-bottomed chairs, and knit their own woollen stockings; nor ever opened their lips, ex- cepting to say yah Mynher, or yah, ya Vrouw, to any question that was asked them; behaving in all things, like decent, well educated damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of them tranquilly smoked his pipe, and seemed lost in contemplation of the blue and white tiles, with which the fire-places were de- corated; wherein sundry passages of scripture, were piously pourtrayed -- Tobit and his dog figur- ed to great advantage; Haman swung conspicu- ously on his gibbet, and Jonah appeared most man- fully bouncing out of the whale, like Harlequin through a barrel of fire.

The parties broke up without noise and without confusion -- for, strange as it may seem, the ladies and gentlemen were content to take their own cloaks and shawls and hats; not dreaming, simple souls! of the ingenious system of exchange established in modern days; by which those who first leave a party are authorized to choose the best shawl or hat they can find -- a custom which has doubtless arisen in consequence of our commercial habits. They were carried home by their own carriages, that is to say, by the vehicles nature had provided them, excepting such of the wealthy, as could afford to keep a waggon. The gentlemen gallantly attended their fair ones to their respective abodes, and took leave of them with a hearty smack at the door: which as it was an established piece of etiquette, done in perfect simplicity and honesty of heart, oc- casioned no scandal at that time, nor should it at the present -- if our great grandfathers approved of the custom, it would argue a great want of rever- ence in their descendants to say a word against it.

[23] This house has been several times repaired, and at present is a small yellow brick house, No. 23, Broad Street, with the gable end to the street, surmounted with an iron rod, on which, until within three or four years, a little iron ferry boat officiated as weather cock.

[24] This house has been several times repaired, and at present is a small yellow brick house, No. 23, Broad Street, with the gable end to the street, surmounted with an iron rod, on which, until within three or four years, a little iron ferry boat officiated as weather cock.

CHAP IV.

Containing further particulars of the Golden Age, and what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman in the days of Walter the Doubter.

In this dulcet period of my history, when the beauteous island of Mannahata presented a scene, the very counterpart of those glowing pictures drawn by old Hesiod of the golden reign of Saturn, there was a happy ignorance, an honest simplicity preva- lent among its inhabitants, which were I even able to depict, would be but little understood by the de- generate age for which I am doomed to write. Even the female sex, those arch innovaters upon the tranquillity, the honesty, and grey-beard customs of society, seemed for a while to conduct themselves with incredible sobriety and comeliness, and indeed behaved almost as if they had not been sent into the world, to bother mankind, baffle philosophy, and confound the universe.

Their hair untortured by the abominations of art, was scrupulously pomatomed back from their fore- heads with a candle, and covered with a little cap of quilted calico, which fitted exactly to their heads. Their petticoats of linsey woolsey, were striped with a variety of gorgeous dyes, rivalling the many co- loured robes of Iris -- though I must confess these gallant garments were rather short, scarce reaching below the knee; but then they made up in the number, which generally equalled that of the gen- tlemen's small clothes; and what is still more praise- worthy, they were all of their own manufacture -- of which circumstance, as may well be supposed, they were not a little vain.

These were the honest days, in which every woman staid at home, read the bible and wore pockets -- aye, and that too of a goodly size, fashion- ed with patch-work into many curious devices, and ostentatiously worn on the outside. These in fact, were convenient receptacles, where all good house- wives carefully stored away such things as they wished to have at hand; by which means they often came to be incredibly crammed -- and I remember there was a story current when I was a boy, that the lady of Wouter Van Twiller, having occasion to empty her right pocket in search of a wooden ladle, the contents filled three corn baskets, and the utensil was at length discovered lying among some rubbish in one corner -- but we must not give too much faith to all these stories; the anecdotes of these remote periods being very subject to exaggera- tion.

Beside these notable pockets, they likewise wore scissars and pincushions suspended from their girdles by red ribbands, or among the more opulent and shewy classes, by brass and even silver chains -- indubitable tokens of thrifty housewives and indus- trious spinsters. I cannot say much in vindication of the shortness of the petticoats; it doubtless was introduced for the purpose of giving the stockings a chance to be seen, which were generally of blue worsted with magnificent red clocks -- or perhaps to display a well turned ankle, and a neat, though serviceable foot; set off by a high-heel'd leathern shoe, with a large and splendid silver buckle. Thus we find, that the gentle sex in all ages, have shewn the same disposition to infringe a little upon the laws of decorum, in order to betray a lurking beauty, or gratify an innocent love of finery.

From the sketch here given it will be seen, that our good grandmothers differed considerably in their ideas of a fine figure, from their scantily dressed descendants of the present day. A fine lady, in those times, waddled under more clothes even on a fair summer's day, than would have clad the whole bevy of a modern ball room. Nor were they the less admired by the gentlemen in conse- quence thereof. On the contrary, the greatness of a lover's passion seemed to encrease in proportion to the magnitude of its object -- and a voluminous damsel, arrayed in a dozen of petticoats, was de- clared by a low-dutch sonnetteer of the province, to be radiant as a sunflower, and luxuriant as a full blown cabbage. Certain it is, that in those days, the heart of a lover could not contain more than one lady at a time; whereas the heart of a modern gallant has often room enough to accommodate half a dozen -- The reason of which I conclude to be, either that the hearts of the gentlemen have grown larger, or the persons of the ladies smaller -- this however is a question for physiologists to determine.

But there was a secret charm in these petticoats, which no doubt entered into the consideration of the prudent gallant. The wardrobe of a lady was in those days her only fortune; and she who had a good stock of petticoats and stockings, was as absolutely an heiress, as is a Kamschatka damsel with a store of bear skins, or a Lapland belle with a plenty of rein deer. The ladies therefore, were very anxious to display these powerful attractions to the greatest advantage; and the best rooms in the house instead of being adorned with caricatures of dame nature, in water colours and needle work, were always hung round with abundance of home- spun garments; the manufacture and property of the females -- a piece of laudable ostentation that still prevails among the heiresses of our dutch villages. Such were the beauteous belles of the ancient city of New Amsterdam, rivalling in pri- mæval simplicity of manners, the renowned and courtly dames, so loftily sung by Dan Homer -- who tells us that the princess Nausicaa, washed the family linen, and the fair Penelope wove her own petticoats.

The gentlemen in fact, who figured in the circles of the gay world in these ancient times, corresponded in most particulars, with the beauteous damsels whose smiles they were ambitious to deserve. True it is, their merits would make but a very in- considerable impression, upon the heart of a modern fair; they neither drove in their curricles nor sport- ed their tandems, for as yet those gaudy vehicles were not even dreamt of -- neither did they distin- guish themselves by their brilliance at the table, and their consequent rencoutres with watchmen, for our forefathers were of too pacific a disposition to need those guardians of the night, every soul throughout the town being in full snore before nine o'clock. Neither did they establish their claims by gentility at the expense of their taylors -- for as yet those offenders against the pockets of society, and the tranquillity of all aspiring young gentlemen, were unknown in New Amsterdam; every good house- wife made the clothes of her husband and family, and even the goede vrouw of Van Twiller himself, thought it no disparagement to cut out her husband's linsey woolsey galligaskins.

Not but what there were some two or three youngsters who manifested the first dawnings of what is called fire and spirit. Who held all la- bour in contempt; skulked about docks and market places; loitered in the sun shine; squandered what little money they could procure at hustle cap and chuck farthing, swore, boxed, fought cocks, and raced their neighbours' horses -- in short who pro- mised to be the wonder, the talk and abomination of the town, had not their stylish career been un- fortunately cut short, by an affair of honour with a whipping post.

Far other, however, was the truly fashionable gentleman of those days -- his dress, which served for both morning and evening, street and drawing room, was a linsey woolsey coat, made perhaps by the fair hands of the mistress of his affections, and gallantly bedecked with abundance of large brass buttons. -- Half a score of breeches heightened the proportions of his figure -- his shoes were decorat- ed by enormous copper buckles -- a low crowned broad brimmed hat overshadowed his burley visage, and his hair dangled down his back, in a prodigious queue of eel skin.

Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth with pipe in mouth to besiege some fair damsel's ob- durate heart -- not such a pipe, good reader, as that which Acis did sweetly tune in praise of his Gala- tea, but one of true delft manufacture and furnished with a charge of fragrant Cow-pen tobacco. With this would he resolutely set himself down before the fortress, and rarely failed in the process of time to smoke the fair enemy into a surrender, upon honourable terms.

Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller, celebrated in many a long forgotten song as the real golden age, the rest being nothing but counterfeit copper-washed coin. In that delightful period, a sweet and holy calm reigned over the whole province. The Burgomaster smoked his pipe in peace -- the substantial solace of his domes- tic house, his well petticoated yffrouw, after her daily cares were done, sat soberly at her door, with arms crossed over her apron of snowy white, with- out being insulted by ribald street walkers or vaga- bond boys -- those unlucky urchins, who do so infest our streets, displaying under the roses of youth, the thorns and briars of iniquity. Then it was that the lover with ten breeches and the damsel with petticoats of half a score indulged in all the inno- cent endearments of virtuous love, without fear and without reproach -- for what had that virtue to fear, which was defended by a shield of good linsey woolseys, equal at least to the seven bull hides of the invincible Ajax.

Thrice happy, and never to be forgotten age! when every thing was better than it has ever been since, or ever will be again -- when Buttermilk channel was quite dry at low water -- when the shad in the Hudson were all salmon, and when the moon shone with a pure and resplendent whiteness, instead of that melancholy yellow light, which is the consequence of her sickening at the abominations she every night witnesses in this degenerate city!

CHAP. V.

In which the reader is beguiled into a delectable walk, which ends very differently from what it com- menced.

In the year of our Lord, one thousand eight hundred and four, on a fine afternoon, in the mellow month of October, I took my customary walk upon the battery, which is at once the pride and bulwark of this ancient and impregnable city of New York. I remember well the season, for it immediately pre- ceded that remarkably cold winter, in which our sagacious corporation, in a spasm of economical philanthropy, pulled to pieces, at an expense of se- veral hundred dollars, the wooden ramparts, which had cost them several thousand; and distributed the rotten fragments, which were worth considera- bly less than nothing, among the shivering poor of the city -- never, since the fall of the walls of Jeri- cho, or the heaven built battlements of Troy, had there been known such a demolition -- nor did it go unpunished; five men, eleven old women and nine- teen children, besides cats, dogs and negroes, were blinded, in vain attempts to smoke themselves warm, with this charitable substitute for firewood, and an epidemic complaint of sore eyes was moreover pro- duced, which has since recurred every winter; par- ticularly among those who undertake to burn rotten logs -- who warm themselves with the charity of others -- or who use patent chimnies.

On the year and month just designated, did I take my accustomed walk of meditation, on that same battery, which, though at present, no battery, furnishes the most delightful walk, and commands the noblest prospect, in the whole known world. The ground on which I trod was hallowed by re- collections of the past, and as I slowly wandered through the long alleys of poplars, which, like so many birch brooms standing on end, diffused a me- lancholy and lugubrious shade, my imagination drew a contrast between the surrounding scenery, and what it was in the classic days of our fore- fathers. Where the government house by name, but the custom house by occupation, proudly rear- ed its brick walls and wooden pillars; there whilome stood the low but substantial, red tiled mansion of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller. Around it the mighty bulwarks of fort Amsterdam frowned defiance to every absent foe; but, like many a whis- kered warrior and gallant militia captain, confined their martial deeds to frowns alone -- alas! those threatening bulwarks had long since been sapped by time, and like the walls of Carthage, presented no traces to the enquiring eye of the antiquarian. The mud breast works had long been levelled with the earth, and their scite converted into the green lawns and leafy alleys of the battery; where the gay ap- prentice sported his sunday coat, and the laborious mechanic, relieved from the dirt and drudgery of the week, poured his septennial tale of love into the half averted ear of the sentimental chambermaid. The capacious bay still presented the same expan- sive sheet of water, studded with islands, sprinkled with fishing boats, and bounded by shores of pic- turesque beauty. But the dark forests which once clothed these shores had been violated by the savage hand of cultivation, and their tangled mazes, and impracticable thickets, had degenerated into teeming orchards and waving fields of grain. Even Governors Island, once a smiling garden, apper- taining to the sovereigns of the province, was now covered with fortifications, inclosing a tremendous block house -- so that this once peaceful island re- sembled a fierce little warrior in a big cocked hat, breathing gunpowder and defiance to the world!

For some time did I indulge in this pensive train of thought; contrasting in sober sadness, the pre- sent day, with the hallowed years behind the moun- tains; lamenting the melancholy progress of im- provement, and praising the zeal, with which our worthy burghers endeavour to preserve the wrecks of venerable customs, prejudices and errors, from the overwhelming tide of modern innovation -- when by degrees my ideas took a different turn, and I insensibly awakened to an enjoyment of the beauties around me.

It was one of those rich autumnal days which heaven particularly bestows upon the beauteous island of Mannahata and its vicinity -- not a float- ing cloud obscured the azure firmament -- the sun, rolling in glorious splendour through his ethe- rial course, seemed to expand his honest dutch countenance into an unusual expression of benevo- lence, as he smiled his evening salutation upon a city, which he delights to visit with his most boun- teous beams -- the very winds seemed to hold in their breaths in mute attention, lest they should ruffle the tranquillity of the hour -- and the wave- less bosom of the bay presented a polished mirror, in which nature beheld herself and smiled! -- The standard of our city, which, like a choice handker- chief, is reserved for days of gala, hung motionless on the flag staff, which forms the handle to a gigan- tic churn; and even the tremulous leaves of the poplar and the aspen, which, like the tongues of the immortal sex, are seldom still, now ceased to vi- brate to the breath of heaven. Every thing seemed to acquiesce in the profound repose of nature. -- The formidable eighteen pounders slept in the em- brazures of the wooden batteries, seemingly gather- ing fresh strength, to fight the battles of their coun- try on the next fourth of July -- the solitary drum on Governor's island forgot to call the garrison to their shovels -- the evening gun had not yet sounded its signal, for all the regular, well meaning poultry throughout the country, to go to roost; and the fleet of canoes, at anchor between Gibbet Island and Communipaw, slumbered on their rakes, and suffered the innocent oysters to lie for a while un- molested, in the soft mud of their native banks! -- My own feelings sympathized in the contagious tranquillity, and I should infallibly have dozed up- on one of those fragments of benches, which our benevolent magistrates have provided for the bene- fit of convalescent loungers, had not the extraordi- nary inconvenience of the couch set all repose at defiance.

In the midst of this soothing slumber of the soul, my attention was attracted to a black speck, peering above the western horizon, just in the rear of Ber- gen steeple -- gradually it augments and overhangs the would-be cities of Jersey, Harsimus and Hobo- ken, which, like three jockies, are starting cheek by jowl on the career of existence, and jostling each other at the commencement of the race. Now it skirts the long shore of ancient Pavonia, spreading its wide shadows from the high settlements at Wee- hawk quite to the lazaretto and quarentine, erected by the sagacity of our police, for the embarrassment of commerce -- now it climbs the serene vault of heaven, cloud rolling over cloud, like successive bil- lows, shrouding the orb of day, darkening the vast expanse, and bearing thunder and hail, and tempest in its bosom. The earth seems agitated at the con- fusion of the heavens -- the late waveless mirror is lashed into furious waves, that roll their broken surges in hollow murmurs to the shore -- the oyster boats that erst sported in the placid vicinity of Gib- bet Island, now hurry affrighted to the shore -- the late dignified, unbending poplar, writhes and twists, before the merciless blast -- descending torrents of drenching rain and sounding hail deluge the battery walks, the gates are thronged by 'prentices, servant maids and little Frenchmen, with their pocket handkerchiefs over their hats, scampering from the storm -- the late beauteous prospect presents one scene of anarchy and wild uproar, as though old chaos had resumed his reign, and was hurling back into one vast turmoil, the conflicting elements of nature. Fancy to yourself, oh reader! the awful combat sung by old Hesiod, of Jupiter, and the Titans -- fancy to yourself the long rebellowing ar- tillery of heaven, streaming at the heads of the gi- gantic sons of earth. -- In short, fancy to yourself all that has ever been said or sung, of tempest, storm and hurricane -- and you will save me the trouble of describing it.

Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or remained boldly at my post, as our gallant train band captains, who march their soldiers through the rain without flinching, are points which I leave to the conjecture of the reader. It is possible he may be a little perplexed also, to know the reason why I introduced this most tremendous and un- heard of tempest, to disturb the serenity of my work. On this latter point I will gratuitously in- struct his ignorance. The panorama view of the battery was given, merely to gratify the reader with a correct description of that celebrated place, and the parts adjacent -- secondly, the storm was played off, partly to give a little bustle and life to this tranquil part of my work, and to keep my drowsy readers from falling asleep -- and partly to serve as a preparation, or rather an overture, to the tempes- tuous times, that are about to assail the pacific province of Nieuw Nederlandt -- and that over-hang the slumbrous administration of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller. It is thus the experienced play-wright puts all the fiddles, the french horns, the kettle drums and trumpets of his orchestra in requisition, to usher in one of those horrible and brimstone uproars, called Melodrames -- and it is thus he discharges his thunder, his lightening, his rosin and saltpetre, preparatory to the raising of a ghost, or the murdering of a hero -- We will now proceed with our history.

Whatever Plato, Aristotle, Grotius, Puffendorf, Sydney, Thomas Jefferson or Tom Paine may say to the contrary, I insist that, as to nations, the old maxim that "honesty is the best policy," is a sheer and ruinous mistake. It might have answered well enough in the honest times when it was made; but in these degenerate days, if a nation pretends to rely merely upon the justice of its dealings, it will fare something like an honest man among thieves, who unless he has something more than his honest to depend upon, stands but a poor chance of profiting by his company. Such at least was the case with the guileless government of the New Netherlands; which, like a worthy unsuspicious old burgher, quietly settled itself down into the city of New Am- sterdam, as into a snug elbow chair -- and fell into a comfortable nap -- while in the mean time its cunning neighbours stepp'd in and picked its pockets. Thus may we acribe the commencement of all the woes of this great province, and its magnificent metro- polis, to the tranquil security, or to speak more accurately, to the unfortunate honesty of its govern- ment. But as I dislike to begin an important part of my history, towards the end of a chapter; and as my readers like myself must doubtless be ex- ceedingly fatigued with the long walk we have taken, and the tempest we have sustained -- I hold it meet we shut up the book, smoke a pipe and having thus refreshed our spirits; take a fair start in the next chapter.

CHAP. VI.

Faithfully describing the ingenious people of Con- necticut and thereabouts -- Shewing moreover the true meaning of liberty of conscience, and a curi- ous device among these sturdy barbarians, to keep up a harmony of intercourse and promote popu- lation.

That my readers may the more fully compre- hend the extent of the calamity, at this very mo- ment impending over the honest, unsuspecting pro- vince of Nieuw Nederlandts, and its dubious Gover- nor, it is necessary that I should give some account of a horde of strange barbarians, bordering upon the eastern frontier.

Now so it came to pass, that many years previ- ous to the time of which we are treating, the sage cabinet of England had adopted a certain national creed, a kind of public walk of faith, or rather a religious turnpike in which every loyal subject was directed to travel to Zion -- taking care to pay the toll gatherers by the way.

Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being very much given to indulge their own opinions, on all manner of subjects (a propensity, exceedingly ob- noxious to your free governments of Europe) did most presumptuously dare to think for themselves in matters of religion, exercising what they consider- ed a natural and unextinguishable right -- the liberty of conscience.

As however they possessed that ingenious habit of mind which always thinks aloud; which in a man- ner rides cock-a-hoop on the tongue, and is forever galloping into other people's ears, it naturally follow- ed that their liberty of conscience likewise implied liberty of speech, which being freely indulged, soon put the country in a hubbub, and aroused the pious indignation of the vigilant fathers of the church.

The usual methods were adopted to reclaim them, that in those days were considered so effica- cious in bringing back stray sheep to the fold; that is to say, they were coaxed, they were admo- nished, they were menaced, they were buffeted -- line upon line, precept upon precept, lash upon lash, here a little and there a great deal, were exhaust- ed without mercy, but without success; until at length the worthy pastors of the church wearied out by their unparalleled stubbornness, were driven in the excess of their tender mercy, to adopt the scripture text, and literally "heaped live embers on their heads."

Nothing however could subdue that invincible spirit of independence which has ever distinguished this singular race of people, so that rather than sub- mit to such horrible tyranny, they one and all em- barked for the wilderness of America, where they might enjoy unmolested, the inestimable luxury of talking. No sooner did they land on this loquaci- ous soil, than as if they had caught the disease from the climate, they all lifted up their voices at once, and for the space of one whole year, did keep up such a joyful clamour, that we are told they frightened every bird and beast out of the neigh- bourhood, and so completely dumb-founded cer- tain fish, which abound on their coast, that they have been called dumb-fish ever since.

From this simple circumstance, unimportant as it may seem, did first originate that renowned privilege so loudly boasted of throughout this country -- which is so eloquently exercised in news- papers, pamphlets, ward meetings, pot-house com- mittees and congressional deliberations -- which es- tablishes the right of talking without ideas and without information -- of misrepresenting public af- fairs; of decrying public measures -- of aspersing great characters, and destroying little ones; in short, that grand palladium of our country, the liberty of speech; or as it has been more vulgarly denominated -- the gift of the gab.

The simple aborigenes of the land for a while contemplated these strange folk in utter astonish- ment, but discovering that they wielded harmless though noisy weapons, and were a lively, ingenious, good-humoured race of men, they became very friendly and sociable, and gave them the name of Yanokies, which in the Mais-Tchusaeg (or Massa- chusett) language signifies silent men -- a waggish appellation, since shortened into the familiar epithet of Yankees, which they retain unto the present day.

True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will not allow me to pass it over in silence, that the zeal of these good people, to maintain their rights and privileges unimpaired, did for a while betray them into errors, which it is easier to pardon than de- fend. Having served a regular apprenticeship in the school of persecution, it behoved them to shew that they had become proficients in the art. They accordingly employed their leisure hours in banish- ing, scourging or hanging, divers heretical papists, quakers and anabaptists, for daring to abuse the liberty of conscience; which they now clearly prov- ed to imply nothing more, than that every man should think as he pleased in matters of religion -- provided he thought right; for otherwise it would be giving a latitude to damnable heresies. Now as they (the majority) were perfectly convinced that they alone thought right, it consequently followed, that whoever thought different from them though wrong -- and whoever thought wrong and obstinate- ly persisted in not being convinced and converted, was a flagrant violater of the inestimable liberty of conscience, and a corrupt and infectious member of the body politic, and deserved to be lopped off and cast into the fire.

Now I'll warrant, there are hosts of my rea- ders, ready at once to lift up their hands and eyes, with that virtuous indignation with which we al- ways contemplate the faults and errors of our neighbours, and to exclaim at these well meaning but mistaken people, for inflicting on others the in- juries they had suffered themselves -- for indulging the preposterous idea of convincing the mind by toasting the carcass, and establishing the doctrine of charity and forbearance, by intolerant persecu- tion. -- But soft you, my very captious sirs! what are we doing at this very day, and in this very en- lightened nation, but acting upon the very same principle, in our political controversies. Have we not within but a few years released ourselves from the shackles of a government, which cruelly denied us the privilege of governing ourselves, and using in full latitude that invaluable member, the tongue? and are we not at this very moment striving our best to tyrannise over the opinions, tie up the tongues, or ruin the fortunes of one another? What are our great political societies, but mere political inquisitions -- our pot-house committees, but little tribunals of denunciation -- our news-papers but mere whipping posts and pillories, where unfortu- nate individuals are pelted with rotten eggs -- and our council of appointment -- but a grand auto de fé, where culprits are annually sacrificed for their po- litical heresies?

Where then is the difference in principle be- tween our measures and those you are so ready to condemn among the people I am treating of? There is none; the difference is merely circumstantial. -- Thus we denounce, instead of banishing -- We libel instead of scourging -- we turn out of office instead of hanging -- and where they burnt an offender in propria personæ -- we either tar and feather or burn him in effigy -- this political persecution being, some how or other, the grand palladium of our liberties, and an incontrovertible proof that this is a free country!

But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which this holy war was prosecuted against the whole race of unbelievers, we do not find that the population of this new colony was in any wise hindered thereby; on the contrary they multiplied to a degree, which would be incredible to any man unacquainted with the marvellous fecundity of this growing country.

This amazing increase, may indeed be partly ascribed to a singular custom prevalent among them, and which was probably borrowed from the ancient republic of Sparta; where we are told the young ladies, either from being great romps and hoydens, or else like many modern heroines, very fond of med- dling with matters that did not appertain to their sex, used frequently to engage with the men, in wrestling, and other athletic exercises of the gym- nasium. The custom to which I allude was vul- garly known by the name of bundling -- a supersti- tious rite observed by the young people of both sexes, with which they usually terminated their fes- tivities; and which was kept up with religious strictness, by the more bigoted and vulgar part of the community. This ceremony was like- wise, in those primitive times considered as an in- dispensible preliminary to matrimony; their court- ships commencing, where ours usually finish -- by which means they acquired that intimate acquain- tance with each others good qualities before mar- riage, that has been pronounced by philosophers the sure basis of a happy union. Thus early did this cunning and ingenious people, display a shrewd- ness at making a bargain which has ever since dis- tinguished them -- and a strict adherence to the good old vulgar maxim about "buying a pig in a poke."

To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chief- ly attribute the unparalleled increase of the yanokie or yankee tribe; for it is a certain fact, well authen- ticated by court records and parish registers, that wherever the practice of bundling prevailed, there was an amazing number of sturdy brats an- nually born unto the state, without the license of the law, or the benefit of clergy; and it is truly aston- ishing that the learned Malthus, in his treatise on population, has entirely overlooked this singular fact. Neither did the irregularity of their birth operate in the least to their disparagement. On the contrary they grew up a long sided, raw boned, hardy race of whoreson whalers, wood cutters, fish- ermen and pedlars, and strapping corn-fed wenches; who by their united efforts tended marvellously to- wards populating those notable tracts of country, called Nantucket, Piscataway and Cape Cod.

CHAP. VII.

How these singular barbarians turned out to be notorious squatters. How they built air castles, and attempted to initiate the Nederlanders in the mystery of bundling.

In the last chapter, my honest little reader, I have given thee a faithful and unprejudiced account, of the origin of that singular race of people, inhabit- ing the country eastward of the Nieuw Nederlandts; but I have yet to mention certain peculiar habits which rendered them exceedingly obnoxious to our ever honoured dutch ancestors.

The most prominent of these was a certain rambling propensity, with which, like the sons of Ishmael, they seem to have been gifted by heaven, and which continually goads them on, to shift their residence from place to place, so that a Yankey farmer is in a constant state of migration; tarrying occasionally here and there; clearing lands for other people to enjoy, building houses for others to inhabit, and in a manner may be considered the wandering Arab of America.

His first thought, on coming to the years of manhood, is to settle himself in the world -- which means nothing more nor less than to begin his ram- bles. To this end he takes unto himself for a wife, some dashing country heiress; that is to say, a buxom rosy cheeked wench, passing rich in red ribbands, glass beads and mock tortoise-shell combs, with a white gown and morocco shoes for Sunday, and deeply skilled in the mystery of making apple sweetmeats, long sauce and pumpkin pie.

Having thus provided himself, like a true pedlar with a heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoulders through the journey of life, he literally sets out on the peregrination. His whole family, household furniture and farming utensils are hoisted into a covered cart; his own and his wife's ward- robe packed up in a firkin -- which done, he shoulders his axe, takes staff in hand, whistles "yankee doodle" and trudges off to the woods, as confident of the protection of providence, and relying as cheerfully upon his own resources, as did ever a patriarch of yore, when he journeyed into a strange country of the Gentiles. Having buried himself in the wilderness, he builds himself a log hut, clears away a cornfield and potatoe patch, and, providence smiling upon his labours, is soon sur- rounded by a snug farm and some half a score of flaxen headed urchins, who by their size, seem to have sprung all at once out of the earth, like a crop of toad-stools.

But it is not the nature of this most indefatiga- ble of speculators, to rest contented with any state of sublunary enjoyment -- improvement is his darling passion, and having thus improved his lands the next care is to provide a mansion worthy the resi- dence of a land holder. A huge palace of pine boards immediately springs up in the midst of the wilderness, large enough for a parish church, and furnished with windows of all dimensions, but so rickety and flimsy withal, that every blast gives it a fit of the ague.

By the time the outside of this mighty air cas- tle is completed, either the funds or the zeal of our adventurer are exhausted, so that he barely mana- ges to half finish one room within, where the whole family burrow together -- while the rest of the house is devoted to the curing of pumpkins, or storing of carrots and potatoes, and is decorated with fanciful festoons of wilted peaches and dried apples. The outside remaining unpainted, grows venerably black with time: the family wardrobe is laid under con- tribution for old hats, petticoats and breeches to stuff into the broken windows, while the four winds of heaven keep up a whistling and howling about this aerial palace, and play as many unruly gam- bols, as they did of yore, in the cave of old Eolus.

The humble log hut, which whilome nestled this improving family snugly within its narrow but comfortable walls, stands hard by in ignominious contrast, degraded into a cow house or pig stye; and the whole scene reminds one forcibly of a fa- ble, which I am surprised has never been recorded, of an aspiring snail who quit his humble habitation which he filled with great respectability, to crawl into the empty shell of a lobster -- where he would no doubt have resided with great style and splen- dour, the envy and hate of all the pains-taking snails of his neighbourhood, had he not accidentally perished with cold, in one corner of his stupendous mansion.

Being thus completely settled, and to use his own words, "to rights," one would imagine that he would begin to enjoy the comforts of his situa- tion, to read newspapers, talk politics, neglect his own business, and attend to the affairs of the nation, like a useful and patriotic citizen; but now it is that his wayward disposition begins again to operate. He soon grows tired of a spot, where there is no longer any room for improvement -- sells his farm, air castle, petticoat windows and all, reloads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts himself at the head of his family, and wanders away in search of new lands -- again to fell trees -- again to clear corn- fields -- again to build a shingle palace, and again to sell off, and wander.

Such were the people of Connecticut, who bor- dered upon the eastern frontier of Nieuw Neder- landts, and my readers may easily imagine what obnoxious neighbors this light hearted but restless tribe must have been to our tranquil progenitors. If they cannot, I would ask them, if they have ever known one of our regular, well organized, antedi- luvian dutch families, whom it hath pleased heaven to afflict with the neighbourhood of a French board- ing house. The honest old burgher cannot take his afternoon's pipe, on the bench before his door, but he is persecuted with the scraping of fiddles, the chattering of women, and the squalling of chil- dren -- he cannot sleep at night for the horrible me- lodies of some amateur, who chooses to serenade the moon, and display his terrible proficiency in execution, by playing demisemiquavers in alt on the clarionet, the hautboy, or some other soft toned in- strument -- nor can he leave the street door open, but his house is defiled by the unsavoury visits of a troop of pug dogs, who even sometimes carry their loathsome ravages into the sanctum sanctorum, the parlour!

If my readers have ever witnessed the sufferings of such a family, so situated, they may form some idea, how our worthy ancestors were distressed by their mercurial neighbours of Connecticut.

Gangs of these marauders we are told, pene- trated into the New Netherland settlements and threw whole villages into consternation by their unparalleled volubility and their intolerable inquisi- tiveness -- two evil habits hitherto unknown in those parts, or only known to be abhorred; for our an- cestors were noted, as being men of truly spartan taciturnity, and who neither knew nor cared aught about any body's concerns but their own. Many enormities were committed on the high ways, where several unoffending burghers were brought to a stand, and so tortured with questions and guesses, that it was a miracle they escaped with their five senses.

Great jealousy did they likewise stir up, by their intermeddling and successes among the divine sex; for being a race of brisk, likely, pleasant tongued varlets, they soon seduced the light affections of the simple damsels, from their honest but ponder- ous dutch gallants. Among other hideous customs they attempted to introduce among them that of bundling, which the dutch lasses of the Neder- landts, with that eager passion for novelty and fo- reign fashions, natural to their sex, seemed very well inclined to follow, but that their mothers, be- ing more experienced in the world, and better ac- quainted with men and things strenuously discoun- tenanced all such outlandish innovations.

But what chiefly operated to embroil our an- cestors with these strange folk, was an unwarrant- able liberty which they occasionally took, of enter- ing in hordes into the territories of the New Netherlands, and settling themselves down, without leave or licence, to improve the land, in the manner I have before noticed. This unceremonious mode of taking possession of new land was technically termed squatting, and hence is derived the appella- tion of squatters; a name odious in the ears of all great landholders, and which is given to those enter- prizing worthies, who seize upon land first, and take their chance to make good their title to it afterwards.

All these grievances, and many others which were constantly accumulating, tended to form that dark and portentous cloud, which as I observed in a former chapter, was slowly gathering over the tranquil province of New Netherlands. The pa- cific cabinet of Van Twiller, however, as will be perceived in the sequel, bore them all with a mag- nanimity that redounds to their immortal credit -- becoming by passive endurance inured to this in- creasing mass of wrongs; like the sage old woman of Ephesus, who by dint of carrying about a calf, from the time it was born, continued to carry it without difficulty, when it had grown to be an ox.

CHAP. VIII.

How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearfully beleaguer- ed -- how the renowned Wouter fell into a pro- found doubt, and how he finally evaporated.

By this time my readers must fully perceive, what an arduous task I have undertaken -- collect- ing and collating with painful minuteness, the chro- nicles of past times, whose events almost defy the powers of research -- raking in a little kind of Her- culaneum of history, which had lain nearly for ages, buried under the rubbish of years, and almost totally forgotten -- raking up the limbs and frag- ments of disjointed facts, and endeavouring to put them scrupulously together, so as to restore them to their original form and connection -- now lugging forth the character of an almost forgotten hero, like a mutilated statue -- now decyphering a half defaced inscription, and now lighting upon a mouldering manuscript, which after painful study, scarce repays the trouble of perusal.

In such case how much has the reader to depend upon the honour and probity of his author, lest like a cunning antiquarian, he either impose upon him some spurious fabrication of his own, for a precious relique from antiquity -- or else dress up the dis- membered fragment, with such false trappings, that it is scarcely possible to distinguish the truth from the fiction with which it is enveloped. This is a grievance which I have more than once had to la- ment, in the course of my wearisome researches among the works of my fellow historians; who have strangely disguised and distorted the facts respect- ing this country; and particularly respecting the great province of New Netherlands; as will be perceived by any who will take the trouble to com- pare their romantic effusions, tricked out in the meretricious gauds of fable, with this excellent lit- tle history -- universally to be renowned for its se- vere simplicity and unerring truth.

I have had more vexations of the kind to en- counter, in those parts of my history which treat of the transactions on the eastern border, than in any other, in consequence of the troops of histo- rians who have infested these quarters, and have shewn the honest people of New Nederlandt no mercy in their works. Among the rest, Mr. Benjamin Trumbull arrogantly declares that "the Dutch were always mere intruders." -- Now to this I shall make no other reply, than to proceed in the steady narration of my history, which will contain not only proofs that the Dutch had clear title and possession in the fair valleys of the Connecticut, and that they were wrongfully dispossessed there- of -- but likewise that they have been scandalously maltreated ever since, by the misrepresentations of the crafty historians of New England. And in this I shall be guided by a spirit of truth and impar- tiality, and a regard to my immortal fame -- for I would not wittingly dishonour my work by a single falsehood, misrepresentation or prejudice, though it should gain our forefathers the whole coun- try of New England.

It was at an early period of the province, and pre- vious to the arrival of the renowned Wouter -- that the cabinet of Nieuw Nederlandts purchased the lands about the Connecticut, and established, for their superintendance and protection, a fortified post on the banks of the river, which was called Fort Goed Hoop, and was situated hard by the present fair city of Hartford. The command of this important post, together with the rank, title, and appointments of commissary, were given in charge to the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, or as some historians will have it Van Curlis -- a most doughty soldier of that sto- machful class of which we have such numbers on pa- rade days -- who are famous for eating all they kill. He was of a very soldierlike appearance, and would have been an exceeding tall man, had his legs been in proportion to his body; but the latter being long, and the former uncommonly short, it gave him the uncouth appearance of a tall man's body, mounted upon a little man's legs. He made up for this turn- spit construction of body by throwing his legs to such an extent when he marched, that you would have sworn he had on the identical seven league boots of the farfamed Jack the giant killer; and so astonishingly high did he tread on any great milita- ry occasion, that his soldiers were oft times alarm- ed, lest the little man should trample himself under foot.

But notwithstanding the erection of this fort, and the appointment of this ugly little man of war as a commander, the intrepid Yankees, continued those daring interlopings which I have hinted at in my last chapter; and taking advantage of the character which the cabinet of Wouter Van Twil- ler soon acquired, for profound and phlegmatic tranquillity -- did audaciously invade the territo- ries of the Nieuw Nederlandts, and squat them- selves down within the very jurisdiction of fort Goed Hoop.

On beholding this outrage, the long bodied Van Curlet proceeded as became a prompt and valiant officer. He immediately protested against these unwarrantable encroachments, in low dutch, by way of inspiring more terror, and forthwith dis- patched a copy of the protest to the governor at New Amsterdam, together with a long and bitter account of the aggressions of the enemy. This done, he ordered his men, one and all to be of good cheer -- shut the gate of the fort, smoked three pipes, went to bed and awaited the result with a resolute and intrepid tranquillity, that greatly ani mated his adherents, and no doubt struck sore dis- may and affright into the hearts of the enemy.

Now it came to pass, that about this time, the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and honours, and council dinners, had reached that pe- riod of life and faculty which, according to the great Gulliver, entitle a man to admission into the ancient order of Struldbruggs. He employed his time in smoking his turkish pipe, amid an as- semblage of sages, equally enlightened, and nearly as venerable as himself, and who for their silence, their gravity, their wisdom, and their cautious averseness to coming to any conclusion in business, are only to be equalled by certain profound cor- porations which I have known in my time. Upon reading the protest of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet therefore, his excellency fell straightway into one of the deepest doubts that ever he was known to encounter; his capacious head gradually drooped on his chest,25 he closed his eyes and inclined his ear to one side, as if listening with great attention to the discussion that was going on in his belly; which all who knew him, declared to be the huge court-house, or council chamber of his thoughts; forming to his head what the house of representa- tives does to the senate. An inarticulate sound, very much resembling a snore, occasionally escap- ed him -- but the nature of this internal cogitation, was never known, as he never opened his lips on the subject to man, woman or child. In the mean time, the protest of Van Curlet laid quietly on the ta- ble, where it served to light the pipes of the venerable sages assembled in council; and in the great smoke which they raised, the gallant Jacobus, his protest, and his mighty Fort Goed Hoop, were soon as completely beclouded and forgotten, as is a ques- tion of emergency swallowed up in the speeches and resolutions of a modern session of congress.

There are certain emergencies when your pro- found legislators and sage deliberative councils, are mightily in the way of a nation; and when an ounce of hair-brained decision, is worth a pound of sage doubt, and cautious discussion. Such at least was the case at present; for while the renowned Wouter Van Twiller was daily battling with his doubts, and his resolution growing weaker and weaker in the contest, the enemy pushed further and further into his territories, and assumed a most formidable appearance in the neighbourhood of Fort Goed Hoop. Here they founded the mighty town of Pyquag, or as it has since been called Weathersfield, a place which, if we may credit the assertions of that worthy historian John Josselyn, Gent. "hath been infamous by reason of the witches therein." -- And so daring did these men of Pyquag become, that they extended those plantations of onions, for which their town is illustrious, under the very noses of the garrison of Fort Goed Hoop -- insomuch that the honest dutchmen could not look toward that quarter, without tears in their eyes.

This crying injustice was regarded with proper indignation by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet. He absolutely trembled with the amazing violence of his choler and the exacerbations of his valour; which seemed to be the more turbulent in their workings, from the length of the body, in which they were agitated. He forthwith proceeded to strengthen his redoubts, heighten his breastworks, deepen his fosse, and fortify his position with a double row of abbatis; after which valiant precau- tions, he with unexampled intrepidity, dispatched a fresh courier with tremendous accounts of his peri- lous situation. Never did the modern hero, who immortalized himself at the second Sabine war, shew greater valour in the art of letter writing, or distinguish himself more gloriously upon paper, than the heroic Van Curlet.

The courier chosen to bear these alarming dis- patches, was a fat, oily little man, as being least liable to be worn out, or to lose leather on the jour- ney; and to insure his speed, he was mounted on the fleetest waggon horse in the garrison; remarkable for his length of limb, largeness of bone, and hard- ness of trot; and so tall, that the little messenger was obliged to climb on his back by means of his tail and crupper. Such extraordinary speed did he make, that he arrived at Fort Amsterdam in little less than a month, though the distance was full two hundred pipes, or about 120 miles.

The extraordinary appearance of this portentous stranger would have thrown the whole town of New Amsterdam into a quandary, had the good people troubled themselves about any thing more than their domestic affairs. With an appearance of great hurry and business, and smoking a short travelling pipe, he proceeded on a long swing trot through the muddy lanes of the metropolis, de- molishing whole batches of dirt pies, which the little dutch children were making in the road; and for which kind of pastry the children of this city have ever been famous -- On arriving at the governor's house he climbed down from his steed in great trepida- tion; roused the grey headed door keeper, old Skaats who like his lineal decendant, and faithful representa- tive, the venerable crier of our court, was nodding at his post -- rattled at the door of the council cham- ber, and startled the members as they were dozing over a plan for establishing a public market.

At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a deep drawn snore was heard from the chair of the governor; a whiff of smoke was at the same instant observed to escape from his lips, and a slight cloud to ascend from the bowl of his pipe. The council of course supposed him engaged in deep sleep for the good of the community, and according to cus- tom in all such cases established, every man bawled out silence, in order to maintain tranquillity; when of a sudden, the door flew open and the little cou- rier straddled into the apartment, cased to the middle in a pair of Hessian boots, which he had got into for the sake of expedition. In his right hand he held forth the ominous dispatches, and with his left he grasped firmly the waist-band of his galligaskins; which had unfortunately given way, in the exertion of descending from his horse. He stumped resolute- ly up to the governor, and with more hurry than perspicuity delivered his message. But fortunate- ly his ill tidings came too late, to ruffle the tran- quillity of this most tranquil of rulers. His venera- ble excellency had just breathed and smoked his last -- his lungs and his pipe having been exhausted together, and his peaceful soul, as Dan Homer would have said, having escaped in the last whiff that curled from his tobacco pipe. -- In a word the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, alias Walter the Doubter, who had so often slumbered with his co- temporaries, now slept with his fathers, and Wil- helmus Kieft governed in his stead. END OF BOOK III [25] "Perplexed with vast affairs of state and town, `His great head being overset, hangs down." Telecides, on Pericles.

BOOK IV. Containing the Chronicles of the reign of William the Testy.

CHAP. I.

Exposing the craftiness and artful devices of those arch Free Booters, the Book Makers, and their trusty Squires, the Book Sellers. Containing furthermore, the universal acquirements of Wil- liam the Testy, aud how a man may learn so much as to render himself good for nothing.

If ever I had my readers completely by the but- ton, it is at this moment. Here is a redoubtable fortress reduced to the greatest extremity; a valiant commander in a state of the most imminent jeopar- dy -- and a legion of implacable foes thronging upon every side. The sentimental reader is preparing to indulge his sympathies, and bewail the sufferings of the brave. The philosophic reader, to come with his first principles, and coolly take the dimensions and ascertain the proportions of great actions, like an antiquary, measuring a pyramid with a two-foot rule -- while the mere reader, for amusement, pro- mises to regale himself after the monotonous pages through which he has dozed, with murders, rapes, ravages, conflagrations, and all the other glorious incidents, that give eclat to victory, and grace the triumph of the conqueror.

Thus every reader must press forward -- he can- not refrain, if he has the least spark of curiosity in his disposition, from turning over the ensuing page. Having therefore gotten him fairly in my clutches -- what hinders me from indulging in a little recrea- tion, and varying the dull task of narrative by stul- tifying my readers with a drove of sober reflections about this, that and the other thing -- by pushing forward a few of my own darling opinions; or talk- ing a little about myself -- all which the reader will have to peruse, or else give up the book altogether, and remain in utter ignorance of the mighty deeds, and great events, that are contained in the sequel.

To let my readers into a great literary secret, your experienced writers, who wish to instil pecu- liar tenets, either in religion, politics or morals, do often resort to this expedient -- illustrating their fa- vourite doctrines by pleasing fictions on established facts -- -and so mingling historic truth, and subtle speculation together, that the unwary million never perceive the medley; but, running with open mouth, after an interesting story, are often made to swallow the most heterodox opinions, ridiculous theories, and abominable heresies. This is par- ticularly the case with the industrious advocates of the modern philosophy, and many an honest unsus- picious reader, who devours their works under an idea of acquiring solid knowledge, must not be sur- prised if, to use a pious quotation, he finds "his belly filled with the east wind."

This same expedient is likewise a literary artifice, by which one sober truth, like a patient and laborious pack horse, is made to carry a couple of pan- niers of rascally little conjectures on its back. In this manner books are encreased, the pen is kept going and trade flourishes; for if every writer were obliged to tell merely what he knew, there would soon be an end of great books, and Tom Thumb's folio would be considered as a gigantic production -- A man might then carry his library in his pocket, and the whole race of book makers, book printers, book binders and book sellers might starve together; but by being entitled to tell every thing he thinks, and every thing he does not think -- to talk about every thing he knows, or does not know -- to con- jecture, to doubt, to argue with himself, to laugh with and laugh at his reader, (the latter of which we writers do nine times out of ten -- in our sleeves) to indulge in hypotheses, to deal in dashes -- and stars **** and a thousand other innocent indul- gencies -- all these I say, do marvelously concur to fill the pages of books, the pockets of booksellers, and the hungry stomachs of authors -- do contribute to the amusement and edification of the reader, and redound to the glory, the encrease and the profit of the craft!

Having thus, therefore, given my readers the whole art and mystery of book making, they have nothing further to do, than to take pen in hand, set down and write a book for themselves -- while in the mean time I will proceed with my history, without claiming any of the privileges above re- cited.

Wilhelmus Kieft who in 1634 ascended the Gubernatorial chair, (to borrow a favourite, though clumsy appellation of modern phraseologists) was in form, feature and character, the very reverse of Wouter Van Twiller, his renowned predecessor. He was of very respectable descent, his father being Inspector of Windmills in the ancient town of Saardam; and our hero we are told made very curious investigations into the nature and operations of these machines when a little boy, which is one reason why he afterwards came to be so ingenious a governor. His name according to the most in- genious etymologists was a corruption of Kyver, that is to say a wrangler or scolder, and expressed the hereditary disposition of his family; which for nearly two centuries, had kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water, and produced more tartars and brimstones than any ten families in the place -- and so truly did Wilhelmus Kieft inherit this family endowment, that he had scarcely been a year in the discharge of his government, before he was univer- sally known by the appellation of William the Testy.

He was a brisk, waspish, little old gentleman, who had dried and wilted away, partly through the natural process of years, and partly from being parched and burnt up by his fiery soul; which blazed like a vehement rush light in his bosom, constantly inciting him to most valourous broils, altercations and misadventures. I have heard it observed by a profound and philosophical judge of human nature, that if a woman waxes fat as she grows old, the tenure of her life is very precarious, but if haply she wilts, she lives forever -- such like- wise was the case with William the Testy, who grew tougher in proportion as he dried. He was some such a little dutchman as we may now and then see, stumping briskly about the streets of our city, in a broad skirted coat, with buttons nearly as large as the shield of Ajax, which makes such a figure in Dan Homer, an old fashioned cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and a cane as high as his chin. His visage was broad, but his features sharp, his nose turned up with a most petulant curl; his cheeks, like the region of Terra del Fuego, were scorched into a dusky red -- doubtless in conse- quence of the neighbourhood of two fierce little grey eyes, through which his torrid soul beamed as fervently, as a tropical sun blazing through a pair of burning glasses. The corners of his mouth were curiously modeled into a kind of fret work, not a little resembling the wrinkled proboscis of an irri- table pug dog -- in a word he was one of the most positive, restless, ugly little men, that ever put himself in a passion about nothing.

Such were the personal endowments of Wil- liam the Testy, but it was the sterling riches of his mind that raised him to dignity and power. In his youth he had passed with great credit through a celebrated academy at the Hague, noted for pro- ducing finished scholars, with a dispatch unequal- led, except by certain of our American colleges, which seem to manufacture bachelors of arts, by some patent machine. Here he skirmished very smartly on the frontiers of several of the sciences, and made such a gallant inroad into the dead lan- guages, as to bring off captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, together with divers pithy saws and apothegms, all which he constantly pa- raded in conversation and writing, with as much vain glory as would a triumphant general of yore display the spoils of the countries he had ravaged. He had moreover puzzled himself considerably with logic, in which he had advanced so far as to attain a very familiar acquaintance, by name at least, with the whole family of syllogisms and di- lemmas; but what he chiefly valued himself on, was his knowledge of metaphysics, in which, hav- ing once upon a time ventured too deeply, he came well nigh being smothered in a slough of unintelligi- ble learning -- a fearful peril, from the effects of which he never perfectly recovered. -- In plain words, like many other profound intermeddlers in this abstruse bewildering science, he so confused his brain, with abstract speculations which he could not comprehend, and artificial distinctions which he could not realize, that he could never think clearly on any subject however simple, through the whole course of his life afterwards. This I must confess was in some measure a misfortune, for he never engaged in argument, of which he was exceeding fond, but what between logical deductions and metaphysical jargon, he soon involved himself and his subject in a fog of contradictions and perplexi- ties, and then would get into a mighty passion with his adversary, for not being convinced gratis.

It is in knowledge, as in swimming, he who ostentatiously sports and flounders on the surface, makes more noise and splashing, and attracts more attention, than the industrious pearl diver, who plunges in search of treasures to the bottom. The "universal acquirements" of William Kieft, were the subject of great marvel and admiration among his countrymen -- he figured about at the Hague with as much vain glory, as does a profound Bonze at Pekin, who has mastered half the letters of the Chinese alphabet; and in a word was unanimously pronounced an universal genius! -- I have known many universal geniuses in my time, though to speak my mind freely I never knew one, who, for the ordinary purposes of life, was worth his weight in straw -- but for the purposes of government, a little sound judgment and plain common sense, is worth all the sparkling genius that ever wrote poetry, or invented theories.

Strange as it may sound therefore, the universal acquirements of the illustrious Wilhelmus, were very much in his way, and had he been a less learn- ed little man, it is possible he would have been a much greater governor. He was exceedingly fond of trying philosophical and political experiments; and having stuffed his head full of scraps and rem- nants of ancient republics, and oligarchies, and aris- tocracies, and monarchies, and the laws of Solon and Lycurgus and Charondas, and the imaginary commonwealth of Plato, and the Pandects of Jus- tinian, and a thousand other fragments of venerable antiquity, he was forever bent upon introducing some one or other of them into use; so that between one contradictory measure and another, he entang- led the government of the little province of Nieuw Nederlandts in more knots during his administra- tion, than half a dozen successors could have untied.

No sooner had this bustling little man been blown by a whiff of fortune into the seat of gov- ernment, than he called together his council and de- livered a very animated speech on the affairs of the province. As every body knows what a glorious opportunity a governor, a president, or even an emperor has, of drubbing his enemies in his speeches, messages and bulletins, where he has the talk all on his own side, they may be sure the high mettled William Kieft did not suffer so favourable an occasion to escape him, of evincing that gallant- ry of tongue, common to all able legislators. Be- fore he commenced, it is recorded that he took out of his pocket a red cotton handkerchief, and gave a very sonorous blast of the nose, according to the usual custom of great orators. This in general I believe is intended as a signal trumpet, to call the attention of the auditors, but with William the testy it boasted a more classic cause, for he had read of the singular expedient of that famous de- magogue Caius Gracchus, who when he harangued the Roman populace, modulated his tones by an oratorical flute or pitch-pipe -- "which", said the shrewd Wilhelmus, "I take to be nothing more nor less, than an elegant and figurative mode of saying -- he previously blew his nose."

This preparatory symphony being performed, he commenced by expressing a humble sense of his own want of talents -- -his utter unworthiness of the honour conferred upon him, and his humiliating incapacity to discharge the important duties of his new station -- -in short, he expressed so contempti- ble an opinion of himself, that many simple country members present, ignorant that these were mere words of course, always used on such occasions, were very uneasy, and even felt wrath that he should accept an office, for which he was conscious- ly so inadequate.

He then proceeded in a manner highly classic, profoundly erudite, and nothing at all to the purpose, being nothing more than a pompous account of all the governments of ancient Greece, and the wars of Rome and Carthage, together with the rise and fall of sundry outlandish empires, about which the as- sembly knew no more than their great grand chil- dren who were yet unborn. Thus having, after the manner of your learned orators, convinced the au- dience that he was a man of many words and great erudition, he at length came to the less important part of his speech, the situation of the province -- - and here he soon worked himself into a fearful rage against the Yankees, whom he compared to the Gauls who desolated Rome, and the Goths and Vandals who overran the fairest plains of Europe -- nor did he forget to mention, in terms of adequate opprobrium, the insolence with which they had en- croached upon the territories of New Netherlands, and the unparalleled audacity with which they had commenced the town of New Plymouth, and plant- ed the onion patches of Weathersfield under the ve- ry walls, or rather mud batteries of Fort Goed Hoop.

Having thus artfully wrought up his tale of ter- ror to a climax, he assumed a self satisfied look, and declared, with a nod of knowing import, that he had taken measures to put a final stop to these encroachments -- that he had been obliged to have recourse to a dreadful engine of warfare, lately in- vented, awful in its effects, but authorized by dire- ful necessity. In a word, he was resolved to con- quer the Yankees -- -by proclamation!

For this purpose he had prepared a tremendous instrument of the kind ordering, commanding and enjoining the intruders aforesaid, forthwith to re- move, depart and withdraw from the districts, re- gions and territories aforesaid, under pain of suffer- ing all the penalties, forfeitures, and punishments in such case made and provided, This procla- mation he assured them, would at once exterminate the enemy from the face of the country, and he pledged his valour as a governor, that within two months after it was published, not one stone should remain on another, in any of the towns which they had built.

The council remained for some time silent, af- ter he had finished; whether struck dumb with ad- miration at the brilliancy of his project, or put to sleep by the length of his harangue, the history of the times doth not mention. Suffice it to say, they at length gave a universal grunt of acquiescence -- the proclamation was immediately dispatched with due ceremony, having the great seal of the province, which was about the size of a buckwheat pancake, attached to it by a broad red ribband. Governor Kieft having thus vented his indignation, felt great- ly relieved -- -adjourned the council sine die -- put on his cocked hat and corduroy small clothes, and mounting a tall raw boned charger, trotted out to his country seat, which was situated in a sweet, se- questered swamp, now called Dutch street, but more commonly known by the name of Dog's Misery.

Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the toils of legislation, taking lessons in govern- ment, not from the Nymph Egeria, but from the honoured wife of his bosom; who was one of that peculiar kind of females, sent upon earth a little after the flood, as a punishment for the sins of mankind, and commonly known by the appellation of knowing women. In fact, my duty as an his- torian obliges me to make known a circumstance which was a great secret at the time, and conse- quently was not a subject of scandal at more than half the tea tables in New Amsterdam, but which like many other great secrets, has leaked out in the lapse of years -- and this was, that the great Wilhelmus the Testy, though one of the most po- tent little men that ever breathed, yet submitted at at home to a species of government, neither laid down in Aristotle, nor Plato; in short, it partook of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and is familarly denominated petticoat government. -- An absolute sway, which though exceedingly common in these modern days, was very rare among the ancients, if we may judge from the rout made about the domestic economy of honest Socrates; which is the only ancient case on record.

The great Kieft however, warded off all the sneers and sarcasms of his particular friends, who are ever ready to joke with a man on sore points of the kind, by alledging that it was a government of his own election, which he submitted to through choice; adding at the same time that it was a pro- found maxim which he had found in an ancient au- thor -- "he who would aspire to govern, should first learn to obey."

CHAP. II.

In which are recorded the sage Projects of a Ruler of universal Genius. -- The art of Fighting by Proclamation, -- and how that the valiant Jaco- bus Van Curlet came to be foully dishonoured at Fort Goed Hoop.

Never was a more comprehensive, a more ex- peditious, or, what is still better, a more econo- mical measure devised, than this of defeating the Yankees by proclamation -- an expedient, likewise, so humane, so gentle and pacific; there were ten chances to one in favour of its succeeding, -- but then there was one chance to ten that it would not succeed -- as the ill-natured fates would have it, that single chance carried the day! The proclama- tion was perfect in all its parts, well constructed, well written, well sealed and well published -- all that was wanting to insure its effect, was that the Yankees should stand in awe of it; but, provok- ing to relate, they treated it with the most abso- lute contempt, applied it to an unseemly purpose, which shall be nameless, and thus did the first war- like proclamation come to a shameful end -- a fate which I am credibly informed, has befallen but too many of its successors.

It was a long time before Wilhelmus Kieft could be persuaded by the united efforts of all his counsel- lors, that his war measure had failed in producing any effect. -- On the contrary, he flew in a passion whenever any one dared to question its efficacy; and swore, that though it was slow in operating, yet when once it began to work, it would soon purge the land from these rapacious intruders. Time however, that tester of all experiments both in phi- losophy and politics, at length convinced the great Kieft, that his proclamation was abortive; and that notwithstanding he had waited nearly four years, in a state of constant irritation, yet he was still further off than ever from the object of his wishes. His implacable adversaries in the east became more and more troublesome in their encroachments, and founded the thriving colony of Hartford close upon the skirts of Fort Goed Hoop. They moreover com- menced the fair settlement of Newhaven (alias the Red Hills) within the domains of their high migh- tinesses -- while the onion patches of Pyquag were a continual eye sore to the garrison of Van Curlet. Upon beholding therefore the inefficacy of his mea- sure, the sage Kieft like many a worthy practitioner of physic, laid the blame, not to the medicine, but the quantity administered, and resolutely resolved to double the dose.

In the year 1638 therefore, that being the fourth year of his reign, he fulminated against them a se- cond proclamation, of heavier metal than the for- mer; written in thundering long sentences, not one word of which was under five syllables. This, in fact, was a kind of non-intercourse bill, forbidding and prohibiting all commerce and connexion, be- tween any and every of the said Yankee intruders, and the said fortified post of Fort Goed Hoop, and ordering, commanding and advising, all his trusty, loyal and well-beloved subjects, to furnish them with no supplies of gin, gingerbread or sour crout; to buy none of their pacing horses, meazly pork, apple brandy, Yankee rum, cyder water, apple sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions or wooden bowls, but to starve and exterminate them from the face of the land.

Another pause of a twelve month ensued, du- ring which the last proclamation received the same attention, and experienced the same fate as the first -- at the end of which term, the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet dispatched his annual messenger, with his customary budget of complaints and entreaties. Whether the regular interval of a year, intervening between the arrival of Van Curlet's couriers, was occasioned by the systematic regularity of his movements, or by the immense distance at which he was stationed from the seat of government is a matter of uncertainty. Some have ascribed it to the slowness of his messengers, who, as I have be- fore noticed, were chosen from the shortest and fat- test of his garrison, as least likely to be worn out on the road; and who, being pursy, short winded little men, generally travelled fifteen miles a day, and then laid by a whole week, to rest. All these, however, are matters of conjecture; and I rather think it may be ascribed to the immemorial maxim of this worthy country -- and which has ever influenced all its public transactions -- not to do things in a hurry.

The gallant Jacobus Van Curlet in his dispatch- es respectfully represented, that several years had now elapsed, since his first application to his late excellency, the renowned Wouter Van Twiller: during which interval, his garrison had been redu- ced nearly one-eighth, by the death of two of his most valiant, and corpulent soldiers, who had acci- dentally over eaten themselves on some fat salmon, caught in the Varsche rivier. He further stated that the enemy persisted in their inroads, taking no notice of the fort or its inhabitants; but squatting themselves down, and forming settlements all around it; so that, in a little while, he should find himself enclosed and blockaded by the enemy, and totally at their mercy.

But among the most atrocious of his grievan- ces, I find the following still on record, which may serve to shew the bloody minded outrages of these savage intruders. "In the meane time, they of Hartford have not onely usurped and taken in the lands of Connecticott, although unrighteously and against the lawes of nations, but have hindered our nation in sowing theire owne purchased broken up lands, but have also sowed them with corne in the night, which the Netherlanders had broken up and intended to sowe: and have beaten the servants of the high and mighty the honored companie, which were labouring upon theire master's lands, from theire lands, with sticks and plow staves in hostile manner laming, and amongst the rest, struck Ever Duckings26 a hole in his head, with a stick, soe that the blood ran downe very strongly downe upon his body!"

But what is still more atrocious --

"Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to the honored companie, under pretence that it had eaten of theire grounde grass, when they had not any foot of inheritance. They proferred the hogg for 5s. if the commissioners would have given 5s. for damage; which the commissioners denied, be- cause noe mans owne hogg (as men use to say) can trespasse upon his owne master's grounde."

The receipt of this melancholy intelligence in- censed the whole community -- there was something in it that spoke to the dull comprehension, and touched the obtuse feelings even of the puissant vulgar, who generally require a kick in the rear, to awaken their slumbering dignity. I have known my profound fellow citizens bear without murmur, a thousand essential infringements of their rights, merely because they were not immediately obvious to their senses -- but the moment the unlucky Pearce was shot upon our coasts, the whole body politic was in a ferment -- so the enlighted Nederlanders, though they had treated the encroachments of their eastern neighbours with but little regard, and left their quill valiant governor, to bear the whole brunt of war, with his single pen -- yet now every indivi- dual felt his head broken in the broken head of Duckings -- and the unhappy fate of their fellow citizen the hog; being impressed, carried and sold into captivity, awakened a grunt of sympathy from every bosom.

The governor and council, goaded by the clamours of the multitude, now set themselves ear- nestly to deliberate upon what was to be done. Proclamations had at length fallen into temporary disrepute; some were for sending the Yankees a tribute, as we make peace offerings to the petty Barbary powers, or as the Indians sacrifice to the devil. Others were for buying them out, but this was opposed, as it would be acknowledging their title to the land they had seized. A variety of measures were, as usual in such cases, proposed, discussed and abandoned, and the council had at last, to adopt the means, which being the most common and obvious, had been knowingly over- looked -- for your amazing acute politicians, are forever looking through telescopes, which only enable them to see such objects as are far off, and unattainable; but which incapacitates them to see such things as are in their reach, and obvious to all simple folk, who are content to look with the naked eyes, heaven has given them. The profound council, as I have said, in their pursuit after Jack-o'-lanterns, accidentally stumbled on the very measure they were in need of; which was to raise a body of troops, and dispatch them to the relief and rein- forcement of the garrison. This measure was carried into such prompt operation, that in less than twelve months, the whole expedition, consist- ing of a serjeant and twelve men, was ready to march; and was reviewed for that purpose, in the public square, now known by the name of the Bow- ling Green. Just at this juncture the whole com- munity was thrown into consternation, by the sudden arrival of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet; who came straggling into town at the head of his crew of tatterdemalions, and bringing the melancholy tidings of his own defeat, and the capture of the redoubtable post of Fort Goed Hope by the fero- cious Yankees.

The fate of this important fortress, is an impres- sive warning to all military commanders. It was neither carried by strom, nor famine; no practicable breach was effected by cannon or mines; no maga- zines were blown up by red hot shot, nor were the barracks demolished, or the garrison destroyed, by the bursting of bombshells. In fact, the place was taken by a stratagem no less singular than effectual; and one that can never fail of success, whenever an opportunity occurs of putting it in practice. Happy am I to add, for the credit of our illustrious ancestors, that it was a stratagem, which though it impeached the vigilance, yet left the bravery of the intrepid Van Curlet and his garrison, perfectly free from reproach.

It appears that the crafty Yankees, having learn- ed the regular habits of the garrison, watched a favourable opportunity and silently introduced themselves into the fort, about the middle of a sultry day; when its vigilant defenders having gorged themselves with a hearty dinner and smoak- ed out their pipes, were one and all snoring most obstreperously at their posts; little dreaming of so disasterous an occurrence. The enemy most inhu- manly seized Jacobus Van Curlet, and his sturdy myrmidons by the nape of the neck, gallanted them to the gate of the fort, and dismissed them severally, with a kick on the crupper, as Charles the twelfth dismissed the heavy bottomed Russians, after the battle of Narva -- only taking care to give two kicks to Van Curlet, as a signal mark of distinction.

A strong garrison was immediately established in the fort; consisting of twenty long sided, hard fisted Yankees; with Weathersfield onions stuck in their hats, by way of cockades and feathers -- long rusty fowling pieces for muskets -- hasty pud- ding, dumb fish, pork and molasses for stores; and a huge pumpkin was hoisted on the end of a pole, as a standard -- liberty caps not having as yet come into fashion.

[26] This name is no doubt misspelt. In some old Dutch MSS. of the time, we find the name of Evert Duyckingh, who is un- questionably the unfortunate hero above alluded to.

CHAP. III.

Containing the fearful wrath of William the Testy, and the great dolour of the New Amsterdam- mers, because of the affair of Fort Goed Hoop. -- And moreover how William the Testy fortified the city by a Trumpeter -- a Flagstaff, and a Wind-mill. -- Together with the exploits of Stoffel Brinkerhoff.

Language cannot express the prodigious fury, into which the testy Wilhelmus Kieft was thrown by this provoking intelligence. For three good hours the rage of the little man was too great for words, or rather the words were too great for him; and he was nearly choaked by some dozen huge, mis-shapen, nine cornered dutch oaths, that crowd- ed all at once into his gullet. A few hearty thumps on the back, fortunately rescued him from suffoca- tion -- and shook out of him a bushel or two of enormous execrations, not one of which was smaller than "dunder and blixum!" -- It was a matter of astonishment to all the bye standers, how so small a body, could have contained such an immense mass of words without bursting. Having blazed off the first broadside, he kept up a constant firing for three whole days -- anathematizing the Yan- kees, man, woman, and child, body and soul, for a set of dieven, schobbejaken, deugenieten, twist- zoekeren, loozen-schalken blaes-kaeken, kakken- bedden, and a thousand other names of which, unfortunately for posterity, history does not make particular mention. Finally he swore that he would have nothing more to do with such a squatting, bundling, guessing, questioning, swap- ping, pumpkin-eating, molasses-daubing, shingle- splitting, cider-watering, horse-jockeying, notion- peddling crew -- that they might stay at Fort Goed Hoop and rot, before he would dirty his hands by attempting to drive them away; in proof of which he ordered the new raised troops, to be marched forthwith into winter quarters, although it was not as yet quite mid summer. Governor Kieft faith- fully kept his word, and his adversaries as faith- fully kept their post; and thus the glorious river Connecticut, and all the gay vallies through which it rolls, together with the salmon, shad and other fish within its waters, fell into the hands of the victori- ous Yankees, by whom they are held at this very day -- and much good may they do them.

Great despondency seized upon the city of New Amsterdam, in consequence of these melancholly events. The name of Yankee became as terrible among our good ancestors, as was that of Gaul among the ancient Romans; and all the sage old women of the province, who had not read Miss Hamilton on education, used it as a bug-bear, wherewith to frighten their unruly brats into obe- dience.

The eyes of all the province were now turned upon their governor, to know what he would do for the protection of the common weal in these days of darkness and peril. Great apprehensions prevailed among the reflecting part of the commu- nity, especially the old women, that these terrible fellows of Connecticut, not content with the con- quest of Fort Goed Hoop would incontinently march on to New Amsterdam and take it by storm -- and as these old ladies, through means of the governor's spouse, who as has been already hinted, was "the better horse," had obtained considerable influence in public affairs, keeping the province under a kind of petticoat government, it was determined that measures should be taken for the effective fortifica- tion of the city.

Now it happened that at this time there sojourned in New Amsterdam one Anthony Van Corlear27 a jolly fat dutch trumpeter, of a pleasant burley vi- sage -- famous for his long wind and his huge whiskers, and who as the story goes, could twang so potently upon his instrument, as to produce an effect upon all within hearing, as though ten thou- sand bag-pipes were singing most lustly i' the nose. Him did the illustrious Kieft pick out as the man of all the world, most fitted to be the champion of New Amsterdam, and to garrison its fort; making little doubt but that his instrument would be as ef- fectual and offensive in war as was that of the Pa- ladin Astolpho, or the more classic horn of Alecto. It would have done one's heart good to have seen the governor snapping his fingers and fidgetting with delight, while his sturdy trumpeter strutted up and down the ramparts, fearlessly twanging his trumpet in the face of the whole world, like a thrice valorous editor daringly insulting all the princi- palities and powers -- on the other side of the At- lantic.

Nor was he content with thus strongly garrison- ing the fort, but he likewise added exceedingly to its strength by furnishing it with a formidable bat- tery of quaker guns -- rearing a stupendous flag-staff in the centre which overtopped the whole city -- and moreover by building a great windmill on one of the bastions.28 This last to be sure, was somewhat of a novelty in the art of fortification, but as I have already observed William Kieft was notorious for innovations and experiments, and traditions do af- firm that he was much given to mechanical inven- tions -- constructing patent smoke-jacks -- carts that went before the horses, and especially erecting wind- mills, for which machines he had acquired a singu- lar predilection in his native town of Saardam.

All these scientific vagaries of the little governor were cried up with ecstasy by his adherents as proofs of his universal genius -- but there were not wanting ill natured grumblers who railed at him as employ- ing his mind in frivolous pursuits, and devoting that time to smoke-jacks and windmills, which should have been occupied in the more important concerns of the province. Nay they even went so far as to hint once or twice, that his head was turned by his experiments, and that he really thought to manage his government, as he did his mills -- by mere wind! -- such is the illiberality and slander to which your enlightened rulers are ever subject.

Notwithstanding all the measures therefore of William the Testy to place the city in a posture of defence, the inhabitants continued in great alarm and despondency. But fortune, who seems always careful, in the very nick of time, to throw a bone for hope to gnaw upon, that the starveling elf may be kept alive; did about this time crown the arms of the province with success in another quarter, and thus cheered the drooping hearts of the forlorn Ne- derlanders; otherwise there is no knowing to what lengths they might have gone in the excess of their sorrowing -- "for grief," says the profound histo- rian of the seven champions of Christendom, "is companion with despair, and despair a procurer of infamous death!"

Among the numerous inroads of the Moss- troopers of Connecticut, which for some time past had occasioned such great tribulation, I should par- ticularly have mentioned a settlement made on the eastern part of Long Island, at a place which, from the peculiar excellence of its shell fish, was called Oyster Bay. This was attacking the province in a most sensible part, and occasioned a great agitation at New Amsterdam.

It is an incontrovertible fact, well known to your skilful physiologists, that the high road to the affections, is through the throat; and this may be accounted for on the same principles which I have already quoted, in my strictures on fat aldermen. Nor is this fact unknown to the world at large; and hence do we observe, that the surest way to gain the hearts of the million, is to feed them well -- and that a man is never so disposed to flatter, to please and serve another, as when he is feeding at his expense; which is one reason why your rich men, who give frequent dinners, have such abun- dance of sincere and faithful friends. It is on this principle that our knowing leaders of parties secure the affections of their partizans, by rewarding them bountifully with loaves and fishes; and entrap the suffrages of the greasy mob, by treating them with bull feasts and roasted oxen. I have known many a man, in this same city, acquire considerable im- portance in society, and usurp a large share of the good will of his enlightened fellow citizens, when the only thing that could be said in his eulogium was, that "he gave a good dinner, and kept excel- lent wine."

Since then the heart and the stomach are so nearly allied, it follows conclusively that what af- fects the one, must sympathetically affect the other. Now it is an equally incontrovertible fact, that of all offerings to the stomach, there is none more grateful than the testaceous marine animal, called by naturalists the Ostea, but known commonly by the vulgar name of Oyster. And in such great reverence has it ever been held, by my gormandi- zing fellow citizens, that temples have been dedica- ted to it, time out of mind, in every street, lane and alley throughout this well fed city. It is not to be expected therefore, that the seizing of Oyster Bay, a place abounding with their favourite delicacy, would be tolerated by the inhabitants of New Am- sterdam. An attack upon their honour they might have pardoned; even the massacre of a few citi- zens might have been passed over in silence; but an outrage that affected the larders of the great city of New Amsterdam, and threatened the sto- machs of its corpulent Burgomasters, was too seri- ous to pass unrevenged. The whole council were unanimous in opinion, that the intruders should be immediately driven by force of arms, from Oyster Bay, and its vicinity, and a detachment was accor- dingly dispatched for the purpose, under command of one Stoffel Brinkerhoff, or Brinkerhoofd (i. e. Stoffel, the head-breaker) so called because he was a man of mighty deeds, famous throughout the whole extent of Nieuw Nederlandts for his skill at quarterstaff, and for size would have been a match for Colbrand, that famous Danish champion, slain by little Guy of Warwick.

Stoffel Brinckerhoff was a man of few words, but prompt actions -- one of your straight going officers, who march directly forward, and do their orders without making any parade about it. He used no extraordinary speed in his movements, but trudged steadily on, through Nineveh and Babylon, and Jericho and Patchog, and the mighty town of Quag, and various other renowned cities of yore, which have by some unaccountable witchcraft of the Yankees, been strangely transplanted to Long Island, until he arrived in the neighbourhood of Oyster Bay.

Here was he encountered by a tumultuous host of valiant warriors, headed by Preserved Fish, and Habbakuk Nutter, and Return Strong, and Zerubbabel Fisk, and Jonathan Doolittle and De- termined Cock! -- at the sound of whose names the courageous Stoffel verily believed that the whole parliament of Praise God Barebones had been let loose to discomfit him. Finding however that this formidable body was composed merely of the "se- lect men" of the settlement, armed with no other weapons but their tongues, and that they had issued forth with no other intent, than to meet him on the field of argument -- he succeeded in putting them to the rout with little difficulty, and completely broke up their settlement. Without waiting to write an account of his victory on the spot, and thus letting the enemy slip through his fingers while he was securing his own laurels, as a more experienced general would have done, the brave Stoffel thought of nothing but completing his enterprize, and utterly driving the Yankees from the island. This hardy enterprize he performed in much the same manner as he had been accustomed to drive his oxen; for as the Yankees fled before him, he pulled up his breeches and trudged steadily after them, and would infallibly have driven them into the sea, had they not begged for quarter, and agreed to pay tribute.

The news of this achievement was a seasonable restorative to the spirits of the citizens of New Amsterdam. To gratify them still more, the go- vernor resolved to astonish them with one of those gorgeous spectacles, known in the days of classic antiquity, a full account of which had been flogged into his memory, when a school-boy at the Hague. A grand triumph therefore was decreed to Stoffel Brinckerhoff, who made his triumphant entrance into town riding on a Naraganset pacer; five pump- kins, which like Roman eagles had served the enemy for standards, were carried before him -- ten cart loads of oysters, five hundred bushels of Wea- thersfield onions, a hundred quintals of codfish, two hogsheads of molasses and various other treasures, were exhibited as the spoils and tribute of the Yankees; while three notorious counterfeiters of Manhattan notes,29 were led captive to grace the hero's triumph. The procession was enlivened by martial music, from the trumpet of Antony Van Corlear the champion, accompanied by a select band of boys and negroes, performing on the national in- struments of rattle bones and clam shells. The citizens devoured the spoils in sheer gladness of heart -- every man did honour to the conqueror, by getting devoutly drunk on New England rum -- and learned Wilhelmus Kieft calling to mind, in a mo- mentary fit of enthusiasm and generosity, that it was customary among the ancients to honour their vic- torious generals with public statues, passed a gra- cious decree, by which every tavernkeeper was permitted to paint the head of the intrepid Stoffel on his sign!

[27] David Pietrez De Vries in his "Reyze naer Nieuw Nederlandt ønder het yaer 1640," makes mention of one Corlear a trumpeter in fort Amsterdam, who gave name to Corlear's Hook and who was doubtless this same champion, described by Mr. Knickerbocker.

[28] De Vries mentions that this windmill stood on the south-east bastion, and it is likewise to be seen, together with the flag-staff, in Justus Danker's View of New Amsterdam, which I have taken the liberty of prefixing to Mr. Knickerbocker's history. -- Editor.

[29] This is one of those trivial anachronisms, that now and then occur in the course of this otherwise authentic history. How could Manhattan notes be counterfeited, when as yet Banks were unknown in this country -- and our simple progenitors had not even dreamt of those inexhaustible mines of paper opulence. Print. Dev.

CHAP. IV.

Philosophical reflections on the folly of being happy in time of prosperity. -- Sundry troubles on the southern Frontiers. -- How William the Testy by his great learning had well nigh ruined the province through a Cabalistic word. -- As also the secret expeditions of Jan Jansen Alpen- den, and his astonishing reward.

If we could but get a peep at the tally of dame Fortune, where, like a notable landlady, she regu- larly chalks up the debtor and creditor accounts of mankind, we should find that, upon the whole, good and evil are pretty nearly balanced in this world; and that though we may for a long while revel in the very lap of prosperity, the time will at length come, when we must ruefully pay off the reckon- ing. Fortune, in fact, is a pestilent shrew, and withal a most inexorable creditor; for though she may indulge her favourites in long credits, and overwhelm them with her favours; yet sooner or later, she brings up her arrears, with the rigour of an experienced publican, and washes out her scores with their tears. "Since," says good old Boetius in his consolations of philosophy, "since no man can retain her at his pleasure, and since her flight is so deeply lamented, what are her favours but sure prognostications of approaching trouble and calamity."

There is nothing that more moves my con- tempt at the stupidity and want of reflection in my fellow men, than to behold them rejoicing, and in- dulging in security and self confidence, in times of prosperity. To a wise man, who is blessed with the light of reason, those are the very moments of anxiety and apprehension; well knowing that ac- cording to the system of things, happiness is at best but transient -- and that the higher a man is ele- vated by the capricious breath of fortune, the lower must be his proportionate depression. Whereas, he who is overwhelmed by calamity, has the less chance of encountering fresh disasters, as a man at the bottom of a hill, runs very little risk of break- ing his neck by tumbling to the top.

This is the very essence of true wisdom, which consists in knowing when we ought to be misera- ble; and was discovered much about the same time with that invaluable secret, that "every thing is vanity and vexation of spirit;" in consequence of which maxim your wise men have ever been the unhappiest of the human race; esteeming it as an infalliable mark of genius to be distressed without reason -- since any man may be miserable in time of misfortune, but it is the philosopher alone who can discover cause for grief in the very hour of prosperity.

According to the principle I have just advanc- ed, we find that the colony of New Netherlands, which under the reign of the renowned Van Twil- ler, had flourished in such alarming and fatal se- renity; is now paying for its former welfare, and discharging the enormous debt of comfort which it contracted. Foes harass it from different quar- ters; the city of New Amsterdam, while yet in its infancy is kept in constant alarm; and its valiant commander little William the Testy answers the vulgar, but expressive idea of "a man in a peck of troubles."

While busily engaged repelling his bitter ene- mies the Yankees, on one side, we find him sud- denly molested in another quarter, and by other assailants. A vagrant colony of Swedes, under the conduct of Peter Minnewits, and professing al- legience to that redoubtable virago, Christina queen of Sweden; had settled themselves and erected a fort on south (or Delaware) river -- within the boundaries, claimed by the Government of the New Netherlands. History is mute as to the par- ticulars of their first landing, and their real preten- sions to the soil, and this is the more to be lament- ed; as this same colony of Swedes will hereafter be found most materially to affect, not only the in- terests of the Nederlanders, but of the world at large!

In whatever manner therefore, this vagabond colony of Swedes first took possession of the coun- try, it is certain that in 1638, they established a fort, and Minnewits, according to the off hand usage of his contemporaries, declared himself governor of all the adjacent country, under the name of the pro- vince of New Sweden. No sooner did this reach the ears of the choleric Wilhelmus, than, like a true spirited chieftan, he immediately broke into a vio- lent rage, and calling together his council, belabour- ed the Swedes most lustily in the longest speech that had ever been heard in the colony, since the memorable dispute of Ten breeches and Tough breeches. Having thus given vent to the first ebul- litions of his indignation, he had resort to his fa- vourite measure of proclamation, and dispatched one, piping hot, in the first year of his reign, in- forming Peter Minnewits that the whole territory, bordering on the south river, had, time out of mind, been in possession of the Dutch colonists, having been "beset with forts, and sealed with their blood."

The latter sanguinary sentence, would convey an idea of direful war and bloodshed; were we not relieved by the information that it merely related to a fray, in which some half a dozen Dutchmen had been killed by the Indians, in their benevolent at- tempts to establish a colony and promote civiliza- tion. By this it will be seen that William Kieft, though a very small man, delighted in big expres- sions, and was much given to a praise-worthy figure in rhetoric, generally cultivated by your little great men, called hyperbole. A figure which has been found of infinite service among many of his class, and which has helped to swell the grandeur of ma- ny a mighty self-important, but windy chief magis- trate. Nor can I resist in this place, from observ- ing how much my beloved country is indebted to this same figure of hyperbole, for supporting cer- tain of her greatest characters -- statesmen, orators, civilians and divines; who by dint of big words, inflated periods, and windy doctrines, are kept afloat on the surface of society, as ignorant swim- mers are buoyed up by blown bladders.

The proclamation against Minnewits concluded by ordering the self-dubbed governor, and his gang of Swedish adventurers, immediately to leave the country under penalty of the high displeasure, and inevitable vengeance of the puissant government of the Nieuw Nederlandts. This "strong measure," however, does not seem to have had a whit more effect than its predecessors, which had been thun- dered against the Yankees -- the Swedes resolutely held on to the territory they had taken possession of -- whereupon matters for the present remained in statu quo.

That Wilhelmus Kieft should put up with this insolent obstinacy in the Swedes, would appear in- compatible with his valourous temperament; but we find that about this time the little man had his hands full; and what with one annoyance and ano- ther, was kept continually on the bounce.

There is a certain description of active legisla- tors, who by shrewd management, contrive always to have a hundred irons on the anvil, every one of which must be immediately attended to; who conse- quently are ever full of temporary shifts and expe- dients, patching up the public welfare and cobbling the national affairs, so as to make nine holes where they mend one -- stopping chinks and flaws with whatever comes first to hand, like the Yankees I have mentioned stuffing old clothes in broken win- dows. Of this class of statesmen was William the Testy -- and had he only been blessed with powers equal to his zeal, or his zeal been disciplined by a little discretion, there is very little doubt but he would have made the greatest governor of his size on record -- the renowned governor of the island of Barataria alone excepted.

The great defect of Wilhelmus Kieft's policy was, that though no man could be more ready to stand forth in an hour of emergency, yet he was so intent upon guarding the national pocket, that he suffered the enemy to break its head -- in other words, what- ever precaution for public safety he adopted, he was so intent upon rendering it cheap, that he invariably rendered it ineffectual. All this was a remote con- sequence of his profound education at the Hague -- where having acquired a smattering of knowledge, he was ever after a great conner of indexes, conti- nually dipping into books, without ever studying to the bottom of any subject; so that he had the scum of all kinds of authors fermenting in his pericrani- um. In some of these title page researches he un- luckily stumbled over a grand political cabalistic word, which, with his customary facility he imme- diately incorporated into his great scheme of go- vernment, to the irretrievable injury and delusion of the honest province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and the eternal misleading, of all experimental rulers.

In vain have I pored over the Theurgia of the Chaldeans, the Cabala of the Jews, the Necromancy of the Arabians -- The Magic of the Persians -- the Hocus Pocus of the English, the Witch-craft of the Yankees, or the Pow-wowing of the Indians to discover where the little man first laid eyes on this terrible word. Neither the Sephir Jetzirah, that famous cabalistic volume, ascribed to the Patriarch Abraham; nor the pages of the Zohar, containing the mysteries of the cabala, recorded by the learned rabbi Simeon Jochaides, yield any light to my en- quiries -- Nor am I in the least benefited by my painful researches in the Shem-hamphorah of Ben- jamin, the wandering Jew, though it enabled Davi- dus Elm to make a ten days' journey, in twenty four hours. Neither can I perceive the slightest affinity in the Tetragrammaton, or sacred name of four letters, the profoundest word of the Hebrew Cabala; a mystery, sublime, ineffable and incom- municable -- and the letters of which Jod-He-Van- He, having been stolen by the Pagans, constituted their great Name Jao, or Jove. In short, in all my cabalistic, theurgic, necromantic, magical and astro- logical researches, from the Tetractys of Pythago- ras, to the recondite works of Breslaw and mother Bunch, I have not discovered the least vestige of an origin of this word, nor have I discovered any word of sufficient potency to counteract it.

Not to keep my reader in any suspence, the word which had so wonderfully arrested the atten- tion of William the Testy and which in German characters, had a particularly black and ominous aspect, on being fairly translated into the English is no other than economy -- a talismanic term, which by constant use and frequent mention, has ceased to be formidable in our eyes, but which has as terrible potency as any in the arcana of necro- mancy.

When pronounced in a national assembly it has an immediate effect in closing the hearts, becloud- ing the intellects, drawing the purse strings and but- toning the breeches pockets of all philosophic legis- lators. Nor are its effects on the eye less wonder- ful. It produces a contraction of the retina, an obscurity of the christaline lens, a viscidity of the vitreous and an inspiration of the aqueous hu- mours, an induration of the tunica sclerotica and a convexity of the cornea; insomuch that the organ of vision loses its strength and perspicuity, and the unfortunate patient becomes myopes or in plain English, pur-blind; perceiving only the amount of immediate expense without being able to look fur- ther, and regard it in connexion with the ultimate object to be effected. -- "So that," to quote the words of the eloquent Burke, "a briar at his nose is of greater magnitude than an oak at five hundred yards distance." Such are its instantaneous ope- rations, and the results are still more astonishing. By its magic influence seventy-fours, shrink into frigates -- frigates into sloops, and sloops into gun- boats. As the defenceless fleet of Eneas, at the command of the protecting Venus, changed into sea nymphs, and protected itself by diving; so the mighty navy of America, by the cabalistic word economy, dwindles into small craft, and shelters itself in a mill-pond!

This all potent word, which served as his touchstone in politics, at once explains the whole system of proclamations, protests, empty threats, windmills trumpeters, and paper war, carried on by Wilhelmus the Testy -- and we may trace its opera- tions in an armament which he fitted out in 1642 in a moment of great wrath; consisting of two sloops and thirty men, under the command of Mynheer Jan Jansen Alpendam, as admiral of the fleet, and commander in chief of the forces. This formidable expedition, which can only be paralleled by some of the daring cruizes of our infant navy, about the bay and up the sound; was intended to drive the Marylanders from the Schuylkill, of which they had recently taken possession -- and which was claimed as part of the province of New Nederlants -- for it appears that at this time our in- fant colony was in that enviable state, so much coveted by ambitious nations, that is to say, the government had a vast extent of territory; part of which it enjoyed, and the greater part of which it had continually to quarrel about.

Admiral Jan Jansen Alpendam was a man of great mettle and prowess; and no way dismayed at the character of the enemy; who were represented as a gigantic gunpowder race of men, who lived on hoe cakes and bacon, drank mint juleps and brandy toddy, and were exceedingly expert at boxing, biting, gouging, tar and feathering, and a variety of other athletic accomplishments, which they had borrowed from their cousins german and prototypes the Virginians, to whom they have ever borne considerable resemblance -- notwithstanding all these alarming representations, the admiral entered the Schuylkill most undauntedly with his fleet, and arrived without disaster or opposition at the place of destination.

Here he attacked the enemy in a vigorous speech in low dutch, which the wary Kieft had pre- viously put in his pocket; wherein he courteously commenced by calling them a pack of lazy, louting, dram drinking, cock fighting, horse racing, slave driving, tavern haunting, sabbath breaking, mulatto breeding upstarts -- and concluded by ordering them to evacuate the country immediately -- to which they most laconically replied in plain English (as was very natural for Swedes) "they'd see him d -- d first."

Now this was a reply for which neither Jan Jansen Alpendam, nor Wilhelmus Kieft had made any calculation -- and finding himself totally unpre- pared to answer so terrible a rebuff with suitable hostility he concluded, like a most worthy admiral of a modern English expedition, that his wisest course was to return home and report progress. He accordingly sailed back to New Amsterdam, where he was received with great honours, and considered as a pattern for all commanders; ha- ving achieved a most hazardous enterprize, at a trifling expense of treasure, and without losing a single man to the state! -- He was unanimously called the deliverer of his country; (an appellation liberally bestowed on all great men) his two sloops having done their duty, were laid up (or dry dock- ed) in a cove now called the Albany Bason, where they quietly rotted in the mud; and to immortalize his name, they erected, by subscription, a magnificent shingle monument on the top of Flatten barrack30 Hill, which lasted three whole years; when it fell to pieces, and was burnt for fire-wood.

[30] A corruption of Varleth's bergh -- or Varleth's hill, so called from one Varleth, who lived upon that hill in the early days of the settlement. Editor.

CHAP. V.

How William the Testy enriched the Province by a multitude of good-for-nothing laws, and came to be the Patron of Lawyers and Bum-Bailiffs. How he undertook to rescue the public from a grevious evil, and had well nigh been smoked to death for his pains. How the people became exceedingly enlightened and unhappy, under his instructions -- with divers other matters which will be found out upon perusal.

Among the many wrecks and fragments of ex- alted wisdom, which have floated down the stream of time, from venerable antiquity, and have been carefully picked up by those humble, but industri- ous wights, who ply along the shores of literature, we find the following sage ordinance of Charondas, the locrian legislator -- Anxious to preserve the an- cient laws of the state from the additions and im- provements of profound "country members," or officious candidates for popularity, he ordained, that whoever proposed a new law, should do it with a halter about his neck; so that in case his proposi- tion was rejected, he was strung up -- and there the matter ended.

This salutary institution had such an effect, that for more than two hundred years there was only one trifling alteration in the criminal code -- and the whole race of lawyers starved to death for want of employment. The consequence of this was, that the Locrians being unprotected by an overwhelming load of excellent laws, and undefended by a stand- ing army of pettifoggers and sheriff's officers, lived very lovingly together, and were such a happy peo- ple, that we scarce hear any thing of them through- out the whole Grecian history -- for it is well known that none but your unlucky, quarrelsome, rantipole nations make any noise in the world.

Well would it have been for William the Testy, had he happily, in the course of his "universal ac- quirements," stumbled upon this precaution of the good Charondas. On the contrary, he conceived that the true policy of a legislator was to multiply laws, and thus secure the property, the persons and the morals of the people, by surrounding them in a manner with men traps and spring guns, and beset- ting even the sweet sequestered walks of private life, with quick-set hedges, so that a man could scarcely turn, without the risk of encountering some of these pestiferous protectors. Thus was he con- tinually coining petty laws for every petty offence that occurred, until in time they became too nume- rous to be remembered, and remained like those of certain modern legislators, in a manner dead letters -- revived occasionally for the purpose of individual oppression, or to entrap ignorant offenders.

Petty courts consequently began to appear, where the law was administered with nearly as much wisdom and impartiality as in those august tribunals the aldermen's and justice shops of the present day. The plaintiff was generally favoured, as being a customer and bringing business to the shop; the offences of the rich were discreetly winked at -- for fear of hurting the feelings of their friends; -- but it could never be laid to the charge of the vigilant burgomasters, that they suffered vice to skulk unpunished, under the disgraceful rags of poverty.

About this time may we date the first introduc- tion of capital punishments -- a goodly gallows be- ing erected on the water-side, about where White- hall stairs are at present, a little to the east of the battery. Hard by also was erected another gibbet of a very strange, uncouth and unmatchable descrip- tion, but on which the ingenious William Kieft va- lued himself not a little, being a punishment entire- ly of his own invention.31

It was for loftiness of altitude not a whit infe- rior to that of Haman, so renowned in bible history; but the marvel of the contrivance was, that the culprit instead of being suspended by the neck, ac- cording to venerable custom, was hoisted by the waistband, and was kept for an hour together, dangling and sprawling between heaven and earth -- to the infinite entertainment and doubtless great edification of the multitude of respectable citizens, who usually attend upon exhibitions of the kind.

It is incredible how the little governor chuckled at beholding caitiff vagrants and sturdy beggars thus swinging by the breech, and cutting antic gam- bols in the air. He had a thousand pleasantries, and mirthful conceits to utter upon the occasions He called them his dandle-lions -- his wild fowl -- his high flyers -- his spread eagles -- his goshawks -- his scare-crows and finally his gallows birds, which ingenious appellation, though originally confined to worthies who had taken the air in this strange man- ner, has since grown to be a cant name given to all candidates for legal elevation. This punishment, moreover, if we may credit the assertions of cer- tain grave etymologists, gave the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or strapping, by which our fore- fathers braced up their multifarious breeches, and which has of late years been revived and continue. to be worn at the present day. It still bears the name of the object to which it owes its origin; be- ing generally termed a pair of gallows-es -- though I am informed it is sometimes vulgarly denomina- ted suspenders.

Such were the admirable improvements of William Kieft in criminal law -- nor was his civil code less a matter of wonderment, and much does it grieve me that the limits of my work will not suffer me to expatiate on both, with the prolixity they deserve. Let it suffice then to say; that in a little while the blessings of innumerable laws be- came notoriously apparent. It was soon found necessary to have a certain class of men to expound and confound them -- divers pettifoggers accord- ingly made their appearance, under whose protect- ing care the community was soon set together by the ears.

I would not here, for the whole world, be thought to insinuate any thing derogatory to the profession of the law, or to its dignified mem- bers. Well am I aware, that we have in this an- cient city an innumerable host of worthy gentle- men, who have embraced that honourable order, not for the sordid love of filthy lucre, or the selfish cravings of renown, but through no other motives under heaven, but a fervent zeal for the correct ad- ministration of justice, and a generous and disinte- rested devotion to the interests of their fellow citi- zens! -- Sooner would I throw this trusty pen into the flames, and cork up my ink bottle forever (which is the worst punishment a maggot brained author can inflict upon himself) than infringe even for a nail's breadth upon the dignity of this truly benevolent class of citizens -- on the contrary I al- lude solely to that crew of caitiff scouts who in these latter days of evil have become so numerous -- who infest the skirts of the profession, as did the recre- ant Cornish knights the honourable order of chivalry -- who, under its auspices, commit their depreda- tions on society -- who thrive by quibbles, quirks and chicanery, and like vermin swarm most, where there is most corruption.

Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent pas- sions as the facility of gratification. The courts of law would never be so constantly crowded with pet- ty, vexatious and disgraceful suits, were it not for the herds of pettifogging lawyers that infest them. These tamper with the passions of the lower and more ignorant classes; who, as if poverty was not a sufficient misery in itself, are always ready to heighten it, by the bitterness of litigation. They are in law what quacks are in medicine -- exciting the malady for the purpose of profiting by the cure, and retarding the cure, for the purpose of augment- ing the fees. Where one destroys the constitution, the other impoverishes the purse; and it may like- wise be observed, that a patient, who has once been under the hands of a quack, is ever after dabbling in drugs, and poisoning himself with infallible rem- edies; and an ignorant man who has once meddled with the law under the auspices of one of these em- pyrics, is forever after embroiling himself with his neighbours, and impoverishing himself with suc- cessful law suits. -- My readers will excuse this di- gression into which I have been unwarily betrayed; but I could not avoid giving a cool, unprejudiced account of an abomination too prevalent in this ex- cellent city, and with the effects of which I am un- luckily acquainted to my cost; having been nearly ruined by a law suit, which was unjustly decided against me -- and my ruin having been completed, by another which was decided in my favour.

It is an irreparable loss to posterity, that of the innumerable laws enacted by William the Testy, which doubtless formed a code that might have vied with those of Solon, Lycurgus or Sancho Pan- za, but few have been handed down to the present day, among which the most important is one fra- med in an unlucky moment, to prohibit the univer- sal practice of smoking. This he proved by mathe- matical demonstration, to be not merely a heavy tax upon the public pocket, but an incredible con- sumer of time, a hideous encourager of idleness, and of course a deadly bane to the morals of the people. Ill fated Kieft! -- had he lived in this most enlightened and libel loving age, and attempted to subvert the inestimable liberty of the press, he could not have struck more closely, upon the sensi- bilities of the million.

The populace were in as violent a turmoil as the constitutional gravity of their deportment would permit -- a mob of factious citizens had even the hardihood to assemble around the little governor's house, where setting themselves resolutely down, like a besieging army before a fortress, they one and all fell to smoking with a determined perseverance, that plainly evinced it was their intention, to funk him into terms with villainous Cow-pen mundun- gus! -- Already was the stately mansion of the go- vernor enveloped in murky clouds, and the puis- sant little man, almost strangled in his hole, when bethinking himself, that there was no instance on record, of any great man of antiquity perishing in so ignoble a manner (the case of Pliny the elder be- ing the only one that bore any resemblance) -- he was fain to come to terms, and compromise with the mob, on condition that they should spare his life, by immediately extinguishing their tobacco pipes.

The result of the armistice was, that though he continued to permit the custom of smoking, yet did he abolish the fair long pipes which prevailed in the days of Wouter Van Twiller, denoting ease, tran- quillity and sobriety of deportment, and in place thereof introduced little captious short pipes, two inches in length; which he observed could be stuck in one corner of the mouth, or twisted in the hat- band, and would not be in the way of business. But mark, oh reader! the deplorable consequences. The smoke of these villainous little pipes -- continu- ally ascending in a cloud about the nose, penetrated into and befogged the cerebellum, dried up all the kindly moisture of the brain, and rendered the peo- ple as vapourish and testy as their renowned little governor -- nay, what is more, from a goodly bur- ley race of folk, they became, like our honest dutch farmers, who smoke short pipes, a lanthorn-jawed, smoak-dried, leathern-hided race of men.

Indeed it has been remarked by the observant writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, that under the administration of Wilhelmus Kieft the disposition of the inhabitants of New Amsterdam experienced an essential change, so that they became very meddlesome and factious. The constant exacer- bations of temper into which the little governor was thrown, by the maraudings on his frontiers, and his unfortunate propensity to experiment and innovation, occasioned him to keep his council in a continual worry -- and the council being to the people at large, what yeast or leaven is to a batch, they threw the whole community into a ferment -- and the people at large being to the city, what the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions they underwent operated most disastrously, upon New Amsterdam -- insomuch, that in certain of their paroxysms of consternation and perplexity, they begat several of the most crooked, distorted and abominable streets, lanes and alleys, with which this metropolis is disfigured.

But the worst of the matter was, that just about this time the mob, since called the sovereign people, like Balaam's ass, began to grow more enlight- ened than its rider, and exhibited a strange desire of governing itself. This was another ef- fect of the "universal acquirements" of William the Testy. In some of his pestilent researches among the rubbish of antiquity, he was struck with admiration at the institution of public tables among the Lacedemonians, where they discussed topics of a general and interesting nature -- at the schools of the philosophers, where they engaged in profound disputes upon politics and morals -- where grey beards were taught the rudiments of wisdom, and youths learned to become little men, before they were boys. "There is nothing" said the ingenious Kieft, shutting up the book, "there is nothing more essential to the well management of a country, than education among the people; the basis of a good government, should be laid in the public mind." -- now this was true enough, but it was ever the wayward fate of William the Testy, that when he thought right, he was sure to go to work wrong. In the present instance he could scarcely eat or sleep, until he had set on foot brawling debating societies, among the simple citizens of New Am- sterdam. This was the one thing wanting to complete his confusion. The honest Dutch bur- ghers, though in truth but little given to argument or wordy altercation, yet by dint of meeting often together, fuddling themselves with strong drink, beclouding their brains with tobacco smoke, and listening to the harangues of some half a dozen oracles, soon became exceedingly wise, and -- as is always the case where the mob is politically en- lightened -- exceedingly discontented. They found out, with wonderful quickness of discernment, the fearful error in which they had indulged, in fancy- ing themselves the happiest people in creation -- and were fortunately convinced, that, all circum- stances to the contrary notwithstanding, they were a very unhappy, deluded, and consequently, ruined people!

In a short time the quidnuncs of New Am- sterdam formed themselves into sage juntos of political croakers, who daily met together to groan over public affairs, and make themselves miserable; thronging to these unhappy assemblages with the same eagerness, that your zealots have in all ages abandoned the milder and more peaceful paths of religion to crowd to the howling convocations of fanaticism. We are naturally prone to discontent, and avaricious after imaginary causes of lamenta- tion -- like lubberly monks we belabour our own shoulders, and seem to take a vast satisfaction in the music of our own groans. Nor is this said for the sake of paradox; daily experience shews the truth of these sage observations. It is next to a farce to offer consolation, or to think of elevating the spirits of a man, groaning under ideal calamities; but nothing is more easy than to render him wretch- ed, though on the pinnacle of felicity; as it is an Herculean task to hoist a man to the top of a steeple, though the merest child can topple him off thence.

In the sage assemblages I have noticed, the philosophic reader will at once perceive the faint germs of those sapient convocations called popular meetings, prevalent at our day -- Hither resorted all those idlers and "squires of low degree," who like rags, hang loose upon the back of society, and are ready to be blown away by every wind of doc- trine. Coblers abandoned their stalls and hasten- ed hither to give lessons on political economy -- blacksmiths left their handicraft and suffered their own fires to go out, while they blew the bellows and stirred up the fire of faction; and even taylors, though but the shreds and patches, the ninth parts of humanity, neglected their own measures, to at- tend to the measures of government -- Nothing was wanting but half a dozen newspapers and pa- triotic editors, to have completed this public illu- mination and to have thrown the whole province in an uproar!

I should not forget to mention, that these po- pular meetings were always held at a noted tavern; for houses of that description, have always been found the most congenial nurseries of politicks; abounding with those genial streams which give strength and sustenance to faction -- We are told that the ancient Germans, had an admirable mode of treating any question of importance; they first deli- berated upon it when drunk, and afterwards recon- sidered it, when sober. The shrewder mobs of America, who dislike having two minds upon a subject, both determine and act upon it drunk; by which means a world of cold and tedious specula- tion is dispensed with -- and as it is universally al- lowed that when a man is drunk he sees double, it follows most conclusively that he sees twice as well as his sober neighbours.

[31] Both the gibbets as mentioned above by our author, may be seen in the sketch of Justus Danker, which we have prefixed to the work. -- Editor.

CHAP VI.

Shewing the great importance of party distinctions, and the dolourous perplexities into which William the Testy was thrown, by reason of his having enlightened the multitude.

For some time however, the worthy politicians of New Amsterdam, who had thus conceived the sublime project of saving the nation, were very much perplexed by dissentions, and strange con- trariety of opinions among themselves, so that they were often thrown into the most chaotic uproar and confusion, and all for the simple want of party classi- fication. Now it is a fact well known to your expe- rienced politicians, that it is equally necessary to have a distinct classification and nomenclature in politics, as in the physical sciences. By this means the several orders of patriots, with their breedings and cross breedings, their affinities and varieties may be properly distinguished and known. Thus have arisen in different quarters of the world the generic titles of Guelfs and Ghibbelins -- Round heads and Cavaliers -- Big endians and Little endians -- Whig and Tory -- Aristocrat and Democrat -- Republican and Jacobin -- Federalist and Antifede- ralist, together with a certain mongrel party called Quid; which seems to have been engendered be- tween the two last mentioned parties, as a mule is produced between an horse and an ass -- and like a mule it seems incapable of procreation, fit only for humble drudgery, doomed to bear successively the burthen of father and mother, and to be cudgelled soundly for its pains.

The important benefit of these distinctions is obvious. How many very strenuous and hard working patriots are there, whose knowledge is bounded by the political vocabulary, and who, were they not thus arranged in parties would never know their own minds, or which way to think on a subject; so that by following their own common sense the community might often fall into that unanimity, which has been clearly proved, by many excellent writers, to be fatal to the welfare of a republick. Often have I seen a very well meaning hero of seventy six, most horribly puzzled to make up his opinion about certain men and measures, and running a great risk of thinking right; until all at once he resolved his doubts by resorting to the old touch stone of Whig and Tory; which titles, though they bear about as near an affinity to the present parties in being, as do the robustious statues of Gog and Magog, to the worthy London Aldermen, who devour turtle under their auspices at Guild-Hall; yet are they used on all occasions by the sovereign people, as a pair of spectacles, through which they are miraculously enabled to see beyond their own noses, and to distinguish a hawk from a hand saw, or an owl from a buzz- ard!

Well, was it recorded in holy writ, "the horse knoweth his rider, and the ass his master's crib," for when the sovereign people are thus harnessed out, and properly yoked together, it is delectable to behold with what system and harmony they jog on- ward, trudging through the mud and mire, obeying the commands of their drivers, and dragging the scur- vy dung carts of faction at their heels. How many a patriotic member of congress have I known, loy- ally disposed to adhere to his party through thick and think but who would often, from sheer ignorance, or the dictates of conscience and common sense, have stumbled into the ranks of his adversaries, and advocated the opposite side of the question, had not the parties been thus broadly designated by generic titles.

The wise people of New Amsterdam therefore, after for some time enduring the evils of confusion, at length, like honest dutchmen as they were, so- berly settled down into two distinct parties, known by the name of Square head and Platter breech -- the former implying that the bearer was deficient in that rotundity of pericranium, which was consider- ed as a token of true genius -- the latter, that he was destitute of genuine courage, or good bottom, as it has since been technically termed -- and I defy all the politicians of this great city to shew me where any two parties of the present day, have split upon more important and fundamental points.

These names, to tell the honest truth -- and I scorn to tell any thing else -- were not the mere pro- geny of whim or accident, as were those of Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches, in the days of yore, but took their origin in recondite and scientific de- ductions of certain Dutch philosophers. In a word, they were the dogmas or elementary principia of those ingenious systems since supported in the physiognomical tracts of Lavater, who gravely mea- sures intellect by the length of a nose, or detects it lurking in the curve of a lip, or the arch of an eye- brow -- The craniology of Dr. Gall, who has found out the encampments and strong holds of the virtues and vices, passions and habits among the protube- rances of the skull, and proves that your whorson jobbernowl, is your true skull of genius -- The Linea Fascialis of Dr. Petrus Camper, anatomical professor in the college of Amsterdam, which re- gulates every thing by the relative position of the upper and lower jaw; shewing the ancient opinion to be correct that the owl is the wisest of animals, and that a pancake face is an unfailing index of talents, and a true model of beauty -- and finally, the breechology of professor Higgenbottom, which teaches the surprizing and intimate connection be- tween the seat of honour, and the seat of intellect -- a doctrine supported by experiments of pedagogues in all ages, who have found that applications a parte poste, are marvellously efficacious in quickening the perceptions of their scholars, and that the most ex- peditious mode of instilling knowledge into their heads, is to hammer it into their bottoms!

Thus then, the enlightened part of the inhabi- tants of Nieuw Nederlandts, being comfortably ar- ranged into parties, went to work with might and main to uphold the common wealth -- assembling together in separate beer-houses, and smoking at each other with implacable animosity, to the great support of the state, and emolument of the tavern- keepers. Some indeed who were more zealous than the rest went further, and began to bespatter one another with numerous very hard names and scandalous little words, to be found in the dutch language; every partizan believing religiously that he was serving his country, when he besmutted the character, or damaged the pocket of a political ad- versary. But however they might differ between themselves, both parties agreed on one point, to ca- vil at and condemn every measure of government whether right or wrong; for as the governor was by his station independent of their power, and was not elected by their choice, and as he had not deci- ded in favour of either faction, neither of them were interested in his success, or the prosperity of the country while under his administration.

"Unhappy William Kieft!" exclaims the sage writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, -- doomed to contend with enemies too knowing to be entrapped, and to reign over people, too wise to be governed! All his expeditions against his enemies were baf- fled and set at naught, and all his measures for the public safety, were cavilled at by the people. Did he propose levying an efficient body of troops for internal defence, the mob, that is to say, those vagabond members of the community who have nothing to lose, immediately took the alarm, vociferated that their interests were in dan- ger -- that a standing army was a legion of moths, preying on the pockets of society; a rod of iron in the hands of government; and that a government with a military force at its command, would inevi- tably swell into a despotism. Did he, as was but too commonly the case, defer preparation until the moment of emergency, and then hastily collect a handful of undisciplined vagrants, the measure was hooted at, as feeble and inadequate, as trifling with the public dignity and safety, and as lavishing the public funds on impotent enterprizes. -- Did he re- sort to the economic measure of proclamation, he was laughed at by the Yankees, did he back it by non-intercourse, it was evaded and counteracted by his own subjects. Whichever way he turned him- self he was beleaguered and distracted by petitions of "numerous and respectable meetings," con- sisting of some half a dozen scurvy pot-house poli- ticians -- all of which he read, and what is worse, all of which he attended to. The consequence was, that by incessantly changing his measures, he gave none of them a fair trial; and by listening to the clamours of the mob and endeavouring to do every thing, he in sober truth did nothing.

I would not have it supposed however, that he took all these memorials and interferences good na- turedly, for such an idea would do injustice to his valiant spirit; on the contrary he never received a piece of advice in the whole course of his life, with- out first getting into a passion with the giver. But I have ever observed that your passionate little men, like small boats with large sails, are the easiest upset or blown out of their course; and this is demonstrated by governor Kieft, who though in temperament as hot as an old radish, and with a mind, the territory of which was subjected to per- petual whirl-winds and tornadoes, yet never failed to be carried away by the last piece of advice that was blown into his ear. Lucky was it for him that his power was not dependant upon the greasy multitude, and that as yet the populace did not possess the important privilege of nominating their chief magistrate. They, however, like a true mob, did their best to help along public affairs; pestering their governor incessantly, by goading him on with harangues and petitions, and then thwarting his fiery spirit with reproaches and memorials, like a knot of sunday jockies, managing an unlucky devil of a hack horse -- so that Wilhelmus Kieft, may be said to have been kept either on a worry or a hand gallop, throughout the whole of his adminis- tration.

CHAP. VII.

Containing divers fearful accounts of Border wars, and the flagrant outrages of the Moss troopers of Connecticut -- With the rise of the great Amphyc- tionic Council of the east, and the decline of William the Testy.

Among the many perils and mishaps that sur- round your hardy historian, there is one that in spite of my unspeakable delicacy, and unbounded good will towards all my fellow creatures, I have no hopes of escaping. While raking with curious hand, but pious heart, among the rotten remains of former days, I may fare somewhat like that doughty fellow Sampson, who in meddling with the car- cass of a dead Lion, drew a swarm of bees about his ears. Thus I am sensible that in detailing the many misdeeds of the Yanokie, or Yankee tribe, it is ten chances to one but I offend the morbid sensi- bilities of certain of their unreasonable descendants, who will doubtless fly out, and raise such a buzzing about this unlucky pate of mine, that I shall need the tough hide of an Achilles, or an Orlando Furio- so, to protect me from their stings. Should such be the case I should deeply and sincerely lament -- not my misfortune in giving offence -- but the wrong- headed perverseness of this most ill natured and un- charitable age, in taking offence at any thing I say. -- My good, honest, testy sirs, how in heaven's name, can I help it, if your great grandfathers behaved in a scurvy manner to my great grandfathers? -- I'm very sorry for it, with all my heart, and wish a thousand times, that they had conducted themselves a thou- sand times better. But as I am recording the sa- cred events of history, I'd not bate one nail's breadth of the honest truth, though I were sure the whole edition of my work, should be bought up and burnt by the common hangman of Connecticut. -- And let me tell you, masters of mine! this is one of the grand purposes for which we impartial histori- ans were sent into the world -- to redress wrongs and render justice on the heads of the guilty -- So that though a nation may wrong their neighbours, with temporary impunity, yet some time or another an historian shall spring up, who shall give them a hearty rib-roasting in return. Thus your ancestors, I warrant them, little thought, when they were kick- ing and cuffing the worthy province of Nieuw Ne- derlandts, and setting its unlucky little governor at his wits ends, that such an historian as I should ever arise, and give them their own, with interest -- Bo- dy-o'me! but the very talking about it makes my blood boil! and I have as great a mind as ever I had for my dinner, to cut a whole host of your an- cestors to mince meat, in my very next page! -- but out of the bountiful affection which I feel towards their descendants, I forbear -- and I trust when you perceive how completely I have them all in my pow- er, and how, with one flourish of my pen I could make every mother's son of ye grandfatherless, you will not be able enough to applaud my candour and magnanimity. -- To resume then, with my accus- tomed calmness and impartiality, the course of my history.

It was asserted by the wise men of ancient times, intimately acquainted with these matters, that at the gate of Jupiter's palace lay two huge tuns, the one filled with blessings, the other with misfortunes -- and it verily seems as if the latter had been set a tap, and left to deluge the unlucky province of Nieuw Nederlandts. Among other causes of irritation, the incessant irruptions and spoliations of his eastern neighbours upon his fron- tiers, were continually adding fuel to the naturally inflammable temperament of William the Testy. Numerous accounts of them may still be found among the records of former days; for the com- manders on the frontiers were especially careful to evince their vigilance and soldierlike zeal, by stri- ving who should send home the most frequent and voluminous budgets of complaints, as your faithful servant is continually running with complaints to the parlour, of all the petty squabbles and misde- meanours of the kitchen.

All these valiant tale-bearings were listened to with great wrath by the passionate little governor, and his subjects, who were to the full as eager to hear, and credulous to believe these frontier fables, as are my fellow citizens to swallow those amusing stories with which our papers are daily filled, about British aggressions at sea, French sequestrations on shore, and Spanish infringements in the promi- sed land of Louisiana -- all which proves what I have before asserted, that your enlightened people love to be miserable.

Far be it from me to insinuate however, that our worthy ancestors indulged in groundless alarms; on the contrary they were daily suffering a repe- tition of cruel wrongs, not one of which, but was a sufficient reason, according to the maxims of na- tional dignity and honour, for throwing the whole universe into hostility and confusion.

From among a host of these bitter grievances still on record, I select a few of the most atrocious, and leave my readers to judge, if our progenitors were not justifiable in getting into a very valiant passion on the occasion.

"24 June 1641. Some of Hartford haue taken a hogg out of the vlact or common and shut it vp out of meer hate or other prejudice, causing it to starve for hunger in the stye!

26 July. The foremencioned English did againe driue the companies hoggs out of the vlact of Sico joke into Hartford; contending daily with re- proaches, blows, beating the people with all dis- grace that they could imagine.

May 20, 1642. The English of Hartford haue violently cut loose a horse of the honored compa- nies, that stood bound vpon the common or vlact.

May 9, 1643. The companies horses pastured vpon the companies ground, were driven away by them of Connecticott or Hartford, and the heards- man was lustily beaten with hatchets and sticks.

16. Again they sold a young Hogg belonging to the Companie which piggs had pastured on the Companies land."32

Oh ye powers! into what indignation did every one of these outrages throw the philoso- phic Kieft! Letter after letter; protest after pro- test; proclamation after proclamation; bad Latin, worse English, and hideous low dutch were ex- hausted in vain upon the inexorable Yankees; and the four-and-twenty letters of the alphabet, which except his champion, the sturdy trumpeter Van Corlear, composed the only standing army he had at his command, were never off duty, throughout the whole of his administration. -- Nor did Antony the trumpeter, remain a whit behind his patron, the gallant William in his fiery zeal; but like a faithful champion and preserver of the public safe- ty, on the arrival of every fresh article of news, he was sure to sound his trumpet from the ramparts with most disasterous notes, throwing the people into violent alarms and disturbing their rest at all times and seasons -- which caused him to be held in very great regard, the public paying and pampering him, as we do brawling editors, for similar impor- tant services.

Appearances to the eastward began now to as- sume a more formidable aspect than ever -- for I would have you note that bitherto the province had been chiefly molested by its immediate neighbours, the people of Connecticut, particularly of Hartford, which, if we may judge from ancient chronicles, was the strong hold of these sturdy moss troopers; from whence they sallied forth, on their daring in- cursions, carrying terror and devastation into the barns, the hen-roosts and pig-styes of our revered ancestors.

Albeit about the year 1643, the people of the east country, inhabiting the colonies of Massachu- setts, Connecticut, New Plymouth and New Ha- ven, gathered together into a mighty conclave, and after buzzing and turmoiling for many days, like a political hive of bees in swarming time, at length settled themselves into a formidable confederation, under the title of the United Colonies of New Eng- land. By this union they pledged themselves to stand by one another in all perils and assaults, and to co-operate in all measures offensive and defen- sive against the surrounding savages, among which were doubtlessly included our honoured ancestors of the Manhattoes; and to give more strength and system to this confederation, a general assembly or grand council was to be annually held, compos- ed of representatives from each of the provinces.

On receiving accounts of this puissant combi- nation, the fiery Wilhelmus was struck with vast consternation, and for the first time in his whole life, forgot to bounce, at hearing an unwelcome piece of intelligence -- which a venerable historian of the times observes, was especially noticed among the sage politicians of New Amsterdam. The truth was, on turning over in his mind all that he had read at the Hague, about leagues and combi- nations, he found that this was an exact imitation of the famous Amphyctionic council, by which the states of Greece were enabled to attain to such power and supremacy, and the very idea made his heart to quake for the safety of his empire at the Manhattoes.

He strenuously insisted, that the whole object of this confederation, was to drive the Nederlan- ders out of their fair domains; and always flew into a great rage if any one presumed to doubt the probability of his conjecture. Nor, to speak my mind freely, do I think he was wholly unwarranted in such a suspicion; for at the very first annual meeting of the grand council, held at Boston (which governor Kieft denominated the Delphos of this truly classic league) strong representations were made against the Nederlanders, for as much as that in their dealings with the Indians they carried on a traffic in "guns, powther and shott -- a trade damnable and injurious to the colonists." Not but what certain of the Connecticut traders did likewise dabble a little in this "damnable traffic" -- but then they always sold the Indians such scurvy guns, that they burst at the first discharge -- and consequently hurt no one but these pagan savages.

The rise of this potent confederacy was a death blow to the glory of William the Testy, for from that day forward, it was remarked by many, he never held up his head, but appeared quite crest fallen. His subsequent reign therefore, affords but scanty food for the historic pen -- we find the grand council continually augmenting in power, and threat- ening to overwhelm the mighty but defenceless province of Nieuw Nederlandts; while Wilhelmus Kieft kept constantly firing off his proclamations and protests, like a sturdy little sea captain, firing off so many carronades and swivels, in order to break and disperse a water spout -- but alas! they had no more effect than if they had been so many blank cartridges.

The last document on record of this learned, philosophic, but unfortunate little man is a long letter to the council of the Amphyctions, wherein in the bitterness of his heart he rails at the people of New Haven, or red hills, for their uncourteous contempt of his protest levelled at them for squatting within the province of their high mightinesses. From this letter, which is a model of epistolary writing, abounding with pithy apophthegms and classic figures, my limits will barely allow me to extract the following recondite passage:-"Certainly when we heare the Inhabitants of New Hartford complayninge of us, we seem to heare Esop's wolfe complayninge of the lamb, or the admonition of the younge man, who cryed out to his mother, chideing with her neighboures, `Oh Mother revile her, lest she first take up that practice against you.' But be- ing taught by precedent passages we received such an answer to our protest from the inhabitants of New Haven as we expected: the Eagle always despiseth the Beetle fly; yet notwithstanding we doe undauntedly continue on our purpose of pur- suing our own right, by just arms and righteous means, and doe hope without scruple to execute the express commands of our superiours." To shew that this last sentence was not a mere empty menace he concluded his letter, by intrepidly pro- testing against the whole council, as a horde of squatters and interlopers, inasmuch as they held their meeting at New Haven, or the Red Hills, which he claimed as being within the province of the New Netherlands.

Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of William the Tety -- for henceforth, in the trouble, the perplexities and the confusion of the times he seems to have been totally overlooked, and to ahve slipped forever through the fingers of scru- pulous history. Indeed from some cause or ano- ther, which I cannot divine, there appears to have been a combination among historians to sink his very name into oblivion, in consequence of which they have one and all forborne even to speak of his exploits; and though I have disappointed the cai- tiffs in this their nefarious conspiracy, yet I much question whether some one or other of their adhe- rents may not even yet have the hardihood to rise up, and question the authenticity of certain of the well established and incontrovertible facts, I have herein recorded -- but let them do it at their peril; for may I perish, if ever I catch any slanderous in- cendiaries contradicting a word of this immaculate history, or robbing my heroes of any particle of that renown they have gloriously acquired, if I do not empty my whole ink-horn upon them -- even though it should equal in magnitude that of the sage Gar- gantua; which according to the faithful chronicle of his miraculous atchievements, weighted seven thou- sand quintals.

It has been a matter of deep concern to me, that such darkness and obscurity should hang over the latter days of the illustrious Kieft -- for he was a mighty and great little man worthy of being utterly renowned, seeing that he was the first potentate that introduced into this land, the art of fighting by proclamation; and defending a country by trumpe- ters, and windmills -- an economic and humane mode of warfare, since revived with great applause, and which promises, if it can ever be carried into full effect, to save great trouble and treasure, and spare infinitely more bloodshed than either the discovery of gunpowder, or the invention of torpe- does.

It is true that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom there were great numbers in the Nieuw Nederlandts, taking advantage of the mysterious exit of William the Testy, have fabled, that like Romulus he was translated to the skies, and forms a very fiery little star, some where on the left claw of the crab; while others equally fanciful, declare that he had experienced a fate similar to that of the good king Arthur; who, we are assured by ancient bards, was carried away to the delicious abodes of fairy land, where he still exists, in pristine worth and vigour, and will one day or another return to rescue poor old England from the hands of paltry, flippant, pettifogging cabinets, and restore the gal- lantry, the honour and the immaculate probity, which prevailed in the glorious days of the Round Table.33

All these however are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb visions of those dreaming varlets the poets, to which I would not have my judicious reader attach any credibility. Neither am I disposed to yield any credit to the assertion of an ancient and rather apocryphal historian, who alledges that the ingenious Wilhelmus was annihilated by the blowing down of one of his windmills -- nor to that of a writer of la- ter times, who affirms that he fell a victim to a phi- losophical experiment, which he had for many years been vainly striving to accomplish; having the misfortune to break his neck from the garret window of the Stadt house, in an ineffectual at- tempt to catch swallows, by sprinkling fresh salt upon their tails.

The most probable account, and to which I am inclined to give my implicit faith, is contained in a very obscure tradition, which declares, that what with the constant troubles on his frontiers, the in- cessant schemings, and projects going on in his own pericranium -- the memorials, petitions, remonstran- ces and sage pieces of advice from divers respecta- ble meetings of the sovereign people, together with the refractory disposition of his council, who were sure to differ from him on every point and uniform- ly to be in the wrong -- all these I say, did eternally operate to keep his mind in a kind of furnace heat, until he at length became as completly burnt out, as a dutch family pipe which has passed through three generations of hard smokers. In this manner did the choleric but magnanimous William the Testy undergo a kind of animal combustion, consuming away like a farthing rush light -- so that when grim death finally snuffed him out, there was scarce left enough of him to bury! END OF BOOK IV. [32] Hag. Collect. S. Pap. Certain of Wilhelmus Kieft's Latin letters are still extant in divers collections of state papers. [33] The old welsh bards believed that king Arthur was not dead but carried awaie by the fairies into some pleasant place, where he shold remaine for a time, and then returne againe and reigne in as great authority as ever. -- Hollingshed.The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all Britaigne, for certes this is the prophicye of Merlyn -- He say'd that his deth shall be doubteous; and said soth, for men thereof yet have doubte and shullen for ever more -- for men wyt not whether that he lyveth or is dede. -- De Leew. Chron.

VOL. II.

BOOK V. Containing the first part of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant and his troubles with the Amphyctionic Council.

CHAP. I.

In which the death of a great man is shewn to be no such inconsolable matter of sorrow -- and how Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great name from the uncommon strength of his head.

To a profound philosopher, like myself, who am apt to see clear through a subject, where the penetration of ordinary people extends but half way, there is no fact more simple and manifest, than that the death of a great man, is a matter of very little importance. Much as we think of our- selves, and much as we may excite the empty plau- dits of the million, it is certain that the greatest among us do actually fill but an exceeding small space in the world; and it is equally certain, that even that small space is quickly supplied, when we leave it vacant. "Of what consequence is it," said the elegant Pliny, "that individuals appear, or make their exit? the world is a theatre whose scenes and actors are continually changing." Ne- ver did philosopher speak more correctly, and I only wonder, that so wise a remark could have ex- isted so many ages, and mankind not have laid it more to heart. Sage follows on in the footsteps of sage; one hero just steps out of his triumphant car, to make way for the hero who comes after him; and of the proudest monarch it is merely said, that -- "he slept with his fathers, and his successor reigned in his stead."

The world, to tell the private truth, cares but little for their loss, and if left to itself would soon forget to grieve; and though a nation has often been figuratively drowned in tears on the death of a great man, yet it is ten chances to one if an indivi- dual tear has been shed on the melancholy occasion, excepting from the forlorn pen of some hungry au- thor. It is the historian, the biographer, and the poet, who have the whole burden of grief to sus- tain; who -- unhappy varlets! -- like undertakers in England, act the part of chief mourners -- who in- flate a nation with sighs it never heaved, and deluge it with tears, it never dreamed of shedding. Thus while the patriotic author is weeping and howling, in prose, in blank verse, and in rhyme, and collect- ing the drops of public sorrow into his volume, as into a lachrymal vase, it is more than probable his fellow citizens are eating and drinking, fiddling and dancing; as utterly ignorant of the bitter lamenta- tions made in their name, as are those men of straw, John, Doe, and Richard Roe, of the plaintiffs for whom they are generously pleased on divers occa- sions to become sureties.

The most glorious and praise-worthy hero that ever desolated nations, might have mouldered into oblivion among the rubbish of his own monument, did not some kind historian take him into favour, and benevolently transmit his name to posterity -- and much as the valiant William Kieft worried, and bustled, and turmoiled, while he had the desti- nies of a whole colony in his hand, I question seri- ously, whether he will not be obliged to this authen- tic history, for all his future celebrity.

His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of New Amsterdam, or its vicinity: the earth trem- bled not, neither did any stars shoot from their spheres -- the heavens were not shrowded in black, as poets would fain persuade us they have been, on the unfortunate death of a hero -- the rocks (hard hearted vagabonds) melted not into tears; nor did the trees hang their heads in silent sorrow; and as to the sun, he laid abed the next night, just as long, and shewed as jolly a face when he arose, as he ever did on the same day of the month in any year, either before or since. The good people of New Amsterdam, one and all, declared that he had been a very busy, active, bustling little governor; that he was "the father of his country" -- that he was "the noblest work of God" -- that "he was a man, take him for all in all, they never should look upon his like again" -- together with sundry other civil and affectionate speeches that are regularly said on the death of all great men; after which they smo- ked their pipes, thought no more about him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to his station.

Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and like the re- nowned Wouter Van Twiller, he was also the best, of our ancient dutch governors. Wouter having surpassed all who preceded him; and Pieter, or Piet, as he was sociably called by the old dutch burghers, who were ever prone to familiarize names, having never been equalled by any succes- sor. He was in fact the very man fitted by nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes of her beloved province, had not the fates or parcæ, Clotho, La- chesis and Atropos, those most potent, immaculate and unrelenting of all ancient and immortal spin- sters, destined them to inextricable confusion.

To say merely that he was a hero would be doing him unparalleled injustice -- he was in truth a combination of heroes -- for he was of a sturdy, raw boned make like Ajax Telamon, so famous for his prowess in belabouring the little Trojans -- with a pair of round shoulders, that Hercules would have given his hide for, (meaning his lion's hide) when he undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He was moreover as Plutarch describes Corio- lanus, not only terrible for the force of his arm, but likewise of his voice, which sounded as though it came out of a barrel; and like the self same war- rior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for the sovereign people, and an iron aspect, which was enough of itself to make the very bowels of his adversaries quake with terror and dismay. All this martial excellency of appearance was inex- pressibly heightened by an accidental advantage, with which I am surprised that neither Homer nor Virgil have graced any of their heroes, for it is worth all the paltry scars and wounds in the Iliad and Eneid, or Lucan's Pharsalia into the bar- gain. This was nothing less than a redoubtable wooden leg, which was the only prize he had gain- ed, in bravely fighting the battles of his country; but of which he was so proud, that he was often heard to declare he valued it more than all his other limbs put together; indeed so highly did he esteem it, that he caused it to be gallantly enchased and relieved with silver devices, which caused it to be related in divers histories and legends that he wore a silver leg.1

Like that choleric warrior Achilles, he was somewhat subject to extempore bursts of passion, which were oft-times rather unpleasant to his favourites and attendants, whose perceptions he was apt to quicken, after the manner of his illus- trious imitator, Peter the Great, by anointing their shoulders with his walking staff.

But the resemblance for which I most value him was that which he bore in many particulars to the renowned Charlemagne. Though I cannot find that he had read Plato, or Aristotle, or Hob- bes, or Bacon, or Algernon Sydney, or Tom Paine, yet did he sometimes manifest a shrewdness and sagacity in his measures, that one would hardly expect from a man, who did not know Greek, and had never studied the ancients. True it is, and I confess it with sorrow, that he had an unreason- able aversion to experiments, and was fond of governing his province after the simplest manner -- but then he contrived to keep it in better order than did the erudite Kieft, though he had all the philosophers ancient and modern, to assist and perplex him. I must likewise own that he made but very few laws, but then again he took care that those few were rigidly and impartially enforced -- - and I do not know but justice on the whole, was as well administered, as if there had been volumes of sage acts and statutes yearly made, and daily ne- glected and forgotten.

He was in fact the very reverse of his prede- cessors, being neither tranquil and inert like Wal- ter the Doubter, nor restless and fidgetting, like William the Testy, but a man, or rather a governor, of such uncommon activity and decision of mind that he never sought or accepted the advice of others; depending confidently upon his single head, as did the heroes of yore upon their single arms, to work his way through all difficulties and dangers. To tell the simple truth he wanted no other requisite for a perfect statesman, than to think always right, for no one can deny that he always acted as he thought, and if he wanted in correctness he made up for it in perseverance -- An excellent quality! since it is surely more dignified for a ruler to be persevering and consistent in error, than wavering and contradictory, in endeavouring to do what is right; this much is certain, and I generously make the maxim public, for the benefit of all legislators, both great and small, who stand shaking in the wind, without knowing which way to steer -- a ruler who acts according to his own will is sure of pleasing himself, while he who seeks to consult the wishes and whims of others, runs a great risk of pleasing nobody. The clock that stands still, and points resolutely in one direction, is certain of being right twice in the four and twenty hours -- while others may keep going continually, and continually be going wrong.

Nor did this magnanimous virtue escape the discernment of the good people of Nieuw Neder- lants; on the contrary so high an opinion had they of the independent mind and vigorous intellects of their new governor, that they universally called him Hard-koppig Piet, or Peter the Head- strong -- a great compliment to his understanding!

If from all that I have said thou dost not gather, worthy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was a tough, sturdy, valiant, weatherbeaten, mettlesome, leath- ernsided, lion hearted, generous spirited, obstinate, old "seventy six" of a governor, thou art a very numscull at drawing conclusions.

This most excellent governor, whose character I have thus attempted feebly to delineate, commenced his administration on the 29th of May 1647: a re- markably stormy day, distinguished in all the almanacks of the time, which have come down to us, by the name of Windy Friday. As he was very jealous of his personal and official dignity, he was inaugurated into office with great ceremony; the goodly oaken chair of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, being carefully preserved for such occasions; in like manner as the chair and stone were reverentially preserved at Schone in Scotland, for the coronation of the caledonian monarchs.

I must not omit to mention that the tempestuous state of the elements, together with its being that unlucky day of the week, termed "hanging day," did not fail to excite much grave speculation, and divers very reasonable apprehensions, among the more ancient and enlightened inhabitants; and several of the sager sex, who were reputed to be not a little skilled in the science and mystery of astrology and fortune telling, did declare outright, that they were fearful omens of a disastrous administration -- an event that came to be lamenta- bly verified, and which proves, beyond dispute, the wisdom of attending to those preternatural inti- mations, furnished by dreams and visions, the flying of birds, falling of stones and cackling of geese, on which the sages and rulers of ancient times placed such judicious reliance -- or to those shootings of stars, eclipses of the moon, howlings of dogs and flarings of candles, carefully noted and interpreted by the oracular old sybils of our day; who, in my humble opinion, are the legitimate possessors and preservers of the ancient science of divination. This much is certain, that governor Stuyvesant succeeded to the chair of state, at a turbulent period; when foes thronged and threatened from without; when anarchy and stiff necked opposition reigned rampant within; and when the authority of their high mightinesses the lords states gen- eral, though founded on the broad dutch bottom of unoffending imbecility; though supported by economy, and defended by speeches, protests, proclamations, flagstaffs, trumpeters and windmills -- vacillated, oscillated, tottered, tumbled and was finally prostrated in the dirt, by british invaders, in much the same manner that our majestic, stupen- dous, but ricketty shingle steeples, will some day or other be toppled about our ears by a brisk north wester.

[1] See the histories of Masters Josselyn and Blome.

CHAP. II.

Shewing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred himself among the rats and cobwebs on entering into of- fice -- And the perilous mistake he was guilty of, in his dealings with the Amphyctions.

The very first movements of the great Peter, on taking the reins of government, displayed the mag- nanimity of his mind, though they occasioned not a little marvel and uneasiness among the people of the Manhattoes. Finding himself constantly interrupt- ed by the opposition and annoyed by the sage ad- vice of his privy council, the members of which had acquired the unreasonable habit of thinking and speaking for themselves during the preceding reign; he determined at once to put a stop to such a griev- ous abomination. Scarcely therefore had he enter- ed upon his authority than he kicked out of office all those meddlesome spirits that composed the factious cabinet of William the Testy, in place of whom he chose unto himself councillors from those fat, somniferous, respectable families, that had flourished and slumbered under the easy reign of Walter the Doubter. All these he caused to be furnished with abundance of fair long pipes, and to be regaled with frequent corporation dinners, ad- monishing then to smoke and eat and sleep for the good of the nation, while he took all the burden of government upon his own shoulders -- an arrange- ment to which they all gave a hearty grunt of ac- quiescence.

Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among the ingenious inventions and expedients of his learned predecessor -- demolishing his flag- staffs and wind-mills, which like mighty giants, guarded the ramparts of New Amsterdam -- pitch- ing to the duyvel whole batteries of quaker guns -- rooting up his patent gallows, where caitiff vaga- bonds were suspended by the breech, and in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole philosophic, econo- mic and wind-mill system of the immortal sage of Saardam.

The honest folk of New Amsterdam, began to quake now for the fate of their matchless cham- pion Antony the trumpeter, who had acquired prodigious favour in the eyes of the women by means of his whiskers and his trumpet. Him did Peter the Headstrong, cause to be brought into his presence, and eyeing him for a moment from head to foot, with a countenance that would have appall- ed any thing else than a sounder of brass -- "Pry- thee who and what art thou?" said he. -- "Sire," re- plied the other in no wise dismayed, -- "for my name, it is Antony Van Corlear -- for my paren- tage, I am the son of my mother -- for my profes- sion I am champion and garrison of this great city of New Amsterdam." -- -"I doubt me much," said Peter Stuyvesant," that thou art some scurvy cos- tard-monger knave -- how didst thou acquire this paramount honour and dignity?" -- "Marry sir," replied the other, "like many a great man before me, simply by sounding my own trumpet." -- "Aye, is it so?" quoth the governor, why then let us have a relish of thy art." Whereupon he put his instru- ment to his lips and sounded a charge, with such a tremendous outset, such a delectable quaver, and such a triumphant cadence that it was enough to make your heart leap out of your mouth only to be within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn charger, while sporting in peaceful plains, if by chance he hears the strains of martial music, pricks up his ears, and snorts and paws and kindles at the noise, so did the heroic soul of the mighty Peter joy to hear the clangour of the trumpet; for of him might truly be said what was recorded of the renowned St. George of England, "there was nothing in all the world that more rejoiced his heart, than to hear the pleasant sound of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth their steeled weapons." Casting his eyes more kindly therefore, upon the sturdy Van Corlear, and finding him to be a jolly, fat little man, shrewd in his discourse, yet of great dis- cretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway conceived an astonishing kindness for him; and discharging him from the troublesome duty of gar- risoning, defending and alarming the city, ever after retained him about his person, as his chief favourite, confidential envoy and trusty squire. In- stead of disturbing the city with disastrous notes, he was instructed to play so as to delight the go- vernor, while at his repasts, as did the minstrels of yore in the days of glorious chivalry -- and on all public occasions, to rejoice the ears of the peo- ple with warlike melody -- thereby keeping alive a noble and martial spirit.

Many other alterations and reformations, both for the better and for the worse, did the governor make, of which my time will not serve me to re- cord the particulars, suffice it to say, he soon con- trived to make the province feel that he was its master, and treated the sovereign people with such tyrannical rigour, that they were all fain to hold their tongues, stay at home and attend to their bu- siness; insomuch that party feuds and distinctions were almost forgotten, and many thriving keepers of taverns and dram-shops, were utterly ruined for want of business.

Indeed the critical state of public affairs at this time, demanded the utmost vigilance, and promp- titude. The formidable council of the Amphyctions, which had caused so much tribulation to the un fortunate Kieft, still continued augmenting its forces, and threatened to link within its union, all the mighty principalities and powers of the cast. In the very year following the inauguration of go- vernor Stuyvesant a grand deputation departed from the city of Providence (famous for its dusty streets, and beauteous women,) in behalf of the puissant plantation of Rhode Island, praying to be admitted into the league.

The following mention is made of this applica- tion in the records still extant, of that assemblage of worthies.2

"Mr. Will Cottington and captain Partridg of Rhoode Hand presented this insewing request to the commissioners in wrighting --

"Our request and motion is in behalfe of Rhoode Hand, that wee the Handers of Rhoode Iland may be rescauied into combination with all the united colonyes of New England in a firme and perpetuall league of friendship and amity of ofence and defence, mutuall advice and succor upon all just occasions for our mutuall safety and well- faire, Will Cottington, Alicxsander Partridg."

I confess the very sight of this fearful docu- ment, made me to quake for the safety of my belo- ved province. The name of Alexander, however misspelt, has been warlike in every age, and though its fierceness is in some measure softened by being coupled with the gentle cognomen of Partridge, still, like the colour of scarlet, it bears an exceeding great resemblance to the sound of a trumpet. From the style of the letter, moreover, and the sol- dierlike ignorance of orthography displayed by the noble captain Alicxsander Partridg in spelling his own name, we may picture to ourselves this mighty man of Rhodes like a second Ajax, strong in arms, great in the field, but in other respects, (meaning no disparagement) as great a dom cop, as if he had been educated among that learned people of Thrace, who Aristotle most slanderously assures us, could not count beyond the number four.

But whatever might be the threatening aspect of this famous confederation, Peter Stuyvesant was not a man to be kept in a state of incertitude and vague apprehension; he liked nothing so much as to meet danger face to face, and take it by the beard. Determined therefore to put an end to all these petty maraudings on the borders, he wrote two or three categorical letters to the grand council, which though neither couched in bad latin, nor yet graced by rhetorical tropes about wolfs and lambs, and beetle flies, yet had more effect than all the elaborate epistles, protests and proclamations of his learned predecessor, put together. In consequence of his urgent propositions, the sage council of the amphyctions agreed to enter into a final adjustment of grievances and settlement of boundaries, to the end that a perpetual and happy peace might take place between the two powers. For this purpose governor Stuyvesant deputed two ambassadors, to negotiate with commissioners from the grand coun- cil of the league, and a treaty was solemnly conclu- ded at Hartford. On receiving intelligence of this event, the whole community was in an uproar of exultation. The trumpet of the sturdy Van Cor- lear, sounded all day with joyful clangour from the ramparts of Fort Amsterdam, and at night the city was magnificently illuminated with two hundred and fifty tallow candles; besides a barrel of tar, which was burnt before the governor's house, on the cheering aspect of public affairs.

And now my worthy, but simple reader, is doubtless, like the great and good Peter, congratu- lating himself with the idea, that his feelings will no longer be molested by afflicting details of stolen horses, broken heads, impounded hogs, and all the other catalogue of heart-rending cruelties, that dis- graced these border wars. But if my reader should indulge in such expectations, it is only another proof, among the many he has already given in the course of this work, of his utter ignorance of state affairs -- and this lamentable ignorance on his part, obliges me to enter into a very profound dissertation, to which I call his attention in the next chapter -- wherein I will shew that Peter Stuyvesant has al- ready committed a great error in politics; and by effecting a peace, has materially jeopardized the tranquility of the province.

[2] Haz. Col. Stat. pap.

CHAP. III.

Containing divers philosophical speculations on war and negociations -- and shewing that a treaty of peace is a great national evil.

It was the opinion of that poetical philosopher Lucretius, that war was the original state of man; whom he described as being primitively a savage beast of prey, engaged in a constant state of hostility with his own species, and that this ferocious spirit was tamed and ameliorated by society. The same opinion has been advocated by the learned Hobbes, nor have there been wanting a host of sage philoso- phers to admit and defend it.

For my part, I am prodigiously fond of these valuable speculations so complimentary to human nature, and which are so ingeniously calculated to make beasts of both writer and reader; but in this instance I am inclined to take the proposition by halves, believing with old Horace,3 that though war may have been originally the favourite amuse- ment and industrious employment of our progeni- tors, yet like many other excellent habits, so far from being ameliorated, it has been cultivated and confirmed by refinement and civilization, and en- creases in exact proportion as we approach to- wards that state of perfection, which is the ne plus ultra of modern philosophy.

The first conflict between man and man was the mere exertion of physical force, unaided by auxiliary weapons -- his arm was his buckler, his fist was his mace, and a broken head the catastrophe of his encounters. The battle of unassisted strength, was succeeded by the more rugged one of stones and clubs, and war assumed a sanguinary aspect. As man advanced in refinement, as his faculties expanded, and his sensibilities became more exqui- site, he grew rapidly more ingenious and experienced, in the art of murdering his fellow beings. He invented a thousand devices to defend and to assault -- the helmet, the cuirass and the buckler; the sword, the dart and the javelin, prepared him to elude the wound, as well as to launch the blow. Still urging on, in the brilliant and philanthropic career of invention, he enlarges and heightens his powers of defence and injury -- The Aries, the Scorpio, the Balista and the Catapulta, give a horror and sublimity to war, and magnify its glory, by encreasing its desolation. Still insatiable; though armed with machinery that seemed to reach the limits of destructive invention, and to yield a power of injury, commensurate, even to the desires of revenge -- still deeper researches must be made in the diabolical arcana. With furious zeal he dives into the bowels of the earth; he toils midst poi- sonous minerals and deadly salts -- the sublime discovery of gunpowder, blazes upon the world -- and finally the dreadful art of fighting by procla- mation, seems to endow the demon of war, with ubiquity and omnipotence!

By the hand of my body but this is grand! -- this indeed marks the powers of mind, and bespeaks that divine endowment of reason, which distinguishes us from the animals, our inferiors. The unenlighten- ed brutes content themselves with the native force which providence has assigned them. The angry bull butts with his horns, as did his progenitors be- fore him -- the lion, the leopard, and the tyger, seek only with their talons and their fangs, to gratify their sanguinary fury; and even the subtle serpent darts the same venom, and uses the same wiles, as did his sire before the flood. Man alone, blessed with the inventive mind, goes on from discovery to discovery -- enlarges and multiplies his powers of destruction; arrogates the tremendous weapons of deity itself, and tasks creation to assist him, in mur- dering his brother worm!

In proportion as the art of war has increased in improvement, has the art of preserving peace ad- vanced in equal ratio. But as I have already been very prolix to but little purpose, in the first part of this truly philosophic chapter, I shall not fatigue my patient, but unlearned reader, in tracing the history of the art of making peace. Suffice it to say, as we have discovered in this age of wonders and inven- tions, that proclamation is the most formidable en- gine in war, so have we discovered the no less in- genious mode of maintaining peace by perpetual ne- gociations.

A treaty, or to speak more correctly a negocia- tion, therefore, according to the acceptation of your experienced statesmen, learned in these matters, is no longer an attempt to accommodate differences, to ascertain rights, and to establish an equitable ex- change of kind offices; but a contest of skill between two powers, which shall over-reach and take in the other. It is a cunning endeavour to obtain by peaceful manoeuvre, and the chicanery of cabinets, those advantages, which a nation would otherwise have wrested by force of arms. -- In the same man- ner that a conscientious highway-man reforms and becomes an excellent and praiseworthy citizen con- tenting himself with cheating his neighbour out of that property he would formerly have seized with open violence.

In fact the only time when two nations can be said to be in a state of perfect amity, is when a ne- gociation is open, and a treaty pending. Then as there are no stipulations entered into, no bonds to restrain the will, no specific limits to awaken that captious jealousy of right implanted in our nature, as both parties have some advantage to hope and expect from the other, then it is that the two na- tions are as gracious and friendly to each other, as two rogues making a bargain. Their ministers professing the highest mutual regard, exchanging billets-doux, making fine speeches and indulging in all those little diplomatic flirtations, coquetries and fondlings, that do so marvelously tickle the good humour of the respective nations. Thus it may paradoxically be said, that there is never so good an understanding between two nations, as when there is a little misunderstanding -- and that so long as they are on no terms, they are on the best terms in the world!

As I am of all men in the world, particularly historians, the most candid and unassuming, I would not for an instant claim the merit of having made the above political discovery. It has in fact long been secretly acted upon by certain enlightened cabinets, and is, together with divers other notable theories, privately copied out of the common place book of an illustrious gentleman, who has been member of congress, and enjoyed the unlimited con- fidence of heads of department. To this principle may be ascribed the wonderful ingenuity that has been shewn of late years in protracting and inter- rupting negociations. -- Hence the cunning measure of appointing as ambassador, some political pettifog- ger skilled in delays, sophisms, and misconstruc- tions, and dexterous in the art of baffling argument -- or some blundering statesman, whose stupid errors and misconstructions may be a plea for refusing to ratify his engagements. And hence too that most notable expedient, so popular with our government, of sending out a brace of ambassadors; who having each an individual will to consult, character to establish, and interest to promote, you may as well look for unanimity and concord between them, as between two lovers with one mistress, two dogs with one bone, or two naked rogues and one pair of breeches. This disagreement therefore is con- tinually breeding delays and impediments, in con- sequence of which the negociation goes on swim- mingly -- inasmuch as there is no prospect of its ever coming to a close. Nothing is lost by these delays and obstacles but time, and in a negociation, according to the theory I have exposed, all time lost, is in reality so much time gained -- with what delightful paradoxes, does the modern arcana of political economy abound!

Now all that I have here advanced is so notoriously true, that I almost blush to take up the time of my readers, with treating of matters which must many a time have stared them in the face. But the proposition to which I would most earnestly call their attention is this, that though a negociation is the most harmonizing of all national transactions, yet a treaty of peace is a great political evil and one of the most fruitful sources of war.

I have rarely seen an instance in my time, of any special contract between individuals, that did not produce jealousies, bickerings, and often down- right ruptures between them; nor did I ever know of a treaty between two nations, that did not keep them continually in hot water. How many worthy country neighbours have I known, who after living in peace and good fellowship for years, have been thrown into a state of distrust, cavilling and ani- mosity, by some ill starred agreement about fences, runs of water, and stray cattle. And how many well meaning nations, who would otherwise have remained in the most amiable disposition towards each other, have been brought to loggerheads about the infringement, or misconstruction of some treaty, which in an evil hour they had constructed by way of making their amity more sure.

Treaties at best are but complied with so long as interest requires their fulfillment; consequently they are virtually binding on the weaker party only, or in other words, they are not really binding at all. No nation will wantonly go to war with another if it has nothing to gain thereby, and therefore needs no treaty to restrain it from violence; and if it has any thing to gain, I much question, from what I have witnessed of the righteous conduct of nations, whether any treaty could be made so strong, that it could not thrust the sword through -- nay I would hold ten to one, the treaty itself, would be the very source to which resort would be had, to find a pretext for hostilities.

Thus therefore I sagely conclude -- that though it is the best of all policies for a nation to keep up a constant negociation with its neighbours, it is the utmost summit of folly, for it ever to be beguiled into a treaty; for then comes on the non-fulfilment and infraction, then remonstrance, then altercation, then retaliation, then recrimination and finally open war. In a word, negociation is like courtship, a time of sweet words, gallant speeches, soft looks and endearing caresses, but the marriage ceremony is the signal for hostilities -- and thus ends this very abstruse though very instructive chapter.

[3] Quum prorepserunt primis animalia terris, Mutum ac turpe pecus, glandem atque cubilia propter, Unguibus et pugnis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro Pugnabant armis, quæ post fabricaverat usus.

Hor. Sat. L. i. S 3.

CHAP. IV.

How Peter Stuyvesant was horribly belied by his adversaries the Moss Troopers -- and his con- duct thereupon.

If my pains-taking reader, whose perception, it is a hundred to one, is as obtuse as a beetle's, is not somewhat perplexed, in the course of the ra- tiocination of my last chapter; he will doubtless, at one glance perceive, that the great Peter, in conclu- ding a treaty with his eastern neighbours, was guil- ty of a most notable error and heterodoxy in poli- tics. To this unlucky agreement may justly be as- cribed a world of little infringements, altercations, negociations and bickerings, which afterwards took place between the irreproachable Stuyvesant, and the evil disposed council of amphyctions; in all which, with the impartial justice of an historian, I pronounce the latter to have been invariably in the wrong. All these did not a little disturb the con- stitutional serenity of the good and substantial burghers of Mannahata -- otherwise called Manhat- toes, but more vulgarly known by the name of Man- hattan. But in sooth they were so very scurvy and pitiful in their nature and effects, that a grave historian like me, who grudges the time spent in any thing less than recording the fall of empires, and the revolution of worlds, would think them un- worthy to be recorded in his sacred page.

The reader is therefore to take it for granted, though I scorn to waste in the detail, that time, which my furrowed brow and trembling hand, in- form me is invaluable, that all the while the great Peter was occupied in those tremendous and bloody contests, that I shall shortly rehearse, there was a continued series of little, dirty, snivelling, pettifog- ging skirmishes, scourings, broils and maraudings made on the eastern frontiers, by the notorious moss troopers of Connecticut. But like that mir- ror of chivalry, the sage and valourous Don Quix- ote, I leave these petty contests for some future Sancho Panza of an historian, while I reserve my prowess and my pen for achievements of higher dignity.

Now did the great Peter conclude, that his la- bours had come to a close in the east, and that he had nothing to do but apply himself to the internal prosperity of his beloved Manhattoes. Though a man of great modesty, he could not help boasting that he had at length shut the temple of Janus, and that, were all rulers like a certain person who should be nameless, it would never be opened again. But the exultation of the worthy governor was put to a speedy check, for scarce was the treaty concluded, and hardly was the ink dried on the paper, before the crafty and discourteous council of the league sought a new pretence for reilluming the flames of discord.

In the year 1651, with a flagitious hardihood that makes my gorge to rise while I write, they ac- cused the immaculate Peter -- the soul of honour and heart of steel -- that by divers gifts and promi- ses he had been secretly endeavouring to instigate the Narrohigansett (or Narraganset) Mohaque and Pequot Indians, to surprize and massacre the En- glish settlements. For, as the council maliciously observed, "the Indians round about for divers hun- dred miles cercute, seeme to have drunke deep of an intoxicating cupp, att or from the Monhatoes against the English, whoe have sought there good, both in bodily and sperituall respects." To sup- port their most unrighteous accusation, they examin- ed divers Indians, who all swore to the fact as stur- dily as if they had been so many christian troopers. And to be more sure of their veracity, the knowing council previously made every mother's son of them devoutly drunk, remembering the old proverb -- In vino veritas.

Though descended from a family which suffer- ed much injury from the losel Yankees of those times; my great grandfather having had a yoke of oxen and his best pacer stolen, and having received a pair of black eyes and a bloody nose, in one of these border wars; and my grandfather, when a very little boy tending the pigs, having been kid- napped and severely flogged by a long sided Con- necticut schoolmaster -- Yet I should have passed over all these wrongs with forgiveness and oblivion -- I could even have suffered them to have broken Evert Ducking's head, to have kicked the doughty Jacobus Van Curlet and his ragged regiment out of doors, carried every hog into captivity, and de- populated every hen roost, on the face of the earth with perfect impunity -- But this wanton, wicked and unparalleled attack, upon one of the most gallant and irreproachable heroes of modern times, is too much even for me to digest, and has overset, with a single puff, the patience of the historian and the forbearance of the Dutchman.

Oh reader it was false! -- I swear to thee it was false! -- if thou hast any respect for my word -- if the undeviating and unimpeached character for veracity, which I have hitherto borne throughout this work, has its due weight with thee, thou wilt not give thy faith to this tale of slander; for I pledge my honour and my immortal fame to thee, that the gallant Peter Stuyvesant, was not only innocent of this foul conspiracy, but would have suffered his right arm, or even his wooden leg to consume with slow and everlasting flames, rather than attempt to destroy his enemies in any other way, than open generous warfare -- Beshrew those caitiff scouts, that conspired to sully his honest name by such an imputation!

Peter Stuyvesant, though he perhaps had never heard of a Knight Errant; yet had he as true a heart of chivalry as ever beat at the round table of King Arthur. There was a spirit of native gal- lantry, a noble and generous hardihood diffused through his rugged manners, which altogether gave unquestionable tokens of an heroic mind. He was, in truth, a hero of chivalry struck off by the hand of nature at a single heat, and though she had taken no further care to polish and refine her workman- ship, he stood forth a miracle of her skill.

But not to be figurative, (a fault in historic writing which I particularly) eschew the great Peter possessed in an eminent degree, the seven renown- ed and noble virtues of knighthood; which, as he had never consulted authors, in the disciplining and cultivating of his mind, I verily believe must have been stowed away in a corner of his heart by dame nature herself -- where they flourished, among his hardy qualities, like so many sweet wild flowers, shooting forth and thriving with redundant luxuri- ance among stubborn rocks. Such was the mind of Peter the Headstrong, and if my admiration for it, has on this occasion, transported my style beyond the sober gravity which becomes the laborious scribe of historic events, I can plead as an apology, that though a little, grey headed Dutchman, arrived almost at the bottom of the down-hill of life, I still retain some portion of that celestial fire, which sparkles in the eye of youth, when contemplating the virtues and atchievements of ancient worthies. Blessed, thrice and nine times blessed, be the good St. Nicholas -- that I have escaped the influence of that chilling apathy, which too often freezes the sympathies of age; which like a churlish spirit, sits at the portals of the heart, repulsing every genial sentiment, and paralyzing every spontaneous glow of enthusiasm.

No sooner then, did this scoundrel imputation on his honour reach the ear of Peter Stuyvesant, than he proceeded in a manner which would have redounded to his credit, even if he had studied for years, in the library of Don Quixote himself. He immediately dispatched his valiant trumpeter and squire, Antony Van Corlear, with orders to ride night and day, as herald, to the Amphyctionic council, reproaching them in terms of noble indig- nation, for giving ear to the slanders of heathen in- fidels, against the character of a Christian, a gen- tleman and a soldier -- and declaring, that as to the treacherous and bloody plot alledged against him, whoever affirmed it to be true, he lied in his teeth! -- to prove which he defied the president of the council and all of his compeers, or if they pleased, their puissant champion, captain Alicxsander Part- ridg that mighty man of Rhodes, to meet him in single combat, where he would trust the vindication of his innocence to the prowess of his arm.

This challenge being delivered with due cere- mony, Antony Van Corlear sounded a trumpet of defiance before the whole council, ending with a most horrific and nasal twang, full in the face of captain Partridg, who almost jumped out of his skin in an extacy of astonishment, at the noise. This done he mounted a tall Flanders mare, which he always rode, and trotted merrily towards the Man- hattoes -- passing through Hartford, and Pyquag and Middletown and all the other border towns -- twanging his trumpet like a very devil, so that the sweet vallies and banks of the Connecticut resound- ed with the warlike melody -- and stopping occa- sionally to eat pumpkin pies, dance at country fro- licks, and bundle with the beauteous lasses of those parts -- whom he rejoiced exceedingly with his soul stirring instrument.

But the grand council being composed of con- siderate men, had no idea of running a tilting with such a fiery hero as the hardy Peter -- on the con- trary they sent him an answer, couched in the meekest, the most mild and provoking terms, in which they assured him that his guilt was proved to their perfect satisfaction, by the testimony of divers sage and respectable Indians, and conclud- ing with this truly amiable paragraph. -- "For youer confidant denialls of the Barbarous plott charged, will waigh little in ballance against such evidence, soe that we must still require and seeke due satisfaction and cecuritie, soe we rest,

Sir, Youres in wayes of Righteousness,

I am conscious that the above transaction has been differently recorded by certain historians of the east, and elsewhere; who seem to have inherited the bitter enmity of their ancestors to the brave Peter -- and much good may their inheritance do them. These moss troopers in literature, whom I regard with sovereign scorn, as mere vampers up of vulgar prejudices and fabulous legends, declare, that Peter Stuyvesant requested to have the charges against him, enquired into, by commissioners to be appointed for the purpose; and yet that when such commissioners were appointed, he refused to sub- mit to their examination. Now this is partly true -- he did indeed, most gallantly offer, when that he found a deaf ear was turned to his challenge, to sub- mit his conduct to the rigorous inspection of a court of honour -- but then he expected to find it an august tribunal, composed of courteous gentlemen, the go- vernors and nobility, of the confederate plantations, and of the province of New Netherlands; where he might be tried by his peers, in a manner worthy of his rank and dignity -- whereas, let me perish, if they did not send on to the Manhattoes two lean sided hungry pettifoggers, mounted on Narraganset pacers, with saddle bags under their bottoms, and green satchels under their arms, as if they were about to beat the hoof from one county court to another -- in search of a law suit.

The chivalric Peter, as well he might, took no notice of these cunning varlets; who with professional industry fell to prying and sifting about, in quest of ex parte evidence; bothering and perplexing divers simple Indians and old women, with their cross questioning, until they contradicted and forswore themselves most horribly -- as is every day done in our courts of justice. Thus having dispatched their errand to their full satisfation, they returned to the grand council with their satchels and saddle- bags stuffed full of the most scurvy rumours, apo- cryphal stories and outrageous heresies, that ever were heard -- for all which the great Peter did not care a tobacco stopper; but I warrant me had they attempted to play off the same trick upon William the Testy, he would have treated them both to an ærial gambol on his patent gallows.

The grand council of the east, held a very solemn meeting on the return of their envoys, and after they had pondered a long time on the situation of affairs, were upon the point of adjourning without being able to agree upon any thing. At this critical moment one of those little, meddlesome, indefatigable spirits, who endeavour to establish a character for patriotism by blowing the bellows of party, until the whole fur- nace of politics is red-hot with sparks and cinders -- and who have just cunning enough to know, that there is no time so favourable for getting on the peo- ple's backs, as when they are in a state of turmoil, and attending to every body's business but their own -- This aspiring imp of faction, who was called a great politician, because he had secured a seat in council by calumniating all his opponents -- He I say, conceived this a fit opportunity to strike a blow that should secure his popularity among his consti- tuents, who lived on the borders of Nieuw Neder- landt, and were the greatest poachers in Christen- dom, excepting the Scotch border nobles. Like a second Peter the hermit, therefore, he stood forth and preached up a crusade against Peter Stuyve- sant, and his devoted city.

He made a speech which lasted three days, ac- cording to the ancient custom in these parts, in which he represented the dutch as a race of impious here- tics, who neither believed in witchcraft, nor the sovereign virtues of horse shoes -- who, left their country for the lucre of gain, not like themselves for the enjoyment of liberty of conscience -- who, in short, were a race of mere cannibals and anthropo- phagi, inasmuch as they never eat cod-fish on satur- days, devoured swine's flesh without molasses, and held pumpkins in utter contempt.

This speech had the desired effect, for the coun- cil, being awakened by their serjeant at arms, rub- bed their eyes, and declared that it was just and politic to declare instant war against these unchris- tian anti-pumpkinites. But it was necessary that the people at large should first be prepared for this measure, and for this purpose the arguments of the little orator were earnestly preached from the pul- pit for several sundays subsequent, and earnestly recommended to the consideration of every good Christian, who professed, as well as practised the doctrine of meekness, charity, and the forgiveness of injuries. This is the first time we hear of the "Drum Ecclesiastic" beating up for political re- cruits in our country; and it proved of such signal efficacy, that it has since been called into frequent service throughout our union. A cunning politician is often found skulking under the clerical robe, with an outside all religion, and an inside all political rancour. Things spiritual and things temporal are strangely jumbled together, like poisons and anti- dotes on an apothecary's shelf, and instead of a de- vout sermon, the simple church-going folk, have often a political pamphlet, thrust down their throats, labeled with a pious text from Scripture.

CHAP. V.

How the New Amsterdammers became great in arms, and of the direful catastrophe of a mighty army -- together with Peter Stuyvesant's mea- sures to fortify the City -- and how he was the original founder of the Battery.

But notwithstanding that the grand council, as I have already shewn, were amazingly discreet in their proceedings respecting the New Nether- lands, and conducted the whole with almost as much silence and mystery, as does the sage British cabi- net one of its ill star'd secret expeditions -- yet did the ever watchful Peter receive as full and accurate in- formation of every movement, as does the court of France of all the notable enterprises I have men- tioned. -- He accordingly set himself to work, to render the machinations of his bitter adversaries abortive.

I know that many will censure the precipitation of this stout hearted old governor, in that he hur- ried into the expenses of fortification, without as- certaining whether they were necessary, by pru- dently waiting until the enemy was at the door. But they should recollect Peter Stuyvesant had not the benefit of an insight into the modern arcana of politics, and was strangely bigotted to certain obso- lete maxims of the old school; among which he firmly believed, that, to render a country respected abroad, it was necessary to make it formidable at home -- and that a nation should place its reliance for peace and security, more upon its own strength, than on the justice or good will of its neighbours. -- He proceeded therefore, with all diligence, to put the province and metropolis in a strong posture of defence.

Among the few remnants of ingenious inven- tions which remained from the days of William the Testy, were those impregnable bulwarks of public safety, militia laws; by which the inhabitants were obliged to turn out twice a year, with such military equipments -- as it pleased God; and were put un- der the command of very valiant taylors, and man milliners, who though on ordinary occasions, the meekest, pippen-hearted little men in the world, were very devils at parades and court-martials, when they had cocked hats on their heads, and swords by their sides. Under the instructions of these periodical warriors, the gallant train bands made marvellous proficiency in the mystery of gun- powder. They were taught to face to the right, to wheel to the left, to snap off empty firelocks with- out winking, to turn a corner without any great up- roar or irregularity, and to march through sun and rain from one end of the town to the other without flinching -- until in the end they became so valour- ous that they fired off blank cartridges, without so much as turning away their heads -- could hear the largest field piece discharged, without stopping their ears or falling into much confusion -- and would even go through all the fatigues and perils of a sum- mer day's parade, without having their ranks much thinned by desertion!

True it is, the genius of this truly pacific peo- ple was so little given to war, that during the inter- vals which occurred between field days, they gene- rally contrived to forget all the military tuition they had received; so that when they re-appeared on pa- rade, they scarcely knew the butt end of the musket from the muzzle, and invariably mistook the right shoulder for the left -- a mistake which however was soon obviated by shrewdly chalking their left arms. But whatever might be their blunders and aukwardness, the sagacious Kieft, declared them to be of but little importance -- since, as he judiciously observed, one campaign would be of more instruc- tion to them than a hundred parades; for though two-thirds of them might be food for powder, yet such of the other third as did not run away, would become most experienced veterans.

The great Stuyvesant had no particular venera- tion for the ingenious experiments and institutions of his shrewd predecessor, and among other things, held the militia system in very considerable con- tempt, which he was often heard to call in joke -- for he was sometimes fond of a joke -- governor Kieft's broken reed. As, however, the present emergency was pressing, he was obliged to avail himself of such means of defence as were next at hand, and accor- dingly appointed a general inspection and parade of the train bands. But oh! Mars and Bellona, and all ye other powers of war, both great and small, what a turning out was here! -- Here came men without officers, and officers without men -- long fowling pieces, and short blunderbusses -- muskets of all sorts and sizes, some without bayonets, others without locks, others without stocks, and many without lock, stock, or barrel. -- Cartridge-boxes, shot belts, powder-horns, swords, hatchets, snick- er-snees, crow-bars, and broomsticks, all mingled higgledy, piggledy -- like one of our continental ar- mies at the breaking out of the revolution.

The sturdy Peter eyed this ragged regiment with some such rueful aspect, as a man would eye the devil; but knowing, like a wise man, that all he had to do was to make the best out of a bad bar- gain, he determined to give his heroes a seasoning. Having therefore drilled them through the ma- nual exercise over and over again, he ordered the fifes to strike up a quick march, and trudged his sturdy boots backwards and forwards, about the streets of New Amsterdam, and the fields adja- cent, till I warrant me, their short legs ached, and their fat sides sweated again. But this was not all; the martial spirit of the old governor caught fire from the sprightly music of the fife, and he re- solved to try the mettle of his troops, and give them a taste of the hardships of iron war. To this end he encamped them as the shades of evening fell, upon a hill formerly called Bunker's hill, at some distance from the town, with a full intention of initiating them into the dicipline of camps, and of renewing the next day, the toils and perils of the field. But so it came to pass, that in the night there fell a great and heavy rain, which descended in torrents upon the camp, and the mighty army of swing tails strangely melted away before it; so that when Gaffer Phoebus came to shed his morn- ing beams upon the place, saving Peter Stuyvesant and his trumpeter Van Corlear, scarce one was to be found of all the multitude, that had taken roost there the night before.

This awful dissolution of his army would have appalled a commander of less nerve than Peter Stuyvesant; but he considered it as a matter of but small importance, though he thenceforward regarded the militia system with ten times greater contempt than ever, and took care to provide him- self with a good garrison of chosen men, whom he kept in pay, of whom he boasted that they at least possessed the quality, indispensible in sol- diers, of being water proof.

The next care of the vigilant Stuyvesant, was to strengthen and fortify New Amsterdam. For this purpose he reared a substantial barrier that reached across the island from river to river, being the distance of a full half a mile! -- a most stupend- ous work, and scarcely to be rivalled in the opinion of the old inhabitants, by the great wall of China, or the Roman wall erected in Great Britain against the incursions of the Scots, or the wall of brass that Dr. Faustus proposed to build round Ger- many, by the aid of the devil.

The materials of which this wall was construct- ed are differently described, but from a majority of opinions I am inclined to believe that it was a picket fence of especial good pine posts, intended to protect the city, not merely from the sudden in- vasions of foreign enemies, but likewise from the incursions of the neighbouring Indians.

Some traditions it is true, have ascribed the building of this wall to a later period, but they are wholly incorrect; for a memorandum in the Stuy- vesant manuscript, dated towards the middle of the governor's reign, mentions this wall particularly, as a very strong and curious piece of workmanship, and the admiration of all the savages in the neigh- bourhood. And it mentions moreover the alarm- ing circumstance of a drove of stray cows, breaking through the grand wall of a dark night; by which the whole community of New Amsterdam was thrown into as great panic, as were the people of Rome, by the sudden irruptions of the Gauls, or the valiant citizens of Philadelphia, during the time of our revolution: by a fleet of empty kegs floating down the Delaware.4

But the vigilance of the governor was more especially manifested by an additional fortification which he erected as an out work to fort Amster- dam, to protect the sea bord, or water edge. I have ascertained by the most painful and minute investigation, that it was neither fortified accord- ing to the method of Evrard de Bar-le-duc, that earliest inventor of complete system; the dutch plan of Marollois; the French method invented by by Antoine de Ville; the Flemish of Stevin de Bruges; the Polish of Adam de Treitach, or the Italian of Sardi.

He did not pursue either of the three systems of Pagan; the three of Vauban; the three of Schei- ter; the three of Coehorn, that illustrious dutch- man, who adapted all his plans to the defence of low and marshy countries -- or the hundred and sixty methods, laid down by Francisco Marchi of Bologna.

The fortification did not consist of a Polygon, inscribed in a circle, according to Alain Manesson Maillet; nor with four long batteries, agreeably to the expensive system of Blondel; nor with the fortification a rebours of Dona Rosetti, nor the Caponiere Couverte, of the ingenious St. Julien; nor with angular polygons and numerous case- mates, as recommended by Antoine d'Herbert; who served under the duke of Wirtemberg, grandfa- ther to the second wife, and first queen of Jerome Bonaparte -- otherwise called Jerry Sneak.

It was neither furnished with bastions, fash- ioned after the original invention of Zisca, the Bohemian; nor those used by Achmet Bassa, at Otranto in 1480; nor those recommended by San Micheli of Verona; neither those of triangular form, treated of by Specle, the high dutch engineer of Strasbourg, or the famous wooden bastions, since erected in this renowned city, the destruction of which, is recorded in a former chapter. In fact governor Stuyvesant, like the celebrated Mon- talembert, held bastions in absolute contempt; yet did he not like him substitute a tenaille angulaire des polygons à ailerons.

He did not make use of Myrtella towers, as are now erecting at Quebec; neither did he erect flagstaffs and windmills as was done by his illus- trious predecessor of Saardam; nor did he employ circular castellated towers, or batteries with two tier of heavy artillery, and a third of columbiads on the top; as are now erecting for the defence of this defenceless city.

My readers will perhaps be surprized, that out of so many systems, governor Stuyvesant should find none to suit him; this may be tolerably ac- counted for, by the simple fact, that many of them were unfortunately invented long since his time; and as to the rest, he was as ignorant of them, as the child that never was and never will be born. In truth, it is more than probable, that had they all been spread before him, with as many more into the bargain; that same peculiarity of mind, that acquired him the name of Hard-kopping Piet, would have induced him to follow his own plans, in preference to them all. In a word, he pursued no system either past, present or to come; he equally disdained to imitate his predecessors, of whom he had never heard -- his contemporaries, whom he did not know; or his unborn successors, whom, to say the truth, he never once thought of in his whole life. His great and capacious mind was convinced, that the simplest method is often the most efficient and certainly the most expeditious, he therefore fortified the water edge with a formi- dable mud breast work, solidly faced, after the manner of the dutch ovens common in those days, with clam shells.

These frowning bulwarks in process of time, came to be pleasantly overrun by a verdant carpet of grass and clover, and their high embankments overshadowed by wide spreading sycamores, among whose foilage the little birds sported about, making the air to resound with their joyous notes. The old burghers would repair of an afternoon to smoke their pipes under the shade of their branches, con- templating the golden sun as he gradually sunk into the west an emblem of that tranquil end toward which themselves were hastening -- while the young men and the damsels of the town would take many a moonlight stroll among these favourite haunts, watching the silver beams of chaste Cynthia, trem- ble along the calm bosom of the bay, or light up the white sail of some gliding bark, and inter- changing the honest vows of constant affection. Such was the origin of that renowned walk, the Battery, which though ostensibly devoted to the purposes of war, has ever been consecrated to the sweet delights of peace. The favourite walk of declining age -- the healthful resort of the feeble invalid -- the sunday refreshment of the dusty trades- man -- the scene of many a boyish gambol -- the rendezvous of many a tender assignation -- the comfort of the citizen -- the ornament of New York, and the pride of the lovely island of Mannahata.

[4] In an antique view of Nieuw Amsterdam, taken some few years after the above period, is an accurate representation of this wall, which stretched along the course of Wall-street, so called in commemoration of this great bulwark. One gate, called the Land-poort opened upon Broadway, hard by where at present stands the Trinity Church; and another called the Water-poort, stood about where the Tontine coffee-house is at present -- opening upon Smits Vleye, or as it is commonly called Smith fly; then a marshy valley, with a creek or inlet, extending up what we call maiden lane.

CHAP. VI.

How the people of the east country were suddenly afflicted with a diabolical evil -- and their judici- ous measures for the extirpation thereof.

Having thus provided for the temporary secu- rity of New Amsterdam, and guarded it against any sudden surprise, the gallant Peter took a hear- ty pinch of snuff, and snapping his fingers, set the great council of Amphyctions, aud their champion, the doughty Alicxsander Partridg at defiance. It is impossible to say, notwithstanding, what might have been the issue of this affair, had not the great council been all at once involved in huge perplexity, and as much horrible dissension sown among its members, as of yore was stirred up in the camp of the brawling warriors of Greece.

The all potent council of the league, as I have shewn in my last chapter, had already announced its hostile determinations, and already was the mighty colony of New Haven and the puissant town of Py- quag, otherwise called Wethersfield -- famous for its onions and its witches -- and the great trading house of Hartford, and all the other redoubtable lit- tle border towns, in a prodigious turmoil, furbishing up their rusty fowling pieces and shouting aloud for war; by which they anticipated easy conquests, and gorgeous spoils, from the little fat dutch villages. But this joyous brawling was soon silenced by the conduct of the colony of Massachusetts. Struck with the gallant spirit of the brave old Peter, and convinced by the chivalric frankness and heroic warmth of his vindication, they refused to believe him guilty of the infamous plot most wrongfully laid at his door. With a generosity for which I would yield them immortal honour, they declared, that no determination of the grand council of the league, should bind the general court of Massachu- setts, to join in an offensive war, which should appear to such general court to be unjust.5

This refusal immediately involved the colony of Massachusetts and the other combined colonies, in very serious difficulties and disputes, and would no doubt have produced a dissolution of the confe- deracy, but that the great council of Amphyctions, finding that they could not stand alone, if mutilated by the loss of so important a member as Massachu- setts, were fain to abandon for the present their hos- tile machinations against the Manhattoes. Such is the marvellous energy and puissance of those nota- ble confederacies, composed of a number of sturdy, self-will'd, discordant parts, loosely banded toge- ther by a puny general government. As it is how- ever, the warlike towns of Connecticut, had no cause to deplore this disappointment of their mar- tial ardour; for by my faith -- though the combined powers of the league might have been too potent in the end, for the robustious warriors of the Man- hattoes -- yet in the interim would the lion hearted Peter and his myrmidons, have choaked the sto- machful heroes of Pyquag with their own onions, and have given the other little border towns such a scouring, that I warrant they would have had no stomach to squat on the land, or invade the hen- roost of a New Nederlander for a century to come.

Indeed there was more than one cause to divert the attention of the good people of the east, from their hostile purposes; for just about this time were they horribly beleagured and harassed by the in- roads of the prince of darkness, divers of whose liege subjects they detected, lurking within their camp, all of whom they incontinently roasted as so many spies, and dangerous enemies. Not to speak in parables, we are informed, that at this juncture, the unfortunate "east countrie" was exceedingly troubled and confounded by multitudes of losel witches, who wrought strange devices to beguile and distress the multitude; and notwithstanding nu- merous judicious and bloody laws had been enacted, against all "solem conversing or compacting with the divil, by way of conjuracon or the like,"6 yet did the dark crime of witchcraft continue to en- crease to an alarming degree, that would almost transcend belief, were not the fact too well authenti- cated to be even doubted for an instant.

What is particularly worthy of admiration is, that this terrible art, which so long has baffled the painful researches, and abstruse studies of philoso- phers, astrologers, alchymists, theurgists and other sages, was chiefly confined to the most ignorant, decrepid, ugly, abominable old women in the com- munity, who had scarcely more brains than the broomsticks they rode upon. Where they first ac- quired their infernal education -- whether from the works of the ancient Theurgists -- the demonology of the Egyptians -- the belomancy, or divination by arrows of the Scythians -- the spectrology of the Germans -- the magic of the Persians -- the enchant- ment of the Laplanders, or from the archives of the dark and mysterious caverns of the Dom Dan- iel, is a question pregnant with a host of learned and ingenious doubts -- particularly as most of them were totally unversed in the occult mysteries of the alphabet.

When once an alarm is sounded, the public, who love dearly to be in a panic, are not long in want of proofs to support it -- raise but the cry of yellow fever, and immediately every head-ache, and indigestion, and overflowing of the bile is pro- nounced the terrible epidemic -- In like manner in the present instance, whoever was troubled with a cholic or lumbago, was sure to be bewitched, and woe to any unlucky old woman that lived in his neighbourhood. Such a howling abomination could not be suffered to remain long unnoticed, and it ac- cordingly soon attracted the fiery indignation of the sober and reflective part of the community -- more especially of those, who, whilome, had evinced so much active benevolence in the conversion of qua- kers and anabaptists. The grand council of the amphyctions publicly set their faces against so deadly and dangerous a sin, and a severe scrutiny took place after those nefarious witches, who were easily detected by devil's pinches, black cats, broom- sticks, and the circumstance of their only being able to weep three tears, and those out of the left eye.

It is incredible the number of offences that were detected, "for every one of which," says the pro- found and reverend Cotton Mather, in that excel- lent work, the history of New England -- "we have such a sufficient evidence, that no reasonable man in this whole country ever did question them; and it will be unreasonable to do it in any other."

Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian John Josselyn, Gent. furnishes us with unquestiona- ble facts on this subject. "There are none," ob- serves he "that beg in this country, but there be witches too many -- bottle bellied witches and others, that produce many strange apparitions, if you will be- lieve report of a shalop at sea manned with women -- and of a ship and great red horse standing by the main mast; the ship being in a small cove to the east- ward vanished of a sudden,"

The number of delinquents, however, and their magical devices, were not more remarkable than their diabolical obstinacy. Though exhorted in the most solemn, persuasive and affectionate manner, to confess themselves guilty, and be burnt for the good of religion, and the entertainment of the pub- lic; yet did they most pertinaciously persist in as- serting their innocence. Such incredible obstinacy was in itself deserving of immediate punishment, and was sufficient proof, if proof were necessary, that they were in league with the devil, who is per- verseness itself. But their judges were just and merciful, and were determined to punish none that were not convicted on the best of testimony; not that they needed any evidence to satisfy their own minds, for, like true and experienced judges their minds were perfectly made up, and they were thoroughly satisfied of the guilt of the prisoners before they proceeded to try them; but still something was necessary to convince the community at large -- to quiet those prying quid nuncs who should come after them -- in short, the world must be satisfied. Oh the world -- the world! -- all the world knows the world of trouble the world is eternally occasioning! -- The worthy judges there- fore, like myself in this most authentic, minute and satisfactory of all histories, were driven to the ne- cessity of sifting, detecting and making evident as noon day, matters which were at the commence- ment all clearly understood and firmly decided upon in their own own pericraniums -- so that it may truly be said, that the witches were burnt, to gratify the populace of the day -- but were tried for the satis- faction of the whole world that should come after them!

Finding therefore that neither exhortation, sound reason, nor friendly entreaty had any avail on these hardened offenders, they resorted to the more ur- gent arguments of the torture, and having thus ab- solutely wrung the truth from their stubborn lips -- they condemned them to undergo the roasting due unto the heinous crimes they had confessed. Some even carried their perverseness so far, as to expire under the torture, protesting their innocence to the last; but these were looked upon as thoroughly and absolutely possessed, and governed by the devil, and the pious bye-standers, only lamented that they had not lived a little longer, to have perished in the flames.

In the city of Ephesus, we are told, that the plague was expelled by stoning a ragged old beg- gar to death, whom Appolonius pointed out as be- ing the evil spirit that caused it, and who actually shewed himself to be a demon, by changing into a shagged dog. In like manner, and by measures equally sagacious, a salutary check was given to this growing evil. The witches were all burnt, banished or panic struck, and in a little while there was not an ugly old woman to be found throughout New England -- which is doubtless one reason why all their young women are so handsome. Those honest folk who had suffered from their in- cantations gradually recovered, excepting such as had been afflicted with twitches and aches, which, however assumed the less alarming aspects of rheu- matisms, sciatics and lumbagos -- and the good people of New England, abandoning the study of the occult sciences, turned their attention to the more profitable hocus pocus of trade, and soon be- came expert in the legerdemain art of turning a pen- ny. Still however, a tinge of the old leaven is dis- cernable, even unto this day, in their characters -- witches occasionally start up among them in differ- ent disguises, as physicians, civilians, and divines. The people at large shew a 'cuteness, a cleverness, and a profundity of wisdom, that savours strongly of witchcraft -- and it has been remarked, that when- ever any stones fall from the moon, the greater part of them are sure to tumble into New England!

[5] Haz. Col. S. Pap.

[6] New Plymouth record.

CHAP VII.

Which records the rise and renown of a valiant commander, shewing that a man, like a bladder, may be puffed up to greatness and importance, by mere wind.

When treating of these tempestuous times, the unknown writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, breaks out into a vehement apostrophe, in praise of the good St. Nicholas; to whose protecting care he entirely ascribes the strange dissentions that broke out in the council of the amphyctions, and the direful witchcraft that prevailed in the east country -- whereby the hostile machinations against the Nederlanders were for a time frustrated, and his favourite city of New Amsterdam, preserved from imminent peril and deadly warfare. Darkness and lowering superstition hung over the fair valleys of the east; the pleasant banks of the Connecticut, no longer echoed with the sounds of rustic gaiety; direful phantoms and portentous apparitions were seen in the air -- gliding spectrums haunted every wildbrook and dreary glen -- strange voices, made by viewless forms, were heard in desart solitudes -- and the border towns were so occupied in detecting and punishing the knowing old women, that had pro- duced these alarming appearances, that for a while the province of New Nederlandt and its inhabitants were totally forgotten.

The great Peter therefore, finding that nothing was to be immediately apprehended from his eastern neighbours, turned himself about with a praisewor- thy vigilance that ever distinguished him, to put a stop to the insults of the Swedes. These lossel freebooters my attentive reader will recollect had begun to be very troublesome towards the latter part of the reign of William the Testy, having set the proclamations of that doughty little governor at naught, and put the intrepid Jan Jansen Alpendam to a perfect non plus!

Peter Stuyvesant, however, as has already been shewn, was a governor of different habits and turn of mind -- without more ado he immediately issued orders for raising a corps of troops to be stationed on the southern frontier, under the command of brigadier general Jacobus Von Poffenburgh. This illustrious warrior had risen to great importance during the reign of Wihelmus Keift, and if histories speak true, was second in command to the gallant Van Curlet, when he and his ragged regiment were inhumanly kicked out of Fort Good Hope by the Yankees. In consequence of having been in such a "memorable affair," and of having received more wounds on a certain honourable part that shall be nameless, than any of his comrades, he was ever after considered as a hero, who had "seen some service." Certain it is, he enjoyed the un- limited confidence and friendship of William the Testy; who would sit for hours and listen with wonder to his gunpowder narratives of surprising victories -- he had never gained: and dreadful bat- tles -- from which he had run away; and the governor was once heard to declare that had he lived in ancient times, he might unquestionably have claimed the armour of Achilles -- being not merely like Ajax, a mighty blustering man of battle, but in the cabinet a second Ulysses, that is to say, very valiant of speech and long winded -- all which, as nobody in New Amsterdam knew aught of the ancient heroes in question, passed totally uncontradicted.

It was tropically observed by honest old Socrates, of hen-pecked memory, that heaven had infused into some men at their birth a portion of intellectual gold; into others of intellectual silver; while others were bounteously furnished out with abundance of brass and iron -- now of this last class was undoubt- edly the great general Von Poffenburgh, and from the great display he continually made, I am inclined to think that dame nature, who will sometimes be partial, had blessed him with enough of those valuable materials to have fitted up a dozen ordinary braziers. But what is most to be admired is, that he contrived to pass off all his brass and copper upon Wilhelmus Kieft, who was no great judge of base coin, as pure and genuine gold. The consequence was, that upon the resignation of Jacobus Van Cur- let, who after the loss of fort Goed Hoop retired like a veteran general, to live under the shade of his laurels, the mighty "copper captain" was pro- moted to his station. This he filled with great importance, always styling himself "commander in chief of the armies of the New Netherlands;" though to tell the truth the armies, or rather army, consisted of a handful of half uniformed, hen stealing, bottle bruizing raggamuffins.

Such was the character of the warrior appointed by Peter Stuyvesant to defend his southern frontier, nor may it be uninteresting to my reader to have a glimpse of his person. He was not very tall, but notwithstanding, a huge, full bodied man, whose size did not so much arise from his being fat, as windy; being so completely inflated with his own importance, that he resembled one of those puffed up bags of wind, which old Eolus, in an incredible fit of generosity, gave to that vagabond warrior Ulysses.

His dress comported with his character, for he had almost as much brass and copper without, as nature had stored away within -- His coat was cros- sed and slashed, and carbonadoed, with stripes of copper lace, and swathed round the body with a crimson sash, of the size and texture of a fishing net, doubtless to keep his valiant heart from bursting through his ribs. His head and whiskers were pro fusely powdered, from the midst of which his full blooded face glowed like a fiery furnace; and his magnanimous soul seemed ready to bounce out at a pair of large glassy blinking eyes, which projected like those of a lobster.

I swear to thee, worthy reader, if report belie not this great general, I would give half my for- tune (which at this moment is not enough to pay the bill of my landlord) to have seen him accou- tered cap-a-pie, in martial array -- booted to the middle -- sashed to the chin -- collared to the ears -- whiskered to the muzzle -- crowned with an over- shadowing cocked-hat, and girded with a leathern belt ten inches broad, from which trailed a faulchion of a length that I dare not mention.

Thus equipped, he strutted about, as bitter look- ing a man of war as the far-famed More of More Hall, when he sallied forth, armed at all points, to slay the Dragon of Wantley -- "Had you but seen him in this dress

How fierce he look'd and how big; You would have thought him for to be

Some Egyptian Porcupig. He frighted all, cats, dogs and all,

Each cow, each horse, and each hog; For fear they did flee, for they took him to be

Some strange outlandish hedge hog."7

Notwithstanding all the great endowments and transcendent qualities of this renowned general, I must confess he was not exactly the kind of man that the gallant Peter the Headstrong would have chosen to command his troops -- but the truth is, that in those days the province did not abound, as at pre- sent, in great military characters; who like so many Cincinnatuses people every little village -- marshal- ling out cabbages, instead of soldiers, and signa- lizing themselves in the corn field, instead of the field of battle. Who have surrendered the toils of war, for the more useful but inglorious arts of peace, and so blended the laurel with the olive, that you may have a general for a landlord, a colonel for a stage driver, and your horse shod by a valiant "captain of volunteers" -- Neither had the great Stuyvesant an opportunity of choosing, like modern rulers, from a loyal band of editors of newspapers -- no mention being made in the histories of the times, of any such class of mercenaries, being retained in pay by government, either as trumpeters, cham- pions, or body guards. The redoubtable general Von Poffenburgh, therefore, was appointed to the command of the new levied troops; chiefly because there were no competitors for the station, and partly because it would have been a breach of military etiquette, to have appointed a younger officer over his head -- an injustice, which the great Peter would rather have died than have committed.

No sooner did this thrice valiant copper cap- tain receive marching orders, than he conducted his army undauntedly to the southern frontier; through wild lands and savage deserts; over in- surmountable mountains, across impassable floods and through impenetrable forests; subduing a vast tract of uninhabited country, and overturning, dis- comfiting and making incredible slaughter of cer- tain hostile hosts of grass-hoppers, toads and pis- mires, which had gathered together to oppose his progress -- an achievement unequalled in the pages of history, save by the farfamed retreat of old Xenephon and his ten thousand Grecians. All this accomplished, he established on the South (or Delaware) river, a redoubtable redoubt, named Fort Casimer, in honour of a favourite pair of brimstone coloured trunk breeches of the go- vernor's. As this fort will be found to give rise to very important and interesting events, it may be worth while to notice that it was afterwards called Neiuw Amstel, and was the original germ of the present flourishing town of New Castle, an ap- pellation erroneously substituted for No Castle, there neither being, nor ever having been a castle, or any thing of the kind upon the premises.

The Swedes did not suffer tamely this mena- cing movement of the Nederlanders; on the con- trary Jan Printz, at that time governor of New Sweden, issued a sturdy protest against what he termed an encroachment upon his jurisdiction. -- But the valiant Von Poffenburgh had become too well versed in the nature of proclamations and pro- tests, while he served under William the Testy, to be in any wise daunted by such paper warfare. His fortress being finished, it would have done any man's heart good to behold into what a magni- tude he immediately swelled. He would stride in and out a dozen times a day, surveying it in front and in rear; on this side and on that. -- Then would he dress himself in full regimentals, and strut back- wards and forwards, for hours together, on the top of his little rampart -- like a vain glorious cock pidgeon vapouring on the top of his coop. In a word, unless my readers have noticed, with curi- ous eye, the petty commander of a little, snivel- ling, military post, swelling with all the vanity of new regimentals, and the pomposity derived from commanding a handful of tatterdemalions, I despair of giving them any adequate idea of the prodigious dignity of general Von Poffen- burgh.

It is recorded in the delectable romance of Pierce Forest, that a young knight being dubbed by king Alexander, did incontinently gallop into an adjoining forest, and belaboured the trees with such might and main, that the whole court were convin- ced that he was the most potent and courageous gentleman on the face of the earth. In like man- ner the great general Von Poffenburgh would ease off that valourous spleen, which like wind is so apt to grow unruly in the stomachs of new made sol- diers, impelling them to box-lobby brawls, and bro- ken headed quarrels. -- For at such times, when he found his martial spirit waxing hot within him, he would prudently sally forth into the fields, and lug- ging out his trusty sabre, of full two flemish ells in length, would lay about him most lustily, decapi- tating cabbages by platoons -- hewing down whole phalanxes of sunflowers, which he termed gigantic Swedes; and if peradventure, he espied a colony of honest big bellied pumpkins quietly basking them- selves in the sun, "ah caitiff Yankees," would he roar, "have I caught ye at last!" -- so saying, with one sweep of his sword, he would cleave the unhap- py vegetables from their chins to their waistbands: by which warlike havoc, his choler being in some sort allayed, he would return to his garrison with a full conviction, that he was a very miracle of milita- ry prowess.

The next ambition of general Von Poffenburgh was to be thought a strict disciplinarian. Well knowing that discipline is the soul of all military enterprize, he enforced it with the most rigorous precision; obliging every man to turn out his toes, and hold up his head on parade, and prescribing the breadth of their ruffles to all such as had any shirts to their backs.

Having one day, in the course of his devout re- searches in the bible, (for the pious Eneas himself, could not exceed him in outward religion) encoun- tered the history of Absalom and his melancholy end; the general in an evil hour, issued orders for cropping the hair of both officers and men through- out the garrison. Now it came to pass, that among his officers was one Kildermeester; a sturdy old veteran, who had cherished through the course of a long life, a rugged mop of hair, not a little resem- bling the shag of a Newfoundland dog; termina- ting with an immoderate queue, like the handle of a frying pan; and queued so tightly to his head, that his eyes and mouth generally stood ajar, and his eye-brows were drawn up to the top of his fore- head. It may naturally be supposed that the pos- sessor of so goodly an appendage would resist with abhorrence, an order condemning it to the shears. Sampson himself could not have held his wig more sacred, and on hearing the general orders, he dis- charged a tempest of veteran, soldier-like oaths, and dunder and blixums -- swore he would break any man's head who attempted to meddle with his tail -- queued it stiffer than ever, and whisked it about the garrison, as fiercely as the tail of a crocodile.

The eel-skin queue of old Kildermeester, became instantly an affair of the utmost importance. The commander in chief was too enlightened an officer not to perceive, that the discipline of the garrison, the subordination and good order of the armies of the Nieuw Nederlandts, the consequent safety of the whole province, and ultimately the dignity and prosperity of their high mightinesses, the lords states general, but above all, the dignity of the great general Von Poffenburgh, all imperiously de- manded the docking of that stubborn queue. He therefore patriotically determined that old Kilder- meester should be publicly shorn of his glories in presence of the whole garrison -- the old man as re- solutely stood on the defensive -- whereupon the general, as became a great man, was highly exas- perated, and the offender was arrested and tried by a court martial for mutiny, desertion and all the other rigmarole of offences noticed in the articles of war, ending with a "videlicit, in wearing an eel-skin queue, three feet long, contrary to orders" -- Then came on arraignments, and trials, and pleadings, and convictings, and the whole country was in a ferment about this unfortunate queue. As it is well known that the commander of a distant frontier post has the power of acting pretty much after his own will, there is little doubt but that the old vete- ran would have been hanged or shot at least, had he not luckily fallen ill of a fever, through mere cha- grin and mortification -- and most flagitiously de- serted from all earthly command, with his beloved locks unviolated. His obstinacy remained unsha- ken to the very last moment, when he directed that he should be carried to his grave with his eel-skin queue sticking out of a knot hole in his coffin.

This magnanimous affair obtained the general great credit as an excellent disciplinarian, but it is hinted that he was ever after subject to bad dreams, and fearful visitations in the night -- when the griz- ly spectrum of old Kildermeester would stand cen- tinel by his bed side, erect as a pump, his enor- mous queue strutting out like the handle.

[7] Ballad of Drag of Want.

BOOK VI. Containing the second part of the reign of Peter the Headstrong -- and his gallant atchievements on the Delaware.

CHAP. I.

In which is presented a warlike portrait of the Great Peter. -- And how General Von Poffen- burgh gave a stout carousal, for which he got more kicks than coppers.

Hitherto most venerable and courteous reader, have I shewn thee the administration of the valour- ous Stuyvesant, under the mild moonshine of peace; or rather the grim tranquillity of awful pre- paration; but now the war drum rumbles, the bra- zen trumpet brays its thrilling note, and the rude clash of hostile arms, speaks fearful prophecies of coming troubles. The gallant warrior starts from soft repose, from golden visions and voluptuous ease; where in the dulcet, "piping time of peace," he sought sweet solace after all his toils. No more in beauty's syren lap reclined, he weaves fair gar- lands for his lady's brows; no more entwines with flowers his shining sword, nor through the live-long lazy summers day, chaunts forth his lovesick soul in madrigals. To manhood roused, he spurns the amorous flute; doffs from his brawny back the robe of peace, and clothes his pampered limbs in panoply of steel. O'er his dark brow, where late the myr- tle waved; where wanton roses breathed enervate love, he rears the beaming casque and nodding plume; grasps the bright shield and shakes the pon- drous lance; or mounts with eager pride his fiery steed; and burns for deeds of glorious chivalry!

But soft, worthy reader! I would not have you go about to imagine, that any preux chevalier thus hideously begirt with iron existed in the city of New Amsterdam. -- This is but a lofty and gigantic mode in which we heroic writers always talk of war, thereby to give it a noble and imposing as- pect; equipping our warriors with bucklers, helms and lances, and a host of other outlandish and ob- solete weapons, the like of which perchance they had never seen or heard of; in the same manner that a cunning statuary arrays a modern general or an admiral in the accoutrements of a Cæsar or an Alexander. The simple truth then of all this ora- torical flourish is this. -- That the valiant Peter Stuyvesant all of a sudden found it necessary to scour his trusty blade, which too long had rusted in its scabbard, and prepare himself to undergo those hardy toils of war, in which his mighty soul so much delighted.

Methinks I at this moment behold him in my imagination -- or rather I behold his goodly por- trait, which still hangs up in the family mansion of the Stuyvesants -- arrayed in all the terrors of a true dutch general. His regimental coat of Ger- man blue, gorgeously decorated with a goodly shew of large brass buttons, reaching from his waistband to his chin. The voluminous skirts turned up at the corners and separating gallantly behind, so as to display the seat of a sumptuous pair of brimstone coloured trunk breeches -- a grace- ful style still prevalent among the warriors of our day, and which is in conformity to the custom of ancient heroes, who scorned to defend themselves in rear. -- His face rendered exceeding terrible and warlike by a pair of black mustachios; his hair strutting out on each side in stiffly pomatumed ear locks and descending in a rat tail queue below his waist; a shining stock of black leather supporting his chin, and a little, but fierce cocked hat stuck with a gallant and fiery air, over his left eye. Such was the chivalric port of Peter the Headstrong; and when he made a sudden halt, planted himself firmly on his solid supporter, with his wooden leg, inlaid with silver, a little in advance, in order to strengthen his position; his right hand stuck a- kimbo, his left resting upon the pummel of his brass hilted sword; his head dressing spiritedly to the right, with a most appalling and hard favour- ed frown upon his brow -- he presented altogether one of the most commanding, bitter looking, and soldierlike figures, that ever strutted upon canvass. -- Proceed we now to enquire the cause of this warlike preparation.

The encroaching disposition of the Swedes, on the south, or Delaware river, has been duly re- corded in the Chronicles of the reign of William the Testy. These encroachments having been en- dured with that heroic magnanimity, which is the corner stone, or according to Aristotle, the left hand neighbour of true courage, had been repeated and wickedly aggravated.

The Swedes, who, were of that class of cunning pretenders to Christianity, that read the Bible up- side down, whenever it interferes with their inte- rests, inverted the golden maxim, and when their neighbour suffered them to smite him on the one cheek, they generally smote him on the other also, whether it was turned to them or not. Their re- peated aggressions had been among the numerous sources of vexation, that conspired to keep the irritable sensibilities of Wilhelmus Kieft, in a con- stant fever, and it was only owing to the unfortu- nate circumstance, that he had always a hundred things to do at once, that he did not take such un- relenting vengeance as their offences merited. But they had now a chieftan of a different character to deal with; and they were soon guilty of a piece of treachery, that threw his honest blood in a ferment, and precluded all further sufference.

Printz, the governor of the province of New Sweden, being either deceased or removed, for of this fact some uncertainty exists; he was succeeded by Jan Risingh, a gigantic Swede, and who, had he not been rather in-kneed and splay-footed, might have served for the model of a Sampson, or a Her- cules. He was no less rapacious than mighty, and withal as crafty as he was rapacious; so that in fact there is very little doubt, had he lived some four or five centuries before, he would have made one of those wicked giants, who took such a cruel pleasure in pocketing distressed damsels, when gadding about the would, and locking them up in enchanted castles, without a toilet, a change of linen, or any other convenience. -- In consequence of which enormities they fell under the high displeasure of chivalry, and all true, loyal and gallant knights, were in- structed to attack and slay outright any miscreant they might happen to find above six feet high; which is doubtless one reason that the race of large men is nearly extinct, and the generations of latter ages so exceeding small.

No sooner did governor Risingh enter upon his office, than he immediately cast his eyes upon the important post of Fort Casimer, and formed the righteous resolution of taking it into his possession. The only thing that remained to consider, was the mode of carrying his resolution into effect; and here I must do him the justice to say, that he ex- hibited a humanity rarely to be met with among leaders; and which I have never seen equalled in modern times, excepting among the English, in their glorious affair at Copenhagen. Willing to spare the effusion of blood, and the miseries of open warfare, he benevolently shunned every thing like avowed hostility or regular seige, and resorted to the less glorious, but more merciful expedient of treachery.

Under pretence therefore, of paying a sociable, neighbourly visit to general Von Poffenburgh, at his new post of Fort Casimer, he made requisite preparation, sailed in great state up the Delaware, displayed his flag with the most ceremonious punc- tilio, and honoured the fortress with a royal salute, previous to dropping anchor. The unusual noise awakened a veteran dutch centinel, who was nap- ping faithfully on his post, and who after hammering his flint for good ten minutes, and rubbing its edge with the corner of his ragged cocked hat, but all to no purpose, contrived to return the compliment, by discharging his rusty firelock with the spark of a pipe, which he borrowed from one of his comrades. The salute indeed would have been answered by the guns of the fort, had they not unfortunately been out of order, and the magazine deficient in ammunition -- accidents to which forts have in all ages been liable, and which were the more excusa- ble in the present instance, as Fort Casimir had only been erected about two years, and general Von Poffenburgh, its mighty commander, had been fully occupied wish matters of much greater self importance.

Risingh, highly satisfied with this courteous reply to his salute, treated the fort to a second, for he well knew its puissant and pompous leader, was marvellously delighted with these little cere- monials, which he considered as so many acts of homage paid unto his greatness. He then landed in great state, attended by a suite of thirty men -- a prodigious and vain-glorious retinue, for a petty governor of a petty settlement, in those days of primitive simplicity; and to the full as great an army as generally swells the pomp and marches in the rear of our frontier commanders at the present day.

The number in fact might have awakened sus- picion, had not the mind of the great Von Poffen- burgh been so completely engrossed with an all pervading idea of himself, that he had not room to admit a thought besides. In fact he considered the concourse of Risingh's followers as a compli- ment to himself -- so apt are great men to stand between themselves and the sun, and completely eclipse the truth by their own shadow.

It may readily be imagined how much general Von Poffenburgh was flattered by a visit from so august a personage; his only embarrassment was, how he should receive him in such a manner as to appear to the greatest advantage, and make the most advantageous impression. The main guard was ordered immediately to turn out, and the arms and regimentals (of which the garrison possessed full half a dozen suits) were equally distributed among the solidiers. One tall lank fellow, appeared in a coat intended for a small man, the skirts of which reached a little below his waist, the buttons were between his shoulders and the sleeves half way to his wrists, so that his hands looked like a couple of huge spades -- and the coat not being large enough to meet in front, was linked together by loops, made of a pair of red worsted garters. Another had an old cocked hat, stuck on the back of his head and decorated with a bunch of cocks tails -- a third had a pair of rusty gaiters hanging about his heels -- while a fourth, who was a short duck legged little trojan, was equipped in a huge pair of the general's cast off breeches, which he held up with one hand, while he grasped his firelock with the other. The rest were accoutred in similar style, excepting three graceless raggamuffins, who had no shirts and but a pair and half of breeches between them, wherefore they were sent to the black hole, to keep them out of view. There is nothing in which the talents of a prudent commander are more completely testified, than in thus setting matters off to the greatest advantage; and it is for this reason that our frontier posts at the present day (that of Niagara in particular) display their best suit of regimentals on the back of the centinel who stands in sight of travellers.

His men being thus gallantly arrayed -- those who lacked muskets shouldering shovels and pick axes, and every man being ordered to tuck in his shirt tail and pull up his brogues, general Von Poffenburgh first took a sturdy draught of foaming ale, which like the magnanimous More of More- hall8 was his invariable practice on all great occa- sions -- which done he put himself at their head, or- dered the pine planks, which served as a draw bridge, to be laid down, and issued forth from his castle, like a mighty giant, just refreshed with wine. But when the two heroes met, then began a scene of warlike parade and chivalric courtesy, that beggars all description. Risingh, who, as I before hinted, was a shrewd, cunning politician, and had grown grey much before his time, in consequence of his craftiness, saw at one glance the ruling passion of the great Von Poffenburgh, and humoured him in all his valorous fantasies.

Their detachments were accordingly drawn up in front of each other; they carried arms and they presented arms; they gave the standing salute and the passing salute -- They rolled their drums, they flourished their fifes and they waved their colours -- they faced to the left, and they faced to the right, and they faced to the right about -- They wheeled forward, and they wheeled backward, and they wheeled into echellon -- They marched and they countermarched, by grand divisions, by single divi- sions and by sub-divisions -- by platoons, by sections and by files -- In quick time, in slow time and in no time at all; for, having gone through all the evolu- tions of two great armies, including the eighteen manoeuvres of Dundas (which, not being yet in- vented they must have anticipated by intuition or inspiration) having exhausted all that they could recollect or imagine of military tactics, including sundry strange and irregular evolutions, the like of which were never seen before or since, excepting among certain of our newly raised drafts, the two great commanders and their respective troops, came at length to a dead halt, completely exhausted by the toils of war -- Never did two valiant train band captains, or two buskin'd theatric heroes, in the renowned tragedies of Pizarro, Tom Thumb, or any other heroical and fighting tragedy, marshal their gallows-looking, duck-legged, heavy-heeled, sheep-stealing myrmidons with more glory and self- admiration.

These military compliments being finished, ge- neral Von Poffenburgh escorted his illustrious visi- tor, with great ceremony into the fort; attended him throughout the fortifications; shewed him the horn works, crown works, half moons, and various other outworks; or rather the places where they ought to be erected, and where they might be erected if he pleased; plainly demonstrating that it was a place of "great capability," and though at present but a little redoubt, yet that it evidently was a formidable fortress, in embryo. This survey over, he next had the whole garrison put under arms, exercised and reviewed, and concluded by ordering the three bride- well birds to be hauled out of the black hole, brought up to the halberts and soundly flogged, for the amusement of his visitor, and to convince him, that he was a great disciplinarian.

There is no error more dangerous than for a commander to make known the strength, or, as in the present case, the weakness of his garrison; this will be exemplified before I have arrived to an end of my present story, which thus carries its moral like a roasted goose his pudding in its very middle. The cunning Risingh, while he pretended to be struck dumb outright, with the puissance of the great Von Poffenburgh, took silent note of the incompetency of his garrison, of which he gave a hint to his trusty followers; who tipped each other the wink, and laughed most obstreperously -- in their sleeves.

The inspection, review, and flogging being con- cluded, the party adjourned to the table; for among his other great qualities, the general was re- markably addicted to huge entertainments, or rather carousals, and in one afternoon's campaign would leave more dead men on the field, than he ever did in the whole course of his military career. Many bulletins of these bloodless victories do still remain on record; and the whole province was once thrown in amaze, by the return of one of his campaigns; wherein it was stated, that though like captain Bobadel, he had only twenty men to back him, yet in the short space of six months he had con- quered and utterly aunihilated sixty oxen, ninety hogs, one hundred sh

A History of New York, from the Beginning of the World to the End of the Dutch Dynasty, Volume 1

Diedrich Knickerbocker